Zell's Guide to Crushes.
What's up? If you're reading this, YOU FUCKING PUSSY! You can't get a girl by yourself and need to read stuff like this? Dude, there's no difference between reading these things and reading those fashion magazines that always show up in salons. The first tool to get the girl to like you is also the 11th commandment (as per the Balamb Garden's Commandments that were put up to prove they were anti-US government: THOU SHALT NOT BE SUCH A FUCKING PUSSY, ZELL DINCHT... WHAT? SEIFER! I'll get you after this article....So, where was I? Oh, yeah, Hef decided to throw this huge party for the FF8 cast, you know? Beautiful women, huge mountains of the finest cocaine...
"Um, Zell, you're supposed to be talking about crushes and how to succeed in them, remember?"
Oh, yeah. Well, let's get on with it.
1) The first sight.
Most people will tell you that love doesn't completely occur at first sight. Well, they're completely wrong. In extreme situations, it can occur, and at the very least, a girl can enter your bank after one look. Let's find a...DRAMATIZATION that I have stored in my files...
"Hot dogs, I've got hot dogs, oh I love my, love my, hot dogs....DAMMIT! My hot dog slipped! Well, I'll just get another...WAUGGHGHGHAHHAH!"*BONK*
The next thing I knew, this complete hottie went to get in line, and....
"Whoa, what happened to you?"
"She's beautiful. Come on, say something clever..."
"I bent my wookie..."
"Damn, that must hurt. Hold up, I'll get some ice..."
This brings me to rule number one on my Tips to Love: NEVER, under any circumstances when meeting a girl, tell her you injured anything that requires them to put ice on or around your groin region. It will not look good on your record.
"Does that feel better?"
"Of course..."
"Listen, my name's....."
"I'm so scared right now....How was I to know Fuu and Seifer were going out....I'm probably going to have to be in hiding for a bit....I'm sorry, Mom...."
DAMMIT! WHY DID I HAVE TO USE THE SAME TAPE OVER DURING MY "I WANT TO MAKE MY OWN 'BLAIR WITCH PROJECT'" PHASE? Well, at least we're up to the next part:
HOW TO GET PAST THESE BOUNDARIES.
Now, if you've already gotten some knowledge about the girl, it's necessary to determine the depth of your feelings. I suggest a few weeks of angsting like a weenie, thinking about all the possible women who you're interested in/ are interested in you in the hopes that some time, it just...pops. Once again, an example...
"ZELL, GET DOWN HERE! I need you to help me set up our booth!"
"Aw, come on, Mom! Isn't this your 'Bingo' week?"
"No, this is my 'Garage Sale' week! Get your ass down here!"
"All right...Doop de dee, Setting up the Junk, Getting me the Gil, Setting up the Junk, Getting me the....*POP* THUD...."
"Dude, he's going to know we took this, ya know?"
"That Chicken-Wuss? He'll never be able to do anything about it! Come on, now, Let's go! I'M...TOO SEXY FOR MY...SHIRT..."
THOSE BASTARDS! They copied over the important part of it! Well, I'll have to describe it. Basically, you can tell if a guy or girl is crushing on you by the facial expressions. As a person's feelings get more serious, they get more of that cool, "Dreamy" look on their face whenever they're around you. Remember this and confront those who you see packing the mark.
STEP ONE: How to get past the "Awkwardness" phases:
The first step every guy has to go through is, of course, getting the number. Otherwise, you have to be within too close of boundaries to try to make a move, which could lead to some problems....
"Zell! What's been going on?"
"Absoslooootelly nothing, Jhshsutugfugj;lfhjfhbrnffdh..."
WHAT? I don't have any of those tapes....
"You're not the only one with a Digital Camera, ya know?"
YOU GUYS? But you've had yours! Okay, then. There are easier ways to get the number than the "go up to them" manner, without having to go through people. Remember, kiddies, if you have a crush on someone, YOU CANNOT TELL A SOUL. Otherwise, you risk people coming up to you giving you crap about giving the girl you desire Brian McKnight lyrics for a LONG time... Well, here's my manner around that....
"So, when do I, um, start work?"
"Zell? You work at the library too?"
"Um, yeah, I love...books! Yeah, books books books!"
"Oh, yeah? What's your favorite one?"
"Oh, you know, that one book, it's completely horrid but everyone thinks it's amazing....HARRY POTTER!"
"Oh. I've heard nothing but good things about that one. Well, get to work..."
Seems bad, huh? Well, just wait until the other parts...
"Oh, Zell?"
"What, ma'am?"
"We're going to need you to have one of these. If you're injured or sick, you can just call one of the girls to take your shift..."
"Thank you!"....."OHHHHH YEAHHHH! Money, Let's see, her number is..."
As you can see, if you're willing to work for it, you can bypass the girl easily. Now, to the hard part...
HOW TO GET THE GIRL TO GO OUT WITH YOU.
There are many different routes for this manner. I'll get through a few of the most important ones, as shown by me and my homies.
METHOD 4: S.L.
S.L. is a normal guy, a bit of a loner, always thinks people want to see his package or lack thereof. Let's hear his ways to get the girl.
"I just beat up anything and everything that tries to harm her. If you do it enough, you'll slowly get more and more over until she's mad about you."
METHOD 42: I.K.
I.K. is a horndog. He tries to come off as a bad-ass pimp, but comes more off as a gay-ass cowboy.
"Deep dicking. REALLY deep dicking."
METHOD 420: Your hero.
The Balambian Bad-Ass. The Great One, The Showstoppa, the ICON!
I usually try to play it cool while trying to get my women. Let's see some of my ways to attempt to do so...
"Well, we're going to get out early...."
"Yeah...listen,..."
"What, Zell?"
"Well, since we're going to be getting out so early...I've got this really good setup for movies in my dorm, would you like to go..."
"Zell, I have to study. Some other time, definitely..."
"EXCELLENT! We won the contest! Library Crew Kicks Ass!"
"Listen, I said that I would take the top person with me, so...?"
"Well, I have some more work to do. Some other time, definitely..."
"SUMMON...DIABLOS!"
"ZELL! WHAT UP, NIGGA?"
"Listen, Diablos, I'm going to need your help for a bit..."
"What is it?"
"Well, there's this girl I really like..."
"Oh, I see. Well, I think I can help you out..."
"Doop de doop de dee....Just a few more minutes..."
"IMPUDENT YOUNG ONE! COWER FOR DIABLOS!"
"What's your problem?"
"Listen, I'm down with this one dude, Zell Dincht, you know him?"
"Yeah, one of my friends. What about him?"
"Well, he's a really cool guy, and you should give him a chance..."
"I want to, but I'm always busy...."
"Well, you should make time for the guy. Definitely."
"Okay, I'll try to."
Well, these are the ways that I've tried to use for it....
"*strum* I know a girl.....named...."
YOU BASTARDS! I DIDN'T INTERRUPT YOUR GUIDE! Well, luckily, I'm at the end. I know you're wondering, how do I get her to notice me, to like me? Damned if I know. If I did, do you think I'd be writing this? Hell, no! I'd be in my dorm hitting her ass like a home run in the ninth inning! Basically, I have absolutely no clue on the important things. However, if you see yourself in these, you might have that happy ending (DRAMATIZATION):
"Squall, I love you..."
"...."
"Hi, I'm the plumber."
"I've been waiting for you."
"Should I...get to work?"
"Yes....I've got to have your help...my pipes DESPERATELY need cleaning...."
SEIFER? MOM?
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Note from the author:
I'm in the same boat as Zell, here. If I knew how to help make women feel the same about you as you do about them, I wouldn't be able to write about how I can't. Basically, this may or may not be a good thing, but all I know is it'll probably leave a mark either way.
What's up? If you're reading this, YOU FUCKING PUSSY! You can't get a girl by yourself and need to read stuff like this? Dude, there's no difference between reading these things and reading those fashion magazines that always show up in salons. The first tool to get the girl to like you is also the 11th commandment (as per the Balamb Garden's Commandments that were put up to prove they were anti-US government: THOU SHALT NOT BE SUCH A FUCKING PUSSY, ZELL DINCHT... WHAT? SEIFER! I'll get you after this article....So, where was I? Oh, yeah, Hef decided to throw this huge party for the FF8 cast, you know? Beautiful women, huge mountains of the finest cocaine...
"Um, Zell, you're supposed to be talking about crushes and how to succeed in them, remember?"
Oh, yeah. Well, let's get on with it.
1) The first sight.
Most people will tell you that love doesn't completely occur at first sight. Well, they're completely wrong. In extreme situations, it can occur, and at the very least, a girl can enter your bank after one look. Let's find a...DRAMATIZATION that I have stored in my files...
"Hot dogs, I've got hot dogs, oh I love my, love my, hot dogs....DAMMIT! My hot dog slipped! Well, I'll just get another...WAUGGHGHGHAHHAH!"*BONK*
The next thing I knew, this complete hottie went to get in line, and....
"Whoa, what happened to you?"
"She's beautiful. Come on, say something clever..."
"I bent my wookie..."
"Damn, that must hurt. Hold up, I'll get some ice..."
This brings me to rule number one on my Tips to Love: NEVER, under any circumstances when meeting a girl, tell her you injured anything that requires them to put ice on or around your groin region. It will not look good on your record.
"Does that feel better?"
"Of course..."
"Listen, my name's....."
"I'm so scared right now....How was I to know Fuu and Seifer were going out....I'm probably going to have to be in hiding for a bit....I'm sorry, Mom...."
DAMMIT! WHY DID I HAVE TO USE THE SAME TAPE OVER DURING MY "I WANT TO MAKE MY OWN 'BLAIR WITCH PROJECT'" PHASE? Well, at least we're up to the next part:
HOW TO GET PAST THESE BOUNDARIES.
Now, if you've already gotten some knowledge about the girl, it's necessary to determine the depth of your feelings. I suggest a few weeks of angsting like a weenie, thinking about all the possible women who you're interested in/ are interested in you in the hopes that some time, it just...pops. Once again, an example...
"ZELL, GET DOWN HERE! I need you to help me set up our booth!"
"Aw, come on, Mom! Isn't this your 'Bingo' week?"
"No, this is my 'Garage Sale' week! Get your ass down here!"
"All right...Doop de dee, Setting up the Junk, Getting me the Gil, Setting up the Junk, Getting me the....*POP* THUD...."
"Dude, he's going to know we took this, ya know?"
"That Chicken-Wuss? He'll never be able to do anything about it! Come on, now, Let's go! I'M...TOO SEXY FOR MY...SHIRT..."
THOSE BASTARDS! They copied over the important part of it! Well, I'll have to describe it. Basically, you can tell if a guy or girl is crushing on you by the facial expressions. As a person's feelings get more serious, they get more of that cool, "Dreamy" look on their face whenever they're around you. Remember this and confront those who you see packing the mark.
STEP ONE: How to get past the "Awkwardness" phases:
The first step every guy has to go through is, of course, getting the number. Otherwise, you have to be within too close of boundaries to try to make a move, which could lead to some problems....
"Zell! What's been going on?"
"Absoslooootelly nothing, Jhshsutugfugj;lfhjfhbrnffdh..."
WHAT? I don't have any of those tapes....
"You're not the only one with a Digital Camera, ya know?"
YOU GUYS? But you've had yours! Okay, then. There are easier ways to get the number than the "go up to them" manner, without having to go through people. Remember, kiddies, if you have a crush on someone, YOU CANNOT TELL A SOUL. Otherwise, you risk people coming up to you giving you crap about giving the girl you desire Brian McKnight lyrics for a LONG time... Well, here's my manner around that....
"So, when do I, um, start work?"
"Zell? You work at the library too?"
"Um, yeah, I love...books! Yeah, books books books!"
"Oh, yeah? What's your favorite one?"
"Oh, you know, that one book, it's completely horrid but everyone thinks it's amazing....HARRY POTTER!"
"Oh. I've heard nothing but good things about that one. Well, get to work..."
Seems bad, huh? Well, just wait until the other parts...
"Oh, Zell?"
"What, ma'am?"
"We're going to need you to have one of these. If you're injured or sick, you can just call one of the girls to take your shift..."
"Thank you!"....."OHHHHH YEAHHHH! Money, Let's see, her number is..."
As you can see, if you're willing to work for it, you can bypass the girl easily. Now, to the hard part...
HOW TO GET THE GIRL TO GO OUT WITH YOU.
There are many different routes for this manner. I'll get through a few of the most important ones, as shown by me and my homies.
METHOD 4: S.L.
S.L. is a normal guy, a bit of a loner, always thinks people want to see his package or lack thereof. Let's hear his ways to get the girl.
"I just beat up anything and everything that tries to harm her. If you do it enough, you'll slowly get more and more over until she's mad about you."
METHOD 42: I.K.
I.K. is a horndog. He tries to come off as a bad-ass pimp, but comes more off as a gay-ass cowboy.
"Deep dicking. REALLY deep dicking."
METHOD 420: Your hero.
The Balambian Bad-Ass. The Great One, The Showstoppa, the ICON!
I usually try to play it cool while trying to get my women. Let's see some of my ways to attempt to do so...
"Well, we're going to get out early...."
"Yeah...listen,..."
"What, Zell?"
"Well, since we're going to be getting out so early...I've got this really good setup for movies in my dorm, would you like to go..."
"Zell, I have to study. Some other time, definitely..."
"EXCELLENT! We won the contest! Library Crew Kicks Ass!"
"Listen, I said that I would take the top person with me, so...?"
"Well, I have some more work to do. Some other time, definitely..."
"SUMMON...DIABLOS!"
"ZELL! WHAT UP, NIGGA?"
"Listen, Diablos, I'm going to need your help for a bit..."
"What is it?"
"Well, there's this girl I really like..."
"Oh, I see. Well, I think I can help you out..."
"Doop de doop de dee....Just a few more minutes..."
"IMPUDENT YOUNG ONE! COWER FOR DIABLOS!"
"What's your problem?"
"Listen, I'm down with this one dude, Zell Dincht, you know him?"
"Yeah, one of my friends. What about him?"
"Well, he's a really cool guy, and you should give him a chance..."
"I want to, but I'm always busy...."
"Well, you should make time for the guy. Definitely."
"Okay, I'll try to."
Well, these are the ways that I've tried to use for it....
"*strum* I know a girl.....named...."
YOU BASTARDS! I DIDN'T INTERRUPT YOUR GUIDE! Well, luckily, I'm at the end. I know you're wondering, how do I get her to notice me, to like me? Damned if I know. If I did, do you think I'd be writing this? Hell, no! I'd be in my dorm hitting her ass like a home run in the ninth inning! Basically, I have absolutely no clue on the important things. However, if you see yourself in these, you might have that happy ending (DRAMATIZATION):
"Squall, I love you..."
"...."
"Hi, I'm the plumber."
"I've been waiting for you."
"Should I...get to work?"
"Yes....I've got to have your help...my pipes DESPERATELY need cleaning...."
SEIFER? MOM?
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Note from the author:
I'm in the same boat as Zell, here. If I knew how to help make women feel the same about you as you do about them, I wouldn't be able to write about how I can't. Basically, this may or may not be a good thing, but all I know is it'll probably leave a mark either way.