Rinoa's Guide to Breaking Hearts.
Ah, young love. It's that magical time when all is right with the world. The sun is brighter, the birds sing sweeter, the grass is much stronger, it's great. Unfortunately, that quickly can fade. I'm here to tell you how to break a guy's heart...gently in these situations. My credentials? Do I need any? Well, this is all going to be completely "shoot", as for some strange reason, during all of that "Squally-poo sweeping me off my feet" thing, I kinda...sorta...forgot to break up with my ex-boyfriend Seifer. It's completely normal, I know. Here's some ways to break some hearts....
Take 1...
"Seifer..."
"What, Rinoa?"
"We need to talk..."
"What is it now?"
"Well, it's not you, it's me..."
"WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WHY WOULD I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU HERE IN THE QUAD?"
"RINOA? WHAT ARE YOU DOING...WITH SEIFER OF ALL PEOPLE?"
"But, Squall..."
Okay, back to the drawing board...
Take 2...
"Seifer..."
"What will you try now?"
"Well, this time, it's not me, it's you. You're whole 'Sorceress' Knight' thing is just...moronic!"
"WHAT? YOU WANT ME, NOT SQUALL, TO BE YOUR KNIGHT?"
"Rinoa...?"
Take 3...
"Seifer, I need some help..."
"What now?"
"Well, it's just that...my old boyfriend was just released from jail...I REALLY should give him a second chance..."
"But...I'm your old boyfriend...I did serve some time..."
"Rinoa? WHY?"
Take...4....
"You might want to know something, Seifer..."
"What is it?"
"Well, when we met, I was...lying about my age...being sixteen..."
"Oh, really, how old were you?"
"Well, let's let my old family friend Officer Friendly talk to you...Unky Officer! This is the man who molested me last summer!"
"YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR THE STATUTORY RAPE OF A 12-YEAR-OLD GIRL...Who's your boyfriend now, Rinny?"
"Um, that'd be me, sir. Commander Squall Leonhart..."
"Okay...YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR STATUTORY RAPE OF A 13-YEAR-OLD GIRL..."
"DAMMIT!"
Take 5...
"Seifer, I've found Hyne!"
"That's nice. Great. Forswearing sorcery?"
"No, I'm becoming a nun! Hyne is my man now!"
"But..but...Rinoa! WAAAHHHH...."
Take 6....
"Seifer..."
"What now?"
"I'm going to be leaving Garden..."
"S'cool. Tell your two little sidekicks I said hi, kay?"
"No, I'm going to be taking a new position at my job...over in the United States..."
"You're a SeeD. SeeDs don't go to the United States."
"Well, I am! Later!"
"But...she...never said goodbye to Me! WAAAHHHH....She always loved Seifer..."
Take 7...
"Seifer, you're just not what I'm looking for in a man at this point in time..."
"Oh, yeah? And Puberty-Boy is? Well, I don't wear a trenchcoat for nothing! SAY HELLO TO THIS AND SEE WHO'S THE MAN YOU WANT!"
"That's...yours? Geez, you've shot up there since I was gone..."
"I CAN'T HEAR YOU, TOO BUSY USING MY GUNBLADE TO SLIT MY WRISTS!"
Take 8...
"Seifer, you're friends with Fuu, right? You'd get a good impersonation of her..."
"Well, sure."
"OKAY. RESTRAINING ORDER. DOOR. NOW..."
"Awesome! Irvine told me a restraining order was them telling the guy that she's playing hard to get!"
"She...still likes Seifer?"
Take 9...
"Hey, Seifer! Look, it's Selphie! I hear she's hornier than hell and needs any man right now..."
"Oh...Hey, Selphie!"
"Are you trying to get with me? Irvine is my man, so don't step to me!"
"But wasn't Irvine just in that drive-by shooting a few weeks ago?"
"Well, you don't KNOW him like I do! He's much nicer than that, and so cute..."
"Wait, I see what she's doing. She's trying to tell me that RINOA WANTS SELPHIE IN A THREE-WAY, EVERYBODY!"
"*sniff* Another man would be bad enough....WAAAHHHHH..."
Take 10...
"So, Seifer, miss the spotlight?"
"Why?"
"Well, I've gotten us both spots on Temptation Island..."
"AWESOME! Island getaway for two..."
"Not even one guy's enough for her....? And it's not even...me?"
Take 11....
"Okay, Seifer...You scare me, okay?"
"Okay. That's fine. Oh, hey, Irvine! What's up..."
(that night...)
*zzzzz*
"Oh yeah...Silently the knight heads to the sorceress's lips..."
"SEIFER, YOU SICK FUCK! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"
"Okay, okay..."
"Seifer's coming out of...Rinoa's room? Time to fall forward...."
Take 12...
"Seifer, I need to tell you some thing..."
"What?"
"Dr.Kadowaki said I have 5 minutes to live....I don't want to spend them with you..."
"Okay...But you are..."
"Rinoa's dying? And she didn't tell me? That's it, if she's not going to live, I'm not going to live...."
Take 13...
"GIMME BACK MY THINGS OR ANGELO WILL GO FOR BLOOD!"
"Geez, you're so...forceful. Care to pick them up in my dorm?"
"Okay! doop de doop de doo..."
"Seifer and Rinoa...going to his dorm room together? Nooooo....."
Take 14...
"Seifer....You might need to know some things..."
"What now?"
"Well, when we met, I wasn't a virgin..."
"Oh, really?"
"I lost it about...3 years ago...one of Daddy's top soldiers..."
"Oh, he raped you?"
"Lord no, it was all my idea! My idea a few other times, too! What do you think about THAT?"
"Actually, it's kind of kinky, dontcha think?"
"Geez, you dirty slut! All that stuff went through? I can't believe this! You've just ruined me for all other women! I'm gay now! And not just a little gay, mind you, I'm talking Full-blown, Liberace gay! Now, where's Nida at?"
Well, these apparently didn't work here. Seifer hasn't broken up with me yet... At the very least, I've got the one sure-fire tactic to get past all of that...
"Seifer?"
"What, Rinoa?"
"I was just talking to Dr.Kadowaki...she did some tests..."
"What now?"
"Well, I'm pregnant..."
"BYE!"
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Warning by the author:
These methods are proven to work well in all circumstances. However, the author recommends you don't try them on him (or Seifer), as they both can pierce through any break-up technique. (POSSIBLY including the last one, if the author is good enough...)
Props where props are due: The vast majority of these tips (aside from a few of them which were taken from the accounts of good friends who don't come to this site and will probably kick my ass if they find out about this) came from Mariye. TRICK!
Ah, young love. It's that magical time when all is right with the world. The sun is brighter, the birds sing sweeter, the grass is much stronger, it's great. Unfortunately, that quickly can fade. I'm here to tell you how to break a guy's heart...gently in these situations. My credentials? Do I need any? Well, this is all going to be completely "shoot", as for some strange reason, during all of that "Squally-poo sweeping me off my feet" thing, I kinda...sorta...forgot to break up with my ex-boyfriend Seifer. It's completely normal, I know. Here's some ways to break some hearts....
Take 1...
"Seifer..."
"What, Rinoa?"
"We need to talk..."
"What is it now?"
"Well, it's not you, it's me..."
"WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WHY WOULD I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU HERE IN THE QUAD?"
"RINOA? WHAT ARE YOU DOING...WITH SEIFER OF ALL PEOPLE?"
"But, Squall..."
Okay, back to the drawing board...
Take 2...
"Seifer..."
"What will you try now?"
"Well, this time, it's not me, it's you. You're whole 'Sorceress' Knight' thing is just...moronic!"
"WHAT? YOU WANT ME, NOT SQUALL, TO BE YOUR KNIGHT?"
"Rinoa...?"
Take 3...
"Seifer, I need some help..."
"What now?"
"Well, it's just that...my old boyfriend was just released from jail...I REALLY should give him a second chance..."
"But...I'm your old boyfriend...I did serve some time..."
"Rinoa? WHY?"
Take...4....
"You might want to know something, Seifer..."
"What is it?"
"Well, when we met, I was...lying about my age...being sixteen..."
"Oh, really, how old were you?"
"Well, let's let my old family friend Officer Friendly talk to you...Unky Officer! This is the man who molested me last summer!"
"YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR THE STATUTORY RAPE OF A 12-YEAR-OLD GIRL...Who's your boyfriend now, Rinny?"
"Um, that'd be me, sir. Commander Squall Leonhart..."
"Okay...YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR STATUTORY RAPE OF A 13-YEAR-OLD GIRL..."
"DAMMIT!"
Take 5...
"Seifer, I've found Hyne!"
"That's nice. Great. Forswearing sorcery?"
"No, I'm becoming a nun! Hyne is my man now!"
"But..but...Rinoa! WAAAHHHH...."
Take 6....
"Seifer..."
"What now?"
"I'm going to be leaving Garden..."
"S'cool. Tell your two little sidekicks I said hi, kay?"
"No, I'm going to be taking a new position at my job...over in the United States..."
"You're a SeeD. SeeDs don't go to the United States."
"Well, I am! Later!"
"But...she...never said goodbye to Me! WAAAHHHH....She always loved Seifer..."
Take 7...
"Seifer, you're just not what I'm looking for in a man at this point in time..."
"Oh, yeah? And Puberty-Boy is? Well, I don't wear a trenchcoat for nothing! SAY HELLO TO THIS AND SEE WHO'S THE MAN YOU WANT!"
"That's...yours? Geez, you've shot up there since I was gone..."
"I CAN'T HEAR YOU, TOO BUSY USING MY GUNBLADE TO SLIT MY WRISTS!"
Take 8...
"Seifer, you're friends with Fuu, right? You'd get a good impersonation of her..."
"Well, sure."
"OKAY. RESTRAINING ORDER. DOOR. NOW..."
"Awesome! Irvine told me a restraining order was them telling the guy that she's playing hard to get!"
"She...still likes Seifer?"
Take 9...
"Hey, Seifer! Look, it's Selphie! I hear she's hornier than hell and needs any man right now..."
"Oh...Hey, Selphie!"
"Are you trying to get with me? Irvine is my man, so don't step to me!"
"But wasn't Irvine just in that drive-by shooting a few weeks ago?"
"Well, you don't KNOW him like I do! He's much nicer than that, and so cute..."
"Wait, I see what she's doing. She's trying to tell me that RINOA WANTS SELPHIE IN A THREE-WAY, EVERYBODY!"
"*sniff* Another man would be bad enough....WAAAHHHHH..."
Take 10...
"So, Seifer, miss the spotlight?"
"Why?"
"Well, I've gotten us both spots on Temptation Island..."
"AWESOME! Island getaway for two..."
"Not even one guy's enough for her....? And it's not even...me?"
Take 11....
"Okay, Seifer...You scare me, okay?"
"Okay. That's fine. Oh, hey, Irvine! What's up..."
(that night...)
*zzzzz*
"Oh yeah...Silently the knight heads to the sorceress's lips..."
"SEIFER, YOU SICK FUCK! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"
"Okay, okay..."
"Seifer's coming out of...Rinoa's room? Time to fall forward...."
Take 12...
"Seifer, I need to tell you some thing..."
"What?"
"Dr.Kadowaki said I have 5 minutes to live....I don't want to spend them with you..."
"Okay...But you are..."
"Rinoa's dying? And she didn't tell me? That's it, if she's not going to live, I'm not going to live...."
Take 13...
"GIMME BACK MY THINGS OR ANGELO WILL GO FOR BLOOD!"
"Geez, you're so...forceful. Care to pick them up in my dorm?"
"Okay! doop de doop de doo..."
"Seifer and Rinoa...going to his dorm room together? Nooooo....."
Take 14...
"Seifer....You might need to know some things..."
"What now?"
"Well, when we met, I wasn't a virgin..."
"Oh, really?"
"I lost it about...3 years ago...one of Daddy's top soldiers..."
"Oh, he raped you?"
"Lord no, it was all my idea! My idea a few other times, too! What do you think about THAT?"
"Actually, it's kind of kinky, dontcha think?"
"Geez, you dirty slut! All that stuff went through? I can't believe this! You've just ruined me for all other women! I'm gay now! And not just a little gay, mind you, I'm talking Full-blown, Liberace gay! Now, where's Nida at?"
Well, these apparently didn't work here. Seifer hasn't broken up with me yet... At the very least, I've got the one sure-fire tactic to get past all of that...
"Seifer?"
"What, Rinoa?"
"I was just talking to Dr.Kadowaki...she did some tests..."
"What now?"
"Well, I'm pregnant..."
"BYE!"
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Warning by the author:
These methods are proven to work well in all circumstances. However, the author recommends you don't try them on him (or Seifer), as they both can pierce through any break-up technique. (POSSIBLY including the last one, if the author is good enough...)
Props where props are due: The vast majority of these tips (aside from a few of them which were taken from the accounts of good friends who don't come to this site and will probably kick my ass if they find out about this) came from Mariye. TRICK!