"Laguna's Guide to the New Presidency."
Greetings, people! If my advisors are correct, your country has a new leader. Might I just say, GOOD FOR YOU! Since I wasn't quick enough to get on the ballots this time around (THANK YOU VERY MUCH, ALAN SMITHEE, YOU LYING...LIAR WHO SAID YOU GOT THE SIGNATURES...Just know I won Florida, I did...) at the very least, you got a guy who is virtually a dead ringer for my policies! As a President myself, I figured I'd give you the tips to survive the Presidency of...Kiros? What's that guy's name again?
"Um, George W.Bush?"
"Didn't they already have him in office?"
"Um, this is his son..."
"Okay..." Well, anyways, on to the ways to survive the Presidency of President What's His Name!
1) DON'T BE SURPRISED ABOUT IT.
You heard me. Back when I assumed the Presidency of Esthar, everyone was a little surprised at it, saying stuff like "The economy's going to go to hell!" or "There's too many Dangling Chads!" That last one really hurt me, I mean, I checked my fly a zillion times, and it was always fine! However, now when you look at Esthar, you see a Brilliantly Technological world led by the Father to the world's greatest hero! So if you will see it that way, There's no problems.
2) DON'T GET TOO ATTACHED TO YOUR CHILDREN.
Yes, when the old guy hears about how "The oil prices in the Northeast are a little high due to how cold it is in wintertime and the corrupt state governments deciding to tax gasoline while it's being stored, leading merchants to order less gas...", he proceeded to open up the strategic reserve to get some oil to those people. When the new guy goes in, his first plan will be to bomb the hell out of the Middle East, then open up the Draft to get people to go die for him and his oil company buddies! As a result, this is a good time to cut any ties you have to 18-25 year old males. Break up with your boyfriends, disown your kids, they'll all die in Iraq anyways. I know what you're thinking, "But Laguna, our country doesn't need females in the draft..." Not likely. This guy will open it for women, so you'll ALSO die for his friends!
3) SELL ALL YOUR STOCKS.
That's right. Sell it all now, because if you don't, you'll be selling pencils or apples by November. The stocks were already plummeting, now it's just going to go downhill. If you sell it now and put your money into pure gold (or food, or guns and ammo to take others' gold and food), you'll be safe. It's what we did in Esthar, and look at us!
4) RELOCATE TO CANADA.
Remember, kids, this guy gets to name around 3 or 4 Supreme Court Justices. This means his Presidency can last for years on end. BE AFRAID.
5) CHANGE YOUR CLAIMS TO PEOPLE.
Come on, everyone likes to say "I AM THE FOOLKILLER! I KILL ALL THE FOOLS I MEET!" However, for the time being, put that on the down-low. I mean, come on, there IS a law saying you can't threaten the President...
Conclusion:
Basically, suck it up and hope for the best. I'm going to be running in...When's the next election? Oh, well, whenever that happens. Sign up for me now so that bastard Alan Smithee can get me on the ballot, and hope for the best! Thank you, and Good Day.
Greetings, people! If my advisors are correct, your country has a new leader. Might I just say, GOOD FOR YOU! Since I wasn't quick enough to get on the ballots this time around (THANK YOU VERY MUCH, ALAN SMITHEE, YOU LYING...LIAR WHO SAID YOU GOT THE SIGNATURES...Just know I won Florida, I did...) at the very least, you got a guy who is virtually a dead ringer for my policies! As a President myself, I figured I'd give you the tips to survive the Presidency of...Kiros? What's that guy's name again?
"Um, George W.Bush?"
"Didn't they already have him in office?"
"Um, this is his son..."
"Okay..." Well, anyways, on to the ways to survive the Presidency of President What's His Name!
1) DON'T BE SURPRISED ABOUT IT.
You heard me. Back when I assumed the Presidency of Esthar, everyone was a little surprised at it, saying stuff like "The economy's going to go to hell!" or "There's too many Dangling Chads!" That last one really hurt me, I mean, I checked my fly a zillion times, and it was always fine! However, now when you look at Esthar, you see a Brilliantly Technological world led by the Father to the world's greatest hero! So if you will see it that way, There's no problems.
2) DON'T GET TOO ATTACHED TO YOUR CHILDREN.
Yes, when the old guy hears about how "The oil prices in the Northeast are a little high due to how cold it is in wintertime and the corrupt state governments deciding to tax gasoline while it's being stored, leading merchants to order less gas...", he proceeded to open up the strategic reserve to get some oil to those people. When the new guy goes in, his first plan will be to bomb the hell out of the Middle East, then open up the Draft to get people to go die for him and his oil company buddies! As a result, this is a good time to cut any ties you have to 18-25 year old males. Break up with your boyfriends, disown your kids, they'll all die in Iraq anyways. I know what you're thinking, "But Laguna, our country doesn't need females in the draft..." Not likely. This guy will open it for women, so you'll ALSO die for his friends!
3) SELL ALL YOUR STOCKS.
That's right. Sell it all now, because if you don't, you'll be selling pencils or apples by November. The stocks were already plummeting, now it's just going to go downhill. If you sell it now and put your money into pure gold (or food, or guns and ammo to take others' gold and food), you'll be safe. It's what we did in Esthar, and look at us!
4) RELOCATE TO CANADA.
Remember, kids, this guy gets to name around 3 or 4 Supreme Court Justices. This means his Presidency can last for years on end. BE AFRAID.
5) CHANGE YOUR CLAIMS TO PEOPLE.
Come on, everyone likes to say "I AM THE FOOLKILLER! I KILL ALL THE FOOLS I MEET!" However, for the time being, put that on the down-low. I mean, come on, there IS a law saying you can't threaten the President...
Conclusion:
Basically, suck it up and hope for the best. I'm going to be running in...When's the next election? Oh, well, whenever that happens. Sign up for me now so that bastard Alan Smithee can get me on the ballot, and hope for the best! Thank you, and Good Day.