By Angela Jade - angela@yavin4.free-online.co.uk
Rating - about PG13
Disclaimer - the Lucas characters belong to Lucas. The bunnies are up for adoption. (I make no money from this.)
This is the third and final part in the trilogy that began with 'Attack of the Killer Plot Bunnies' and 'The Killer Plot Bunnies Fight Back'.
Written originally for the Sith_Chicks list at SWC, I have decided to release it to the fanfic writing public in general, in the hope that some of the plot bunnies can find a good home. For the uninitiated, plot bunnies are those ideas that you get in your head, that just won't let go until you write them down and post them here. :-)
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"Okay-dokey, who's next?"
The orderly line of plot bunnies wound its way from my computer desk, past the bookcase and filing cabinet, over the back of the sofa, and along the wall, almost reaching the door. The noise was still unbearable (I had recently discovered the joy of ear-plugs), but at least making them queue kept them out of the cupboard. I can't believe I hadn't thought of this level of organisation before.
A Han Solo bunny in a white shirt and dark vest hopped up beside my printer and gave me a lop-sided grin. "Me. I'm next."
Han Solo. The spreadsheet was now on its third page. "Plot?"
"Ummm, I have to give a lecture to the Rebel troops on Hoth," replied the Han bunny, looking faintly embarrassed.
"A lecture? You?" I had learned fairly quickly not to laugh at plot-lines; the bunnies tended to get a little upset, and my bruised and bitten ankles couldn't take much more. "Dare I ask what the subject is?"
"Evading Imperial Entanglements."
Should have seen that one coming. "Fine. Off you go." I typed his details into the computer.
"Do you think anyone will adopt me?" he asked as he hopped away.
"It's always possible," I replied. "Perhaps you could offer some extra-curricular tuition..." I shook my head to clear it of the thoughts that had suddenly started running through my brain. "Next?"
A huge, brown bunny with hair so long he could barely see, hopped up. "Roooowrrrr."
I peered at him at him closely. "Are you the same Chewie bunny I spoke to yesterday, the one that went to a beauty salon?"
"Grrroooowwwooonk." He shook his head emphatically and bared his teeth at me, before launching into a long-winded explanation of his plot.
I looked to the Han bunnies huddled together in front of the sofa for a translation.
"He gets into a fist-fight with Borsk Fey'lya," said one particularly scruffy-looking specimen.
The Chewie bunny nodded vigorously, his eyes shining with glee.
"He said a lot more than that," I replied, frowning at the Han bunny. "What else did he say?"
"He ... umm ... went into details." The Han bunny grinned viciously. "Lots of details."
I raised my eyebrows at the Chewie bunny; his grin widened and he unsheathed some nasty-looking claws. I hastily started typing. "I don't need details, thanks. I'm sure he can pass it all on to the author that adopts him."
"Wooowrrrooogharooowrrr." The Chewie bunny hopped away, his long fur wafting up and down as he moved.
"Next?"
Next turned out to be a delicate blue bunny with red eyes. A Thrawn bunny.
"Clone or original?" I asked.
"Original," he sniffed disdainfully.
"Plot?"
"Well, Captain Pellaeon and I go on a mission to Ryloth, and we meet these Twi'lek dancing girls, and..."
"Enough! I get the idea!" As I typed, I wondered why I never got the bunnies with the serious plot-lines, the twisted endings, the scary baddies. No; I seemed to attract the silly, frivolous bunnies that were about as deep and meaningful as a puddle on a hot day.
"Next?" The queue was moving fairly quickly today.
The Thrawn bunny was replaced by a large black bunny, wearing a long red hat with a white pompom on the end. The hat sat at a jaunty angle over one ear.
"Ho-ho-ho..." His attempt at deep laughter was cut short by a coughing fit that ended in a great deal of wheezing.
"You're a Vader bunny, aren't you?"
"Darth Santa, at your service," he gasped.
"Darth Santa?" Just book me into the funny farm right now; I am obviously going crazy.
"Yeah. I climb down chimneys and steal children's presents." He leaned forward conspiratorially. "Especially their Star Wars stuff."
"Oooh, you're not very nice at all."
He grinned. "Thank you."
He bounced off, only to be replaced by what was obviously a Lando bunny. The cape and the huge, cheesy grin gave it away.
"Hi!" he said, brightly. "I have a plot!"
"I thought you might."
He nodded happily. "I go on a business management course."
"Given your track record, Lando, that's probably your best move yet."
He beamed at me. "That's just what everyone else said!"
The queue continued shuffling slowly forwards, the bunnies chattering away. Once or twice a fight threatened to break out, but not nearly so often now that the participants were sent to the back of the queue. Isn't organisation a wonderful thing!
The only bunnies I could afford to keep were the Luke and Mara bunnies; there was now a veritable colony on the bottom shelf of my computer desk. They'd rearranged the boxes of envelopes and piles of books so they could have a bit of privacy, and there were now a lot more little Luke and Mara bunnies hopping about the office. This, of course, was absolutely fine by me!
A delicate black female bunny with piercing blue eyes hopped up to the spot next to the printer. "I'm a Mon Mothma bunny."
I looked her up and down a few times, frowning. "All the other Mon Mothma bunnies I've seen are white. Why are you black?"
She smiled beautifully, her eyes sparkling. "I'm into Gothicism."
A Gothic Mon Mothma. Now there's an image to addle your brain on a Friday night. I would never see 'Return of the Jedi' in the same light again; although, given the plot-lines I'd had to listen to over the course of a couple of weeks, I'd never see any of the films in the same light again.
"That's fine. Thank you. Off you go." I was typing furiously, concentrating on the screen, so I didn't see another bunny appear in the room. "Next?"
"That would be me, I believe."
My spine went rigid with fear, drops of perspiration instantly sprang up on my forehead, and my hands were shaking so badly I couldn't type. I recognised that voice, the voice that induced terror in every fanfic writer's heart. I swallowed hard and forced myself to turn and face him.
He was big, bigger even than the Vader and Maul bunnies that were now cowering away from him. He sat in the middle of the room, his steady gaze piercing my brain. And he was wearing a plaid shirt.
"Umm ... Mr. Lucas ... bunny ... sir!" I tried a bright smile, which slowly faded under his stern gaze. "Err ... you haven't come to sue me, have you?" Please don't sue! Please don't sue! Please don't sue! The mantra went over and over in my brain. Wish I could do the mind-whammy thing.
His eyes slowly swept around the room, taking in the huge number of plot bunnies. "No, not today. I seem to have come without my lawyer." His eyes met mine again. "But if you continue using my characters in this way, I may be forced to take action," he growled. "And that goes for all your fanfiction friends, as well."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean any harm..."
He waved away my apology with one paw, then started rounding up all the plot bunnies. "I'm taking them back with me. The bunny enclosure at Skywalker Ranch has been reinforced; they will not escape again." He herded all the plot bunnies into a corner, then turned to face me once more. "Remember, AJ - the Force is with ME!"
I lifted my arm to shield my eyes from the blinding flash of light; when I could see again, the room was completely bunny-free.
The silence was eerie, almost palpable. No squeaky little voices, no squabbling, no 'snap-hiss' of miniature lightsabers. I still couldn't see where the bunnies had got in in the first place, nor could I detect how the Lucas bunny had managed to get them all out.
The Lucas bunny. I shivered as I remembered his bold stare, the feeling of unadulterated power. I was never, ever going to write fanfiction again. Not ever. It just wasn't worth the risk. I'd get my brain into gear and write the novel I'd always been saying I could write, using my own characters and my own universe.
I laughed out loud, then quickly clamped my hand over my mouth as the feeling of euphoria filled me. I had broken free! Free of the hold the Star Wars bunnies had over me! I could write whatever I wanted, and I need never type the words 'Leia', 'X-wing' or 'Sithspit' ever again! Suddenly, I felt full of energy, full once more of the desire to write. I opened a new word-processing document, for once delighted to see the new, white page, and paused, my fingers hovering over the keyboard. Oh, the freedom!!
"Please don't abandon us now, AJ."
I jumped out of the chair and backed towards the opposite wall, my heart hammering in my chest. There was another bunny in the room. How had it managed to get past Lucas?
And there he was, a little blond bunny looking up at me imploringly with a pair of huge blue eyes. "Please? We've always been there for you."
Of course! The Luke and Mara bunnies on the bottom shelf! They must have been well hidden for Lucas to have missed them. I slowly pulled aside a pile of X-wing novels and peeped into the little den they had created. Sure enough, there were still dozens of Luke and Mara bunnies hiding in the darkness.
I turned to face the one that had spoken. "I ... I can't. He'll sue, I know he will."
"I don't think even Mr. Lucas has the time or the energy to sue every fanfiction writer that has ever written about his characters," argued the Luke bunny quietly. "He wouldn't be very popular if he did, and can you imagine the dent in profits if his online fans boycotted him?"
"I suppose." I sat down again and lifted the wise little bunny onto my lap, absently stroking his ears. "He still scares me silly."
The Luke bunny rested a tiny paw on my knee. "Don't be scared. He's very nice, really." His blue eyes met mine. "He created me."
I nodded, hoping I understood. "You think I should continue writing fanfic."
He smiled, his head nodding happily. "Most definitely. After all, what would happen to us if you didn't?"
"Who should I write about first?"
"Us." The two bunnies that hopped forward held each other tightly, their eyes shining with joy.
"And what is your plot?"
The Luke bunny looked at the Mara bunny and she nodded encouragingly. "We're on honeymoon," he said simply.
The ideas I'd had for my own novel had flown out of my head, chased out by these little plot bunnies. They were so cute, so easy to care for and write about. They all hopped out and sat on my feet, my lap, my shoulders, and all around me as I started to type. "Chapter one..."
THE END
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So, the plot bunnies have pretty much left, at least for now; I wonder how strong the bunny enclosure at Skywalker Ranch really is? Anyway, I've got my Luke 'n' Mara bunnies and I've started the next fic, free from the distraction of incredibly stupid plot-lines. Sorry to all my fellow L&M writers, especially those on the egroup lists (*waves*) - I would share them (honest) but every time I get an L&M bunny, I think of somewhere to use it!! ;-)