WARNING: Don't read this fic if you like Jar Jar Binks! :-D This does contain Jar Jar Bashing. Now I don't personally hate Jar Jar, but I still liked the song played in this story. The song really exists and can be downloaded. I got it from Napster, so I have no idea who owns it.
Mel-Ano Nigwen was practicing her Force-levitation skills on a glass of water when the doorbell rang. Hurriedly, she set it down and opened the door.
She was astonished to see a Jedi Knight and his Padawan standing there. What are they doing here? Have I been found out? . . . Is that even a bad thing?
"Good evening, gentles," she remembered to say. "What can I do for you?"
"I'm Obi-Wan Kenobi, and this is Anakin Skywalker," said the Knight. "We need somewhere to spend the night."
"Oh . . . um, of course," she said, waving them inside. "I'm Mel-Ano Nigwen."
Obi-Wan entered, thinking, Damn, I'm good. She's pretty and a Force user too . . .
*****
It was several hours later. Anakin was asleep, and Obi-Wan was sitting at the kitchen table, where Mel-Ano found him.
"Something wrong?" asked Mel-Ano, laying a hand gently on Obi-Wan's shoulder.
"Yeah," he admitted reluctantly. "Stress. This is my first mission as a Master, rather than a Padawan."
"You seem to be a little angry about something, too."
"Well, sort of . . . The outcome of my last battle."
"You lost someone."
He nodded. "You have some Jedi abilities too, don't you?"
She sat down next to him, sighing. "Yes, I do. I washed out of the order when I was 12, and I decided to come home and get a job, keeping my abilities a secret."
"I understand." Sort of.
Mel-Ano smiled. "Well, I think I know what you need. You need to vent. You need an outlet for your anger. And I have just the thing."
She powered up the personal computer sitting on a nearby table
"There's this one song," she explained, working the controls fluently. "It's got lots of energy, lots of yelling, and when I'm angry, I chant along with it and it helps me forget what happened. That can be a bit tiring, though, so there are some quiet, relaxing songs right after it."
She pulled Obi-Wan to a standing position just as the song started. It began as a slow, digital-sounding march.
"And try to dance when the fast part starts," Mel-Ano finished. "It helps."
The fast part started. The words were not sung, but spoken in rhythm.
"Computer-generated but the fans all hate him,
Jar Jar Binks must die!
Jabba the Hutt should have kicked his butt,
Jar Jar Binks must die!
Looked so dumb when his tongue went numb,
Jar Jar Binks must die!
I paid eight bucks but the movie really sucks,
Jar Jar Binks must die!
Die! Die! Jar Jar Binks must die!
Die! Die! Jar Jar Binks must die!"
The song, if it could be called that, continued with several people's comments on Jar Jar.
"That movie would be pretty good if Jar Jar wasn't in it -"
"Oh, Jar Jar Binks was just terrible."
"I'd like to see a Wookiee rip his arms off."
Pause. "Break it down!"
The song became a string of low-pitched, incomprehensible words. Obi-Wan found that his dance movements slowed at this point, while confusion overtook him. What was this movie? How could Jar Jar have been in it, when at this moment he was back home on Naboo? And what was so terrible about poor, naive, lovable Jar Jar?
He caught some more words to the song:
" . . . but we all know why, that Jar Jar Binks must die!"
Then came a really bad impression of Jar Jar:
"Meesa love you! Bbbbbbbrrrr!"
And back to the chant again:
"Die! Die! Jar Jar Binks must die!
Die! Die! Jar Jar Binks must diiiiieeeeeee!"
The song was over. Mel-Ano collapsed, laughing, into her chair.
Obi-Wan did the same, only without laughing.
"Oh, that is just great," said Mel-Ano. "Ready for the other songs?"
"No," answered Obi-Wan. "I have a few questions about that song."
Quickly, Mel-Ano pressed a control on her computer. "Yeah, what?"
"I've known Jar Jar Binks for a little while now. Who made the movie? Why do people hate him so much?"
"You know Jar Jar? Wow! Well, some people on Tatooine saw Jar Jar and decided to make a holomovie about him. But he wasn't there to act in it, so they made a computer-generated picture of him and put it in the movie. The movie was released a few weeks ago, and it gained a large fan following, but everyone hated Jar Jar because he was so clumsy and stupid."
"Who was in charge of the movie's production?"
"Sebulba, a well-known podracer in the area. The film is mostly about podracing, actually; Jar Jar is a supporting character."
"That's so weird. Making a movie with someone in it they only knew for two days or so."
"You were there? On Tatooine, with Jar Jar?"
"Yes. I stayed on the ship the whole time, though. My old Master Qui-Gon, Padme, Jar Jar, and one droid went into the city to buy parts for our ship."
"Wow! I know someone who knew someone who was in a holomovie!"
Obi-Wan smiled. "What was the movie called?"
" 'Race of Rivals.' So, you feeling any better?"
"A little."
"Okay. Let's hear the relaxing music."
"All right."
She pressed a control, and the computer began to play a slow, melodic
song that supplemented Obi-Wan's attempts to calm himself, forget his worries,
and prepare for whatever was to happen the next day.
Disclaimer: Obi-Wan, Anakin, Corellia and all the other Star Wars stuff
belongs to Lucasfilm Ltd. "Jar Jar Must Die" belongs to somebody, I don't
know who, but it's not me. Mel-Ano Nigwen is the only one who belongs to
me. I write these stories because it's fun. :-)