Disclaimer

Disclaimer: We do not own Gundam Wing, or anything associated with them (or anything else except for our cardboard box, and this trusty laptop, which we exchanged on the black market in exchange for a wombat toenail. We don't even own the socket that we plugged the laptop in, oh shit! The homeowner has retur- we must go! Quickly, to the Angel Mobile(cardboard box)!). We do, however, own the rights to the stories we concoct. And, being the creative and enlightened authors that we are, reserve the right to abuse all characters in our stories as we see fit, or at least to the fullest extent of the law. And no, this has nothing to do with Christmas.

Five Gundam Guys, Four Easily Amused SPEDs, and a Partridge in a Pear Tree

Chapter 5

Since the dinner had been so exhausting, everyone came home and went strait to bed. Of course, in the middle of the night, 3 o'clock to be exact, Kelly launched herself into the room, she thought to be Heero's and onto the bed to awaken him.

She was a bit surprised when she found that it was none other than Duo, which she had mistakenly kneed in a very sensitive area. She just left him there groaning in pain and went across the hall to find the REAL reason she was up.

Everyone, hearing the agonizing groans, had slowly made their way down to the second floor to find the cause. As they reached the second floor, they looked around it was coming from the second door on the right. Duo's room.

Wufei slowly opened the door to find Duo in a fetal position shaking like he had been out in thirty degree weather all night wearing absolutely nothing.

"Maybe he needs a doctor?"

"Umm... how 'bout some ice."

With that, Duo began to thrash around violently and then stopped.

"We have a slight problem...."

Half an hour later at the hospital

"I never knew this kind of injury was possible, but I'm not surprised Kelly would be the one to inflict it."

After they came home from the hospital and everyone was "awake", except a few people, *cough*TAMEN*cough*ALLISON*cough*PARTY POOPERS*cough cough*, they were sitting around the house, they had used up most of the entertainment that had been left around.

"I wanna play volleyball." Ashley announced.

"No." Kelly disagreed.

"C'mon! Volleyball's fun!"

"No it's not."

"Yes it is."

"You can go play by yourself then."

"Somebody will come with me."

"Duo can't move, Trowa and Quatre are....busy....Allison and Tamen are sleeping, Wufei is...greasy, the ball would slide right off his hands, and Heero doesn't strike me as the kind of person who would want to play volleyball. Oh yeah, and I hate it."

"Well aren't you just the big meanie today? Are you gonna be Ms. Grumpypants?"

"Yes."

"You weren't supposed to go with that answer, but.....okay, then what do you want to do Ms. spoilsport?"

"I thought I was Ms. Grumpypants."

"Wait a minute....go back...say that again?"

"Nevermind."

"Okay...."

Twenty two minutes of silence later...

"I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE SOMEBODY FRIGGIN' TALK!"

Kelly burst out laughing, "I knew that would irk you."

Tamen, who had FINALLY found the time to pull herself out of bed, came down the stairs, and found that everyone else was up and had gone to sit in the living room. She walked in and took a seat.

"Where's Duo?" was the first thing that came out of her mouth.

"He's immobilized," Kelly replied.

Tamen frowned and went to "check" on him. As she exited the room, Kelly made the comment everyone was thinking, "Get him while he's down."

There was a chorus of laughter echoing through the halls, and most likely down the shoreline, too.

Tamen made her way upstairs to the second floor. She walked down the hall to Duo's room to see if she could help with anything. She opened the door slowly, and peeked her head in.

"Need anything, Duo?"

"Ice," he grunted, eyes still closed tightly in pain.

"Kay-kay, I'll be right back."

Tamen went back downstairs and into the kitchen. She made Duo another ice pack and then went back upstairs. She walked into his room and tossed the ice pack towards him.

"Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

"Oops. I guess I shouldn't've thrown it." Tamen whispered. "Bye for now."

Most of the day passed without trouble, except the occasional shouts from Duo for help.

Tamen had gone back into the room a while ago. At one point in time, Heero couldn't take the shouts anymore, and went up to yell at Tamen for all he was worth.

"This is gonna be great." Kelly got up to follow.

"You are so not leaving me here." Ashley replied and got up.

"Zzzzz," Allison snored, not even attempting to move and waste the precious energy.

As Heero cautiously opened the door, he saw Tamen attempting to "help him with the problem area."

"Tamen, you're breaking him!" Kelly yelled, startling her and making her fall backwards onto the floor. She turned to holler at the intruders, but found herself at the end of a small pistol.

"Hehehe... I was just trying to get him out of that fetal position." Time to go she thought, and made her way through the door.

"Hey Duo! Look! Laxatives!" Ashley held up a small bottle

Duo didn't move, he just sat there, eyes glazed over.

"This isn't fun anymore," Ashley complained.

"Where did you find those?"

"Relena's bathroom," Ashley chided. Heero smirked, not a smile like everyone would have liked to see, but a smirk. Blackmail.

"Since when is Relena constipated?" Kelly asked.

Meanwhile, Heero was going to go to Relena's room to see what else he could find.

"Where ya going special buddy buddy?"

Heero just walked away smirking.

"Fine, I guess I'll just have to follow you."

"Wait, you can't just leave me here," Ashley said.

The three made their way down in the basement to Relena's room. Ashley so kindly pointed out the medicine cabinet where she found the laxatives. In the medicine cabinet and in her room, they found Preparation H, false teeth glue, Polident, more laxatives, anti-dandruff shampoo, maximum strength RID, Depends, condoms, several posters of Heero labeled "god", push-up bras, a vibrator, bloody razor, empty Tylenol bottles, birth control pills, a closet full of hooker clothes and lingerie, and a mini bar full of liqueur.

"Damn. She thinks she's ninety," Kelly commented.

"Her room could double as a pharmacy," Ashley marveled.

"And an old people home," Kelly added.

"Ooh, look at the conspicuously placed gargoyle!" Ashley exclaimed.

The SPEDs have arrived! Kelly Allison, Tamen and Ashley, along with their nappy-haired "aquaintence" May, have come to spend some time at a beach house that happens to belong to Relena

Ashley touched the gargoyle's head and the wall cleared away. Behind it, was a shrine dedicated to Heero complete with a map of where he had been, and pictures of everything that he did.

"Ummm, Heero, I think you have a friendly neighborhood stalker," Kelly grinned.

"Not for long," Heero grumbled while brining out a small package of explosives from wherever he keeps those things.

"The house Heero, the house."

"Damn."

"I promise that we can have a big bonfire on the last day of our visit. You can burn whatever you want to of Relena's. K?"

"Fine."

The group went back upstairs, and finally began to notice what had actually been there all along.

"Do you guys smell that?"

Everyone sniffed the air and began to get weird looks on their faces.

"Smells like something's rotting...."

"Where the hell is it coming from?"

They followed the distinct odor up the stairs. Next to the door, they found Wufei rocking back and forth, saying something they couldn't make out until they got closer.

"Can't make me, can't make me."

"Okay....."

"It's coming from in there." Kelly said and pointed to the bathroom door.

"Umm.... who actually WANTS to see what it is?"

"I'll go," Kelly said with a smile on her face, "maybe I can dissect it!" She pushed open the door, only to find the bloody, mutilated corpse of May lying in the bathtub. The maggots had already gotten to it.

"Time to go," Ashley said before making her way up to her room.

"Stupid maggots, it'll be really hard to cut her open now, do you have any formaldehyde? And who's gonna help me drag her down to the kitchen?"

"THE KITCHEN?!?!?!" Allison yelled, running down the stairs for the first time in years.

"Okay, okay, the basement." Kelly muttered.

Allison and Kelly made their way down to the basement dragging May behind them.

"Can someone get my my tools?"

"Tools?" Tamen asked, hiding her sculpting knives and such away from Kelly.

"Yeah.... I'm gonna need some...." and she began to ramble off a list of what she'd need. When the night was over, May was in thirteen different pieces scattered across the basement floor.

"Wow, Relena's gonna be so happy you redecorated her shrine."

"Yeah, isn't that great?"

"One question."

"Yup!"

"Who's gonna clean out the bathroom?"

All was silent. No one wanted to enter the bathroom let alone clean it out. The smell was enough to knock out a sumo wrestler.

"Wufei! Oh, there you are. You get to clean out the bathroom."

He turned to run as far away as he could get, but was stopped when Heero grabbed him by his shirt and yanked him back towards the bathroom. "Bathroom or basement." He said.

Wufei turned and walked into the bathroom. Ten minutes later, a thud was heard.

"The smell got him," Kelly said.

"Tamen, get your clay. Seal up the bathroom or something."

"Okay!" She said, happy to have something to do.

When they closed the door off with the clay, the smell was still penetrating the door. "I think you're gonna have to use some cement."

"Hold on," Tamen said, rushing up to her room, and coming back minutes later with a bag of quick drying cement. She noticed the stares she was receiving. "What? And you don't keep bags of cement with you?"

"No." Everyone said in unison. Tamen got a slightly sheepish look on her face and went back to work. That smell was getting on her nerves.

Hours later, all the windows were open and the smell had finally left.

"So what DID happen to her, Kelly?"

"Well, first of all, she overdosed on the tylenol in the medicine cabinet. They didn't kick in fast enough for her so she slit her wrists with the razor blade that Wufei so conveniently supplied. Thank you Wufei."

"Anything else?"

"Yeah, she was pregnant,"

"Could you identify the father?"

"Nopers, she wasn't far enough along."

"Okay."