When the Lines Blur
Fourth in my Snape series. And would you know, this all started as just a little thing to get me past my writers block. Read the other three to get the complete picture, but this can stand alone if you like. Single quotations are what Snape's thinking, it's from Snape's POV, yadda, yadda, the usual.
As I watched Voldemort grow stronger, I was afraid. If we didn't do something now, we'd never get the chance. We'd just seen the train off from Hogwarts, and the entire staff were discussing Voldemort, and our chances against him.
And yet, some little part of me that I thought I had banished forever was nagging at me, forcing me to ask myself the inevitable question: Would it really matter to me which side won in the coming battle? Should it matter?
Yes, I tried to convince myself. Dumbledore was the truest friend you could ask for, and I knew for a fact that Albus was a prime target on Voldemort's `wish I could murder them' list. Second only, in fact, to Potter. I shuddered to think what would happen if Voldemort actually got everything he wanted for Christmas.
`But if the Light Side wins, you'll be fine, and if the Dark Side wins, you'll be even better off,' insisted that little voice, and it was becoming harder and harder to deny what I knew to be the truth. But for some reason I reacted violently to it.
'No! I can't desert Hogwarts now! They need me! This is what I have to do, and there's Potter, I have to protect him.'
"Severus?" I glanced up at the owner of the voice and saw Albus Dumbledore regarding me with a curious expression on his face.
"Did you say something?"
"I was just discussing Voldemort with the other teachers. Not that you need it."
"And I missed it?" I asked with mock-horror. "Oh dear, Voldemort's really gonna get me now: I could've been listening in on your conversation, gathering important information, and I was day-dreaming!" He chuckled appreciatively.
"It's good to see that the whole Voldemort thing isn't panicking you, but aren't you taking this a bit casually?" he inquired.
"Casually? If you think this is casual, than you're crazier than I thought. It's all I can do to not just- just..."
"Just what?" The question startled me. It wasn't that it was unexpected, it was that I didn't know the answer. I didn't know what I wanted, short of Voldemort's defeat. Like that was gonna happen.
"I don't know," I admitted.
"You don't know, or you don't want to tell me?" Dumbledore asked, and there was a tenseness in his voice that hadn't been there before. Not that I blamed him. He couldn't afford to take any chances; not just for his sake, but for the entire wizarding world. Because just as Potter was a symbol of hope for most wizards, we were counting on Albus to lead us.
"I don't know!" I almost yelled, and the entire staff turned to stare at me. I glared at them, and they turned back to their own conversations again, but I could almost feel their eyes on me. I normally didn't lose control like that. I stormed out of the hall, and headed down to my office. Albus followed.
"I didn't mean to sound so accusing," he began, "and I'm sorry. But-"
"But I'm one of Voldemort's, and never to be trusted," I finished for him.
"That's not what I said, and that's not what I mean. You're taking this way too personally."
"Drop dead."
He paused in mid-stride, and I chanced a glance back at him. He looked shocked and hurt, and I felt bad about what I'd said. Especially since him dropping dead was exactly what Voldemort had in mind. But I couldn't go back now. It would be easier for him -if worst came to worst- if he didn't feel that my well-being was his responsibility.
I continued down the stairs to my office, and this time he didn't follow. I slammed the office door behind me as hard as I could, showing the violent side of my nature that Voldemort had been so quick to pick up on. But that just showed how much he knew. Because I was certain he didn't know I was a spy for the opposing side. No, the question I kept asking myself was whether or not I was truly helping Dumbledore's side. Or was I just looking out for my own best interests?
I continued to ask myself the question, both because it seemed important to me, and because I couldn't come up with a satisfactory answer.
'And I won't find an answer,' I thought bitterly. And it was true. Because sometimes the best of intentions turn out so wrong. It didn't seem fair. I didn't deserve this.
'Neither did Lily and James and Harry.' It was true, and I knew it.
'But I did all I could for James and Lily!' That was likely true as well, but who could tell for certain? The lines between good and evil blurred in this war. The difference between right and wrong was so easy to forget, and I wondered whether I really was better than Voldemort. It was easy to say I was, but was I really? Were any of us?
I couldn't be sure. Because to win we'd have to be as ruthless and heartless as Voldemort himself was, and I couldn't see the point of winning, if by winning we lost exactly what we were fighting for.
But who was I to say whether we were right or wrong? I only hoped we would do what was right. You couldn't ask for anything else.
And the lines blur....