DISCLAIMER: I don't own gundam wing or any of its characters. I don't even own my car so don't sue me*_*
Need To Be Next To You
BY: Lara_Winner
SONG BY: Leigh Nash
I've run from these feelings for so long
Telling my heart I didn't mean it
Hilde raised her eyes to the overcast sky. The drab gray setting and cold breeze matched her mood perfectly. Shivering she huddled deeper into the warm comfort of her thick sweatshirt. However, the warm material did nothing to melt the ice that had settled with in her. Pulling her knees to her chest she huddled on the park bench oblivious to the winter charm of her surroundings.
Closing her eyes she focused on the freezing gust of wind nipping at her skin. She would rather suffer the cold than return to the one room closet she now called home. An intense rush of longing filled her as her mind brought up the image of the little house she left behind. That was her home, that's where her heart was. Frowning slightly she reluctantly let another image fill her mind. Shaggy brown bangs falling over laughing violet eyes and a sexy grin.
She gasped at the sharp pain that suddenly stabbed her heart. She couldn't think about Duo, not now. She tried forcing his handsome face from her mind but it was too late. The throbbing pain in her chest refused to go away. Dragging in a deep breath she her hands clenched into fists of frustration. This wasn't supposed to hurt. She had made the only decision she could and she was supposed to feel better. Then why the hell was she wishing she were back home? Why couldn't she forget him for just one moment?
Six weeks and it only hurt worse everyday. No matter how many times she told herself she did the right thing it didn't help. She tried to avoid thinking about it but that didn't work either. The pain was always there just under the surface waiting to consumer her. She couldn't take much more. It was becoming a chore just to open her eyes every morning. The more she tried to hold strong in her resolve the more she missed him. Damn her foolish heart!
Pretending I was better off alone
But I know that it's just a lie
She had thought leaving would be the hard part but she was wrong. She had no trouble telling him off and walking out the door. It was as if a part of her had stood watching the scene unfold from a distance. The words she spoke were filled with contempt and uncontrollable rage. She had been so angry at that moment. She had been so hurt she didn't even bother to analyze her actions as she gave into the need to hurt him in return.
But revenge is a double-edged sword. She would never forget the expression in his eyes as she looked at him that last time. The mixture of stunned agony reflected in his eyes would forever be burned in her soul. Running from the effect of her actions she set out to forget him.
If she had thought about it, if she had taken a moment think about what it would be like alone she would never have left. But she didn't think and now her only companion was the ever-present loneliness suffocating her. And to make it worse she couldn't stop thinking about him because the little things about him that she took for granted before now she missed like hell. She never thought she would see the day when she'd be glad to have his clothes thrown all about their bedroom and his dirty towels in heaps on the bathroom floor. She never thought she'd miss his off-key singing while in the shower or the way he could spend hours just fiddling with his hair. God, she even missed his snoring.
So afraid of taking a chance again
So afraid of what I feel inside
But she severely messed up any chance at redemption when she walked out the door. Quatre had been reluctant to tell her exactly what Duo had said but she forced it out of him. Duo was angry and he was hurt and at the moment he didn't like her very much. Well, she had expected that but it still hurt. She never meant to hurt him but it wasn't entirely her fault either. He'd been pushing her away for months. He shut her out and expected her to mind her own business. But she couldn't ignore that something was wrong.
For a while she had wondered if he was seeing someone else. The more she thought about it she started to get scared. One night she tried to confront him about it and all hell broke loose. He accused her of not trusting him and she threw it right back in his face saying if he trusted her then he'd let her help him. One word led to another and before she knew it he'd stormed out of the house and she didn't see him till the next afternoon.
After that she tried to ignore it but it was hard not to miss him beside her when she went to sleep at night. Then he started staying out more and more. The little time she did have with him and the nights he would stay home he acted fine. To look at the way her treated her no one would guess there was a problem. But there obviously was because he'd stay home one night and then stay out for the next two or three. She got tired of that awfully quick.
But maybe she shouldn't have left. Ending their relationship was something she never wanted to do. But her anger had done the talking and now she could never find enough words to say she was sorry. Its not like he wants you too, her mind taunted.
But even if he would forgive her she couldn't go back to that. She needed someone who loved her as much as she loved them and Duo just couldn't do that. His heart was still burdened by demons she could never imagine. He just wasn't capable of loving her completely and she didn't blame him for that. He tried, he really had tried, but it was her fault she couldn't be satisfied.
But I need to be next to you
I need to share every breath with you
I need to know I can see you smile each morning
Look into your eyes at night
For the rest of my life
A bitter smile crossed her lips at the thought. That was an outright lie and she knew it. She'd go back in a heartbeat. He could rip her heart to shreds and she'd still come crawling back for more. She didn't need him to love her in return, she just needed to be able to love him. Why did she have to be so pathetic?
Here with you, near with you
Oh I,
I need to be next to you
Unable to stop them she felt the hot scalding tears start to fall from her eyes. Logically she knew she had her freedom now. She could go anywhere and do anything she chose but nothing mattered, nothing had any appeal. She needed Duo, there was no other choice her heart would let her make. He was a part of her and without him she was empty. She hated to admit it, even to herself, but she was lost without him.
Right here with you is right where I belong
I'd loose my mind if I could see you
She would give anything just to see him again. Her memories were just not comforting enough. Her memories couldn't hold her and they couldn't kiss her and they couldn't touch her and they couldn't fill the void in her soul. She needed his presence, the comforting warmth of his body and the sound of his voice more than the very air she was breathing.
Resting her head on her knees she began to sob quietly. Releasing the pent up tears seemed to lighten the burden of her heart, if only for the moment. She was going crazy. One moment she would be fine, able to smile and laugh and then the next moment she would break down in tears completely miserable. She couldn't go on like this. You know you can't go back.
What would it take to get some semblance of her soul again? She had taken the steps and left and now she had to get on with her life. She needed to fine something that would take her mind of the pain, something that would give her meaning. At the thought nothing came of mind but a pair of brilliantly shining violet eyes. No! This had to stop. She couldn't even close her eyes without seeing his face. He was everywhere, invading her thoughts, her dreams and even weakening her resolve.
How could she go back? How could she beg him to take her back? He didn't deserve her pleading damn it! He didn't deserve to know just how much she missed him or just how miserable and unbearable her life had become. He wouldn't appreciate her tears. How could he? He didn't love her anymore.
At the startling truth she cried all the harder. Quatre hadn't said those words exactly but she knew the truth. Maybe Duo had been secretly hoping she would leave all along. But then why did he seem so crushed when she left? Maybe because he realized he'd miss her cooking and her laundry abilities.
She laughed bitterly. No, he had loved her but what about now? She wasn't so sure and she didn't have the guts to find out. She had to move on, there wasn't a choice anymore.
Without you there is nothing in this life
That would make life worth living for
Move on to what? A lonely life with nothing but regrets wasn't her idea of living. And just the thought of loving someone else made her flinch away in disgust. She could never love anyone the way she loved him. There was just something about him that had captured her heart the first time she met him. The way he smiled at her could make her weak in the knees and when he kissed her she swore she could feel it through her whole body. Just to look in his eyes put her soul at ease. Duo had the word in his eyes, his emotions always ranging from one extreme to the other. But they had always held love when they looked into hers.
Now there was nothing to put her at ease. There was nothing to fill her heart with joy and take the stress of everyday living away. Hell, she wasn't even living. The depression that had taken hold of her would not let go. She couldn't even remember that last time she smiled a real smile because now there was nothing to smile about. There was nothing. That one word summed up everything.
I can't bear the thought of you not there
I can't fight what I feel anymore
Lifting her head she opened her bleary red-rimmed eyes. She really couldn't do this anymore. The tears weren't going to solve anything and the loneliness wasn't going go away. She just couldn't fight it anymore. She still loved him and she always would and the only thing left to admit was that she wanted to go home. The need to feel him and hold him was too overwhelming.
Forcing herself up from the bench she wiped the tears from her eyes. She had to go see him now before she lost the nerve. She was only blocks from the house and not letting herself think of the rejection she could face she started off in the direction of her home.
'Cause I need to be next to you
I need to share every breath with you
I need to know I can see you smiling every morning
Look into your eyes at night
For the rest of my life
Hesitantly she walked up to the door. Taking a deep breath she raised her hand to knock and paused. Her thoughts whirled around her head in confusing circles. What if he slammed the door in her face? What if he got angry? What if he told her to leave? She couldn't do this. Shaking her head violently she steeled her spine. She'd come this far, there was no way in hell she was backing out now. If he refused to talk to her then she would leave but she had to try first.
She held her breath as she knocked loudly on the wooden door. The only sound she could hear was the frantic pounding of her heart pulsing in her ears. As the seconds dragged by her heart started to sink. There was no sound coming from inside the house. No lights were on from what she could tell. No. He had to be home, he just had to be.
Knocking again she could feel the pressure of tears behind her eyes. If he didn't answer this time she was leaving. She knew she wouldn't get the courage to do this again. It was taking all her will power just to stand here waiting. After a moment her shoulders slumped in defeat as she turned away from the door.
Here with you, near with you
Oh I,
I need to be next to you
She clapped a hand over her mouth as a loud sob escaped her lips. Glancing back at the house she flinched from the unbearably painful longing that filled her. Blindly she began to run needing to put as much distance between herself and the face of everything she gave up.
With each jarring footstep her sobs only grew more forceful. Trying to escape the pain she forced the images of Duo out of her mind. But as quickly as one thought left a new one took its place. Visions of his smile, his eyes, watching him sleep, his laugh, and his voice saying I love you. Unable to stop them she gave up as she collapsed to her knees. Hanging her head, in the middle of the sidewalk, she vented the frustration and regret that was destroying her inside out.
I need to have your heart next to mine
For all times
Hold you for all my life
I need to be next to you
After composing herself enough she started the long walk back to her apartment. She was so lost in her confused jumble of emotions and thoughts she barely noticed as she left the neighborhoods behind and entered the heart of L2. Not in a hurry to get to the confined and lonely atmosphere of her little place she walked slowly looking of any form of distraction. She tried to ignore the occasional couples she passed but it was useless. Seeing the content people holding hands made her want to scream in frustration. Did fate have to rub it in?
She fucked up royally. She made the biggest mistake of her life and now she was suffering for it. Everywhere she looked something only served to bring up her decision. Gritting her teeth she tried to keep her concentration on the ground before her. Slowly the sound of music filled her ears and her head snapped up. She was right outside a little hole-in-the-wall bar. The soft mellow sound of a depressing jukebox music called out to the loneliness inside of her. She really didn't want to go home yet. She had nothing there to go to. Right now she didn't think she could stand the still silence and the four barren walls. Not really having a choice she entered the bar.
The dark hazy smoke filled air instantly made her feel some sort of artificial comfort. Wanting to be left alone she made her way to shadowed booth way in the corner. The place was low-key but there was a crowd being it was Saturday night. The thought made her grimace. With Duo Saturday nights had never been boring or lonely. This whole place reminded her of him. There was just something about the laid back atmosphere that screamed Duo.
Closing her eyes she sighed. When was it gonna stop? She couldn't keep doing this to herself. Duo wouldn't take her back and she had to accept that. What if he had been home? Would seeing him have done more harm than good? He was trying to get on with his life, he didn't need her coming back in and screwing things over for him. If she really loved him she wouldn't make this worse for him. She would just have to let go.
I need to be next to you
Need to be, Need to be next to you
Share every breath with you
I need to feel you in my arms babe
In my arms babe
I need to be next to you
Just for one moment she wished with all her heart she could hold him once more. Just to feel his arms surround her and be able to touch him. To breathe in the sent of his cologne clinging to his skin and feel his pulse when she pressed her lips to his throat. To feel his body against hers and know that it was real and not some dream of her imagination. Just to have the chance once more. I'm so, so sorry, I love you.
But this time no tears filled her eyes. She couldn't cry anymore tonight. She'd cried a river and it done a damn bit of good. She had to stop thinking for a little while. Her mind was her worst enemy at the moment. She would cry more tomorrow and go through he same emotions all over again and in the end it would all be for nothing. Sometimes you can't change the past.
A bitter smile twisted her lips as her wandering gaze landed on a couple sitting at the bar. The public display of affection they in the midst of was weirdly endearing. She couldn't help but wonder how sober the couple was. From the way it looked not much.
Turning away her eyes traveled the length of the bar. A lone figure sat about three seats away from the couple. He was hunched over his drink seemingly oblivious to the music and people surrounding him. He seemed to be in the same mood she was in. Every now and then she would she his head turn to the side and he would glance at the couple a few chairs away. Sitting directly behind him she couldn't see his face but there was still something startlingly familiar about him. Just as the though crossed her mind he turned in his seat slightly and she got a glimpse of his profile.
It was only a glimpse but it was enough, more than enough. Her heart slammed into her ribs and the air rushed out of her lungs. The pounding of her heart throbbed in her ears as she continued to stare shocked. This time tears did fill her eyes and she didn't bother to stop them as they coursed down her colorless cheeks. Of all the places to find him, oh God……..
Duo……..
A.N- Sorry to leave you hanging like that but the next part will be out shortly, I promise. Now, I just have to find the right song. I have a couple in mind so I'll start working on it soon. I hope you liked it and please be patient and I will give you a happy sappy ending just the way you guys like it. Love ya guys!!!!!!!*_*