Warnings: This is yaoi, i.e. boy/boy. Do not read if that kind of thing bothers you.
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, or any of its characters.
Notes: 2+5. Just a little more until the end!
Counting Stars
Part 6: The Idol
Wufei instinctively pulled away from the sudden kiss, but Duo reached across the table and grasped his shoulders tightly. He couldn't get away now without some kind of violence.
Duo pushed foreword gently with his lips; the other pilot closed his eyes against the sudden rush of sensation. He could feel Duo's heart beating through his hot breath, and, oh gods, he wanted to be closer.
The
first star is for discipline; the last is for realization.
But behind his eyelids he could still see that same night sky, beckoning and warning. The closer he got, the further he would be. He had to; he had to . . .
Wufei drudged up the last of his will and violently pushed Duo away. He watched as the braided pilot fell backwards into his chair, barely managing to keep his balance. Duo looked up, a strange, burning look in his eyes and on his face. Wufei kept his vision close to him; his shield of stars would protect him. Duo was standing; Wufei had to get away.
"You pushed me," Duo said, taking three careful steps around the table to where Wufei was standing.
Wufei cleared his throat, "You…kissed me," he said, quietly.
Duo laughed bitterly, "Can you see the stars, Wufei? They're fucking clear to me. And they don't mean anything."
Wufei leaned away and felt the cold hard pressure of the kitchen wall against his back, "Are you real, Duo? Is this real? Any of this? I'm not Trowa; and you're definitely not Quatre."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Duo asked, already understanding.
Wufei shook his head. Those last words had made Duo draw away. The closer he got… he looked into his sky and saw himself drawing closer and closer to a star. But the sun was too hot for him; the cold stars beckoned him again. It was better to chase the spaces between them, those deep black expanses, and never draw too close… but could Duo understand this? He took another step toward the door, sliding against the cold wall, "It means 'stay away', Maxwell. I don't want this."
Duo stared at the Chinese pilot, confused. How could he feel this about Wufei? He'd been drunk last night; there was some excuse. But now… he was so damn drawn to Wufei that it hurt. Was it his dreams? Had they brought him here, making him think things he shouldn't?
What had drawn Duo? Just standing here, he could see it. He decided to memorize every feature, every nervous motion Wufei made while waiting for Duo's response. Some of Wufei's hair, usually so tightly bound, had escaped its elastic. Several loose strands brushed against Wufei's forehead. And those eyes that held everything in so well now, which he had begun to see behind. Wufei was a poignant mystery that he would never solve…unless he let him.
Even as Duo committed Wufei to memory the other pilot was drawing further away, pushing his thoughts deep into his bottomless well.
Duo
knew what he had to say, "Do you want to hear about my dream now?" he gave a
fake grin, "You were in it," and not this guardian figure. I saw you, and you smiled at me. A real smile.
Wufei shrugged, finally reaching the door. He had to get out of here, back to his room.
"What's wrong with you, Fei?" Duo asked before Wufei could leave, "Are you afraid?"
Wufei froze. What was wrong with him? "I'm not afraid, Maxwell."
Duo laughed, "I may not be real, but I know what is real and what is not. You keep counting trivialities, looking for truths that don't exist."
"What?"
"There is nothing, there never was anything that the stars can tell you. You came up with your own truth, and made it true yourself. You decided you didn't need or want to be close to anyone, so you could build your own peaceful fortress to keep everyone away. The stars were always just an excuse," he paused, "an idol to hold up as a reason."
Wufei felt something inside him begin to boil. It felt like anger, but this wasn't the pure, righteous anger that came so easily to him. Right now, he didn't want justice. He wanted to wring Duo's slightly muscular neck until he took back everything he had just said. Until he stopped questioning what Wufei had based his entire existence on, "So," he said, his voice still sounding calm, "everything I've ever believed is wrong. It is all an… idol I use for my own means."
Duo didn't recognize that expression on Wufei's face, "Yes. You are a fool, Fei, to have stayed so far away from us for so long, away from me," Other people reassure us that we exist.
"I'm a fool," Wufei whispered, "I'll admit to that. A wise man wouldn't still be standing here."
Duo laughed, "Very true; we're both fools, then."
Wufei realized he really should leave now, before he boiled over. All a lie. The anger, and something else, snapped inside him. He was drowning in a sudden sea of old memories and emotions; he couldn't control it any more. So he poured them out, onto Duo.
All the other pilot knew was that one second Wufei was standing there, silent, and the next Duo found himself pinned to the floor. Wufei had lunged out of the doorway and slammed Duo down onto the tiles.
"Wufei," Duo gasped, "what are you doing?" he didn't struggle, he wouldn't until he knew Wufei's intentions. From this distance he could smell the pilot's sweat.
Wufei looked down at the God of Death, shocked with himself. He had fought so hard to get away, and somehow ended up even closer. How was that possible? Duo's warm body shifted slightly under him. And why wasn't he struggling?
The places their bodies touched were growing warm. Again, Wufei felt the incredible urge to get even closer, despite its almost impossibility. He had two options now; he could sense this truth as easily as he could feel Duo's shoulders under his hands. The first choice was to get up and leave. Return to his room and wait for night so he could stare out his window. Or he could try to get closer. He knew which he wanted, but that closeness terrified him. Duo was right; he was scared.
Duo saw the sudden instability and indecision cross Wufei's features. He waited, smiling. Duo had already made his decision.
Wufei sighed, and chose. He wanted to see how close to the sun he could get before being burned. The stars faded slightly in his memory as he closed the distance between the two of them. And for a while, he forgot everything.