Author's Note: Yep, more angsty shounen ai coming up. If it makes you squidgy... *points to back button* ...click it, click it good!
Kismet: *sings* Oh, baby, it's Christmasss...all ooover...again...
Wufei: *bangs head against the wall* Stop singing already!
Kismet: What, you don't like it? Sounds like someone doesn't have much Christmas spirit.
Wufei: Christmas spirit is for onnas like you, Ki-chan.
Kismet: Fine. I'll just give you coal for Christmas. How would you like that?
Wufei: I don't care what you do, as long as you stop with the horrible screeching.
Kismet: I was singing!
Wufei: Whatever.
by Kismet
kismetchan@hotmail.com
**********
They had fought viciously after that. One strange little incident kicking up suppressed feelings like a cloud of dust. And when all was said and done, Heero was rather startled that no one had appeared to keep them from killing each other. It was a typical domestic spat with a hundred times the pent-up anger. If sound could travel through space, Heero wouldn't have been surprised to find that people on Earth heard them yelling obscenities at each other.
Heero knew and yet he didn't know what caused it. He knew it was stupid of him to display humor at a moment like that, but he hadn't at all expected Duo to react the way he did. He had apologized a thousand times over that night, but Duo was too angry to care. Heero sensed that was not the only thing on his mind.
He suspected it had more to do with a sort of depression Duo had developed. In the months beforehand, Heero had noticed him becoming oddly secretive. Sometimes, Duo would smile his same old Maxwell smile, but the smile would never quite reach his eyes. And the look in his indigo depths when he thought Heero wasn't looking...sometimes Heero thought that Duo was possessed by someone else entirely. It was clear Duo was hiding something, something he didn't want Heero to see...something that made him want to push Heero away. And that something, along with a ridiculous combination of some other things, had torn them apart.
That day Duo had ended up telling him to leave. And when the sky darkened, he did. He never looked back.
And Duo never came after him.
So it was over.
To make himself feel better, Heero used to tell himself that he was better off without Duo Maxwell dragging down his life. The whole incident with Duo was nothing more than a big waste. The whole relationship involved a lot of time, energy, and patience that he just didn't possess.
It just wasn't worth it.
And in time Heero managed to convince himself that things ended the way they did because they would have ended sooner or later, anyway. At the time it appeared to be the right decision.
But apparently it wasn't. Heero couldn't stop thinking about it. True, Duo had told him plainly to get out, but Heero sensed that he was only trying to push him away again. He should have ignored Duo's harsh words completely instead of letting his pride get in the way. What Duo needed was the exact opposite of what he had done. He needed Heero close by. It was like Duo was testing him, seeing if he'd stay. And Heero had failed.
Nothing would ease the pain of defeat. Heero's anger quickly melted into hurt feelings of guilt. His share of the blame had settled hard on his shoulders so that he wore it like a comfortable old coat at all times. It had been with him so long that he had almost forgotten it was there...almost. And now Quatre's call had made him even more aware of it. Quatre thought he should get rid of it for good.
And he was right.
He sighed. Quatre was right, but right now Heero seriously disliked him for it. Heero hated when other people underestimated another's situation. Sure, going to see Duo sounded simple to Quatre, but for Heero himself...it was a whole other story. It was easier said than done. Quatre didn't know what he was talking about, so he was also wrong.
But Heero shouldn't have gone so long without addressing the problem...
He closed his eyes. You did this to yourself, he told himself. Heero had the familiar habit of ignoring problems that obvious to everyone else but himself. He knew that they were there, he just chose not to do anything about it until it was too late. Just like their last argument. Heero had just let it happen. He had seen the signs beforehand and had done nothing to prevent it. And afterwards he was too stubborn to go back.
And there wasn't much he could do about it now. He had only one real option left. And he was more than a bit reluctant to take Quatre's advice.
Duo had once accused Heero of being unfeeling. In a way this was true, but in a completely different way it was false. For Heero felt lots of things -- disappointment, hope, faith, frustration...he just never felt the urge to share them with anyone else. However...Heero was never sure that what he felt was love. He had felt it once, he supposed, but somewhere it had turned to guilt. And now that he thought about it, each didn't seem that different from the other.
Heero's eyes fluttered shut. What do I do? he asked himself. Where do I even start?
As he slipped out of consciousness, his tired mind continued to seek the answer.
By the time Heero caught up with Duo, he was already halfway home.
"Duo!" he yelled. "What's wrong?"
Duo spun on him, his eyes livid. "How could you do that to me?!"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you'd get so upset."
"You scared the hell out of me! Do you have any I idea what I thought?!"
"I didn't know you thought it was serious."
"Yeah, well, when I saw you lying on the ground, bleeding everywhere..." he swallowed. "I thought you were --" his voice broke. "Shit."
Heero seemed to be unable to do anything but stare at him. "You thought I was dead?"
Duo turned away, walking quickly so that Heero had to run to keep him within earshot. "I don't even know why I worried. Sometimes I don't even know why I care. I wish I fucking knew why."
Heero remained silent until they arrived back at the house. Duo angrily stomped up the front porch, nearly pulled the door off its hinges, and slammed it behind him with ten times more force than necessary, the windowpanes rattling.
He watched this as his heart sank. He felt as though Duo were locking him out, and it was a strange sensation. Usually it was the other way around -- Heero would try to keep something from Duo, forgetting that Duo already knew everything about him. But now he found that Duo was the one with the secrets -- and Heero didn't know what to do.
So he followed him inside.
Heero was awakened for the second time that day by yet another disturbance, the sound of his apartment door closing. He listened intently as someone wearing a pair of heels clicked into his kitchen and stopped. The irritating sound was then muffled by the cushioned carpet as the person walked down the hall towards his room.
He reached over and pulled a pillow over his face. Please don't let it be who I think it is...
"Heero?"
Perfect. "Hello, Relena," he said sardonically.
She grabbed the pillow away from him and Heero found himself staring into a pair of wide blue eyes framed by golden bangs. "How can you live like this?" she said, gesturing to the disarray around her.
Heero followed her gaze. "What's wrong with it?"
Relena muttered something that sounded suspiciously like the word "men," and replaced the pillow at the head of Heero's bed where it belonged. Then she straightened her impeccable blue suit and arranged herself neatly at the foot of the bed near Heero's feet.
Heero and Relena had dated briefly before deciding they were better off as friends, eventually becoming very close over the years. Now they had a sort of brother-and-sister relationship that involved a lot of Relena's playful insults and joking death threats from Heero. Still, Relena could be depended upon when she was needed most.
Heero stared at her expectantly. "May I ask why you took time out of your busy schedule to come and hand me more unsolicited advice?"
The corners of her mouth curved slightly as she struggled not to smile. "I just got a call from Quatre," she informed him, "and he told me that you and Duo are having...problems."
He threw her an unamused look. "Relena, I don't have time for this."
"You don't have time to listen to me nag, but you have time to lay around in your bed all day?" she teased him, arching an eyebrow.
"I made my own bed," Heero muttered. "Now I have to lie in it."
Relena sensed something was up immediately. "Heero, I guess you know why I'm here, then."
Heero didn't answer.
She sighed. "I know you don't want to hear this, but I think you need to." She waited for him to meet her eyes. "I don't know what happened between you and Duo, and frankly, it's not my business to know. But since you're both my good friends, I hate to see you both torturing yourselves over it."
Heero almost smiled. "If you go away, you won't have to."
She grabbed another pillow off the floor and swung it at him. "I think I liked you better when you didn't talk," she said wryly. "But seriously --" Her expression turned thoughtful. "-- Quatre sounded frantic on the phone. He's convinced Duo's going to really hurt himself...and I have to agree with him. You know how lonely he gets...and Hilde's not there, so he has no one to talk to. All I want to know is what your take on the situation is."
"It's long. And complicated," Heero said quietly.
"Obviously it is, or else it would be solved by now," Relena continued. She smiled gently. "But lucky for you -- I have all the time in the world."
Heero had discovered a long time ago that talking was a good way to shut Relena up, especially when she was in the mood to pester him mercilessly until she got what she wanted out of him. When he talked, she listened patiently and carefully. He could practically see the gears turning in her head as she sized up the situation.
"Well," she said when he had finished. "That was quite a story."
Heero didn't answer, he just watched as she bit her lip in thought, weighing all his options.
"I think you should go talk to him," she said finally. "I can't tell you what to do, Heero, but I think talking would help."
"How?" Heero wondered aloud. "The last time I did that..."
"Hmm...last time. What exactly did he say, if you don't mind my asking?"
Heero shut his eyes, trying to focus. "He was really angry with me. He said he was trying to tell me something, but he wouldn't say it directly. He said...he said I wouldn't understand."
"And this is all directly related to the head injury incident?"
Heero shot her an annoyed look. "I know that was stupid of me to joke around like that."
Relena looked amused. "Actually, that's not what I was thinking. I was thinking about how that sounds like something Duo would do to you. Say Duo was the one who got hit and could've been killed, not you. And then he pretended he didn't recognize you. Don't you think you'd be mad at him, too?"
"Probably," Heero admitted, lost in thought. "But I don't think that's what he was so angry about. I'm not really sure what he was getting at."
"Neither am I," Relena said, "but I'm pretty sure only you can answer that question."
They stared at each other. Heero was still feeling confused, but he felt a little better about the whole thing.
"So...what are you going to do?" Relena finally asked.
"I could call him."
Relena shook her head. "He's home, but he doesn't want to pick up the phone. Quatre knows he's there."
Heero was very quiet. "I suppose I'll go talk to him, then."
"I think that would be best. It might shed some light on the situation."
"It doesn't make it any easier," Heero whispered.
Her eyes were soft, and she looked at him sadly, like she knew something he didn't. "You know, Heero...love doesn't make things easier, just worth it."
Heero actually cracked a smile. "That's exactly what I was thinking."
**********
Kismet: Whoa...what's this? Relena supporting Duo and Heero? Talk about random...
Wufei: I have never seen her so out of character. If this was the real Relena, she'd probably have him chained in her basement.
Kismet: *blinks* Woo...now there's a kinky image.
Wufei: Stop that, you hentai...
Kismet: *innocent* Stop what? You're the one who brought it up...
Wufei: *backs away* You're crazy if you think I'm going to let you lock me in your basement, onna.
Kismet: Wuffie, you are no fun.