Author's Note: Hum de dum de dum...this fic is shounen ai, so be ye warned, all who enter here. And there's some swearing, too (mostly from Duo-kun...heh heh), so I thought I'd warn ya ahead of time.
Kismet: Uh-oh...
Wufei: Now what are you on about?
Kismet: I just realized Christmas is on Monday!
Wufei: Your point being?
Kismet: There is no point. I'm too tired to make sense anymore.
Wufei: So take a nap.
Kismet: And leave you and my computer in the same room? How stupid do you think I am? Wait, don't answer that.
Wufei: Let's just get this over with, onna...
by Kismet
kismetchan@hotmail.com
**********
Heero walked in and closed the door quietly. "Duo-chan, I'm sorry. I didn't know you'd --"
"That's exactly the problem. You don't know," came Duo's voice.
He spotted Duo sitting on the couch in the next room, the couch that Heero loathed but Duo loved. His face was in his hands. "Don't know what?" Heero asked.
Duo's head snapped up, revealing his tear-streaked face. "You don't know what I've been through!"
"I would if you'd just tell me."
"That's what I'm trying to do!"
"So just do it," Heero said. "Why are you making this so goddamn complicated, then?"
"Because it is complicated --" Duo looked away. "I should have known you wouldn't understand."
"How am I supposed to understand if I don't even know what you're talking about?"
"That's just it, Heero! You don't fucking know ANYTHING!"
"What, you expect me to read your mind?!"
"No, I expect you to at least show some fucking sensitivity!"
Heero struggled not to be offended. "Oh, really?"
"Spare me your fucking indifference, Heero!"
"Duo, just tell me what you're trying to say."
"I -- I can't."
"Why the hell not?!"
"That's beside the point."
"And what is the point, exactly?"
"I don't know!"
"You're not making any sense. I don't see how --"
"How can you not see something that's right in front of you?!"
Heero froze. He couldn't answer him, and yet it was such a simple question...
Heero's eyes flew open just as his shuttle was docking on L2. He had been dreaming again, dreaming of that last day. He got up, feeling rather irritable, trying to find the will to see Duo and put all his demons to rest.
He arrived near Duo's house late that evening, but he didn't go right away. He walked the streets, just as they had on that day a year and a half ago, looking for answers in the faces of the people he passed. He didn't know exactly why he was there, a subconscious part of him told him he had to be. He had no idea what he was going to even say, or if Duo would even talk to him at all...
Heero stopped in his tracks when he came to the next street. He recognized this one from his accident more than a year ago. And it was the same, and Heero was the same, and nothing seemed to have changed on the entire colony at all.
He watched as a happy couple walked down the street, holding hands and bracing themselves against the cool, windy night. He blinked quickly, his vision blurring. He could barely remember ever being that happy. It too disappeared when he left. All the love and light he once held had slipped through his fingers.
Numbly, he sat down on the curb to think and review the events that led up to his leaving, unconsciously rubbing the spot on his head where the car had hit him. He'd once supported acting on his emotions...and right now his emotions were telling him to go see Duo and not to let his fears get in the way.
Heero got up again and started walking, staring intensely at the pavement and trying not to think too much. He wasn't sure where he was going, but his feet seemed to know the way. He trudged through a maze of streets, and when he finally looked up -- he was there, standing outside Duo's house, in the exact same spot that he had watched Duo slam the door on him.
The shades were drawn and there was not a light on in the house. Quickly, before he thought better of it and let his feet take him home, Heero ascended the porch and knocked.
No one answered. The door was locked tightly.
Damn it, Duo, I know you're in there...stop locking me out.
Heero sighed and fished around in his pockets for his key. He hoped it wouldn't have to come to this, but he was going to have to go in himself. He sighed deeply, thrust the key into the lock, and turned.
The door swung open easily into the dark foyer and Heero stepped silently in before he lost his nerve. The door closed behind him with a quiet click. He was in.
Mission accomplished...now what?
He looked around. Everything was like it always had been...the smooth, wooden floor, the white walls, the stairs spiraling up to the second floor. Without even looking, Heero knew what the other rooms on either side of the foyer looked like. On the right was a small sitting room...and on the left...
Heero took a silent step toward the left room. This was Duo's favorite room, the one with the ancient dark blue couch that Duo loved but Heero hated more than anything in the world. Duo insisted on keeping it, and Heero let him because it made him happy. And that was another thing that drove Heero crazy...that any old dumb thing like a couch could make Duo instantly happy.
Now he approached it cautiously, not allowing himself to think, not even allowing himself to breathe lest he give himself away. He crossed the threshold and waited for his eyes to adjust to the darkness.
Heero froze in place as his gaze locked onto the couch. Duo was stretched out on the couch on his back, fast asleep. He wore a pair of gray sweatpants, a white shirt, and socks, and his chest rose and fell rhythmically with his steady breathing. His face was turned away from Heero. His hair was longer than Heero remembered; the thick chestnut braid hung off the edge of the couch and onto the carpet.
Heero closed his eyes and sank down into a nearby chair. What am I even doing here? he asked himself. He had no idea what he was supposed to say...what had he been thinking when he came here? Did he think if he just showed up, everything would be all right?
His thoughts were rudely shattered by the loud, incessant ringing of Duo's phone. Heero jumped a mile and retreated back to the shadows of the front foyer, swearing under his breath as Duo stirred slightly on the couch but didn't wake up. The phone continued to ring.
Heero only hesitated a moment before he slipped quietly through the house to the kitchen. He walked over to the desk and grabbed the phone to shut the stupid thing up.
"What do you want?" he said, his voice quietly harsh.
"Goddamn it, Duo Maxwell, you'd better have a FUCKING good reason for not picking up the phone!" a female voice that could only be Hilde's fumed on the line. "You scared me nearly to death yesterday, and then every time I call afterwards you don't even have the decency to pick up so I know you're not lying dead somewhere?! Don't you have anything to say for yourself?!"
Heero felt the strangest urge to laugh. This whole situation was ludicrous. "Yes, I do," he finally said. "Goodbye." And then he took a page from Quatre's book and hung up, unplugging the phone as he did so.
Satisfied, Heero turned around to check on Duo, only to find him leaning against the counter behind him, peeling an orange. He looked up and his eyes met Heero's -- only they were tired and lifeless as his own.
"You're the last person I'd have expected to find lurking around my house at two in the morning," he stated, his voice cold. "You want to get it over with and tell me exactly why you're here?"
Heero felt like he was paralyzed. He couldn't move, couldn't speak -- all he could do was follow each of Duo's movements with his dark gaze.
Duo blinked. "Don't tell me you have nothing to say to me."
Heero found his voice. "I -- I don't."
"What do you want, then?"
"I'm not really sure," Heero admitted.
Duo popped an orange slice in his mouth. "The others sent you, didn't they?"
"They were worried."
"If the others are worried, then why are you here?"
"I -- I don't know." Heero's hands had begun to shake. He stuffed them quickly into his pockets. Duo's reserved manner was making him extremely nervous, and right now he was spending most of his energy trying to keep his emotions in check.
Duo's icy gaze seemed capable of reading his thoughts. "If you're here to talk -- then talk. I'm listening."
The dam broke, and Heero narrowed his eyes. "What is it you want me to say, Duo? I never understood why we broke up in the first place! What is it you want from me?"
"Is that all you want to know?"
"Yes."
Duo's eyes glittered as he stared at Heero. "Fine, then. I'll tell you what it is I want. But first I want you to tell me something."
Heero mentally banged his head against the wall. "All right."
Duo paused and suddenly became very interested in his orange. "All I want to know is -- did you love me?"
Heero was shocked. "What?"
"You heard me. Did you love me at all -- or was that whole period of my life just a waste of time?"
Heero stared off into space to avoid his eyes, pondering his answer. "I don't know," he whispered.
Duo let out a long-suffering sigh. "You don't know anything."
"If I did love you I wouldn't have known it," Heero corrected him.
"But the point is you didn't," Duo muttered. "And that's fine. I just wanted to be sure."
Heero stared at him. "Did...you love me?"
Duo wouldn't look at him. "Yes. Yes, I did. In fact, I still do. Not like that means anything," he added, turning and throwing the rest of the orange in the sink. He pushed a lock of dark hair out of his eyes and padded down the hallway.
"But what about all those things you said?" Heero questioned, following him.
"What, the bullshit about not loving you?" Duo said, over his shoulder. His voice was bitter. "Hah. That was a load of garbage. I wasn't thinking straight that day. I nearly got you killed. And it scared me -- more than I wanted to admit. You could have died because of me, and then you brushed it off like it meant nothing."
"I'm sorry I did," Heero murmured. "I didn't know how much it meant to you."
"Exactly," Duo said softly as he shuffled back towards his couch and collapsed on top of it. "I felt like such an idiot after that. I expected you to know what I meant. It's just that -- I wanted you to know how much you meant to me. If you had died I would've completely missed any chance of you ever knowing. And it really pissed me off, how I couldn't even find the courage to tell you." He was quiet for a moment. "I was really fucked up that day. I don't know how else to explain it."
Heero hesitantly came over and sat on the other end of the couch, careful not to disturb the space between them. "I never should have acted like I didn't recognize you," he said quietly. "That was one of the dumbest things I've ever done. I thought you would laugh. I like making you laugh."
A wan smile crossed Duo's face. "In any other situation, I would have...but I was upset, and I said some really stupid things that didn't make any sense," he confessed. "When I told you to leave...I didn't think you'd actually do it. But you did."
"You didn't come after me."
"I didn't know you wanted me to," Duo answered quietly. "And I didn't know where you were, anyway. One thing led to another, and...a year had gone by before I knew it."
A heavy silence fell over the room. Heero didn't know what else he could say, but already he felt the weight of his guilt being taken off his shoulders.
"So...where do we go from here?" Heero finally said, breaking the silence.
"I don't know," Duo said with a sigh. "I guess it all depends. But...I'm glad you came."
It took Heero a moment to realize that he was glad too. "Duo?"
"Yeah?" He was looking out the window, away from Heero.
Heero drew in a shaky breath. "When I said I didn't know if I loved you --"
"Hey, you don't have to say it," Duo interrupted. "I just wanted to know for sure. I wanted to know if I was wasting my time. And now I do." He sighed again. "Now I guess I can get on with my life, ne?"
"Actually --" Heero began. "I would prefer if you didn't."
Duo stared at him. "Why?"
"Because -- because I think I love you, too."
Duo was quiet for a very long time. "Don't fuck with me, Heero," he finally said. "Are you serious?"
"Yes."
"Well, shit," Duo said, looking him right in the eye. "This is fucking unbelievable."
Heero gazed back. "I'm sorry I didn't know sooner."
Duo jumped off the couch and threw up his hands. "I could care less about that," he exclaimed. "But...are you sure?"
Heero just nodded. He was definitely sure.
Duo smiled and rubbed at his eye. "Damn tear ducts," he said. "I hate getting all mushy."
"Duo-chan...I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For basically putting you through a living hell."
Duo grinned, that old Maxwell grin that Heero found he had missed so, so much. He was by Heero's side in a second. "I think I can think of a way for you to make it up to me."
"Oh, really?" Heero said, unable to hide his smile.
"Yep," Duo whispered, kissing him.
Heero gathered him up in his arms and held him close, content to just feel Duo's warmth close by, content to smell the scent of his hair that was uniquely Duo's.
"Hey, Hee-chan?" Duo said after a moment.
"Yes?"
"Promise you won't ever leave me like that again, okay?"
Heero smiled. "Next time I leave...you're coming with me."
As Duo snuggled against his chest, Heero recalled Relena's words...
"You know, Heero...love doesn't make things easier, just worth it."
She was right. This perfect kind of love was worth it.
**********
Kismet: Aw, man...that's probably one of the sappiest fics I've ever written.
Wufei: That was downright weird, onna...even for you.
Kismet: Okay, okay, I get it. But in a strange way, I actually like this. I suck at writing citrus, though, so that's why there really isn't any.
Wufei: Good thing, too.
Kismet: I hope this fic affected your warm-fuzzy-feeling reflex, minna-san.
Wufei: Don't you mean gag reflex?
Kismet: That's enough, Wuffie...now stop before I go find myself some mistletoe. *evil grin*
Wufei: No! Anything but that!
Kismet: Fine, I'll be nice. Anyway, that about does it for my latest wacky fic! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it, and happy holidays! *big hug* Oh, and I forgot to mention...please feel free to leave a message after the beep! *wink wink*
*beeeeeeeeeeeeep*...