My Friend Zell
by Aaron D.
The soft glow of the television screen shined blue and white all through the darkness of the room. The electric light reflected off of the beige-cushioned couch which was occupied by two young figures huddled closely together.
"I know that this probably isn't the right time to say this," Jackson said, "but I don't know if the time will ever be right..." His wavy brown hair drooped over his face.
Danny's eyes watered. She was clearly overcome by the emotions rampaging through her young soul. "Oh, Jackson..."
"What I'm trying to say, Danny, is that..."
"Yes!" the pig-tailed girl shouted at the screen. "Say it, Jackson!"
"...I...love you."
The music swelled as Danny was enveloped by Jackson's heartfelt embrace. As their lips met, he spun her around and around, reveling in his newfound joy. The camera faded to black.
"...TRY NEW SUPER-CRUNCHY GALBADI-Os! NOW WITH EVEN MORE FIBER!"
"Wow," said Zell in feigned amazement. "That's pretty powerful stuff."
"Oh my," said the pig-tailed girl, sniffling. "they were just made for each other. It's so obvious. Why did it take them three seasons to figure it out?"
"I don't know," Zell replied. You've got it now, Zell, buddy! Show her that you're all sensitivo! "I guess sometimes you just can't see that the person right next to you is the one you were made for, I guess." Ouch! That was beeee-yootiful! Zell put his arm around her shoulders. Realizing that the moment would never be more appropriate, Zell made his move.
"Susie, would you be my date for the Garden Festival dance?"
She put her head against the young SeeD's shoulder. "I'd love to, Zell."
YES! You're the man, baby! "Thanks!" he exclaimed. "I know it's gonna be just awesome. I couldn't imagine going without you by my side." Oh! That was a good one, man!
"That's so sweet," cooed the pig-tailed girl. Rising to her feet, she stretched her body, an action at which Zell could not help but stare at. Then, realizing his possible error, he shifted his gaze to the screen and stood up himself.
"I've got to go study for my exam tomorrow," she said.
"All right," Zell answered. "Now that I'm a SeeD, I don't have to do that all that much. Thanks to Squall's help, I'm a level-23. I really don't need to take any more tests for a while."
"Well, then, see you tomorrow." She turned away from him.
"I'll be counting the moments until I see you again." Wow! That one was really good! She won't be able to resist my charm any more, baby!
"Oh, Zell," she exclaimed, giving him a hug. "You're the best friend I ever had!"
Zell froze. Friend! The word echoed throughout his consciousness as she left the room, looking back at him once. Friend... Friend...friend...friend...friendfriendfriendfriendfriendfriendfriend...
"No!" Zell screamed. He sat upright in his bed. It had been a nightmare, both literally and figuratively. He smoothed out his blond hair, leaning back against the headboard. The scene replayed over and over again in his mind.
Oh, Zell, you're the best friend I ever had.
Why did she-?
Why didn't she-?
How could he-?
What was-?
Friend!
"D'oooooh!" Zell, frustrated as he was, couldn't think of a solution to his dilemma. But who could he ask for help? He thought of his friends-oooh, there was that word again! Maybe Squall. Yeah, the ladies all had a thing for him, didn't they? He would be perfect. Resolved to seek Squall's advice in the morning, Zell laid back down and attempted to sleep.
"What do you want, Zell?" Squall said irritably. "I haven't got loads of free time, you know."
"Really? What do you have to do?"
Squall narrowed his eyes. "That isn't important. Just say what you have to say and leave!"
Zell shuffled around nervously. "Okay, okay! Geez, man. Anyway, there's this girl, see, and she thinks I'm her FRIEND, and I don't-"
"What's the problem? Haven't you all been telling me all along that it's good to have friends? 'Oh, Squall,'" he said, mimicking Quistis' low, disapproving tone, "'You should really open yourself up to your friends...Everyone should have friends...blah, blah, blah-and another thing, mister-'"
"SQUALL! That's not the problem!"
Squall leaned down in his chair, placing his head in his hands. Zell waited a few minutes, knowing that his fellow SeeD was having some sort of inner monologue-he did this all the time.
"Okay," Squall began, "let's try again. You say this girl considers you her friend, right?"
"Yeah!"
"There's obviously something wrong here, and I'm just not getting it. What is it?" Squall's face looked strained.
"That's the problem! I don't want to be her friend!" Zell pounded his fist on his companion's desk.
"Why not?" asked Squall. "Is she unpersonable? Is she ugly? Or some sort of loser, or something? I'm not very good at judging people's personalities, Zell, so I don't really know why you came to me with this-"
"Look," Zell interrupted, his own patience starting to thin, "you seem to make a...good impression on ladies, if you know what I mean, and I thought you could tell me what I should be doing differently."
"What are you talking about?" Squall began to think to himself again.
"Yo, Squall! Wake up, man!"
"If you intended to completely confuse me, Zell, then you succeeded. I'm afraid I haven't got the slightest clue why you came here."
Zell growled. "Okay, look, if Rinoa came up to you and she told you that she thought you were her friend, what would you think?"
Squall thought for a minute. "I'd feel...good? Is this some sort of test?"
"No, dammit!" Zell punched the desk again. "All right. Let's start simple. How do you feel about Rinoa? Am I correct in thinkin' that you have what we might call 'romantic inclinations' toward her?"
"...Whatever."
"What if she said to you that she wasn't interested in you in the same way you were in her? That she didn't have those same 'inclinations' we were talking about?"
Squall ran things over in his mind for a while. "You mean...she doesn't? She was just...using me? God, the things I've been thinking-I mean, the last few months, I thought she and I were-I've never really had much experience with this sort of thing, but by the end, there, I thought she and I had really found something."
"NO! That's not what I mean!"
Squall slumped in his chair, waving Zell away. "Leave me alone."
"Squall, Rinoa doesn't really feel like that, I was just using it as an example, you know, hypothetically."
"Get out of here."
"...and then she told me I was the best friend she'd ever had!"
"Wow, that's rough, man."
Okay, so his talk with Squall hadn't come out so well. Still confused, Zell had come to the one man whom he had seen successfully court women time and again: Irvine Kinneas. The sharpshooter's charm had been the talk of Balamb Garden when he'd first shown up, and despite his obvious attraction to Selphie, his attentions consistently wandered. Not surprisingly, as they were clearly encouraged by the other young women he had encountered.
"So, what should I do, Irvine?"
"Well, good buddy, I know all about charmin' the ladies, but I've never been to the 'just friends' stage before. I mean, I'm usually the one that does the cutting of the strings in a relationship." Irvine picked up his acoustic guitar and started playing around with it.
"One thing I do know, though," he said, "is that it's impossible for a man and a woman to be friends in the usual sense of the word."
Zell scratched the back of his head. "What do you mean?"
"Well, I don't think the women have too much problem with it-if they don't want you, they don't want you. You're a nice guy, unthreatening, she likes you-but there's nothing there. For you, it's different. If you want a girl, it doesn't just go away. That's why a guy can never be 'friends' with a girl. And there's not much you can do to change the way she feels, either."
"Huh?"
Irvine played a major chord. "That's the key. You're a nice guy, Zell."
Zell sat down on the floor, confused. "Thanks, but what does that have to do with it?"
"You're like this chord: pure, simple, and totally bland. Women don't want a guy like that." Irvine moved his fingers around, and played a totally different chord, the dissonance of it echoing through the room. "They want one like this: dark, complicated, and unresolved."
"Why?"
"Well, I'm just speculating. I'm not now, nor have I ever been, a woman." Irvine's lips curled up in a smirk. "But, from what I've noticed, the worse you treat a girl, the more interested in you she is."
Zell shook his head. "That can't be right."
"You wouldn't think so, would you? Society indicates to us that men should be respectful of women, cater to their needs, etc., but that's not the way things really tend to work. When I talk about treating her 'badly,' I don't mean slapping her, or telling her she's stupid, or anything like that-those come later.
"And I don't mean ignoring her completely, either. You can certainly show your interest, preferably by ogling her, catcalling, touching her places where you probably shouldn't, you know. You see, Zell, women have wants and needs, and the key to keeping them interested is to not pay attention to them whatsoever."
Looking at his friend quizzically, Zell asked, "You mean I should ignore her needs?"
"No, I mean you shouldn't even care about whether they exist at all." Irvine put his guitar down, balacing his head and arms on top of the neck. "Here's an example: when you go through a door, do you hold it open for her?"
"Yeah."
Irvine laughed. "That's ten points off right there. You should always go through first, then let it slam right in her face. That gets her to pay attention to you."
"I don't get it."
Irvine sighed, leaning down forward and tilting his guitar at an awkward angle. "Let's try something. Tell me everything you and she do together."
"Well, we talk about things, you know, how her classes are going, what she likes to do, you know, and we watch TV together-"
"What shows?"
"Jackson's Boat, West Enders-"
"What else?"
Zell scratched his chin thoughtfully. "We go places, the Fire Cavern, to watch the lava, to Balamb, to get dinner together, see movies-"
"You pay?"
"Yeah. That's about it."
Irvine, chuckling evilly, leaned back in his chair. "Damn, you're a moron! No wonder you can't get anywhere!"
Starting angrily, Zell got up and headed for the door.
"No, wait. Zell, come back. Listen," Irvine pleaded, "I know what you're doing wrong."
"This better be good."
Laying his guitar on his bunk, Irvine began, "The problem is that you're taking too much interest in her. You don't stress your own individuality. Look, have you ever wondered what Squall did to attract Rinoa?"
"Sure, what?"
"Nothing. He didn't even notice her, except as a client. When we rescued her from Edea's monsters, she grabbed him, buried her face in his shoulder, told him how frightened she was, and he wouldn't even hold her hand! Think about that, and think about how many other women are attracted to Squall when he doesn't even see it.
"This, Zell, is the very point of our detailed discussion. Women, no matter what they may say, want a challenge. You, my friend, are most certainly not that. If you pay this much attention to her now, what's the point? That's what she thinks, anyway. Have you ever admired your would-be girlfriend's body?"
Zell smiled as he thought of it. "Well, yeah. I tell her all the time how great she looks."
"Okay, compliments are great, but does she ever see you look?"
"No, I always make sure she doesn't. Women don't like it when you-"
"Yes they do. They pretend they don't, but nothing turns a girl on more than when you take a long, lingering glance, and I don't mean at her face." The sharpshooter laid his feet on the desk. "Look, buddy, on TV, everything seems so perfect, and its all about sharing your feelings, caring about the other person, but that's nonsense. In real life things are different."
Irvine reached under his bed. "To illustrate, I've taken the liberty of drawing a line graph which documents the amount of action each of us has been getting in the last few months."
Zell looked at the white square, which had five lines of different colors, labeled, in descending order, as Irvine, Seifer, Squall, Cid, and finally, Zell. Zell noticed that his line was flat, not moving at all through the entire period.
"Hey, when did you make this? It couldn't be in response to my coming here! Are you just trying to prove that you get more than the rest of us?!"
His face flushing, Irvine said, "...Let's not worry about that right now. Anyways, notice that I have indeed, (ahem) been scoring a lot more than the rest of you. In fact, only Seifer has even come close. If what I'm saying doesn't make any sense, then why is it that the ladies keep coming back for more?"
"But if that's the way it works, then why do relationships work out at all?"
Irvine raised his eyebrow. "Who says they do? Women are generally, but not always, attracted to men, who, according to society, are 'wrong' for them. I'd say that's pretty accurate. After all, half of all marriages end in divorce, and I'd wager that no less than a third of those that don't are still what we'd call unhappy. Now, it's not fair to say that it's always the man who's guilty; usually both people are at fault, somehow or other. However, the subconscious attractions people have for one another generally override their logical judgement in seeking a mate."
"Does that mean that Squall and Rinoa will-"
"Possibly but not necessarily. Squall is a special case. He's not really mean, he's just scared. He's terrified that she'll leave him, and he doesn't know how he can handle that. He won't hit her or anything."
"So does that mean if I act more like Squall, this girl'll become attracted to me?" Zell asked.
"Well," Irvine responded, "I'd prefer it if you decided to act more like me, but you could do worse. Just remember, no matter how you act, it's gotta be an act. You know that you're not really dark, brooding, or mysterious, but she doesn't. Then, if things work out, you can start to be more like yourself again."
"What should I do first?"
Irvine considered this for a moment. "How about this? The next time she wants to do something with you, act like you don't really wanna do it. Or better yet, refuse. Just keep acting like your indifferent to anything she brings up."
"Will that do it?"
"Maybe, but if that doesn't work, just charm her with a song. I've found this one to work well." He picked up the guitar, began to strum and sang:
I'm gonna love you forever
forever and ever, Amen
as long as old men
sit and talk about the weather
as long as old women
sit and talk about old men
If you wonder how long I'll be faithful
Then listen to how the song ends
'Cause I'm gonna love you
forever and ever
forever and ever
forever and ever
forever and ever, Amen.
"Okay..." Zell, trying to remember the words of the song, along with other things, left Irvine's room.
"Hey pardner!" Irvine called after him. "Let's keep this chart thing to ourselves, okay?"
"Hey, Zell!" said the pig-tailed girl.
Trying to ignore her, Zell kept walking towards the cafeteria.
"Zell!"
He turned around and looked at her, not saying a word.
"I...thought we could go to Balamb today."
"Sure!" Zell said enthusiastically. "Wait, I mean...whatever."
"Great!"
Okay, Zell buddy, you're on your way, just keep it up.
"Oh," said Zell offhandedly. "I heard this really cool song a while back. Wanna hear it?"
"All right," said the pig-tailed girl.
With that, Zell took a deep breath and began to sing:
I'm gonna love you forever
forever and ever, Amen
as long as old men
drink and talk about...eeerrr, something
as long as women, uh, I mean old women
sit and talk around old men
If you wonder how long I'm gonna love youuuu
Then listen to how I, uh, sing this
'Cause I'm gonna love you
forever and ever
forever and ever
forever and ever
forever and ever
forever and ever
forever and ever
forever and ever, Amen.
"Hey!" shouted one of the underclassmen, passing by. "Zell thinks he's Randy Travis!"
The hallway was then filled with the laughter of the Garden's students, staff, and administrators. Zell, blushing furiously, ran towards the front gate, not even thinking how this would actually be incorporated into his new, Squall-like personality.
"What do you think, Zell? Doesn't this brooch just look wonderful?"
"Ehh," he commented. Zell was trying to keep up his disinterested pose, and, to his delight, he found it fit well. He actually wasn't that interested in jewelry, flowers, or clothes, and, to be honest, most of the things the pig-tailed girl enjoyed. Pacing restlessly, he decided he wanted to move on.
"Ready to go?" he asked, slapping her on her posterior.
"Oof!" She whirled around from the counter. "What are you doing?"
Assuming his "bland" face, Zell simply said, "I'm asking you if you're ready to leave yet."
"Well, I guess..."
Without a word, Zell moved on, out of the shop. As he reached the street, she called after him.
"Hey Zell, you want to go to a movie? They're having that Laguna Loire film festival and he's SOOO hot! Let's go!"
Zell stood silently for a moment. "No. I don't think so. I'm gonna go visit Ma."
The pig-tailed girl looked at him with wide eyes. "C'mon, it'll be fun!"
"You go on. I don't enjoy you talking about other guys you think are 'hot.'"
Zell walked off in the direction of his house. He could hear the girl's footsteps as she ran up behind him, and then his arm was caught in a viselike grip.
"Wait! I'll go with you."
Snatching his hand away, he regarded her with a pitying look. Then, throwing his arms up in feigned disgust, he shook his head, as he had seen Squall do so many times before, and commented, "...whatever."
The pig-tailed girl followed him down the streets of Balamb. Zell wisely kept silent, totally ignoring her comments and questions. Awww yeeah! She's gonna be all over me any time now! As they reached his home, Zell opened the door without knocking, entered, and slammed it shut before the pig-tailed girl could reach the entrance.
"Ma, I'm home!" he shouted as the girl opened the door and came in.
Ma Dincht, clad in her ever-present apron, appeared delighted to see her son. "Hello, Zell. Oh! Brought a girlfriend home with you, I see."
"Oh, no, Mrs. Dincht," protested the pig-tailed girl. "Zell and I are just f-"
"RRAAAAAAAAGGHHH!" snarled Zell. "DON'T SAY THAT!" Without thought, he stormed out of his house, leaving the girl and his mother behind, curious expressions on their faces.
She's evil! was the only thing in Zell's mind as he pounded through the streets. Not caring where he went, or what happened to him, he raced mindlessly past the businesses and alleyways of the town. When he finally came to his senses, he realized he was somewhere near the port.
Sinking down against a brick building, Zell rested his forehead on top of his fists. "Dammit," he muttered. "Why can't I...dammit." The sea breeze blew through his hair, cooled his anger.
"GREETINGS!"
Zell looked up into the one eye of the new arrival. "Fujin! Hi, I was just, uh, I was, uh, damn..."
"OKAY?" she inquired, her own white hair fluttering in the wind.
"Yeah," he said, leaping to his feet, determined not to show weakness to his onetime foe.
"EXPLAIN," Fujin commanded.
"Explain what?" he stammered. "I was just, uh, that is, I needed to cool off a bit, you know, blow off some steam? That sort of thing."
"ACCEPTABLE." She turned, and began to walk off.
"Wait," Zell said, not eager to be alone again for some reason. "You want to stay, and er, talk for a bit?"
"REASON?"
"No particular reason, I guess, I just, you know, wanted to see how you were doing and all, I suppose."
"COMPLIANCE," she explained. "THOUGHTS?"
"I, well, say, do you like shopping for jewelry, or flowers, in particular?"
"...WHATEVER." Fujin looked on him in disgust.
Zell smiled. "What about Jackson's Boat? Do you ever watch that?"
Fujin's eye narrowed. "ABOMINATION!" she uttered.
"What do you say we go and get a cup of coffee or something?"
She gave him a tight-lipped smile. "CERTAINLY."
You're on the right track now, Zell, buddy! "Tell me something, Fujin," Zell said, looking directly at her breasts, "You're not my friend, are you?"
"NEGATIVE."
Zell let his gaze slide downward somewhat, the returned it to her face, which, to his amazement, bore an expression of piqued curiosity rather than annoyance. "And do you plan on ever being my friend, Fujin?"
She grinned sardonically. "NEGATIVE."
"That's just what I wanted to hear."
FIN
POSTSCRIPT: Certain events which transpired in Zell's life do in no way reflect events in the life of the author.