TITLE: Once more, never again (2/3)
AUTHOR: Cheddar (cheddar1013@yahoo.com)
CATEGORY: V, Mulderangst, MSR, songfic
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: Requiem
SUMMARY: Mulder can't forget her- sequel to Blind
ARCHIVING: Anytime, anywhere
FEEDBACK: Please, please. I always need suggestions and critics on my writing.
DISCLAIMER: All I want for Christmas is my two favorite agents… sing with me! Oh well. I tried. Meanwhile, Mulder and Scully belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions and FOX
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Someone told me I needed a sequel for my first fic, Blind. I didn't really think so at the time but the more I think about it the more I agree with them. So here it is. Tell me if I succeeded or should have let sleeping dogs lie! :)
He never did completely forget her. To be honest, he never forgot her at all. He could never admit it to anyone, but she arrived silently in his thoughts and dreams every day- and he could not forget her.
He didn't want to forget her. He didn't want to forget how she would raise her eyebrow sardonically when he joked with her. Or how she would lift her chin with a smile when he made a fool of himself. He didn't want to forget her mushroom-shaped hair or her soft skin. It was those thoughts that kept him alive when he thought it was all over. All those times Death breathed his hot, smoky breath down his neck, casting a fire to rise beneath him. She kept him going, whether she knew it or not.
She didn't know it. He never told her. But then again, she never told him either.
He wished he had. God, if he could have one wish he would beg her forgiveness for everything he had done for her- for all he had taken away and all he had destroyed. The list of times he broke her heart went on and on and physically it hurt him to think of it. If he had one wish it would be to tell her he was sorry- and to tell her she was his world.
Oddly enough, the one thing he knew she wanted most, that he took away from her, was given back. He did not give it back, but it was given back to her. And her name was Alex.
Their little girl was the most beautiful creature he had ever laid eyes on. She had inherited her mother's face, her mother's hair, her mother's height. But, according to her, she had inherited her father's stubbornness and perseverance. And when she told him that a long time ago- and it *was* a very long time ago- she did not seem annoyed, or disappointed, or troubled. She said it with a silent smile, and he liked that. That was his smile.
Once, it was his smile. Once, she belonged to him, and he belonged to her. That's how it is supposed to be.
***********
He wrote her once. About a year and a half ago. She had written back several weeks later. It was nice to hold in his hand something she had held in hers, but it wasn't the same. Their letters were polite and superficial, and that's not how it used to be. That's not how it is supposed to be, he thought sadly. This isn't how it was supposed to turn out.
When they brought him back, he woke up to find his boss at his side, saying it was over now and everything was all right. But that wasn't what he wanted to hear. He immediately asked of her, and his reply was, "You have a daughter".
More than two years had passed while he was gone. Too much had happened. She had moved on and did not want to look back. She needed to move forward with her life, and he and their work had held her back. He remembered painfully one of their last conversations before he was taken. He told her it wasn't worth it, that this wasn't where she was supposed to be.
Although he knew things were better this way, it was a living hell without her.
But he could not tell her that. This was what was best for her, and lamenting for her was just in vain.
**************
It was a cold winter's night. Late December… wait. Tonight was Christmas Eve. He had completely forgotten. That isn't surprising, since he had no one to remind him. His work in Boston was lonesome work- and he did not have a partner or boss who watched out for him. He still lived alone and never dated. It was an okay lifestyle- one he was used to and had experienced before in his life. Before she came.
Christmas Eve. No one should be alone on Christmas Eve, he said, smiling. A feeling of warmth and hope tickled his heart as he got an idea. He would call his daughter. He had spoken to her briefly on the phone a long time ago but he wanted to have a conversation now and to wish her a merry Christmas. She was old enough now- nine. Almost ten. He needed to talk with her.
He knew their number by heart, thought he never called it, and shook as he dialed the numbers. A young voice answered the phone.
"Hello?"
"Alex? Is this Alex?"
"Yes sir, who is this?"
"This is…this is Dad…"
The conversation was soft and tentative, as both father and daughter carefully dipped their toes into the warm water. He was not used to being a father, and he did not know how to act. But the seconds rolled into minutes, and the minutes to an hour and they soon were having a delightful exchange- until she found out.
He heard her breath let out when Alex told her who she was talking with. She did not seem angry, but a bit afraid. He heard her tell their daughter to wrap it up, and then hand the phone over to her. She did as she was told. He promised to start calling more often. She replied, "I love you, Daddy."
Her mother picked up the receiver and for a moment neither knew what to say. He opened his mouth and tears welled up in his eyes. He didn't even say hello to her, for he knew they needed no greeting. They already knew each other.
"Scully-" his voice broke. "I miss you."
At this he heard her begin to cry softly. "I know."
"Scully," he whispered, more scared than he had ever been in his life. "I'm lonely…"
She bit her lip, trying not to lose it completely. She managed to whisper back in a voice he knew only he could hear. "When I left you… I didn't see how much I needed you… how I can't live without you…"
She spoke the Truth to him, and for once the Truth sounded beautiful.
"When I had you once more," he answered softly, in an equally hushed tone. "I didn't see how I never wanted to let you go."
And with that, unspoken words were exchanged, and he knew that it was still Christmas Eve, but he was no longer alone. And although they used to be blind, it was never again.
You'll accompany me
(By Bob Seiger)
A gypsy wind is blowing warm tonight
The sky is starlet and the time is right
And still you're telling me you have to go
Before you leave there's something you should know
Yeah, there's something you should know baby
I've seen you smiling in the summer sun
I've seen your long hair flying when you run
I've made my mind up that it's meant to be
Someday lady, you'll accompany me
Someday lady you'll accompany me
Out where the rivers meet the sounding sea
You're high above me now, you're wild and free
Oh but someday lady you'll accompany me
Someday lady you'll accompany me
Some people say that love's a losing game
You start with fire but you lost the flame
The ashes smolder but the warmth's soon gone
You end up cold and lonely on your own
I'll take my chances babe, I'll risk it all
I'll win your love, or I'll take the fall
I've made my mind up girl, it's meant to be
Someday lady you'll accompany me
Someday lady you'll accompany me
It's written down somewhere, it's got to be
You're high above me now, you're wild and free
Oh but someday lady you'll accompany me
Someday lady you'll accompany me
Someday lady you'll accompany me
Out where the rivers meet the sounding sea
I feel it in my soul, it's mean to be
Oh, someday lady you'll accompany me
Someday lady you'll accompany me
You will accompany me…
NOTE: The end! Hoped you liked it. I couldn't bear to leave them apart! The shipper in me has taken over :). If you noticed, I made this part 3 of 3. I have begun a challenging prequel to Blind. Grr why do I have to make things difficult by writing the ending to stories before the beginning…?