Of course, any characters and places you recognize are not
mine. They were conceived by the brilliant Gene Roddenberry, and copyright by Paramount.
Here we go again! This is the second story in a series. You don't have to read the first story, but it sure helps! Believe me! There are spoilers for the first story in here, BTW, so be forewarned. Well, enjoy the story. Oh, and if you have any comments, critiques, flames, etc., you can mail them to me when I finally get an address. :) Have fun!!!
Dedication: This story is dedicated to Kira, without whom the Eysu Moraht would never have existed, not to mention to my prereaders, without whom this story would not have existed. Thanks for the death threats on the previous one. You've given me a goal to reach.
Also, this story is written in loving memory of Eloise and Jimmy Hill, and of Anne King.
The Things Which I Have Seen
by Yuuki Miyaka
Chapter Six
"Katassa, it's so strange to know that Jake is my husband. I mean, I knew it was coming for a while, but at the same time, I never imagined it would be any different between us than it had always been. It's a wonderful feeling to come home every evening to our quarters. But there are times when I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. It always seems like I'm keeping Jake away from the rest of you." Arys sat on the couch, looking at her friend and wondering if Katassa had ever felt the same way about Ari. Certainly, Katassa looked thoughtful, as though just such thoughts went through her head. But Arys wanted to know for certain.
"I know exactly what you mean, Arys. I used to feel the same way about Ari." Katassa smiled.
"How did you deal with it? Every time I think about it, I just can't figure out what to do." Katassa's smile grew. "It took me a while to get up the courage, but eventually I talked it out with Ari. He said he felt the same way. I suppose great minds do think alike."
Arys laughed outright at that, then sobered up. "There's something else, Katassa. I, well, Jake and I had one of your colleagues look at us. It's been a year and still nothing has happened." As Arys spoke, she saw Katassa go still. Everyone had wondered about this, Arys supposed. "We . . . can't. Dr. Julmo said that it wasn't possible for the two of us to have children." Arys broke down, tears running down her face. "I never really thought it was important before. I mean, what was the use of kids if I couldn't take care of them. But I always figured I'd have one. *Damn* it!"
The Bajoran security officer went to stare out the window, a look of sheer grief on her face. Her eyes were shadowed, but Katassa didn't have to see them to know what was in them. Or rather, what wasn't. Arys' eyes would be empty, Katassa knew that. The two had been friends for longer than Katassa could remember, and the two had often talked about children, especially after Katassa's first pregnancy.
"Arys, if it helps any, I'm sure you're not alone. There are plenty of couples who can't have children." Katassa knew immediately that those were the wrong words to say. She sighed, then started again. "Arys, think it over. I'll do the same. We can find a way around this problem. After all, weren't we the ones to create a working cloak? If we can do that, then we can do anything."
Arys nodded, but said nothing more. And Katassa knew that it would be hard to figure out something to do, even with everyone else's help. It was good they were all so close.
Dax sat in the Replimat, Nerys noticed. The Bajoran colonel swallowed, unsure of exactly what to say to the other officer. It had been so long since they had truly talked, mostly due to Dax's death. Nerys had discovered early on that unlike her husband Benjamin, she herself couldn't adapt to Lenzar. So she avoided him as much as possible, which was pretty easy since he seemed to be doing the same thing.
"Hello, Dax." Two little words that almost stuck in her throat. It was hard to get around them, Nerys decided, but she could do it.
"Hello, Nerys. Have a seat." Dax motioned to a chair, then regarded Nerys thoughtfully. Finally, the science officer spoke.
"Nerys, what exactly happened between you and Odo before we left? He's back to being his old self." Nerys looked away, fully understanding what Dax meant. She knew that for a while Dax and Odo had formed an unlikely friendship based on the zhian'tara that Odo had helped in, and she would wager that Dax knew exactly how Odo felt about. But that didn't make things any easier to say.
"I'm not sure you would really understand." When Dax just raised an eyebrow, Nerys sighed and continued. "It started years ago for me. About three or four months before the war came to New Bajor, I mean to Deep Space Nine, Odo and I had a nice long talk. That was the Odo from my universe, of course.
"Somewhere in there he admitted his true feelings for me. I still don't know exactly how it happened. But what was truly amazing to me was the fact that I shared the same feelings. For ages I'd thought of him just as a friend, no more. Then suddenly, everything changed." Nerys felt her face flame. "I remember talking to your counterpart about it. You were going through something similar with Bashir at the time, as I remember."
Dax grinned slightly. She knew the history, but she still couldn't imagine herself with anyone from this station.
"Anyway, we became an item, and stayed that way for a long time. We were planning our marriage when the war started looking like it was going to migrate to the station. I hated the idea. Deep Space Nine had become a haven for those weary with the war, and for those who wanted to stay away from it. And then suddenly, everything was taken away from me. Odo was trying to keep Winn from boarding the station when one of her lackeys blasted him with a phaser. It was set to kill, and that's exactly what it did."
Dax's mouth became a small "o". Her eyes filled with tears, but she didn't shed them, instead waiting to see what else Nerys would say. She didn't have to wait long.
"I lived with that memory for years, until I finally married Ben. I still don't know entirely why I did that. I suppose it had something to do with the fact that we were both weary of the war. And then the war ended, and our marriage did too. It wasn't meant to work out, I know that now.
"I spent ages beating myself up, but eventually I came to the conclusion that I couldn't do that to myself, that I had to believe in myself again if it killed me. And it nearly did, but I managed it. And then you and Odo showed up, and it was my worst nightmare come true."
Dax looked puzzled. "Why was it your worst nightmare, Nerys? You got to see . . . ." She trailed off, suddenly realising.
"Yes, I got to see the man I loved again. But at the same time, he wasn't mine. I didn't have anything to do with his life, and he didn't have anything to do with mine. I couldn't believe how cruel the Prophets were being."
Nerys trailed off for a moment, thinking about their visit. "We . . . spent the night together. And yes, that means exactly what you're thinking. I didn't realise that he would think it was a mistake. He left after telling me just that." Nerys' eyes were distant and cold, as was her soul. She couldn't believe that she was telling anyone this, even Jadzia Dax, her best friend.
"Well, to make a long story short, the two of you left just after that, and I didn't see him until I came through that damned wormhole. I've been doing my best to patch things over with him, but somehow I think I just made things worse."
Dax nodded slowly, allowing Nerys to see how true she was being. Nerys sighed again. "I cannot believe I just told you all of that." The two laughed slightly, a strained silence coming between them before Nerys had an idea. "Dax, is there anything else you wanted to ask me? Something about anyone from my universe? After all, you just listened to my life story. The least I can do is tell you something you actually want to know."
Dax thought about that for a long time. There were so many questions she wanted to ask, so much she wanted to know about Lenzar and about Benjamin. And of its own accord, her mouth opened and asked the questions. "What about Lenzar and Benjamin? Are they doing okay?"
Nerys smiled softly, thinking of just what she should tell this good friend. "They're both fine. Ben left a couple of days after you did. For some reason, he seemed very distracted by your visit. As for Lenzar, he holed up in his room for a few days. I heard him say later that he went into a zhian'kellen trance, whatever that is."
Dax smiled to herself. "I've done that a few times. It's a particular type of trance that lets you talk to your other hosts face to face, if you will. It's easier than a zhian'tara, but at the same time, you don't get to know them as well. Thank you. I have to get to Ops now."
Dax stood, walking away slowly, lost in thought, and Nerys sighed again. Sitting at that table in the Replimat, she let her mind drift, not noticing anything.
Arys waited impatiently for the screen to resolve into her husband's image. "Dammit, c'mon." Her words were thick with pain. Finally, the screen did as expected, allowing her to see Jake. When she did, she closed herself off, not allowing anything through.
"Jake, I thought you should know that there was a crisis in the shipyards today." A crisis. She made it sound so simple, when she knew it really wasn't. She'd gone down there to check herself.
It had been a mess. The ship that Ari had been working on didn't even exist anymore. It was as though nothing remained. She could close her eyes and still picture it, the smoke and flames, the stench of burning flesh and the bodies. Oh, Prophets, the bodies. MacAllen, Lomess, Rana, Cluenda, Sarnt, T'eramn, and Dukat. Ari Dukat was dead, and she had to tell Jake.
"Seven bodies were found near the sight of the bomb's blast. One of the seven was Ari, Jake." Her eyes finally filled with tears as she tried to handle herself. It was difficult. She wanted to scream and cry, but she needed to be strong now. She could break down later, in private, with Jake to help her through this.
"We're investigating the situation right now, Jake, and I should have some answers for you by the time you get home." Why wasn't he saying something? Reassuring her, or pleading with her, anything. But that wasn't his way, she knew. He had, after all, coined the nickname "Vulcan Sisko" for his ability to control his feelings.
"Take care of yourself. I don't want you to die, too." She didn't know where that particular comment had come from, but she meant every word of it. So she didn't retract it. He nodded to her. It was the only thing she was going to get out of him right now, she knew. But when he came home, he would tell her everything he felt. He would hold her until she was okay. And she could wait that long for reassurance.
She smiled gently, pushing the thought of her friend to the back of her mind. It was not the fact that she was callous that allowed her to do so, but rather her need to find the culprit. Two deaths within a month, Nog's being one and Ari's being the other, had set her very firmly on edge. It was just a matter of time now before she brought the person in, and then the pay would be harsh.
Arys closed the book gently, tears pouring out of her eyes. It still hurt, even after all this time. She sighed in pain, then turned to look out the window. So Jake had cancelled on her. That was nothing big. She'd had cancels before. So why did this seem so important?
It was too much to deal with alone. She grinned slightly. She knew just what to get to help her. She moved to the small replicator, ordering a large helping of bread pudding. It wasn't the same as being at the Sisko's restaurant, but it would still help.
"Dax," Odo said, approaching the table with a small smile. The smile was not there for any reason other than the fact that he did find it amusing and insightful to talk to the science officer. She returned the smile with one of her own, motioning to the empty seat in front of her. He nodded once and sat down.
"How have you been, Odo? I haven't gotten a chance to talk to you since Nerys and Keurithe got here."
Odo nodded again. He had noticed that, too. And he planned to rectify it, the first chance he got. Which was now. "Yes, I know. Those two have pretty much taken the station by storm. Even Captain Sisko has invited them to join him."
Dax nodded, knowing exactly what Odo meant. Ever since the two had arrived, their lives had turned into a virtual nightmare. Nothing went right. She knew that Kira was hurt by what she had discovered about Odo and the Colonel, and that was just the beginning. Keurithe was manipulating everyone for some reason, but what it was, Dax couldn't tell. "Odo, we have to do something about it. There's no telling what could happen if we just let it go without even a fight."
She was pacing. Back and forth, back and forth she went. It was insane, but Arys was truly worried, and trying to justify it any way she could. "Didn't he tell me he would contact me as soon as he got back, and that it wouldn't take more than a couple of hours? Dammit, it's been five hours now, and no word." Her companion, a holographic image of Jake, just stared right back at her, seemingly unconcerned.
"Okay, calm down. Nothing's happened. I'm just a little crazy because of all those deaths recently." Those words helped, until the screen chimed an incoming message. She ran to the wallviewer, tapping in the code with undisguised impatience.
But it wasn't Jake's face looking back at her when she was done. It was Katassa's. And Katassa looked upset. Arys stared for a few seconds, and then the realization kicked in. "Oh, Prophets, no. Please, no."
Katassa hung her head, not knowing quite what to say. "Arys, it's about Jake." She ignored the muffled whimper coming from the once-staunch Chief of Security. "He went into the SubGate, and his ship was destroyed. There were no survivors. I'm sorry."
Before Katassa could say another word, the commlink closed. Arys stared at the hand that closed it as though it was unattached to her arm, then sighed, sinking down to the floor. All that she could think about were the times she had spent with Jake, the things they had done together. It wasn't enough. They were supposed to have more time together. They were supposed to grow old, to live together for years, not a few months.
She stood up, planning to go to the gym and work off the surprise. But she had always been a practical girl, who believed that it was wrong to lie, even to herself. And she took no more than five steps when her legs went numb and she crumpled to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably.
"Is this seat taken, Nerys?" Somehow, Sisko felt that formality would be a poor choice in this instance. The woman he had approached looked up at him, and smiled warmly. He liked that smile. It made him feel comfortable in his relationship with her, although he still wasn't entirely sure just what that relationship was. There was something that she wasn't telling him, but he couldn't quite figure it out, and he couldn't ask Dax. She was avoiding him.
"Hello, Captain. How are you today?"
He nodded his answer, wondering if he should even ask the questions brewing in his mind. Finally, he decided. "Nerys, what do you know about Odo and Kira? I've noticed that they are avoiding each other, and it worries me a bit, to be honest. They don't normally do so."
Nerys sighed. She had known this question would pop up, and had tried to prepare for it. But it was difficult. "Captain, if you can't see what's going on between the two of them, I'd like to know how you ever got yourself married. They love each other. It's just a matter of time now before they admit it."
Sisko's mouth was open. "In love?" He hadn't seen it coming.
Nerys smiled softly. "Yes, Captain. And in response to your next question, I know about it because Odo told me about it. We had a nice, long talk about it when he was visiting my universe." Her eyes shifted, looking off in the direction of the wall, and Sisko nodded. It didn't take a genius to figure this one out. She knew Odo's feelings because of what he had told her. She knew Kira's feelings because, in a way, she was Kira.
"And Dax?" That question took Nerys completely off-guard.
"What, Captain?"
"What about Dax? She's been avoiding me ever since she returned from your universe. Since the two of you are presumably friends, I thought I could ask you about it."
Nerys shook her head. "I don't know what you mean, sir. I had no idea that the two of you were having problems." Not precisely true. Nerys had a very good idea what the problem was, but it was not her place to tell Sisko that.
The captain only nodded, smiling. He now knew what he wanted to know. Or more appropriately, he knew what she could tell him about the subjects. With little formality, he rose, walking away from the still-seated Colonel. She looked after him with a soft expression of nostalgia.
"Arys, I'm going to go for a while. I'll be back as soon as possible." The Bajoran barely heard the softly spoken words of Leshia. She ignored them, choosing instead to continue staring out of the window in thought.
For the last three months, this was all she had done. Staring out of the window, thinking about the past. It was all she could do. She had lost two of her best friends, and the one man she had ever truly loved. It was nearly impossible to continue.
*Did you know that? Did you know they call you Vulcan Sisko behind your back?* The words whispered through her head, reminding her of much more pleasant times. *Think the acting lessons paid off?*
The corners of her mouth turned up in a slight smile at the memory. He had been so needing in the first, and so afraid of her in the second. Her fingers played over the rough fabric encasing her couch, once their couch, and she imagined it was his face she was touching.
A tear slipped down her face, staining the couch for the thousandth time, if not more. She knew nothing but the fact that she was now utterly alone. And a thought occurred to her.
"I know my adult question, now, Jake." The words were whispered, though no one was around to hear them. She choked a minute, unable to go on in the silence. Finally, though, the question was spoken aloud. "Why have you left me, Admiral Jake Sisko, leader of the Eysu Moraht and Dean of the Eysu Madrokul?"
She tasted the titles, as she had done a million times since he left. And they tasted like cardboard in her mouth. She stood, drifting aimlessly through the room. It was not in the same quarters she had shared with Jake. She had gotten rid of them immediately.
She couldn't bear the thought of not being with him, especially when she had been married only a short time. "Damn you, Jake Sisko!" The anger came swiftly, and left just as quickly. She couldn't hate him for dying, any more than she could for living. He had brought so much to her life, and she was so grateful for that . . . .