The characters of Jadzia Dax, Odo, Kira Nerys, Benjamin Sisko, Jake Sisko, Nog, and Quark, not to mention the space station Deep Space Nine are not mine, as much as I'd like them to be. Legally they belong to Paramount. The characters you don't recognize are mine, however. Hahahahaha, finally, all mine. Oh, sorry.
Author's notes:This story came about from a roundtable story done between my best friend Kira and I. I really hope you enjoy it. I'd rate it PG because it does have some adult content in it, although it is tastefully done, much like the true series. The story is set somewhere in the fourth season, with fourth season spoilers. So if you haven't seen the fourth season eps. you better watch out. And not all of the fourth season is included, for those of you who want purity.
The title comes from Ode to Intimations of Immortality from Early Recollections of Childhood, by Wordsworth. I hope you'll be able to see how it fits in with the plot. Enjoy the story, and email me if you have any comments, flames, etc. My address is miyaka@gto.net.
Dedication:I'd like to dedicate this story to my friend Kira, without whom the Eysu Moraht would never have existed, and to all of my prereaders, without whom the story would not have existed. I'd also like to dedicate it to Eloise and Jimmy Hill, two people now gone but whom the world will always treasure.
The Faith That Looks Through Death
by Yuuki Miyaka
Chapter 4
"What do you mean, Major?" It was the second time he had called her by her old title, and she finally noticed. A small grin lit her face.
"Odo, I'm a colonel now." She trailed off, and he waited for her to explain her actions. Her explanation was a long time in coming. "I don't really know where to start. I guess a lot of this is going to sound completely ridiculous, but I don't really care. You need to be told, or someone else will comment on it, and you won't have any idea what they're talking about. So I guess I start at the beginning.
"About twenty-one years ago, war broke out on Bajor. Most of us thought that we were done with war after the Occupation, but it just wasn't to be. This war was pretty bad, though. Shakaar and Winn were the two people at the heads of the factions. The entire senior staff of DS9 swore loyalty to Shakaar. One night, about three months into the war, you came to my quarters. We hadn't really had much time to talk, and you asked me if I would like to go to the holosuites. I thought that you had finally lost it." She smiled, remembering. "Finally, we decided to just stay in my quarters and chat.
"We talked for hours. We both had the entire day free. I was never sure after that just how it happened. I suspected Benjamin of having something to do with it. Around midnight, the conversation turned to the war and death. I remember it like it was yesterday . . . ."
Odo and Kira sat on a small couch in her quarters. They had considered going to his rooms, but dismissed the idea due to the fact that there was no furniture there. Their talk had been light at first, but somehow it waxed depressive, and neither one of them wished to leave the other's company quite yet, so the discussion continued.
"It's almost as though there was never peace on Bajor. I can barely remember a time when no-one was fighting. How could we have sunk so low, Odo?" Kira stared holes into the wall. "We preach brotherhood and then turn around and kill each other. What went wrong?" Odo sighed.
"Winn." He considered his next words carefully. He had debated asking her all evening, and now was the time. If he didn't say it now, he would never ask. "Kira, are you going to join the war?" Kira gave him an odd look.
"No. I don't believe in it. I'll help Shakaar out politically, but I can't fight again. Not my own people." Odo nodded.
"Bashir is going down there to help the wounded. Dax decided to join him. The captain gave them both leave, and their replacements are on the way." Kira nodded, and Odo fought the urge to leave. He had to tell her everything. But with her right there in front of him, it was extremely difficult.
"Kira, I . . . ." Odo's voice trailed off into a mumble, and Kira looked at him sharply. She had never known him to mumble anything in his life. He just wasn't the type.
"What?"
"I . . . love you." The words were so soft, she had to strain to hear them. And once she had heard them, she decided that it wasn't what he said. She looked at him in disbelief, and that gave him the courage to repeat himself. "I love you, Kira." He stopped, unsure of what to say next. The fear was almost impossible to deal with. He had never known such fear, and he probably never would again.
"Why didn't you ever tell me?" Her voice was soft, hesitant.
"I did. I told you twice before this." He stared anywhere but her face, unable to talk to her. "The first time I tried to tell you, it turned out to be one of my people. On that moon in the Badlands." Kira nodded.
"That's how you knew it wasn't me, wasn't it? Because of what she said." Odo nodded miserably. "But how did you know how I would respond?"
"You didn't have those feelings for me. I knew it, but I couldn't let you die not knowing how I felt. And then there was the time we went back to the beginning of the Occupation." He gave a short bark of laughter. "Your response really surprised me. I never expected you to accept the fact, much less reciprocate."
"I thought it was just a dream." Odo shook his head.
"No, it was real." She looked at him curiously.
"But if you knew I would love you, why didn't you tell me?" Odo shrugged.
"I don't know. All I know is that the war on Bajor will eventually come up here, and I don't want to pretend anymore. Not with everything else on top of it." She smiled at him warmly.
"I know, Odo. I love you. I think I always will." She touched his face, and he glanced into her eyes. Once there, he was lost, and the night wore on, leaving both of them secure in their knowledge and each other's arms.
"I told you everything, then." Kira nodded, smiling wanly.
"Yes. And about two months later, you were killed. I think part of me died on that day. I felt worse than when Bareil died. I couldn't think, couldn't eat. Benjamin pulled me off of work until I could cope with it, and Julian did his best to help. But then Julian died, and I very nearly fell apart. Benjamin felt just as bad. His life was wrapped up in Bajor, and he felt responsible for what had happened.
"Eventually, Ben and I gave up and joined the war completely. When it was finally over, we both welcomed the peace. Shakaar kept Ben and myself on as the commanders of the station, which he renamed New Bajor. He was responsible for most things, but were the ones who handled the day to day crises of DS9 itself. At some point, we decided to get married. I don't really know how it happened. We never really loved each other. I guess we just wanted someone to hold onto who was a survivor, someone who would always be there. It wasn't enough, though. We only stayed married about three years. After the divorce, he left for StarFleet HQ. They wanted to make him an admiral. I was promoted to colonel, and have been in charge of New Bajor ever since." Kira looked away.
"I'm sorry." Odo whispered the words, unsure of how she would feel. She just nodded. On impulse, he reached out a single finger, and touched her face. This was playing with fire, he knew. And he was going to get more than burned.
Jake sighed. He had been tracing down leads for several days now, having infrequent dreams besides, and he was getting fed up. Walking up to a particular hut that was the last one on his list, he knocked quickly, certain that no-one was home. He started to turn away when the door opened. A spindly woman peeked through the opening, a worried look on her face. "Yes," she said, softly, and Jake knew instinctively that this was not Arys.
"Hi," he said quietly, trying to persuade her through his demeanor that he meant no ill. "I'm Jake Sisko, from Deep Space Nine. I'm here to research the Paq resistance cell, and I was wondering if you had any free time?" He gave her a lopsided grin, and the woman moved away from the door.
"I was just about to make some tea, Mr. Sisko. Would you like to join me?" Jake nodded, and the woman smiled at him. "My name is Carran Imela. What did you want to know?"
Jake wrote down the name, and took a seat. Imela, he realized with a start, wasn't that much older than he, perhaps six years or so, but she seemed so much older. He couldn't help staring, and to his embarrassment, she noticed. "I know. I look so much older than I am. It's just one more reason to hate the Occupation. I was about four when I was inducted into the Paq. But there were a lot of deaths and horrors that scarred me, and I ended up being the old crone, somehow. Are you looking for anyone in particular?" The last was directed at the PADD in his hand, and he flushed slightly, nodding.
"Myran Arys. There was some connection between the Paq and her, I'm told. I just wondered what it was, and if she could have escaped the final death sentence that everyone but you seemed to go through. I'm doing a story on her." He accepted the tea that Imela handed him, and watched while she seated herself.
"I don't know if she escaped. She was with us when the others went into Gallitep, but somehow she realized it was a trap and went running after them. She's probably dead. It would be nice to know for certain, though. As to the rest of the cell, there was one other person who escaped. One good thing about our leader: he refused to kill children. He sent the three of us away before trying Gallitep. The other one was Mirst Lenden. He lives about two houses down. If you like, I'll see if he's home. He might know whether she's still alive." Jake sighed once more, and shook his head.
"Thanks, but no. I was going to head home after this visit anyway. It's been a long day, and there isn't much to go on, anyway. Perhaps you could give me his address before I leave, though, so that I can contact him later. But for now, I'd just like to know more about Arys. Can you tell me a little of what she was like?"
"Oh, Arys was a wild one. She loved the odd practical joke, but somehow, she managed to keep it from going too far. She was really very sweet. She always liked Shakaar quite a bit. Now that he's become a prominent member of the government, I can see what she liked about him. Before, I always teased her about her taste in men. After all, to me, then, Shakaar was nothing more than a ladies man. Let's see. She was the brave one of us children." Imela smiled softly. "I could always talk to her. She seemed so happy, despite the fact that the only thing she had ever known was the Occupation. There were times when she acted like such a child." Jake looked at her blankly.
"She _was_ a child, Ms. Carran. Why is it so surprising that she acted like one?" Imela looked at Jake in amusement.
"She may have been a child physically, Mr. Sisko, but she was hardly young. No one was, during the Occupation. On the contrary, we grew up before we had been born. It wasn't easy to be a child in that time, Mr. Sisko. I'm sure that Arys did the best she could, but if she was too wild, she would be left behind. No one could afford that. So she only acted up when she knew she could. Other times, she was as serious as the rest of the adults." Jake nodded quietly.
Jadzia looked over at her companion in the holosuite. She had searched out the files of Benjamin earlier, but wasn't quite sure she could take seeing him again. There was something about his eyes in the picture she had called up that she couldn't quite deal with. Instead, she went to Lenzar, curious as to what he could tell her. But she didn't have the nerve to bring Benjamin up. She examined her feelings, unsure of why she felt so frightened. Every instinct told her to run, that she would gain nothing in this mad quest to discover the future. But she couldn't stop herself.
"Jadzia?" Lenzar's voice was soft as he approached her. "You've never been one to ignore a holosuite program, as I recall. Why start now?" He sat beside her, and in that instant, she could see Audrid Dax inside him. She looked away, knowing that she wanted to confide in him more than anything else.
"It's Benjamin. Something's wrong, and I can't figure out what. Every time I try to find out, someone calls me away, or the computer acts up. What happened to him, Lenzar? I saw his eyes. He's mourning something. What?" As soon as she was done, she regretted her outburst. But Lenzar just looked at her with patience, and she nearly cried.
"He had a lot to bear with after the war started. At first, he refused to become involved. He said that his StarFleet training did not permit it. But slowly, he came around. The first time something happened, he remained firm in the face of Kira's outbursts. But after Jadzia . . . after _you_ died, he went a little crazy. For a while, the replacement doctor considered taking him off duty. Thing was, Kira was just as upset, as was everyone else who had known you." He looked up at her, smiling slightly. "It seems strange to talk to you like this. Not so long after that, Odo died too, and Kira changed. She was insane, I think. I had never seen anyone that cold. She began talking about joining the war, and Benjamin decided to go with her, and help her. When it was suggested they start a campaign here, they did. During that time, he and Kira married. He always used to tease her about her married name, Kira Nerys Sisko. I guess she couldn't give up her old name, and that way, she could also honor human tradition. Well, they eventually got a divorce, and he left for Earth. They offered him a nice, cushy job as an admiral. But I think your death took its toll. He had a lot of trouble accepting me at first. I think he loved you a little." Lenzar grinned softly.
"He would make a wonderful Trill. Did you know that?" Jadzia spoke quietly, afraid of telling this to one of her people. Many would consider it sacrilege. But she suspected that Lenzar wouldn't. "I've often thought that. He has a way of looking at things that speaks well for him." Lenzar nodded, agreeing with her. There was something about this woman that spoke volumes to him. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but he felt comfortable with her. Most likely, it was the symbiont nestled inside both of them. But he wasn't entirely sure of that.
"I know what you mean. In many ways, I think Kira would make a good Trill, too. But then she says something totally off the wall, and I'm forced to reevaluate my original opinion." Lenzar's joke fell a little flat but Jadzia smiled. "But I know what you mean about Ben. He'd make a really good Trill. It's his presence. He just commands respect, like a lot of the Trill on the Symbiosis Commission." Jadzia nodded, and her smile turned into a grin.
"You're right, Lenzar." She placed a hand over his, and he looked up in surprise. He stared at her oddly for a few minutes before pulling away.
"I think that we should be getting back to the program, Jadzia." And he disappeared, leaving Jadzia curious.
"Jake," Arys touched his arm, trying to get his attention. "Hey! What's going on? You've been out of it for five minutes." Jake looked up from the paper he was reading, a bemused expression on his face.
"Arys, do you remember what the Voyager said when we found it? You know, about the Vidiians? Well, it turns out that they were right. Apparently, the Vidiians know that a full Klingon can resist the Phage." Arys nodded, waiting for the reason behind his interest in this. "They've asked for our help." Arys sat down abruptly.
"Jake, they've been trying to get to us since we were established. You know that. What makes you think that they aren't after our end, even though they say that they aren't. How do you know that you can trust them?"
Jake stared at her. "Arys, we have to help them. It's part of everything we believe in. What if we begged them for help, and they refused it right when we needed it the most? How would you feel?" Arys looked away, considering what he said. "I won't command anyone to help, but you might consider asking your classes to help." She nodded, and left. Seconds later, a knock came on his door. "Enter."
"Ummm, sir? I was wondering if I might talk to you for a moment." Jake nodded, motioning for the young Klingon to walk in.
"What is it, Kremm?" The Klingon looked at Jake, and sat down abruptly. Jake knew why the Klingon was so nervous around him. Ever since the Eysu had founded the University, Arys had been teaching him self-defense far beyond that of any other student. Those classes, combined with the fact that he was the Dean of the University, made almost every student nervous.
"Well, sir, I know that you're busy, so I won't take up much of your time. I just wanted to talk to you about the Vidiians."
"And what do you know about the Vidiians, Kremm?" Jake looked at the student in surprise. Kremm lifted his head, staring the Dean straight in the eye.
"Sir, I'm a doctor. Leshia believes that I'm very good, and I'd like to help with the Vidiians. I know they are suffering, and I can help. I spoke with some of the crew from the Voyager last week, and they told me what had happened with B'Elanna Torres. Sir, they need our help as much as anyone does, and we could certainly use their medical expertise in years to come. Is it honorable to just sit here and waste time when others may be dying needlessly?" Jake flinched at the rigid posture and desperation in the lad's voice. A smile slowly lit his face.
"You realize that you would have to agree to be a part of whatever experiments they chose to perform. Can you handle that, Kremm?" The Klingon doctor nodded stiffly. "All right, then. I will appoint you to go to the Vidiians. You may use your best judgment in helping them, as well as perform diplomatic duties. If you think you are up to it, then you may leave as soon as you're packed. But tell me now if you don't think you're capable of it. The Eysu doesn't like failure, and the best way to keep from failing is not to overextend yourself. Do you think you can handle it, Kremm?" Jake's eyes bored into the Klingon's, never wavering. Kremm's eyes betrayed his anxiety, but he stood up proudly.
"I can handle it, sir. I'll leave in the week." Jake nodded, and watched the boy leave, reflecting on what had just happened. As he turned back to the material on his desk, he awoke, staring into the dark.
"Well, we're helping the Vidiians, Arys. How do you manage that? You're the one who came up with the idea of the University, and suddenly, it was a reality. You were the one to start the special security training for medical personnel, and that became a big success. You always seem to get your way. What is it that you want from me? Why do you plague my dreams?" Jake sat up and grabbed his PADD. "And when did I start talking like a writer?"
He grinned softly, looking up at the ceiling before continuing his chronicle.
Odo and Kira walked around the station, taking in all the changes. To Kira, they did not look very different, but Odo was amazed at the changes. He stared at the people walking in and out of Quark's Bar. He observed those who ran his office. And most importantly, he watched Kira, trying to figure her out. She walked beside him, seeming comfortable in his presence, although he knew that it must upset her. "Where are you taking me, Colonel?"
Kira looked up at him, a sad smile on her lips. "Odo, why can't you call me Nerys?"
Odo stared at her in shock. Twice now, he had been asked to call people by names other than titles. It left him a bit confused and disoriented. "I'm not sure that would be such a good idea, Colonel. After all, I'm not the constable you once knew."
Kira shook her head, denying his statement. "Why can't you open up to me?"
Odo turned away from her, walking away quickly. Kira stared after him, but he quickly outdistanced her in the crowd, and she was forced to give up. When he finally looked up, he found himself outside Dax's quarters. Without pausing to think, he signaled the door to open.
When he walked in, he found Dax lying on the couch they had provided for her, staring up at the ceiling. She turned toward him, a smile lighting up her face. "Odo!" she said in surprise, and he looked at her. When he didn't answer, she moved away from the couch, going over to him in concern. "What is it, Odo? Is it something to do with Kira?" He glanced up sharply, then lowered himself to a seat.
"So you know. I wondered." He faced her, watching her expression turn to one of compassion.
"I have Curzon's memories of what it was like to be you. A lot of that includes your memories. I know you considered my relationship with Curzon rather close to home. Talk to me, Odo. Tell me how I can help." Odo stared at this woman he had considered a friend. She was too compassionate, too caring. A small smile touched his lips as he thought of another female, one he could wish he was discussing this with.
"As you know, I . . . care for Kira . . . ."
"Admiral Sisko, there is an incoming subspace message for you." Jake nodded, sighing. He wasn't sure if he was up to another diplomatic conversation.
"Reroute it to my private quarters." He looked around the room, smiling slightly. His "private quarters" barely looked lived in. In the last few years, he had been granted little time in them, instead living on a variety of Eysu ships, or on occasion in the Alpha Quadrant visiting his family and friends there. And he never saw any of the four who had helped him create the Eysu now. There were too many chores, too many problems to spend time with them for something other than work. Sighing, he took one more glance at the sparse yet clean environment. Wiping the smile off of his face in an attempt to look serious, he touched the small pad that signaled the transmission to open. He was greeted with Katassa's radiant face, and his smile returned.
"Jake," Katassa said warmly. He thought about the small amount of time that he had spent with her especially in the last two years, and flinched slightly at that warmth. "I have news."
Jake raised his eyebrows at that. "What type of news, oh magnificent one?"
Katassa smiled at the teasing tone in Jake's voice. But her smile widened as she thought of the news she bore, and Jake became impatient. "Well, what is it already?"
"Jake, I'm pregnant!" She laughed a little, and Jake stared at her.
"What?! Who? Ari?" She nodded, and Jake's face lit up. "Does he know?" She grinned and nodded again.
"He's coming up to work out the details with me. I'm not sure how we're going to handle it, since we can't marry, but we'll think of something."
Jake nodded again, and the connection closed, leaving him in darkness. He stared at Shakaar's ceiling, wondering what to do. Shakaar had left for the day, and Jake was alone, he knew, but there was something there, always, teasing at the back of his mind. Just as he would figure out what it was, it would disappear. And now, he was ignoring it in an attempt to concentrate on his story. "My story. Arys would love to hear that." Jake sighed.
"Are you just a figment of my imagination, Arys? Did I hear your name and begin fantasizing? Or are you real? Could we have what we do in my dreams?" He thought about the latest dream, and grinned. "And do you know about Katassa, my love? Did you hear her good news?" Suddenly, a new thought occurred to him.
"How are you going to deal with this, Katassa? You don't have the time to spend with a child, and you can't marry. What is going to happen to Ari?" He sighed once more, and took his PADD, calling up the newest names in his desperate search for Arys.
"How is your visit, Commander?" Dax looked up, and saw Shakaar standing near her. With a short laugh, she looked back at the panel she was manipulating.
"Not as nice as it could be, I'm afraid. It's a little disturbing to be a ghost." Shakaar smiled.
"I imagine so. But tell me, Kira came to me somewhat upset yesterday, and I know it had something to do with Odo. Do you happen to know what went on?" Dax shook her head, refusing to give away Odo's secret. Shakaar only nodded, and turned away. Dax smiled slightly, until she saw another shadow on an intercept course with her. She looked away, but she had already seen him, and the damage was done. Her heart pounded in panic, and her breath shortened. It was unlike her to be this afraid of another person, but when that other person was Benjamin, she had always reacted strangely. As she thought, she remembered the first time she had known that he was the one to be her commanding officer. That memory brought a smile to her lips, and that was the way she greeted him.
"Hello, Old Man. How are you?" He had to have been briefed about her visit to the station. That was the only way he could be so relaxed about this. She thought this with her cynical side.
"Benjamin. I didn't expect to see you. Last I heard, you were working on Earth. What happened?" He grinned.
"My son sent me a special message, told me that my best friend was coming to DS9, and perhaps I should, too. Since an admiral doesn't have as much of a problem getting leave on short notice as a captain does, I decided to join you and see some of the others that I missed. It was the chance of a lifetime, you might say." He stared at her, and she looked away uncomfortably. With a sigh, she smiled and filled him in on what had been happening since she had arrived. And as they talked, the years apart seemed to melt away from Benjamin, until he seemed again the young man she had known for so long.
Jake sat on Arys' bed, waiting for the woman to return from her workout. It was about this time that she usually walked in, and he really needed to talk to her. The time he spent working with Alpha Quadrant diplomats were beginning to take their toll. And he just needed to talk to a friend at this point. Preferably someone who wouldn't be out to get him after the usefulness of their friendship expired.
Such a cynical nature, he thought to himself. I never used to be this way. What happened to me? But his thoughts continued, remembering the horrors of diplomacy. Why didn't I go into writing like I planned to?
At that moment, Arys walked in, and Jake had a few seconds to admire her before she noticed him. "Jake, what are you doing here?" The voice was flat, emotionless. Jake knew by that tone that she was exhausted, mentally as well as physically. Otherwise she wouldn't be quite so cold. Just as he was about to reply, it seemed to occur to her how rude she had just been. "Oh, Jake. I'm sorry. I'm just sick of running in diplomatic circles every time I decide to show my class a new move. It's frustrating. I guess manners aren't the first things on my mind anymore." Jake smiled.
"Arys, you've proved time and time again that you can be a good hostess. You don't have to worry about it now. I promise that I'll live if you're slightly rude to me." Jake considered his options carefully. It was fairly obvious that Arys wasn't really up to company at this point. He could go see Ari or Nog, but he had really hoped to talk with Arys, wanted her soothing nature rather than Nog's joking one, or Ari's worry. Besides, Ari had enough to worry about right now with Katassa's child on the way. After a long moment, Jake stood up. "I'll go now." She stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.
"You had to have some reason for coming here. I know you. None of us has any time to just drop by without reason, especially not you. So spill it. What's wrong?" Jake looked down, and Arys nodded. Without a word, she retrieved two sets of sheets from the cabinet and ushered him out into the living room. One set she tossed to Jake.
"You make up that couch, I'll make up this one. How does that sound?" Jake realized in that moment how remiss he'd been in his friendship. He barely saw her outside of his duties now, and she was still willing to let him stay over when he was upset, although they both knew she was just as exhausted as he. He did as she said, unable to look her in the eyes.
When they were both done, she looked at him in amusement, before laying down on the couch she had made. At her command the lights dimmed, and they lay there in each other's company, neither one able to sleep. Finally, Arys spoke. "What's your favorite race?"
"Huh?" Jake asked, and Arys repeated her question.
"What's your favorite race? C'mon, Jake. This is a baby question." When she stopped speaking, he tried to puzzle out what she meant. Finally, he gave up.
"What are you talking about?"
"Look, Jake. It's my guess that you came here because you wanted someone to talk to." He agreed. "And I also think that you don't want to talk about whatever it is that's upsetting you, else you would already be talking. Right?" Once more, he agreed. "So answer my question. That way, we can chat and you don't have to talk about anything you don't want to. Sound good?" Jake thought to himself, then grinned.
"Bajorans." That should keep her quiet. But it didn't.
"Oh. I rather like humans, myself." He could feel her grin. "Your turn. Think up a baby question."
Jake looked into the darkness blankly. "What constitutes a baby question, Arys?" He was surprised to hear a soft chuckle.
"Any question that can be answered pretty easily. The levels go: baby, toddler, child, adolescent, adult, wise." He laughed at the last one.
"Wise doesn't seem to fit. Where did you come up with the game, Arys?" That earned him another soft chuckle.
"When we were in the Resistance, we would have to pass the time somehow. My friends and I would ask each other these questions. Usually, it would go around once for each level. The hardest ones are the wise ones. We never made it past the first one of those. Well? What's your question?" He grinned.
"That was it. What was the wise one you never answered?" He could feel the tears in her eyes as she thought back to that time.
"Not yet. First, you have to answer the other levels. Okay, here's your toddler question. What did you want to be when you grew up? I mean, other than a StarFleet officer." It was Jake's turn to chuckle.
"Actually, there's only been one other thing. I've always wondered what my life would have been like if I had actually taken that fellowship to Pennington. I wanted to be a writer. You?"
Arys pondered the question for a while, then sighed. "An adult. I wasn't sure if I was going to make it to be whatever it was I could think of, so I didn't really plan. I was pretty lucky to get accepted into StarFleet, I guess." Jake swallowed, wondering what he would have been like if he had never met this woman. He shivered slightly.
"My turn? Hmmm." Jake thought a minute. "Who did you most admire when you were growing up?" Arys sighed.
"The Shakaar resistance cell. They did such amazing things while we were fighting the Cardassians, everyone admired them." Jake thought a moment longer.
"I'd have to say the crew of the Enterprise. Even though I wanted to write more than I wanted to explore space, they always did such amazing things. You've heard at least some of it." Arys nodded, knowing that her friend couldn't see her. She thought for a long time before she came up with the next question.
"Have you ever hated your parents?" That was a hard question for Jake, who was close to his parents.
"Yes." The word was soft, and for a while, Arys didn't think he was going to elaborate. But he finally did. "When Mom died, I hated her for leaving us. I couldn't understand at first that she wasn't going to come back, even though I knew what death was. I refused to accept the fact that she was gone. And then, when Dad made us leave Earth for DS9, I hated him. I thought he was just giving up on Mom's memory. I know better now. But for a while, it was hard." Arys could picture that young boy, furious with his parents for changing his life so drastically, and it was all she could do to keep the tears silent.
"It was when I found out that my parents had died in the prison camps. I guess it was mostly for the same reasons. Here, I had dedicated my life to freeing them, and they just gave up. I hated them. It took Paq Erun a good two years to make me understand." The silence stretched out between them, each imagining the other. Finally, Jake spoke.
"What's your favorite childhood story? One about you, not about someone else." Arys nodded. Her eyes were closing slowly. She had become accustomed to another person in the room, and she was once more exhausted. But she knew that Jake needed this, so she resolved to talk to him until one of them fell asleep.
"I was about seven, and I had already joined the Paq. It was on this particular raid, and I was supposed to stay out of trouble. They didn't need someone able to wiggle through the tight spots. Well, there I was, hiding in the shadows, when this tiny Cardassian came careening around the corner. I knew that the Cardassians were bad, but I was thinking that maybe the tiny ones weren't as bad. So I grabbed the little one . . . it was a boy . . . and I hissed at him to keep quiet. He did, and pretty soon, this older Cardassian came around the corner looking for him. The older Cardassian went past, and when he was out of earshot, the young boy turned to me. He grinned and suggested we go play. I asked him why he'd been running, and he said something about teachers. Well, we got to talking, and I didn't give anything away, but I made a friend that day. We met three or four times after that, even though we never knew each other's names. Funny, isn't it? I could kill Cardassians without a second thought, and I made friends with one."
Jake smiled at the image that came to him. He could see her laughing with a young Cardassian. His mind wandered back to his favorite memory. He began to speak, forming his words carefully. "When I was little, my father would make all of our dinners. He always said that it was because his father would want him to, but I went to all of my friends' houses, and their mothers would make them dinner. And I wondered why Mom didn't do this for us. Finally, one day, I came home and found Mom in the kitchen. She was standing over a pot and there was this really funny smell throughout the house. When I asked her what it was, she just said dinner. I was thrilled. I thought she had finally decided to be as nice as everyone else. Well, Dad came in really late, and we all sat down at the table. He smiled at my mother, and then lifted his fork and took a bite of the dinner. Encouraged, the rest of us did, too. Dad was the only one who managed to keep his cool. He never said a word, never even changed expression as he ate the meal. My mother sighed and pushed it away. I couldn't even eat it. It was absolutely the worst thing I have ever tasted, and that includes field rations. After that day, I was always glad that my dad made all of our meals." Jake caught Arys' expression in the pale light from the stars outside. He could barely make out the confusion written in her face. "I've always liked that memory because my dad was so calm. I've always wanted to be that calm in the face of crises." Jake heard the soft chuckle coming from the other side of the room. "What?"
"Jake, do you have any idea of how calm you are? Hell, half of the time, the only people who can read your reactions are Ari, Nog, Katassa, and I. Everyone else thinks that you don't care about things in the middle of crises. You're the most dispassionate person I've ever met. You're worse than a Vulcan, they say. Did you know that? Did you *know* they call you Vulcan Sisko behind your back?" Jake laughed aloud.
"Arys? I've got a good one. Can I go first this time?" Arys nodded, and Jake grinned softly. "Has there ever been anything in your life that you've wanted to change?" Arys thought for a long time, not sure how to answer.
Finally, she spoke. "Yes. I wish that I had never agreed to go into the SSTF. So many things would be different now, if I hadn't. I know how much you wanted to be a StarFleet officer, and because of the SSTF, you aren't one. And nobody else in our group is, either. I'm so sorry." Jake stared at the vague outline of her form. He could barely make out details in that dim light, but he could see how truly sorry she was. He swallowed.
"Arys, I don't regret a moment of it, save one. I wish there had been some way to keep you from being so abused in there. In a way, I'm very glad it happened, because I think my life is better for it. But you are all under my command. You were, I think, from the moment we became a group. Somehow, I was elected the leader and you've all followed me. That makes me responsible for your well-being, moreso than anyone else. And the fact that I let you down, that I didn't do anything for so long . . . I failed you, Arys. I'm sorry." Jake examined his feelings in wonder. He hadn't known he even felt that way. He lay there a long time, thinking about what he had just said, and what it meant to those he had served with for so long. And he felt himself drifting toward sleep even as he thought about it.
"Who was your first crush on?" The question was sleepy, as though Arys was half asleep. And he realized with some chagrin that she probably was. He was, certainly, and he knew that she had been exhausted upon her arrival. So it followed . . . .
"Ummm, Marta. She was a Dabo girl in Quark's. She started flirting with me one day, and we really hit it off. After that, we just started seeing each other. And finally, my dad invited her over to dinner, and she charmed her way into his heart as well." Arys was silent for so long, Jake began to think she had fallen asleep. But finally, she answered the story.
"It sounds like you're still carrying a torch for her. Are you?" She sounded cautious, as though afraid of the answer.
Jake smiled, thinking about how far wrong she was. "No. But she's a very good friend, and I tend to think well of my friends."
"Mmmm." It was all Arys said for a while. Finally, she answered her own question. "My first crush was on Shakaar. I met him once when my cell ran into his. We had just come off of a raid, and we were pretty well beaten. The kids got off the easiest. We only had a few minor cuts and bruises. Some of the adults had lost arms, or lives. The Shakaar cell was helping to treat us, and Shakaar himself came over to me. He treated my scraped knee as if it were just as important as one of the adults' wounds. I fell a little in love with him at that point." She trailed off, and he heard the even breathing of her sleep. She had finally succumbed, and he understood just how tired she truly was. Sighing, he stood up and silently padded into her bedroom, where he activated the viewscreen.
"Computer?" he said softly. "Erase Myran Arys' schedule for tomorrow. She is to have the day off, authorization Sisko 929." With that done, he moved back into the living room and lay down, shutting his eyes.
When he opened them, he sighed. "So, Shakaar, you've met her. Good. Maybe you'll know where she is."