The characters of Jadzia Dax, Odo, Kira Nerys, Benjamin Sisko, Jake Sisko, Nog, and Quark, not to mention the space station Deep Space Nine are not mine, as much as I'd like them to be. Legally they belong to Paramount. The characters you don't recognize are mine, however. Hahahahaha, finally, all mine. Oh, sorry.
Author's notes:This story came about from a roundtable story done between my best friend Kira and I. I really hope you enjoy it. I'd rate it PG because it does have some adult content in it, although it is tastefully done, much like the true series. The story is set somewhere in the fourth season, with fourth season spoilers. So if you haven't seen the fourth season eps. you better watch out. And not all of the fourth season is included, for those of you who want purity.
The title comes from Ode to Intimations of Immortality from Early Recollections of Childhood, by Wordsworth. I hope you'll be able to see how it fits in with the plot. Enjoy the story, and email me if you have any comments, flames, etc. My address is miyaka@gto.net.
Dedication:I'd like to dedicate this story to my friend Kira, without whom the Eysu Moraht would never have existed, and to all of my prereaders, without whom the story would not have existed. I'd also like to dedicate it to Eloise and Jimmy Hill, two people now gone but whom the world will always treasure.
The Faith That Looks Through Death
by Yuuki Miyaka
Chapter 6
Jadzia paced around the room, waiting for Lenzar to speak. It was quite a while before he did. "Jadzia? Stop it. You're making me more nervous than I should be." The female Trill smiled softly. Her eyes seemed very sad to the younger man, though.
"It was good to know you, Lenzar. I'm glad Dax is left in such capable hands."
Lenzar nodded thoughtfully, then realized something. "I don't know how I would have coped if it had been me. I can't imagine going into a different future and finding out such horrible news." Jadzia smiled once more and touched his cheek. To her surprise, Lenzar blushed and looked away. "You know, it's kind of difficult to remember that you're me, in a way. You're so beautiful."
Jadzia's eyes widened, and she backed up a step, unsure of how to react. "What do you mean?"
Lenzar sighed, turning away. "When I first met you, in my zhian'tara, I knew that we would have been good friends if you had been alive. But as it was, I had to make do with my memories of life as you. It was strange to me to care for someone I could never meet, could never see." Jadzia turned away, reminded of another loved one. One who hadn't been able to admit his love until after his death. "Now, I've had the chance to get to know you, and I will treasure this for the rest of my life. It's been an amazing week for me. And I don't want it to end." He stared out of his window at the opening wormhole. His eyes closed briefly, and Jadzia remembered that it was customary to make a wish.
"I can't stay, Lenzar. I thought you knew that. It wouldn't be fair to either of us if I did. I care for you. That's certain. I know my replacement now. I'll never be afraid for Dax again. But I have to go back to my home. It would change the timeline too much to stay here, even if it wasn't my timeline. I'm terribly afraid that the changes we've already made will mess up your future." Jadzia looked away, tears pooling in her eyes.
Lenzar nodded. "I knew it up here." He pointed to his head. "I guess I just didn't want to believe what my mind was telling me. It's easier when I could believe that you would stay with me, that you could love me. I was watching you with Benjamin, though. Why don't you tell him how you feel?" Jadzia looked up sharply, then smiled and looked down.
"I can't, Lenzar. He still sees me as the Old Man. Even if he could separate me from Curzon, it wouldn't work. He's the captain of my space station. It would leave the two of us in some very awkward situations." Jadzia trailed off, staying silent for a few minutes, then looked up at Lenzar in amazement. "I can't believe I'm talking about this with you!" Lenzar smiled.
"Hey, look. If I can't be the great love of your life, like Julian or Benjamin, then I can at least be a friend, right?" Jadzia nodded slowly and turned to him. After a second, he was engulfed in her arms, and when she pulled away, there were conspicuous tears in her eyes. She smiled at the answering mist in his eyes.
"I suppose you're right . . . friend. But I have to go now. Take care, Lenzar. Dax depends on you. And so do I." Jadzia turned and walked away.
Jake finished up his admiral's log with surprising speed. Ever since his marriage to Arys, he had been happy to do whatever needed to be done around the Eysu. Even if he never saw anyone else, he saw her each night when he came home. Since her day was generally more stressful than his, he had set up their schedules so that she had an hour to unwind before he joined her, sometimes more. Usually, she would use that time to relax, playing soft music or sitting in silence with a cup of raktajino.
As the last word was uttered, a message came up on his screen, priority one. He groaned in frustration and opened the channel. It was a report about the situation at StarFleet Academy. Jake smiled, reading on. Two weeks ago, Nog had been asked to join StarFleet Academy to help a class. They were working with warp cores. Jake had kept up on the latest news, knowing that Nog was giving it his all. He smiled as he read the report, until he came to the last paragraph. He stopped, rereading the paragraph two and three times before he gave up and just stared at it without comprehension. At last, he closed down the channel and left the room, never saying a word.
When he finally got to his quarters, he walked in to see Arys smiling. "Hello, Jake. I'm so glad you're . . . home?" She trailed off, watching him in curiosity.
"Arys, Nog's dead." The words were flat. He couldn't summon the energy or the emotions to react right now. Later, he would. Later, he would grieve, screaming and crying for the lost friend. But now, the wound was raw and he was shocky.
"What do you mean, Nog's dead?" Arys shook her head. "He can't be. He's teaching a class at the Academy. I would've heard something!" Jake smiled softly, sadly. The emotions were starting to kick in now. A few more minutes, and he would be useless. Better to tell her before he became a blubbering idiot.
"He was showing his class how to dismantle a warp core engine when there was a breach in the matter/antimatter containment field. He managed to hold it long enough for all but one of the cadets to get out, but he couldn't make it. I'm so sorry, my dear." She drew in a shocked breath, and lapsed into silence. He wanted to scream, but couldn't seem to draw the breath. He felt like he was suffocating.
"No." The word was whispered, drawn through the tight lips of his wife. "He can't be dead." Finally, some air reached his lungs. He drew an experimental breath, then another calming one. He had to tend his wife now. After she was done, he could do his grieving, but in this one area she was the weak one. And he spent his time comforting her.
When they were quiet hours later, they sat together on the couch, remembering good times. "There was that time on Risa." Arys offered one of her own memories up to his inspection. He smiled. The smile never reached his eyes. He doubted if any smile ever would.
"I didn't think he paid much attention to any of us there. I guess I was wrong." Arys shook her head. "What do you mean?"
"It was another time. When we were dating. He and I spent a week on Risa. It was an amazing time. I learned quite a bit about Ferengi anatomy." She smiled.
"I didn't know the two of you dated." Jake stared at her, disbelieving.
"It wasn't a very open subject. It happened the year after you became admiral of the Eysu. You were so busy trying to figure out what and where to do everything that you lost track of the outside world for a while. Nog and I started dating, but about six months later decided that it couldn't work out between us and called it off. It wasn't difficult to do, and we remained the best of friends afterwards. I always felt really lucky to know him in that way. Despite the rumors, few people ever did."
Jake smiled. Quiet amusement replaced a bit of the grief he felt. He supposed that he should be upset at the thought of his wife knowing his best friend that way, but somehow he couldn't mind. Perhaps it was because it had happened before the two of them acknowledged their love, perhaps it was because of the fact that the two involved were Arys and Nog. No matter what way you put it, though, he only felt pleasure and relief at the thought. He knew that Nog had taken good care of Arys. And he was reminded of his first meeting with Arys.
*"That way, Nog can learn how to act when a lady is present."* If he had known then what he knew now, he would never have said that remark. But he had to smile at the witticism he had made. Arys murmured quietly, and Jake pulled her into his arms, drawing on the dregs of his strength to hold her together. Soon enough, she would do the same for him. His eyes drifted shut from exhaustion, then opened with shock.
"I saw your death, Nog." He whispered the words into the room, shivering. Instead of his usual activities of writing or thinking, he turned over so that his face pressed into the pillow and cried desperately, wanting Arys with him to comfort him as he had comforted her.
Jadzia paced outside of the room, unsure of whether to signal the door. Finally, she raised a hand, and the door opened before she could do more. She found herself looking straight at Benjamin, and she swallowed. Benjamin smiled, ushering her in with little more than a nod.
She settled on the couch, knowing it would be useless to flit about the room. Benjamin watched her for long moments before taking a seat himself. Finally, he spoke.
"I know why you're here. You wanted to say good-bye. I'm glad you did. I never got the chance to tell Jadzia good-bye before." The Trill glanced at him, confused.
"What do you mean, Ben? Surely at Lenzar's zhian'tara . . . " She trailed off, not wanting to say that she died. Benjamin nodded slowly, also reluctant.
"I know. You would expect to have said good-bye to me then, but I was away at the time. I couldn't watch, and besides, I had a fight to fight. We asked Phillips to host Curzon's body, and this time Eddington was Jeran. It was a good zhian'tara, Lenzar told me later. But I couldn't be there to witness it. Not again." Jadzia agreed quietly.
"Why not? I mean, I can understand that you couldn't, but why? I don't understand." Benjamin looked away.
"I missed you too much. I think I loved you a little. And when you died, it hurt me. I felt like you left me behind, once as Curzon and once as Jadzia. I didn't want to feel that way again, so I took off, fighting in the war rather than risking loving another host of Dax's."
Jadzia stood up, pacing around the room. Although she had understood the futility of it before, she had to do something. For a long time, Benjamin just let her, wanting to work out for himself all the reasons behind his fears. But after all of that was done, he stood up, going to the window she had finally rested in, and touching her shoulder softly. She turned at his touch, and the two were suddenly in each other's arms.
With a cry borne partly of sadness and partly of relief, her lips met his. The kiss lasted only a few seconds, although it seemed like minutes, hours. But Jadzia pulled back, touching her lips with her fingers, and Benjamin looked away in chagrin.
"That should not have happened, Old Man." Jadzia nodded, knowing that nothing she said now could make it right between them. She bowed her head rather than look in his eyes.
"I'm sorry, Ben. You're right. It shouldn't have happened. But I don't regret it. I may never get that opportunity in my timeline. Now I know what it feels like to kiss you. It's not much, but it will keep me. Less kept Curzon." A smile touched their lips, then moved up into their eyes. "Take care of yourself, Ben. And don't let Lenzar run all over you the way I did." She touched his chin once, then walked out of the room, and Benjamin realized that he never had said the word "good-bye."
Jake stared at the monitor, wondering what could possibly be important enough not to wait until after he went through the SubGate. But he sighed and looked at the helmsman. "Wait until my mark to open the SubGate. Comm, put the transmission through." Both positions nodded and set to work. Within moments, he was watching Arys' face.
"Jake, I thought you should know that there was a crisis in the shipyards today. Seven bodies were found near the sight of the bomb's blast. One of the seven was Ari, Jake." Arys' eyes filled with tears at the mention of her friend's death. Jake merely stared at her in shock, unable to comprehend the fact that another of his best friends were dead. Two now, within a month of each other. How could he deal with this?
"We're investigating the situation right now, Jake, and I should have some answers for you by the time you get home. Take care of yourself. I don't want you to die, too." Jake nodded.
"Sisko out." The transmission closed on Jake's end, leaving him alone with his thoughts. "Open the SubGate now, helm. We'll get this over with as soon as possible." The helmsman's fingers flew over the controls, keying in the commands and coordinates with surprising ease. When it was done with, Jake motioned for them to take the Kumsahmi through the opening. Five seconds into the trip, something happened. All Jake saw was a blinding white, and then . . .
He awoke, knowing that he had just died. Sweat poured down his face and body, making his pajamas sticky and wet. They clung to him as he moved out of the bed around the room.
"I'm dead. Arys, you were right. I died. I'm dead." It was a mantra. He repeated the words over and over without thought, huddling in a corner of his room. Nothing could help him now.
Odo walked through the Promenade of New Bajor, knowing that there was nothing left here for him. Quark had gone soft, and Kira was too tempting for him to remain here. When he looked around now, he saw the ravages of a war that had nearly destroyed the woman he loved. And he could not bear that. So he was leaving.
He approached the airlock, and saw a Bajoran standing in the tunnel, waiting. It took less than a moment to identify the Bajoran as Kira. "Colonel?" he called out, unsure of what to say. The woman turned to Odo, and walked up to him.
"Call me Nerys. Just once, say it. Please, Odo." Her dark eyes pleaded with him. He had never been able to tell her no, not even when it had been in their best interest. Especially not when she looked at him with those wide, empty eyes. The moment he looked into those, he was lost, without reason.
"N-nerys." The word was much more difficult to say than he had imagined it would be. In private, the word rolled off of his tongue with liquid grace. But now, faced with the reality, it was a choppy word, and he could not force his mouth to say it fluently. She touched his arm, the only good-bye she could give him, and walked off, satisfied. In the end, she had won. In that small word, he had admitted that he was helpless against his feelings, and that he loved her more than she would ever dream. It was enough, after all.
Benjamin looked up from the story he was reading, staring at his son with amazement. "This is impressive, Jake. How did you come up with the idea?" Jake smiled sadly.
"It came to me one night, and I haven't been able to leave it alone. It kind of took me over, wanting me to finish it." Benjamin smiled, not noticing how miserable his son was.
"Jake, I'm amazed. You've done a wonderful job with this. Now, you said that you had something to tell me after I read this." Jake nodded.
"Yeah. I wanted to let you know that I was going to take that fellowship to Pennington as soon as they have an opening. I need to get away from here. There's too much that reminds me of . . . that story." Jake paused, taking in his father's surprised face. "You do understand, don't you, Dad? I still love you. I just need to get away for a while." Benjamin nodded his agreement, not knowing quite what to say in the face of his son's declaration.
Finally, he spoke once more. "You'll do a great job, I'm sure, Jake. Make this old man proud of you. I know that you'll be one of the best." Jake smiled. Those words meant as much to him as Arys' praise in his dreams. And he knew that his father meant them with all of his heart. He couldn't bear to watch his father's face as he left the room. There was too much still to be said.
Dax and Odo looked around the airlock in wonder. The station seemed beautiful to them now, after seeing the way it had wilted in the future. Dax looked over at Odo and smiled. "Congratulations, Odo. You won. It was an alternate universe as near as they could tell. One of the scientists told me right before we left." But her eyes seemed haunted as she said the words.
Odo grunted a reply, having gone back to his gruff self the moment they had verified their exact position. Dax let it pass, knowing that the trip had affected him a lot more than she had ever dreamed he could be. She'd known he loved Kira, but it must have been hard, she thought, to leave behind a woman who loved him as much as he loved her. And she had no doubt that he loved her. But she also knew that this Kira needed him more than that one did, even if she would never admit it.
She remembered the greeting they had received from this universe. Unsuprisingly, Ben and Kira were both anxious. Kira had suggested to Odo that they spend time together that evening, but he told her to make plans with the First Minister, that he was tired. And Dax was sure that he was telling the truth. He was tired. He had to be. She was exhausted emotionally, and this trip had been even more difficult for him, he had no doubt.
Dax was startled to hear a cough at the end of the tunnel. She looked up, straight into the eyes of Benjamin and Jake Sisko. The Trill swallowed and held their gaze, not wanting to give anything away, although she could hear Lenzar's words in her head. *"Why don't you tell him how you feel?"* And she walked toward the captain of the station deliberately.
"Hello, Ben." Those were the only words she said, but suddenly she was engulfed in a pair of arms. Tears sprang to her eyes, and she smiled softly. "Sorry we got back so late. It was nothing special. I'll explain later." The three of them walked off, Jake listening to the two others talk and wondering about where they had been.
Odo, meanwhile, started to walk off in the other direction, only to be brought up short when he saw Kira walking with Shakaar down the corridor. As Shakaar looked up, a sad expression crossed his face. He nodded slightly at the changeling, though Kira didn't notice. She was chattering excitedly at her lover. Odo nodded back, then walked to his room. When he got there, he slid into a puddle on the floor, remembering the six words which always haunted him.
*"She'll never love you, you know . . ."*