Pretty Magical Soldier Knights SeeD
Part Two: The First Foes Revealed! The Battle To Save Dollet
(An opening credits sequence begins, featuring typically high quality animation that, if you pay attention, tells the plot of the entire show. If the show is running on TV Tokyo, odds are Megumi Hayashibara is singing the theme song, whether or not she's actually a seiyuu on the show.)
Selphie: YAAAY! Megumi does my voice!
Quistis (clears throat): Excuse me?
Selphie: Well, she's always doing hyper-energetic characters, right? And who in this story is more energetic and cute than me?
Quistis: She doesn't always do cute voices, you know.
Selphie: Oh, yeah? Name one!
Quistis: There's Faye Valentine from Cowboy Bebop.
Selphie: Darnit!
Rinoa: Uh, guys? Everybody reading this might not know that much about anime, you know?
Quistis: Don't worry-the only Japanese voice actress the writer knows anything about is Megumi. This'll be over soon.
Rinoa: Oh, okay!
(We fade into the main street of Dollet. Selphie, Rinoa, and Quistis walk down the street, having reverted to their default FF clothing)
Selphie: Well, here we are in Dollet!
Quistis (yawning): Wonderful
Selphie: Hey, don't you start, Quisty! We would have been here hours ago if you hadn't gotten started with the deck guns.
Quistis (defensively): That fishing trawler just leaped out in front of us!
Selphie: Uh-huh.
Quistis: We could have hit it! It was just a warning shot!
Selphie: You sank it, Quistis.
Quistis (sheepishly): Well, a few shots might have gone wild…
Selphie: Try six thousand, Quistis.
Quistis (looking to change the subject): Hey, what happened to those silly uniforms Ultimecia gave us?
Selphie: It's a new episode. We can't have a new episode without a transformation sequence
Quistis: Oh.
Rinoa (looking around): It's been so long since I came here.
Selphie: Come again?
Rinoa: I was thinking about that day me and Squall and Zell came to Dollet…Seifer was there too…
(A sudden realization crosses Selphie's face.)
Selphie: Hey, WAIT A MINUTE! You weren't here!
Rinoa (confused): Yes, I was. I didn't have a lot to say, but…
Selphie: That was the DEMO DISC! You had my spot!
Rinoa: Are you sure?
Selphie: Of course I am! You were on the demo disc, the only reason ANYBODY bought "Brave Fencer Musashi"! They added Quistis and me later! Had a soldier in Quistis' spot-not that you could tell the difference…
(Quistis bonks Selphie on the top of her head)
Selphie: OUCH! Meanie!
Quistis: Be quiet (looks around): Why does everyone have us go to Dollet? All kinds of fanfics have us going to Dollet.
Selphie: Yeah! Why not start up in Trabia! Trabia Garden RULES!
Rinoa: Probably because no one wants to freeze their @$$e$ off up there.
Selphie: WHAT!
Quistis: That reminds me, Selphie…Trabia Garden is in the middle of a snow field, right?
Selphie: So?
Quistis (pointing at Selphie's microdress and bare legs): Didn't you ever feel a draft?
Selphie (fuming): You don't want me to start about being cold, Miss Ice Queen.
Quistis: Would you like to taste my whip?
(Selphie and Rinoa make identical expressions of disgust.)
Rinoa: I'm not that type of girl!
Selphie (blushing): Well, not with another girl at any rate.
Quistis: OH, SHUT UP! (produces Save the Queen from nowhere). Prepare to eat chain whip!
(Carbuncle materializes between the girls.)
Quistis: Oh, what now?
(Carbuncle makes some cute noises and points down the street.)
Selphie: Is it the great evil that Ultimecia was talking about?
(Carbuncle shakes its head.)
Rinoa: Well, then what is it?
(Carbuncle produces from behind its back a cowboy hat, overcoat and a gun that suspiciously resembles a water gun. It puts the clothes on and, carrying the gun walks around.)
Selphie: Are you talking about Irvine?
(Carbuncle nods and jumps up and down.)
Selphie (face turning red from anger): What is he doing?
(Carbuncle hold up a sign that reads "Hey, baby-want a date?")
Selphie: OOH! WHERE IS HE!
(Carbuncle lets out a cute yelp and takes off down the street.)
Selphie: Follow that GF!
(Selphie breaks into a run, followed by Rinoa. After a while, Quistis sighs.)
Quistis: This is so silly…
(Quistis follows.)
(Meanwhile, in the lair of the Menace, we find the hapless Galbadian soldiers Biggs and Wedge:
the Menace is addressing them.)
Menace: Gentlemen. You have both suffered at the hands of SeeD…
Biggs: We've suffered, period. We got clobbered at the start of Final Fantasy VI, crushed in Final Fantasy VII, and we were frickin' comic relief in FF8…
Menace (taps a finger against his crystal ball). Gentlemen, I did not choose to grant you the power that you possess because you have the fortune of having your names in multiple Final Fantasy games.
Wedge (enthusiastically): Yeah, our power…hey, Major Biggs, check this out.
(Wedge raises his hands over his head, magical energy racing from his fingers. The energy hits a coffee table in the middle of a rather incongruous living room set the only furnishings visible.)
Biggs: Where'd that furniture come from?
Menace: Oh, that's a 2001: A Space Odyssey reference. The writer's a smart @$$.
(The table mutates into some kind of monster, with humanoid arms and legs and an almost elfin face: the body, however, remains a table.)
Wedge: Yes! I AM THE MAN!
Biggs: That thing's ridiculous!
Wedge: Now, look, the boss gave us the power to turn inanimate objects into monsters! It's a cool power!
Biggs: Who the hell is going to be scared of a killer table?
Wedge: It's all I had to work with! Hey, it works on Sailor Moon!
Biggs: WHEN? Name one "Monster of the Week" that didn't get nuked by Sailor Moon?
Wedge: Look, turning everyday objects into a threat that reflects the overall theme of the episode is a time hallowed tradition in magical girl anime-
(A blast of energy destroys the table monster.)
Menace: That's quite enough, gentlemen. The fourth wall is turning to paper-maiche here. Now, I want you to go to Dollet and destroy the Soldier Knights!
Wedge: Do we have to? That Selphie girl is so cute-and Quistis sure has a nice set of…
Biggs: YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH!
Wedge: But I'm just talkin' about Quistis…
Menace: Oh, for crying out loud-JUST KILL THEM! Or you'll be wishing you were back in FF7, all blocky polygons! (The Menace waves his hand and Biggs and Wedge disappear in a flash of light.)
Menace…Morons.
(Carbuncle leads the girls into a bar. Irvine is leaning against the bar, talking to a very pretty girl in a pink dress holding a basket of flowers.)
Selphie: AH-HA!
(Irvine screams like a little girl.)
Irvine: (breaking into a sweat): Selphie, baby, I was, was…just getting you some flowers, baby.
Quistis (to the flower girl): How did you get here before we did?
Flower Girl: How did I get into Final Fantasy Tactics?
(She leans over and hands Irvine a set of keys.)
Flower Girl: I'm in Room 210, stud. See you around.
(The flower girl walks out past the girls.)
Rinoa: Who does she think she is? I'm the ingenue in this world!
Quistis: At least you didn't die…unfortunately.
(Irvine tries to sneak out the fire exit.)
Selphie: OH NO YOU DON'T!
(She pulls out Strange Vision and smashes the bar in half)
Selphie: You don't wanna know where I'm gonna hit you with this…hey, STOP!
(Irvine flees out the door, Selphie chasing him.)
Quistis: We'd better go before she hurts him too much.
(They follow.)
(Outside, Selphie is taking pot shots at Irvine, barely missing. As they run around a corner, a bright flash of light separates her from Irvine. Not looking back, Irvine keeps running.)
Irvine: No offense, Selphie…hey, that flower girl said "Room 210", didn't she?
(Quistis and Rinoa catch up with Selphie as the light fades, revealing Biggs and Wedge.)
Quistis: What the heck do these guys want?
Selphie: Who cares! I'll kick their @$$e$ too!
Biggs: So, it's the Pretty Magical Soldier Knights…prepare to face our mighty wrath!
Rinoa: Mighty wrath…who writes their dialogue?
Quistis: Same clown that writes ours.
Wedge: It's time to face our revenge, girls-although I would rather ask you out for a date…
Selphie: Quistis! Here's your chance!
Rinoa: Yeah, you could start a new life now!
Quistis: THAT'S IT! THE HAMMER'S COMING DOWN!
Selphie: (tears forming in her eyes): Irvy…
Quistis: And cut that out! Your off-color references are keeping this thing from being rated "PG".
Biggs: It's time for you to pay!
(Biggs sends a magical zap over the girls heads-by some divine coincidence, it strikes the window display of a furniture store, turning a three piece living room set into monsters. Wedge falls over laughing.)
Wedge: BWA-HA-HA!!!
Biggs: SHUT UP! It was an accident!
(A couch monster, a love seat monster, and a recliner monster stalk the girls. Quistis tries a Firaga spell and it has no effect.)
Quistis: Darn it!
(Carbuncle appears again. From the gem on its forehead appears a projection of Ultimecia.)
Ultimecia: Soldier Knights! You must transform to defeat these monsters!
Selphie: YIPPEE!
Rinoa: I'll look so cute!
Quistis: (whimpering): I want to go home.
Selphie and Rinoa (shouting): MILDLY PROVACATIVE TRANSFORMATION-STOCK FOOTAGE!
Quistis (with the enthusiasm of a child getting ready for school) What they said….
(The stock footage rolls, leaving the girls in their uniforms. Biggs and Wedge are staring wide-eyed.)
Biggs (awed): Oh my gosh.
Wedge: I TOLD you Quistis had a nice set of…
Quistis: You SAW us!
Biggs: Oh, yes.
Wedge: Thank you, ma 'am.
Rinoa (blushing head to toe): But only Squall can see me like that.
Selphie: Or anyone who goes to Seifer's home page-just check the link that reads "Summer Love"
Rinoa: He said there was no film in the camera!
(The furniture monsters close in on the girls.)
Selphie: Let's see-we should have some silly magical attacks handy…oh, I got it!
(Selphie strikes a cute pose that reveals a decent amount of upper thigh.)
Selphie: ULTRA-KAWAII BOOYAKA BOMB!
(A blast of magical energy that is still somehow cute rushes towards the recliner monster, disintegrating it.)
Rinoa: Uh, let me try this…. PRETTY PRINCESS MAGIC KABOOM!
(A blue circle of energy surrounds the Love Seat monster, then turns into a column of power that destroys it.)
Quistis (pointing a finger at the couch monster): Bang.
(The couch monster explodes.)
Selphie: Quistis! You aren't getting into the spirit of it!
(Quistis whirls on Wedge and Biggs Save the Queen in her hands.)
Quistis: No one sees me naked, gentlemen!
Selphie: Ain't that the truth.
Biggs (waving his hands): Hold on a minute! I thought this was a Sailor Moon parody! They don't use weapons!
Quistis (with an evil grin on her face): This is also a Rayearth parody, boys, and they do use weapons! Prepare to taste my whip!
(Biggs and Wedge hug each other, shuddering in fear.)
Wedge: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
(Whip cracks and screams of pain, interspersed by Quistis laughing maniacally, fill the skies.)
Selphie (to Rinoa): You know, Quistis has some serious issues…
Rinoa: That was just a joke about Seifer's home page, right?
Selphie (smirking): Sure, Rhino, sure.
(Later, in the lair of the Menace, Biggs and Wedge stand in front of the Menace, wrapped in enough bandages to qualify for a mummy movie.)
Menace: Well that could have gone better. Clearly Ultimecia chose her " Soldier Knights" well…
or I chose idiots…
Female Voice (from the shadows): I would choose the latter.
(The Card Queen steps up to the Menace.)
Menace: Well, it is about time to introduce the evil female member of the team…although I'm not sure you qualify as "evil"
Card Queen: You haven't tried my side quest, have you? Shall I destroy these little girls for you?
Menace: Oh, why not.
(Quistis, Selphie, and Rinoa are driving a rental car outside of Dollet the next day. Selphie is driving.)
Selphie: I can't believe that Irvine told that stupid flower girl he was going to Deling City!
Quistis: I can't believe he still went by her room last night…. What a MORON!
Rinoa: Well, at least he's going to Deling City-I know all about the bars there so he should be easy to find.
Selphie: Rinoa, you're what, eighteen? How do you know a lot about bars in Deling City?
Rinoa: I was a very well developed fourteen-year-old.
Quistis (looking the very slim Rinoa over): It didn't last.
Rinoa: HEY!
(Carbuncle materializes in the middle of the road behind the car and watches them drive into the distance, still arguing, then, it lets out a cute little sigh, then follows them…)
To Be Continued….