Pretty Magical Soldier Knights SeeD
Part Three: A Trick of the Card! The Devastating Attack of the Card Queen!
(We find our heroines in Deling City, walking in circles through the city's confusing layout.)
Quistis: Hey, didn't we have a car at the end of the last part?
Selphie: Yeah, but you know how it goes, Quistis. You rent a car, you drive into the rental area, it automatically parks and you run out of the garage.
Quistis: That's a bit odd, isn't it?
Selphie: It makes the rental guys lots of money if you get too close to a city on the world map.
Rinoa (confusion in her voice): World Map?
Quistis: You know, that place where only one of us shows up at a time, the cities are tiny and the music is pretty bad?
Selphie (shuddering): Tell me about it.
Rinoa: I never see anything but Squall's back when we're outside of towns
Quistis (smirking): I am not touching that one, Rhino.
Rinoa: It's RINOA! And you're just jealous of my charms, Quistis!
Selphie: Yeah, everybody likes a girl who can convincingly say to you "Is that a Gunblade in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
Rinoa: Look who's talking, Selphie…you couldn't even keep Irvine on the ranch…
Selphie (stamping her feet): Meanie! It's not my fault that they didn't character design enough guys to go around so I had to take Irvine!
(The girls walk by the hotel, when suddenly Quistis stops, lost in thought.)
Selphie: Quistis? What's up…dreaming of that first special night with a boy?
Rinoa: And wishing it would finally happen?
Quistis (ignoring Rinoa): You know, it just occurred to me…Laguna had the hots for your mother, Julia, right, Rinoa?
Rinoa: Uh…yeah, right.
Quistis: And he also got married to Raine, who we all realized belatedly was Squall's mother.
(Rinoa stares in confusion at Quistis.)
Rinoa: Laguna is Squall's father?
Quistis (slapping her forehead in disbelief): YES! Didn't you know that?
Selphie: Jeez, what do you and Squall talk about at night?
Rinoa: He says stuff like "Roll over" and "I'm sorry" and "Next time it'll be better."
Quistis: I did NOT need to know that!
Selphie: You had a point, Quisty?
Quistis: Oh, yes. Well, it occurs to me that Laguna is a dog where women are concerned.
Selphie: DON'T BADMOUTH MY SIR LAGUNA!
Quistis: It's just an observation, Selphie…he is a bit haphazard in his relationships….
Selphie (fuming): Ooh…I didn't read every issue of Timber Maniacs just to hear you say bad things about Sir Laguna?
Rinoa: Why would ANYONE read every issue of Timber Maniacs? Next to "Occult Fan" that's the most useless item in the game?
(Selphie is about to defend herself when a blast of anime style powers zooms at them. All three girls avoid the attack, which nukes one of the ever-present buses on the streets of Deling City)
Quistis: Oh, what now?
Selphie: Never mind that. Energy attacks should move so fast that we can't even see them…how did we dodge that?
Quistis: For god's sake don't get physics involved in it, Selphie!
Rinoa (pointing): Look!
(Standing down the street is the darnest monster that you'll ever see. Its body is that of a triple triad card-a Buel card, in fact-while it has the typically elfin appearance of your basic Sailor Moon monster otherwise.)
Selphie: Oh you have got to be kidding me…another monster?
(Carbuncle appears, bouncing up and down.)
Quistis: Excuse me, but aren't you supposed to be our guide?
(Carbuncle works a nod into its cute capering.)
Quistis: Then shouldn't you be offering us haughty advice on how to defeat monsters and be better young women?
Rinoa: Yeah!
(Carbuncle holds up a sign that reads "Mokona" as the Card Monster rushes them.)
Selphie: You mean you aren't a send up of Luna, huh, you're a send up of Mokona! (snaps fingers.) I'm so smart and cute!
Quistis: One out of two ain't bad.
(The monster scatters the girls like ten pins in a series of freeze frames.)
Selphie: What was that? I couldn't move!
Quistis: Typically they put a lot of money into the first two episodes of an anime series, then lower the budget at episode three. Freeze frames save money.
Rinoa: Guess we need to transform again…Mildly Provocative Transformation-
(Quistis claps a hand over Rinoa's mouth.)
Quistis: Rhino! Remember Dollet! Those guys saw us without our clothes on!
(Quistis pulls Rinoa and Selphie towards an alleyway; the Card Monster watches, puzzled. From the shelter of the alley, the monster hears the girls, with varying levels of enthusiasm, shout their transformation phrase. Magical lights sparkle everywhere, and the girls, in full magical girl regalia, run out into the street.)
Selphie (looking down at herself): You know, my legs look killer in this outfit.
Quistis: Good thing for the standard magical girl figure enhancement
Selphie: Huh?
Quistis: You know, how a girl goes from skinny and little to all curvy and leggy and adult when she transforms? Good thing for you, chicken legs.
Selphie: WHAT!
Quistis: I saw your first FMV, Selphie. You don't have legs you have toothpicks!
Rinoa: Guys…there's a monster to fight….
Selphie (standing on her tiptoes so she can be eye to eye with Quistis): Take that back, Miss "Hides her thighs behind a really long skirt!"
Rinoa (shaking her head): Oh, to heck with it….
Quistis: Now LOOK-I have the best figure of any girl in the game-just look at my action figure!
Selphie: Oh, yeah, right-seen mine lately? Doesn't exactly lack for curves either….
(Rinoa turns towards the monster and strikes a cute as all get out pose, some sort of stock background footage involving angel wings running behind her)
Rinoa: Pretty Princess Magical Kaboom!
(The card monster explodes.)
Quistis (puzzled) What just happened behind you, Rinoa?
Rinoa: Oh, the leader of the magical girls, the princess, always gets special background footage for her attacks-you know, Sailor Moon and pictures of the moon, that sort of thing…
Selphie: Well, who made YOU the princess?!
Rinoa: The creators of Final Fantasy VIII-I am the romantic lead you know…now c'mon, let's find Irvine!
(Rinoa runs off.)
Quistis: I really hate her. Really.
Selphie: Especially when she's right, huh?
Quistis (sniffling): It's just that you got your big return to Trabia Garden scene and I didn't get anything…
Selphie: There, there. For what it's worth, you usually wind up with some hot guy that acts a lot like Squall in most other fanfics.
Quistis: Thanks. Let's go catch Rhino.
(From around the corner of a building, the Card Queen watches the girls leave.)
Card Queen: Well, they are powerful if not somewhat foolish…I'll need a plan to lure them in…. something they want…
(Irvine walks up from behind the Card Queen, a little drunk.)
Irvine: Hey, baby…you haven't seen a little girl with a big set of nunchuks and a homicidal attitude, have you? (looks the Card Queen over) Whoa…where have you been all my life, baby?
(The Card Queen smiles.)
(Several hours later, the girls, still in their magical guises, are still wandering the streets of Deling City.)
Rinoa: I can't believe that we haven't found Irvine yet!
Quistis: I can't believe how many bars that you got us into, Rinoa.
Selphie: I can't believe how much gil that guy was willing to pay you to use that whip on him, Quistis.
Quistis (fuming): Shut up, Selphie.
Rinoa: I told you I was popular around here, Quistis.
Quistis: Oh, yes. I always aspired to be known in every bar in a city before I was fifteen.
Rinoa: I was just acting out, Quistis. Daddy's rich little princess, ignored by her father…it was just a phase.
Selphie: And after that you let off steam by indulging in terrorism, right? "Dad hates me-I'm gonna blow up a bridge!"
Rinoa: My therapist said directing violence at the government was very therapeutic.
(The girls walk past a club called the Kit Kat Room, advertising "24 Hours A Day Stopless Dancers")
Quistis: You have got to be kidding me.
Selphie: No, the writer saw that sign in his hometown…you couldn't make that up.
(The man at the door sees the girls and waves.)
Doorman: Miss Rinoa! Welcome back!
(Rinoa turns bright red.)
Rinoa: Uh, er, hi…
Quistis: Rinoa…how does this guy know you?
Rinoa: I, uh, might have walked by here a few times…
Doorman: She's being too modest! This little lady was once the top attraction here! Every weekend for two years-
(Quistis and Selphie give Rinoa knowing glances.)
Rinoa: Look, it was just once…amateur's night….
Doorman: We called her "The Timber Rose."
Rinoa: Oh, okay, I'll admit it! The Forest Owls needed the money! How else do you think a complete bonehead like me got Zone and Watts to worship me? Please don't tell Squall!
Quistis: It'll cost you…
Rinoa: Performance royalties from "Eyes on Me"? I get 10% every time someone puts it on a Rinoa shrine!
Selphie: Deal!
(Before the girls can continue on their way, a bright light appears, heralding the arrival of the Card Queen.)
Selphie: Oh, great. It's that irritating side quest again
Quistis: No, I think that the Obel Lake quest surpasses it for sheer banality…(addresses the Card Queen.) Did you send that silly monster at us?
Card Queen: Of course! Now, Soldier Knights-surrender! Or face the consequences!
Selphie: Which are, exactly?
(The Card Queen waves a hand and an image of Irvine appears behind her, hands tied behind his back.)
Irvine (his words slurred): Hey…only Selphie can tie me up…
Selphie: IRVINE! GIMME GIMME GIMME!
Card Queen: If you surrender I will release him…
Selphie: GIMME! I wanna kick his butt!
Card Queen: Look, he's a hostage…you can expect me to release him so you can hurt him!
Quistis: You don't know Selphie…
Card Queen (producing a deck of Triple Triad cards): Well, FINE! All he did while I kidnapped him was hit on me! (The image of Irvine fades) Face my wrath!
Quistis: I should point out to you that I am the King of the Balamb Garden CC Group, and-
Rinoa: That always bothered me…why would any girl want to call herself "King"?
Selphie: Yeah, Quistis… we wouldn't be confused about our identity, would we?
Quistis: Now, LOOK! It's just a title….
Rinoa: You know, she doesn't have a boyfriend…always talking about my figure and your legs…
Quistis: AAAARRGGGHHHH!!!!
(Quistis whirls on the Card Queen.)
Quistis: YOU! I have a lot of stress to work off! Make some monsters or something!
Card Queen: Uh, OK….
(The Card Queen transforms a Doomtrain card, a Tri-point card, and a Turtapod card into monsters.)
Quistis: Now that's more like it…
(Quistis raises her hands over her head.)
Quistis: Here goes! MAGICAL SCHOOL'S IN SESSION! QUISTIS TREPE, INSTRUCTING!
Rinoa: That isn't much of an attack name.
Selphie: I think she's venting.
(Quistis uncorks an unholy amount of power at the monsters.)
Selphie: HEY! She gets the good limit breaks and the best magical girl stuff!
Rinoa: I think the writer's scared of her.
(Quistis' attack blows up all three monsters and half a city block.)
Quistis: Whoops…but man do I feel better…(smiles..) You're right, Rhino. Destruction can be very therapeutic.
Rinoa (nervously) Think nothing of it…
(The Card Queen emerges from the cloud of smoke coughing.)
Card Queen: You need to seek help, girlfriend.
Quistis (raising Save the Queen): Would you like to taste my whip?
(Before the Card Queen can answer, a dark shadow appears behind her. The girls go superdeformed again from panic.)
Selphie: Ouchies that hurts!
Rinoa: I'm especially cute superdeformed!
(Quistis decks Rinoa on general principle.)
Card Queen (looking up at the shadow.): Yes, lord?
Menace: This didn't work…I've already collected your foolish hostage, let's go…
Card Queen: I get to be in the next episode?
Menace: Of course! You hang around until either I sacrifice you selfishly to further my goals or you discover that I'm not in love with you! It's the fate of the female villain in magical girl anime!
Card Queen: Oh.
Menace (to the girls): If you wish to punish that oaf Irvine for his crimes personally, Miss Tilmitt, come to the Centra Ruins!
Selphie: Wow that sounds seriously final!
Menace (as he and the Card Queen vanish): The writer's trying to get this done in five parts.
Selphie and Quistis: Oh…
(The bad guys vanish completely)
(Carbuncle appears, a projection of Ultimecia appearing from its gemstone.)
Ultimecia: Soldier Knights! You have met at last our true enemy and….(looks down at Rinoa)
Why is Miss Heartilly unconscious again?
Quistis: She got on my bad side.
Selphie: That would presume you have a good side, Quistis.
Quistis: Do you want me to cut you out of the royalties, Selphie?
Selphie: Ooh, good point…what do we do know, Ultimecia?
Ultimecia: Well, Miss Trepe will doubtlessly have a lot of explaining to do for this damage, and Miss Heartilly will have to wake up…
(Quistis smirks.)
Ultimecia: And then you will have to journey to the Centra Ruins, to face the enemy for the fate of the world!
Selphie: The fate of the world…ah, I just remembered that there's a meeting of the Garden Festival Committee today and…
Ultimecia: Do not worry, Miss Tilmitt. Men only join the Committee because they think you're silly enough to go out with them if they help you.
Selphie: WHAT! THOSE GUYS! I'LL….
(In the Centra Ruins, the Menace addresses the Card Queen, Biggs, and Wedge; Irvine is chained to the wall.)
Irvine: C'mon, let me go…I gotta date…
Menace: That's quite enough out of you-Biggs, Wedge, I want you to go out and recruit every second banana bad guy, every random encounter soldier you can find! The Soldier Knights are coming, and I want their approach to be as irritating as possible.
Biggs: Enough random encounters can be irritating.
Wedge: Quistis is coming…(he swoons). Ah, Quistis….
Biggs: She broke every bone in your body and you still like her?
Wedge: Never underestimate the value of a nice set of…
Menace: You KNOW the writer won't let you say that! Now go, and prepare for their arrival! We're getting close to the end, and I want it to be perfect!
(Biggs and Wedge vanish.)
Menace: Soon, Ultimecia. Soon I'll defeat your foolish Soldier Knights…and then…
Irvine: Hey…I really need to get out of here!
Menace: Oh, SHUT UP, pastel cowboy….
(The Card Queen sighs as our episode comes to a close.)
To Be Continued….