Pretty Magical Soldier Knights SeeD Part Four:
The Beginning of the End: The Final Stand of the Soldier Knights
(Quistis, Selphie and Rinoa, in their magical girl regalia, appear outside of the Centra Ruins in a burst of glowing light)
Selphie (dizzy): Are we there yet?
Quistis: I sure hope so. This new teleporting power is a pain in the @$$.
Rinoa (puzzled): Uh, when did we learn to teleport?
Quistis: About the time the writer looked at a map of our world and realized how far the Centra Ruins were from Deling City.
Selphie: Yeah…he sure is in a hurry to get this done all of a sudden.
Quistis: He's already looking forward to Final Fantasy IX…I think he's got a crush on that Garnet girl.
(Selphie turns red with anger.)
Selphie (furious): Why that so and so! All those nights playing the game, telling me that he'd never felt this way, that he would never leave me, that he'd never met a girl quite like me…AAAAAHHH!!!! GRRRRRRRR!!!
Quistis: Welcome to the world of video game crushes. This year's crush is next year's "Who are you?"
Rinoa: Just ask Tifa Lockhart.
(Selphie explodes with rage.)
Selphie: He said I was the FIRST!
Quistis: Yeah, right. He's been falling for video game girls since the first time he played Street Fighter II.
Rinoa (knowingly): Chun-Li?
Quistis: Yup.
Selphie (swinging Strange Vision madly): Okay, first I kick Irvine's butt, then I go after this writer goof!
Rinoa: Um, Selphie, he's the writer of this…how exactly are you going to get him?
Selphie: His girlfriend has a Selphie shrine, and that gives me an inside track with her…do you hear me boy?
(The writer shudders with appropriate fear.)
Selphie: Good…now let's go girls!
(Selphie dashes over the hill, followed by Rinoa, who has difficulty navigating the slope in her high heels. Quistis looks over her shoulder and sighs.)
Quistis: I do so much better in his other fanfics…
(Quistis follows.)
(The girls are in the first area of the Centra Ruins. Thankfully no Tonberrys are around to attack them.)
Quistis (looking up): Where's the clock?
Selphie: I beg your pardon?
Quistis: You didn't come here on the Odin quest, did you?
Selphie: Hey, I've been here before! There's a picture of me jumping for joy on my web page!
Rinoa: There's also a picture of you modeling lingerie on there too.
(Quistis stares sidelong at Selphie.)
Selphie: What? I'll have you know that a very reputable photographer in Balamb took that!
Quistis: No wonder guys think that they'll get a shot at you if they join the Festival Committee.
Selphie: Do you know that someone built a shrine to you called "Mistress of the Whip?"
(Quistis fumes.)
Rinoa: Really?
Selphie: No, but I like yanking her chain.
(Before Quistis can respond, a burst of machine gun fire rakes the general area. The girls, superdeformed, dance up and down to avoid the bullets.)
Selphie: Why do bad guys always shoot at your feet?
Quistis: Would you rather they shoot you in the head then?
Selphie: That wouldn't bother Rhino here.
Rinoa (ignoring Selphie and Quistis and pointing up the next set of stairs.): Look!
(As good as the Menace's word, standing at the head of the stairs are literally dozens of random encounter characters-Galbadian soldiers, caterchipillers, Esthar soldiers, fungars, the whole nine yards. Standing behind them are Biggs and Wedge.)
Biggs: Soldier Knights! This time you don't face animated furniture!
Wedge (blushing, waving at Quistis): Hi, Miss Trepe!
Biggs: Will you STOP! (smacks Wedge upside of the head) Haven't you ever seen a naked girl before?
Wedge: Not since I used to go to this stopless dancer joint in Deling City…there was this one little hottie they called "the Timber Rose" that used to make me wish I was a pole…
Rinoa (ignoring the smiles and giggles from Quistis and Selphie): WE DON'T CARE! Prepare to be defeated, minions of evil!
(Quistis mouths "Minions of evil?" in disbelief)
Biggs (chuckling): How do you propose to do so, little lady?
Rinoa (pointing at Biggs and Wedge and striking a pose that Sailor Moon could envy): I may be a silly piece of fluff, but even I can see that your "army" is made of the same sort of low level goofs that we fought hundreds of times just to LEVEL UP!!!!
Quistis: Damn that was actually pretty bright, Rhino.
Selphie: Yeah, you nutbars! Couldn't go get a Malboro or a hexadragon, could you…went and recruited the loser's brigade!!!
Biggs (breaking out into a sweat): But…we're supposed to defeat you!
Quistis (laughing an evil laugh): Haven't you figured it out yet? You're the lowest rung on the ladder here…you're expendable! If this was a serious fanfic we would have killed you by now! You're the black ninjas…the guys from Star Trek in the red shirts! Cannon fodder!
Biggs (completely flustered): We'll-we'll see…GET THEM!
(The random encounter army charges)
Selphie (striking her cute yet sexy attack pose): ULTRA-KAWAII BOOYAKA BOMB!!!!
(The left third of the army goes up in flames.)
Rinoa (also in attack pose): PRETTY PRINCESS MAGICAL KABOOM!!!
(The right third of the army goes up.)
Quistis (standing with a thoughtful expression on her face.) Uh, um…I'll name it later.
(Quistis waves an arm and the center part of the army is no more.)
(Biggs and Wedge stare dumbfounded at the girls.)
Wedge: Well, NOW what, Einstein?
Biggs: We still have our ludicrous power to turn inanimate objects into pointless monsters-this isn't over yet!
Quistis (to the other girls): I'll distract them. You guys nail them when I have their attention…(calls seductively to Biggs and Wedge.) Oh…boys?
Biggs: WHAT!!!
(Quistis transforms back to normal.)
Biggs (in awe): Oh…my…gawd…
Wedge: See what I mean…she's a goddess!
Biggs: You're right, Wedge…she does have a nice set of-
Quistis: Now, girls!
(Rinoa and Selphie unleash their attacks, blowing Biggs and Wedge sky-high.)
Rinoa (looking up, her hand shielding her eyes): Wow, hang time.
Selphie: Betcha Wedge goes higher.
Rinoa: Twenty gil!
Selphie: You're on!
(Both men fly the same height, then crash back to the ground, bouncing down the stairs until they lay at Quistis' feet, covered in soot and quivering.)
Selphie: Figures they'd even mess up our bet.
Quistis (scornfully): Perverts. (cracks Save the Queen) Prepare to taste my whip!
(Screaming in terror, Biggs and Wedge get up and run away.)
Rinoa: There goes your last chance for love.
(Quistis transforms back into her magical girl get up.)
Quistis: I'll deck you later, Rinoa.
Rinoa: I'm free this Saturday.
Selphie: And they say I'm the ditz….
(Upstairs, the Menace watches as the girls continue on their way in his crystal ball.)
Irvine: (from where he's imprisoned) Wow…Quistis sure looks killer naked…
Menace: You must want every girl in the game to kick you in the groin.
Irvine: Not particularly, no. Selphie likes a little pain but not that much.
Menace: At this rate no one will ever look at Selphie the same way again. (Addresses the Card Queen). It's your turn.
Card Queen (haughtily): I don't love you you know.
Menace: What?
Card Queen: I don't love you…so I don't have to suffer the fate of the female villain in all magical girl anime.
Menace: How about this…do as I say or you'll spend the rest of your days powerless in a pit with the pastel cowboy!
Irvine: Groovy!
Card Queen: You drive a hard bargain (teleports away)
Menace (shaking his head): What am I doing here?
(In the next area of the ruins, the girls suddenly encounter the Card Queen.)
Quistis: You again? Didn't you learn your lesson in Deling City?
Selphie: You need to instruct her some more, Instructor Trepe…(snickers)…Miss Trepe, I've been SO bad…instruct me!
Quistis: Just because I haven't kicked your @$$ doesn't mean I can't Selphie.
Card Queen: You three are SO doomed now!
Selphie: Right, sure…what are you going to do, make more card monsters?
Card Queen: Not exactly…
(The Card Queen raises her hands and blue sparks arc everywhere, finally centering on Rinoa. With a considerable ZAP, Rinoa is transformed into a Triple Triad Card.)
Quistis: I've already got her in my deck!
Selphie: AHH! She's flat and two-dimensional…. actually, it's hard to tell the difference.
Card Queen: Who's next?
(Selphie and Quistis point at each other)
Card Queen: That's hilarious….
Quistis: Got to use the old standards sometimes.
Card Queen (building her power) I hope you're ready for this.
Selphie: What if we aren't?
Card Queen: Then you aren't.
Selphie: Didn't think that would work.
Quistis (bending over and picking up Rinoa's card, er, Rinoa): I hope this works…
(The Card Queen unleashes her power at them. Focusing her magic, Quistis sends a bolt of force from Rinoa's card…you know!…at the Card Queen. The bolt tears through the Card Queen's power and smashes into her, turning HER into a card.)
Card Queen (voice muffled): Well, this rots…
Rinoa (materializing from the card.): How you do that?
Quistis: Saw it on an anime once.
Selphie: Card Captor Sakura? Wonder why the writer didn't make that joke the last time?
Quistis: "Cardcaptors" hadn't come on Kid's WB yet.
Selphie: I wish I was on that show! Sakura gets a different cute outfit every episode!
Quistis: And legions of adult Japanese men obsessing over her online.
Selphie: And this is different from my current situation…?
(Rinoa opens her mouth to say something.)
Selphie: Don't say a word, Rhino.
(Upstairs, with the Menace)
Menace: Well, it's true then…I shall have to deal with them myself. Guess I shouldn't have trusted those MORONS…
Irvine: Well why did you then?
Menace: I'm the villain…there are so many rules for the villain.
Irvine: Must suck…
Menace: Yeah, but now I'm going to cheat!
(The girls reach the area with the combination lock door. Carbuncle appears in front of them; Ultimecia projected from the jewel.)
Ultimecia: The final battle draws near, Soldier Knights…are you ready?
Quistis: I hope so. The writer can get back to his serious fanfics after this.
Selphie: uh, remember that his girl has a Selphie shrine…
Quistis: So?
Selphie: So his next one will be about ME!
(Quistis fumes.)
Ultimecia (indicating the door with a wave of her hand.): Fanfics later…the Menace awaits you!
(The door opens with a creaking sound of it's own accord)
Rinoa: I hate when that happens.
Selphie: Yeah, it's so trite…he should know better…(chides the writer with a wave of her hand.)
(Quistis, Selphie, and Rinoa enter the room beyond. They quickly see Irvine pinned to the wall and the ruins of the living room set destroyed in Part 2 and a throne with a shadowed figure sitting on it.)
Irvine: Selphie baby!
Selphie: Irvine! You stay right there! I'm gonna kick you in the balls later!
Irvine: Oh c'mon, baby, gimme a chance…
Selphie: Oh, I'll give you a chance all right-I'll give you a chance to experience life with swollen nads!
Irvine: Think I'll pass…
Quistis: You there! We've come here to kick @$$ and chew bubble gum and I don't have any bubble gum!
Rinoa: I do-wanna piece? (holds up a piece of gum.)
(Quistis shakes her head in despair.)
Menace (laughing deeply): So, Ultimecia's Soldier Knights have reached me…well, fine, I can deal with you personally!
(The Menace stands and walks into the light. In a frightening lack of imagination, he turns out to be…..)
Rinoa and Selphie: SEPHIROTH!!!!
Quistis: Hubba hubba! (drools) What a hottie!
Sephiroth: Uh… excuse me Miss Trepe, but I intend to kill you now…
Quistis: Can't fault a girl for dreaming…gosh he's a stud….
Rinoa: Now she gets lovesick…great timing Quisty.
Sephiroth (swinging Murasame in the air): So, which one of you wants to be impaled on my blade first?
Selphie (to Quistis): Do not even think it, girlfriend…
To be concluded…
(Author's note: Sorry it's been a bit, but I had a little FF burnout and had to get away for a bit…hope you enjoy it!)