Pretty Magical Soldier Knights SeeD
Part 5: The Fallen Angel! The Battle against Sephiroth!
(The girls stare at Sephiroth in amazement and in Quistis' case, a bit of awe.)
Quistis: You-a stud like you-are the villain?
Sephiroth: Yes, Miss Trepe. And while I appreciate your admiration, I am above simple needs.
Selphie: Plus most of the time he's in fanfics they're yaoi ones.
Quistis (frowning): You're kidding me.
Selphie: Nope…I mean look at him. All that long white hair, the feminine features, the beautiful green eyes…he's practically got "bishonen boy" written all over him.
Rinoa (puzzled): What does "yaoi" mean?
(Selphie whispers something in Rinoa's ear; she promptly gasps in shock and points at Sephiroth.)
Rinoa: You mean him…with other, y'know…guys?
Sephiroth: I told you I am above such simple needs Miss Heartilly…
Selphie: They write 'em about Squall and Seifer too you know.
Rinoa: My sweetie Squall?! He'd never do something like that with a man…would he?
Quistis: Having some doubts about him, Rhino?
Rinoa (thinking about it): No…though that would explain why he prefers me to get on my knees and-
Sephiroth: NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR THAT!!!! (points Masamune at her) I've have killed ingenues before, Miss Heartilly. I'm prepared to do it again.
Quistis: So, whether or not you fit the yaoi story qualifications or not, you could care less that I'd sell my soul to get you alone for an hour?
Sephiroth: This…is decidedly out of character for you, Miss Trepe.
Selphie: We've badgered her about her love life for the whole of this fanfic. She's probably just acting out.
Sephiroth: I see we will not be able to battle until I resolve this…Miss Trepe, the only thing female I care about is my mother, Jenova.
(All three girls make expressions of disgust.)
Quistis: You're sicker than I thought.
Rinoa: That's the nastiest thing I've ever heard.
Selphie: Stick to boys, you freak.
Sephiroth: THAT ISN'T WHAT I MEANT!!! (Slashes his throne in half with his sword.) My mother means a great deal to me!
Selphie: Momma's boy, then?
Rinoa: Yeah, probably spoiled rotten…she probably never let him play with other kids.
Selphie: She followed him to school every day and watched him in P.E. class.
Quistis: There's nothing sadder than a super villain that can't cut the apron strings.
Sephiroth: At least you'll be dead soon…prepare to die, Soldier Knights!!!
Quistis: Since you have decided to spurn my brief bout of lust, we shall defeat you…but first, tell us what your evil plan is!
Selphie: Yeah! You got to have some kind of evil scheme to take over the world that we're supposed to stop!
Rinoa: Yeah! You're the bad guy! You have to tell you-that's the rules!
Sephiroth: In fact, I do have a plan to take over your world…
(The girls lean forward, listening intently.)
Sephiroth: But I'm not going to tell you!
(The girls fall flat on their faces.)
Selphie: Say WHAT?!
Rinoa: You have to tell us! All villains are required by narrative law to explain their evil plots! Or else no one knows what it is!
Sephiroth: And you saw how far that got me last time! Letting Cloud and the others follow me, fill in all the pieces of the plot, even hang a great big rock in the sky that takes forever to land and serves as a hell of a warning…I did so great that time! In this world, I will not repeat my mistakes!
Selphie: He's got a point.
Sephiroth: That's right! When Ultimecia created you, I knew I had to destroy you before I could unleash my power on this world…so I decided to do that first and after you are dead, achieve dominance over your pale, sad world!
Rinoa: What do you mean, pale and sad! Our graphics dust yours-we're never all blocky polygons-and our ending dusts yours!
Quistis: Yeah! Tell him Rinoa!
Rinoa: Plus ours has the most beautiful love story…
Quistis: Shut up Rhino…
Sephiroth: The time has come for you to die! (Raises Masamune)
Selphie: I can't die until I kick Irvine in the nads…ULTRA-KAWAII BOOYAKA BOMB!!!
Irvine: I'm actually of mixed minds about that baby.
(Selphie's attack is easily deflected by Sephiroth.)
Rinoa: Let me try…PRETTY PRINCESS MAGICAL KABOOM!!!
(Sephiroth deflects that attack as well.)
Quistis: Well, let's try this then…
Sephiroth: I could do this all day girls…please continue.
Quistis: All righty then.
(Quistis cracks her whip, catching Sephiroth in the groin; he collapses in a heap.)
Sephiroth (groans): You…little…minx…
Selphie (pointing to Sephiroth): See that Irvine…it's your future!!!
(Irvine sweats.)
Quistis: Good idea for a change, Selphie.
Rinoa: Looks like Mr. "I'm Beyond Such Things" still has some human weaknesses.
Sephiroth (coughing): You…will pay for this, Quistis…
Quistis: I'll wait for you to stand up.
Sephiroth (getting to one knee): Oh, now you shall face the true Sephiroth…I'm skipping straight to my ultimate form!
Rinoa: Just like Squall…just hurries to the finish.
Quistis: Rinoa…oh, never mind…
(A brilliant light surrounds Sephiroth. When it fades, he has transformed into his Safer-Sephiroth form, complete with his kick butt end boss music.)
Selphie: Now that's some cool music!
(Sephiroth shrugs a wing at them, driving the girls off their feet.)
Quistis: Man, he's tough now…maybe I shouldn't have hit him in the groin
Rinoa: Oh, now you think of that!
(Sephiroth spends the next few minutes hurling most of his big attacks at the girls. Each one takes it's toll on the girls, and makes the Centra Ruins, well, even more ruined.)
Quistis (after ducking a particularly nasty attack.) We can't beat this guy…he's just too strong!
Selphie: Not to mention that the music is so loud that you can hardly hear yourself think
Rinoa (sniffling): I'm gonna die and Squall's never gonna see me in this pleated skirt.
Quistis: You mean he never made you put on a SeeD uniform and play Teacher and Pupil?
(Selphie and Rinoa stare wide eyed at Quistis.)
Selphie: There something you want to tell us before we die?
Quistis: No…of course not! Don't you ever fantasize about anything?
Rinoa: We get to act our fantasies out, silly.
Sephiroth: I hate to interrupt you girls but I'm trying to kill you…(lifts his one arm) Prepare for a humiliating end, Miss Trepe!
Quistis: He really took that personally, didn't he?
Irvine (shouting from the other side of the throne room): MOST GUYS DO!
(Sephiroth aims a blast of energy at Quistis. Thinking quickly, she grabs Rinoa and puts her in the path of the beam.)
Rinoa: Quistis! You little-
(The beam hits Rinoa and, shockingly, turns her into a frog.)
Quistis: Rinoa…you…you're a frog!
Selphie (snickering): The princess becomes a frog-oh, the irony…
Quistis: Maybe Squall can kiss her and make it all better.
Rinoa (in a squeaky voice): Oh, yeah…kiss THIS!!!
(Rinoa leaps out of Quistis' hands and delivers a Frog Jab to her nose. Instantly, Quistis turns into a frog. Sephiroth immediately cracks up.)
Sephiroth: I love it when things get surreal.
Quistis: I'm a FROG! What the hell is this?!
Selphie (bending over the two frogs): Now this is beyond cute…here froggy froggy froggy…
Quistis: Oh, f**k this!
(Quistis gives Selphie a Frog Jab in the shin, turning her into a frog. Sephiroth collapses to the ground in laughter.)
Selphie: Now I'm a frog! This sucks!
Rinoa: Hey, it's Quistis' fault…she pulled me in front of that beam so she could play "Teacher and Pupil" with Squall.
Selphie: You wanna dress Squall up in a pleated skirt?
Rinoa: And turn him into a PERVERT! That's it, Quisty…I've had it up to here with you pining after Squall like some kind of wounded puppy!
Quistis: What exactly are you going to do about it, Rhino?
Rinoa: I TOLD YOU MY NAME IS RINOA!!!
(Rinoa punches Quistis, which, in accordance to the Frog Jab attack, turns Quistis back to normal.)
Quistis: I'm back to normal! (Sees Sephiroth laying on the floor laughing). I've got it!
(Quistis snatches up both Selphie and Rinoa)
Quistis: Guys! HIT HIM!!!
(Quistis throws the two frogs at Sephiroth. At the last second, he sees them coming.)
Sephiroth: Aw, damnit…
(The two frogs hit him and turn him into a frog. Quistis runs over and picks him up.)
Quistis: You should have let me love you, stud…
(Quistis throws Sephiroth into the air and blasts him into a million pieces. Selphie and Rinoa turn back into normal.)
Selphie: That was…strangely anticlimatic. Yet appropriate for this silly fanfic. (sees Irvine still hanging from the wall.) Hi, Irvine sweetie!
(Irvine turns pale as Selphie walks over.)
Irvine: Baby, c'mon, let me explain, this isn't what you think it is!
Selphie: Sure it isn't (pulls back one booted foot).
(Rinoa and Quistis wince as a thudding sound comes to them.)
Selphie: That's for going to that flower girl's room! (kicks again) And that's for thinking I wouldn't check your calendar!
Rinoa: Actually, I was the one who told you about it, Selphie!
Selphie (without missing a beat): And that's for me owing Rhino one!
(In a burst of smoke and pyrotechnics, Ultimecia appears.)
Ultimecia: Soldier Knights! You have defeated Sephiroth and saved your world from his, er, ill defined menace!
Quistis: All part of the job, ma 'am. But…can I ask you a question?
Ultimecia: You may, Miss Trepe.
Quistis: Why did you decide to fight him, Ultimecia? It makes no sense.
Ultimecia: Let's call it a turf thing, girls.
Selphie: Come again?
Ultimecia: I'm the bad guy in this world. And no Johnny Come Lately from an earlier game in this series is going to come to my turf and get away with it!
Rinoa: So you just…just used us?
Ultimecia: Of course I did, you foolish girls! What kind of idiot fights an enemy if she can get someone else to do it for her! And I'll have those powers back now!
(Ultimecia waves her hand and all three girls revert to normal. Rinoa bursts into tears.)
Rinoa: I wanted Squall to see me in that!!!
Ultimecia: He saw enough of Miss Trepe dressed that way to last him a lifetime…farewell, "Soldier Knights"….HA HA HA!!!!
(Still laughing, Ultimecia fades away.)
Rinoa: You DID play "Teacher and Pupil" with my Squall, didn't you?!
Quistis: She meant how I wore a uniform as an Instructor…oh, never mind…
(Quistis decks Rinoa.)
(Several weeks later. The girls, not being able to teleport back, finally return to Balamb Garden.)
Quistis: Well, here we are…I hope you're happy about your little fun trip, Selphie
Selphie: I wonder if Irvine ever got down off that wall?
Quistis: If he did I doubt he'll ever walk right again.
Selphie: I got a bit carried away, didn't I?
Quistis: Five times is carried away. Thirty-five borders on attempted homicide.
Rinoa: Who cares! I have to see my perfect Squall! (Runs towards the dormitory section)
Selphie (looking sidelong at Quistis): You thinking what I'm thinking?
Quistis: I know the writer. There's bound to be a punch line waiting for her…let's go see what it is.
(Selphie and Quistis follow Rinoa to the room that she shares with Squall. Rinoa, tears of joy in her eyes, bursts into the room.)
Rinoa: Oh, Squall, baby…I'm HOME!!!!
(Squall is on his bed, the flower girl in his lap. His face is covered with lipstick kisses and his shirt is torn open.)
Rinoa: SQUALL! What…what are you doing!
(Squall leaps to her feet, the flower girl smiling a sultry smile.)
Squall: Rinoa! Baby! It's…it's not what it looks like!
Rinoa: Sure it isn't! (Advances on Squall, cocking her foot back)
(Selphie and Quistis wince.)
Quistis: Well, you know what they say…living well is the best revenge…
The End