Author: Demeter
Warning: Yaoi. To all the people who think yaoi's bad (for a lack of a better word), you're entitled to your opinion, but please do not infringe on mine. The same with the people who are currently wearing "Kill Relena!" T-shirts around. That is your opinion, so I respect that. However, if you wish to flame me please don't bother. It'll be met with laughs and derision. (Note the word FLAME. If you want to offer me constructive criticism, please go right ahead. I need help with my writing anyway! ^_^)
Disclaimer: All rights and privileges to Shin Kidousenki Gundam Wing are trademarks and property of Sunrise, Bandai, Sotsu Agency, and associated parties. All the characters belong to them, and all stories, relationships, ideas are fiction. They are not related to the original plot. The story, the relationships and original characters within the fic are copyright of the author Demeter.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I don't recall much now.
All those memories of Maxwell church seem hazy in my mind. I try to pull them back, try to tug on the fragile strings to bring them back to me.
But for some reason, Lady Past has refused to allow me access anymore.
In some ways I am sorrowful that I cannot see Solo or Father Maxwell or Sister Helen anymore.
In others, I am grateful I can no longer feel the flames lick at my face.
The fire, the death, everything I was preparing to let go, today, the day I would marry someone of my own. Someone who would look at me with love and adoration. Someone who would love me for being me. Not Duo Maxwell, the persona I had adopted over the war.
Not the maniac who laughed all the time.
Not the cheeky-grinned elf who everyone supposed me to be.
And especially not the tool all those fucking pilots used me as. A bouncy tool. Need a high? Go to Duo for an irritating comment. Need a laugh? Let's ask Duo for one of his many jokes. None of them tried to see beyond the thin veneer of insanity that constantly masked me.
Underneath was someone who cried for a person to take the whole package.
Then an uppity little princess appeared.
And I mean uppity. She was always whining for Heero this, and Heero that.
I despised her. She was taking Heero from me. Quatre liked her. Hell knows why, but he liked her. Trowa did too. Again, hell knows why. Wufei, in his common manner, told her exactly what he thought of her.
Fuck, I thought for sure that would discourage her from chasing us half-way across the blasted planet.
She didn't.
As we went from place to place, she followed. With almost a dogged perseverance. Wherever Heero was, she would be. Whenever we had a mission, she would unfailing pop up to discourage us from taking the mission or killing more people.
I started watching her.
Watching every step that she took. I convinced myself it was just for Heero. That I just wanted to keep her blood-thirsty hands off my Heero.
And then that day happened.
The day when we all came back with our hands bloodied, in more ways than one.
We were quiet, to the point of absolute silence. Even Quatre could not say anything comforting. All he could do was hug Trowa, sitting there like some damned soul.
Innocent Quatre.
I remember that all too clearly.
Then she showed up. All pretty in pink. Decked in pearls and the heady scent of strawberries. I remember clenching my fists and readying myself to launch myself at her. All she did was look at us silently. Then, as if in a dream, she took off her coat and started making coffee and tea. Really, sometimes I insist it was just a dream.
If it was just a dream then I wouldn't need to be surprised.
The coffee burned my fingers.
And she started humming and singing below her breath. I don't quite remember what the song was about, but the melody seared itself inside me. For some reason, I had always imagined her voice as shrill, shrieky, scratchy, and all together, annoying.
It was clear soprano. The tune was haunting and surpassed barriers. Whatever it was, I can no longer see, but the music stays in my ears. Quatre and Trowa fell asleep almost immediately. Wufei drifted off like a child, mumbling beneath his breath about women. Heero, surprisingly, succumbed to the sweet melody next.
I couldn't sleep. I could still see the dried blood staining my fingernails.
She started wiping my fingernails, giving me a manicure. Her soothing hum grew softer and after a while, I remember drifting off to her voice softly telling me to go to sleep.
All I can remember after that was the soft feel of a blanket being draped over me.
When we woke up, she was still there.
Smiling at us.
Us who had killed.
The little dove of pacifism smiled upon murderers.
Relena brought us soup and then, giving us all kisses on the cheeks, she left quietly.
I think my heart was lost when she stayed for us.
Years later, when I asked her to marry me, that brilliant smile of hers nearly knocked me over. I could ask for her hand so easily. I had always thought myself to fucked up for commitment. I guess because she never was repulsed by any part of me. She never encouraged me to be hyper and bouncy. Relena invited me to be dark, morose, and needy. She and I were alike. Always giving, never taking. I loved her patience through my period of mourning over Heero. Though she must have hurt just as much when that bastard left, all she thought of was me, trying to help me stand again.
But, she allowed me to wallow first in sadness.
She knew forcing me to stand was the worst thing someone could have done.
I had thought marrying Relena would keep the demons away. Marrying 'Lena would have fucked up any bad dreams that plagued me. Keeping and cherishing her as my own would make me whole again.
And of course, once again, Heero Yuy messed that up.
Where in the hell was 'Lena?
Fuck. This was not supposed to happen. Not on our wedding day. All those memories of her rushing through my head only intensified the need to find her.
Not on our wedding day.
Goddamn Heero for fucking this up. I can't believe he had the guts to even say what he said.
'If you go after her, you won't find me here anymore.'
Fuck him.
I can't believe those words came out of his mouth. Relena was my WIFE for chrissakes. I can't just abandon her because he suddenly decided he did have a libido and needed me to soothe it.
Fucking asshole.
He's gotta be kidding. Relena wanted to marry me, the legendary street rat from the slums. She was willing to sacrifice everything to marry me. Me. Not him. She accepted me for me. This is totally screwed up. He always showed affection toward her, never me. Where in the hell did this sudden lust come in?
On my wedding day.
On 'Lena's wedding day.
Fuck. Where was she?
Relena needs me.
She needs me like I need her at this fucking second.
And now, because of his stupid-ass mistakes, I have to pay for this. I can't handle this. I can't live without her. If I lose her, I'll die. Fuck, I swear to Jesus I'll die if I lose her.
I hate you Heero Yuy.
Not the in-the-heat-of-the-moment hate. But real, fucking hate. You stole two from me. Two innocent souls from me. You took two people who kept me from going on a killing rampage. Two who kept me from self-destructing like you.
Myself and Relena.
You weren't content with Relena? Had to come for me too?
Why couldn't you have loved jousan?
And left me in blissful ignorance?
I would have figured to the end that you loved 'Lena, not me.
And I wouldn't be stuck here running in the streets, in my damn suit, looking for my wife.
Shit, this just messes up my whole life.
"Lena, where in the hell are you."
Come on, please come out.
"Duo, it's not going to help Relena for you to go out like this."
Hilde.
"I gotta find her. Hilde, she's somewhere out there, crying her heart out, because suicidal spandex boy decides he finally got his head clear of the water."
"You did confess your own love."
"It ain't my fault."
"I know it isn't. I'm not blaming you."
I swung around. I wanted to hit someone. Hit someone badly. I tossed my fist out. Hilde caught it easily and twisted my arm like some big school yard bully. I had forgotten how strong she was. Too strong for me.
"Duo, you can't do this."
Relena, where was she? I needed her. I needed her.
"Relena will be back. She isn't the type to break so easily."
That broke me.
I whirled on her. "You have no idea what 'Lena's like. She's more fragile than any of us, even uni-bang Trowa. Just because she puts up a facade doesn't mean she's made of ice and stone. Hildey, all you were seeing was a mask. A well-made one, but a icy, stony, fucking mask."
Hilde regarded me quietly, her dark eyes compassionate. "Quatre's sent out the Maguanacs to search for her. You needn't worry over her too much. We'll find her."
I yanked myself away.
Hilde never did understand me.
"I don't care if they have the entire Preventer force looking for her. I'm finding 'Lena. She's my wife."
With that, I ran off, heedless of the loud cry from Hilde. I didn't look back, I couldn't afford to look back. Not to her. Not to that church. Not to Heero Yuy, the soldier from hell who was sent to torment me from heaven.
I remember 'Lena.
That's all I can remember now.
Even when Heero occupied my mind, she was always there, her image always seemed to mock me gently, telling me of things I would never understand in a million years.
Things that I would never comprehend in my lifetime.
Whenever she was there chasing Heero, my eyes unknowingly would follow her figure, regardless of the envy and jealousy that was constantly welling up in my throat at seeing her with Heero, and him not rebuffing her.
Regardless to say, I was a fucked-up individual for a couple of years.
I remember those days when Heero had left both of us, the days where she had walked around with that stiff half-smile on her lips, trying to hide disappointment and pain. I remember watching those lips of yours pale whenever anyone mentioned him. I remember falling apart and having you pull me together.
I remember gnawing jealousy that seemed to grow every second.
And I remember realizing why I was so fucking jealous.
'Lena, don't you have more faith in me than that?
I was nearly crushed by jealousy, seeing you talk to Heero at the wedding, and now, I'm no longer sure whether I was jealous OF you or FOR you. Why, 'Lena? Why in the hell did you run?
God in hell. Why did you not tell me that Heero loved me.
You could have been spared if you had just fucking told me everything that was hidden between us.
A wife and a husband shouldn't hide secrets.
I can't allow this to happen 'Lena.
Not again.
Not on our wedding day.
I'm going to find you.
Whether you want to be found or not.
~*~ FINIS ~*~
~*~ Part Two of Three ~*~
Another interesting part to the arc. *sigh* I know Duo's part feels slightly fragmented, but that's the way it's supposed to be. Duo is emotionally decimated at the moment. For some reason, THIS Duo was hard to write for.
Duo is an incredibly complex character, regardless of his outer appearance of idiocy. ~_^ No matter how "perfect" Heero is, he's more of a two or three faceted character. There are many masks that Duo wears, as does Relena.
The little scene with Relena was hard, harder than I thought. I was trying to be original in the way Relena could have saved those pilots from self-destructing then and there. And I remembered words from my Creative Writing teacher. "Simple is Best".
And it was. Relena didn't need to go into some impassioned speech about pacifism. She didn't need to stress that it wasn't there fault. What she need to do was to be there. To be there for them. To sing like a mother. None of them had mothers. Not Quatre. Not Duo. Not Wufei, Not Trowa. Not Heero. There are several basic instincts in women.
Motherly is one the most major ones. Generally (and I'm being very general), women do not lack this instinct. Relena has been smothered by "love" all her life. The only thing she can give that the pilots would ever need would be "love". They don't need money, wealth, standing, position, or any of the things other men around her wanted. All they craved was a bit of love.
Thus, this makes all the pilots, even Duo, introverted people. Relena was a basic extroverted personality. She was genuine in her affections, if not her love. Though I doubt she ever loved Heero Yuy (as much a fan I am of the couple), I feel she would love all the pilots as a mother hen loves her chicks. As a lioness is protective of her cubs. As a doe (remember Bambi) nourishes life to her fawn.
Relena does this and more.
For all the pilots, Relena is a relief. However, what Relena needs is NOT a person like Heero Yuy. She is someone who would crave constant affection and open love. I doubt a marriage between the two would have lasted long (though I adore lemons between them. I adore stories about them. I just don't really think they would actually get together in real life. But hey. This is fanfiction. No biggie)
Duo, however, would be someone who would laugh, cry, gobble, snarf, scowl and scorn with her. He has a wide range of emotions like her. He would protect her, yet allow her to feel free, because his own personality would not allow her to be smothered by too many guards or meetings. Heero would never, with his manner, be able to drop everything he was doing just to take her for a random walk in the park.
But Duo would.
Thanks for reading!
Demeter