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Would You Hire This Guy (part 2/?) ("Wolvie Claws")
Disclaimer: Don't own the X-men, Make no money, just for fun.
We wanted to do a story together so we decided to do this one.
We would like to thank Princess Artemis for her excellent drawing of 'Wolvie Claws' which you can view at
http://www.crosswinds.net/~princessartemis/images/dragon/illos/xmenxmas.html
"Are you sure that's all ya got? I mean aren't there any bodyguard jobs, or security jobs? How about secret agent stuff?" Logan said almost starting to plead with the woman.
"That's all I have at the moment. Take it or leave it," her reply was cold and a little sadistic.
"Ok. I guess I'll take the Santa job." Logan said as he raised his hands in defeat. "How hard could it be? You sit all day and talk to sweet little kids who look at you like some kind of God or somethin'" he added, trying to see the silver lining of the situation.
The woman just smiled a knowing grin and handed him the relevant papers to fill out. "You start immediately."
* * *
At a nearby mall
* * *
Logan took a seat in the immense throne like chair. He twisted a little in the large and overly hot red suit he had been given to wear. The outfit had been recently dry-cleaned but it still possessed smells that Logan easily and unhappily detected, yet that was small in comparison to his real fear for the day. That someone he knew might actually recognize him. That would be infinitely more unbearable than the smelly suit. But he figured that in this out
of the way mall he would not see any of his X-men friends.
A line of children and their mothers' was already starting to form waiting impatiently to talk to Santa.
The young lady about Jubilee's age who was dressed as an elf and who's job it was to hand out the candy canes came up to him and asked, "Are you ready for them Santa?"
A low growl escaped his throat as he said, " Ready as I'll ever be."
And so began Santa Logan's day in hell.
The first child was about 7 or 8 years old and was well behaved. It was his mother that was making him uncomfortable. She looked like the twin sister of Mimi from the Drew Carey show and was giving Logan the 'Wouldn't you like to know what I'm going to do to you' look. He carefully averted his gaze and hoped she wouldn't ask if she too could sit on his lap.
As soon as the child was done telling him what he wanted, the young elf working with him took the boy by the hand and led him to a bowl of candycanes. To Logan's horror, the mother was about to sit on his knee.
"Don't you have someone named Drew to harass darlin'"
The lady knew she had been insulted and grabbed her son and dragged him off down the mall.
'Close one,' thought Logan.
From that moment on, the day went downhill. Every baby he was forced to hold would scream bloody murder right into his super sensitive ears. All the while the happy mother saying "Shhh sweetie it's Santa."
Every child between the ages of 6 and 12 wanted a Playstation2 to which he began replying in a gruff manner "Santa can't get everything so get over it Bub!"
This usually resulted in more crying. Only one child ever came close to getting impaled. The kid who asked Santa for a Cyclops action figure so it could beat up his Wolverine action figure.
Logan replied "Well kid, you know now you're getting nothin".
Santa Logan's afternoon proceeded something like this. He was hit in the 'family jewels' on three separate occasions by over excited kids jumping into his lap.
There were two candy canes stuck into his real side burns and were going to have to be cut out when he got home. Every other mother wanted to sit on his lap and slip a small piece of paper with a phone number on it into his pocket. By 3 p.m. he had at least twenty numbers.
'Hey being Santa could be good for this ol' canuckleheads social life,' he thought
All this Logan endured, even when school was let out and all the teen-age girls started to dominate the line up. They were waiting to sit on the gorgeous Santa's knee. He sighed he would get through all this.
Then the nightmare began…
Logan spotted Scott and Jean in the line. All he could think of was 'shit, shit, shit'
He prayed that they didn't recognize him. He figured that Scott
and Jean were doing the usual of getting into the Christmas spirit by doing silly things like getting their picture with Santa.
'But why this mall!' Logan thought. 'Maybe they won't recognize me. Please, please, please don't recognize me.'
It was Scott and Jean's turn to get their picture. Jean said to Scott "You go first and don't forget to tell Santa what you want for Christmas." She was pushing the reluctant Scott forward.
"Ok I'll go. I can't believe you talked me into this Jean." He answered with a silly smile. It was obvious he felt a little silly but he loved Jean's playful nature and would do things like this for her.
"Hi Santa" Scott said as he sat on his knee and turned to face the camera, "am I too heavy?"
"Uh, no. Not at all," said Logan, but he was thinking 'you're lucky I have metal bones buddy."
"Oh that's good,"
"Aren't you a little big for this" Santa Logan said trying to disguise his voice.
"Yeah, well my wife thinks this is fun. I do too, I guess. I didn't get to do this kind of stuff when I was a kid." Scott answered with a guilty shrug. It was obvious he did like doing this stuff it was just easier to blame it on the wife.
Logan decided to play along, " So what do you want Santa to bring you?"
Cyclops said the first thing that popped into his head "I'd like that book called 'How to Win Friends and Influence People' I think it might be useful.
Logan refrained from saying one of the many things that was going through his head and told Scott to go get his candy cane from the elf.
'Ok one down and one to go' Logan thought as Jean approached. Scott hadn't recognized him, maybe he could fool Jean too.
Jean sauntered over to Logan and sat on his lap. As she lowered herself on to his lap, she wiggled her bum against his thigh, in an obviously seductive manner, catching Logan completely off guard. His voice croaked as he asked her, "So what would you like for Christmas little girl?"
"Well Santa I think I'd like…" Jean then put her lips up close to Logan's ear and covered them with her hand in the manner of someone telling a secret. As she spoke into his ear, Logan's eyes widened to an unnatural state and he began to visibly sweat.
He choked out a question "What flavor?" as Jean continued her spiel in his ear.
"Uhmm… does that require batteries?" he asked as he used the shirtsleeve to wipe his sweaty upper lip.
Jean sat straight with a huge grin on her face while Santa Logan just looked shocked. He had NEVER heard Jean talk like that.
"Well Santa will see what he can do…he will definitely need to go to a specialty store cause his elves don't make that stuff."
"Thanks Santa," Jean said seductively, wiggling in Logan's lap again, "by the way, is that my candy cane in your pocket?"
"No" Logan said a little embarrassed. "You get those from the elf over there."
Jean got up, but just before she left she turned and whispered again into Logan's ear, "You can't fool a telepath you know." And with that she turned and caught up with Scott.
Logan smiled at the thought of the little game she had just played with him. He knew she wouldn't give him away but he was still surprised at some of the stuff she came up with to say to him. He knew some of the things she suggested were illegal in about 10 different states.
* * *
In a rather fancy and very expensive jewelry store just across from where Logan was working two men were carefully examining the glittery items in the glass display.
"How about dis?" said Gambit, holding up a beautiful gold chain with a cross on it.
"She'll think you stole it," replied Bishop, looking absolutely bored.
Remy just shook his head, "How about dis?"
Bishop looked at the diamond necklace he was holding, " She'll think you stole it."
"You are not helping me here," said Remy, getting a little ticked off.
Remy walked around the jewelry store like he owned it. His eye fell onto an emerald ring.
"How about dat," he said, pointing to the ring.
Bishop walked over to the showcase of rings and scrutinized the ring.
"She'll think you want to marry her, but get mad at you because she'll think you stole it."
"Dat's it, I'm never going Christmas shopping for Roguey with you again, EVER!" Remy yelled, stomping out of the store.
Bishop smiled and whispered, "fine by me."
Logan looked over to the jewelry store, he knew that voice, ' oh no he thought'.
He watched Gambit and Bishop fight like an old married couple. His sensitive hearing told him that they were fighting over Bishop's reluctance to help Remy pick out Rogue's Christmas present
Logan chuckled at the memory of last year, Gambit had gotten her a fruitcake, because they had been fighting, he wanted to keep it simple. Well Rogue took it to mean that Gambit thought she was a fruitcake and not only did he wear the cake, she screamed at him for a week, till he got her a different gift. Logan felt tugging at his fake beard, so he turned his attention to the matter at
hand.
Remy was glaring at Bishop, " Ok Einstein, what'd you get Stormy?"
Bishop looked rather uncomfortable at the question, he decided to take the diplomatic approach.
" She is the only one I haven't purchased a gift for yet."
"For a guy who had his shopping done in August aren't you leaving it a little to de last minute?"
"I am at a loss for what to get her," said Bishop, looking at anything but Remy.
"Mon ami, you got it bad for her," said Remy, trying not to laugh.
"I do not. Ororo and I share a simple flirtation. That is all, at least it won't be a fruitcake," said an annoyed Bishop.
"Hey, at de time it seemed like a…," Remy paused, looking at the mall Santa.
Remy started to laugh so hard his eyes watered, Bishop just looked confused.
"What is so funny?" asked Bishop.
"Bish, does that Santa look familiar to you?" said Remy still laughing and pointing to the Santa.
"No, should it?"
"Yeah, it's Logan," Remy was holding his stomach now.
Bishop carefully looked the mall Santa over.
"I guess he's the right size but how can you tell?"
"One of de kids pulled his beard down and I saw his face."
"Why is he moonlighting as Santa?" asked Bishop.
"I don't know but I'm going to have fun with dis one," said Remy walking over to a young mother, with a child around 6 years old.
Bishop just watched Remy charm the lady into doing whatever he wanted. He thought he would just stand back and watch whatever Remy was up to, his 6'6 frame intimidated most people and he was tired of trying to explain why he had an M tattooed on his face. Besides Gambit looked odd enough for the both of them because he was wearing sunglasses in the mall.
Whatever Remy was doing was working, the young lady laughed at everything Remy said and every time he turned around she was checking out his butt. Bishop knew that Remy was aware that she was checking him out, but he was really going overboard with the turning around bit.
"Ok, sit back an' enjoy de show," said Gambit, walking back over to Bishop.
"Like that young lady did?" said Bishop, "What did you do?"
"Just watch," said Remy, standing around the corner to where Logan was sitting.
Logan paused and sniffed the air, he then scanned the area, searching for the source.
"I can smell 'em, but I can't see 'em."
Logan just shrugged and figured they had left. He motioned to the elf to bring on the next kid. The little boy was about six years old and looked very sweet.
Logan lifted him onto his lap, and he asked him what he wanted for Christmas. The kid just smiled sweetly at him, Logan didn't understand why he wasn't saying a word till he felt his lap get warm and wet all of a sudden.
Logan jumped up, grabbing the kid to make sure he didn't fall and bellowed, "that's it. I quit, ho, ho, ho Merry flamin' Christmas."
Logan looked down at his suit and growled when he saw that it looked like he was the one who wet himself. Logan stopped in his tracks when he heard laughing behind him. Logan went around the corner and saw Bishop smiling and Gambit doubled over laughing.
"Ho, ho, ho. Dat's not a nice t'ing to say about your last girlfriend, Logan," said Remy still laughing.
Logan just growled at them, "Don't you have some fruit cake to go buy Gumbo?"
"Shut up, at least I don't look like a short and fat version of Magneto," yelled Remy.
" If I recall correctly it was on your girlfriend's lists of turn ons," snarled Logan.
"Uh oh," whispered Bishop.
"Excuse me," said Gambit.
"You heard me Gumbo," snarled Logan.
Bishop grabbed Remy's jacket and pulled him away towards the door, saying, "This is not the place for a brawl."
Remy glared at Logan and said, "We'll finish dis later homme."
Remy then walked out of the mall with Bishop lagging behind him.
Logan looked at his watch, if he hurried he would be able to get to the Agency office before it closed. Doing the Full Monty had to be better than this and the lady did say there was good tips in it.
Logan shrugged his shoulders and grabbed his duffel bag from behind the Santa chair. Thank god he brought an extra set of clothes with him.
To be continued
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