Yellow, yet again

Look at the stars; look how they shine for you…and all the things you do…

Pacey arrived at the Potter B&B after dusk that night. His hair was messy, his eyes were a little bloodshot from his inability to sleep comfortably in Capeside. He had seen no point on changing his clothes or fixing up in any way. Pacey didn't see his looks having a big impact on the current situation, anyway. He stared at Joey's window from inside his warm, comfortable car. It was always a temptation for him to leave without saying a word, and never return or explain himself. All Pacey had to do was hit reverse and take off back to Boston. He was comfortable with his life now. Did he really need to have this "crucial" talk with Joey? His heart sank at the thought of having to lose her again, this time without any question as to whether they would be reunited…and that is what terrified him the most. Although it exhausted him to be near her, he realized how desperately he had missed her since he had forced her out of his life. There was a constant rush of conflicting feelings that flowed through him as he thought of Joey.

He sighed, once again hesitating to see her again. Joey was incredibly easy to talk to and he was afraid of saying more than he wanted. He didn't want her to know how much he was still hurting and how deeply that hurt ran through his veins. Pacey laughed at his infantile behavior of sitting in the car, afraid to go to the door, like a child waiting for his punishment. Pacey stepped out of the car and took in all of the sights around him as he made his way to the front door. The place looked exactly the same. He mused over the days when he would come see Joey whenever possible. They would simply lounge around together, elated with each other and their growing relationship. His smile quickly faded as he gave in to the thought that those days were only in the past, never to return.

He knocked lightly on the front door of the B&B, hoping it would buy him some time to contemplate what he was going to say to Joey about—"Pacey, hi. Thanks for stopping by." Joey's face looked eager as she ushered him up the stairs, into her bedroom, without giving him a chance to acknowledge Bessie in the hallway. Joey had changed into a casual t-shirt and khaki's. She could look mind-blowing in anything. Joey shut the bedroom door and promptly sat on her bed. This scene was all too familiar to Pacey, as he evoked the memory of his first trip to New York to see Joey. "I think I'll just sit over here." He pulled out the chair to her desk and sat down. His uneasiness was apparent as he continued to fidget in the chair. They sat silently for a few moments, both preoccupied with their own thoughts. "So, Pace, it's good to see you…how have you been?" Pacey's face frowned as he considered what a sad state they had come to. Look at us; we can't even have a normal conversation without acting like new acquaintances. "Good, Potter. Everything's going pretty good. How have you been?" The awkwardness escalated, as Joey's face flushed with frustration at how astonishingly uncomfortable they were. She stared at the floor as she replied, "Good."

Again, the silence. It was killing Pacey as his mind went completely blank as to what his next words should be. This was worse than he ever imagined. Joey broke the stifling silence. "Can we talk freely to each other right now, because this is just too awkward and I…well, I know you too well to be so prohibited by whatever issues are between us. I'm literally sick to my stomach with how things are between us, Pace. I can't and I don't understand how we got to this point, but we have to talk about it. We have to get everything out before…before it's too late. Before we stop caring if we fix this or not." Joey's face fell as her bottom lip began to tremble. She rubbed her eyes, forcing herself to keep from crying. She didn't want to look so weak in front of him.

Pacey exhaled loudly as he listened to her. He never raised his eyes from the floor, afraid to see the distress in her eyes. He knew he had put the entire blame of their relationship breaking down on Joey; but seeing her here, seeing how hurt she still was after all this time, he could no longer deny his responsibility of how things have turned out. "You're right, Joe. We need to fix this. I honestly don't want you to have to deal with this any more…" Pacey stopped himself from saying something he should have said a long time ago. Pacey scolded himself internally for not finishing his sentence. He carefully looked into Joey's eyes and quietly spoke to her. " I'm sorry. I'm sorry I left you there in New York with no word of where I was going or why. I'm sorry I ran away from our problems and left you to deal with everything on your own…" the words began to flow freely out of Pacey's mouth, as he could no longer control himself, "I'm sorry I denied myself the opportunity to see you since that day. I never meant to take things that far, I …I'm sorry, Joe." Pacey turned his back to her, not wanting her to see the heartache and pain in his face and in his eyes as he blurted out words he had wanted to say to her for so long. He leaned over and put his hand on his chest to stop the unbearable aching of his heart.

Joey didn't make a move. She craved to reach out to him and embrace him. She had missed his touch severely, but she was afraid. She wanted them to get everything out tonight, and she was afraid if she went to him …then things would go unsaid and these issues would never go away. A tear slid down Joey's left cheek as she lingered in the quiet of the moment, gathering her emotions together. She forced herself to wait to reach out to him.

"Pacey, please understand that, yes, I was angry, upset, frustrated and everything else that day. I honestly didn't understand why you would leave me without a word." Joey stood and walked away from Pacey, towards her window. She gazed out the window at the intense stars. "I remember on the bus ride to Capeside, I had become so angry with you that I promised myself I would never let you hurt me again. That was it. Our relationship was over as far as I was concerned. I had gone to Capeside only to tell you to your face that it was over. But, as the bus drove me back to New York, after spending a weekend so furious with you for not being there, I finally realized that you had already decided that very thing. The day you left, something must have snapped and you must have decided you weren't going to let me hurt you any more. And then…I couldn't be angry with you over why you left my dorm. I started to think about everything that had occurred leading up to that moment and I stopped blaming you. I hated how you left, but I didn't hate you for leaving."

Joey's words moved Pacey to a deeper compassion towards her. He stood and slowly walked to where Joey was quietly standing. Pacey took notice of how her soft, golden brown hair lay on her shoulders. He wished that he could touch her---but he stopped himself just before he reached her. Instead, Pacey stood without making a sound, simply staring at her. Joey closed her eyes and pictured herself touching Pacey's face and holding him in a tender embrace…she pictured Pacey returning the strong grip she had on him. She opened her eyes and prayed that he would say something. Anything. She just wanted to hear the sound of his voice…he was so close to her. She felt the warmth from his body against her bare skin. "Joe, I sincerely hope you can forgive me for walking out of your life. At the time, I felt completely out of control and I couldn't help but feel constantly in your way, or holding you back from something better…than me. It wasn't you that forced me to leave; I was the reason I left. I didn't want you to be stuck with some guy who worked at McDonald's, or somewhere equally as credible, when you deserve so much more than that. Please, just don't blame yourself for my mistakes…" Joey turned to face Pacey, surprised to see a light tear fall down his cheek. He immediately turned away and walked back to his chair at the desk. "I realize I have been wasting angry emotions and blaming you for the past year and half…when the entire time, it was me that caused all of this. I'm sorry, Joe. I honestly am sorry." Joey felt a sense of overwhelming relief, as she understood what has really been happening between the two of them all this time.

Joey walked to him, but before she could get to him, he picked up his coat and made for the bedroom door. "Pacey, where are you going?" Pacey stopped and faced Joey. "Don't run away from me, Pace. I need you to stay, please." Pacey's eyes were piercing hers as he meekly replied, "Joe, I can't do this again. Don't you understand that nothing has changed this entire time we've been apart. I thought things had finally changed but now I have come to a realization that it hasn't. I am still the same ambitionless person and you are still in college with a future and so much potential. I am going nowhere…I can't bring myself to burden you with that any more. It's time to just give all of this up and move on with our lives…" his eyes and heart softened with his next words, " Joey, we have to give up on this."

Again, Pacey reached for the door handle, when Joey's voice stopped him. "Pacey, I won't let you walk out on me again. Who even knows what is going on right now, but if you leave now, it will never be over. We will always be dealing with the what-ifs or second guessing ourselves, if you walk out that door." The tears began streaming down Joey's face as she pleaded with him, "Stay, Pacey. It's not fair for you to keep running away and making decisions for the both of us." Joey wiped the tears from her eyes and her voice toughened up. "How about I make a decision for the both of us. You're not leaving. And you're not going to decide my future or how I should or should not feel about you. Or whether I should be with someone like you…someone who I think is funny, talented, and extremely intelligent." She made her way towards Pacey and when she reached him, their eyes were aligned perfectly. She gently touched his face and softly kissed his cheek. She looked away from his penetrating eyes, at the floor. Pacey reached out and brushed away a piece of her hair that was touching her mouth. Before Joey looked up at him, she faintly whispered, "I still love you. Even if you don't want to be with me, or you think we shouldn't be together, I still love you." With that said, and without looking back into his eyes, she began to turn her back to him, and walk towards the window again. Pacey took hold of Joey's hand and pulled her to him. He slid his hands around her face and gently kissed her with his soft lips. Joey suddenly wrapped her arms around his neck and proceeded to hug him with all of her strength. To her enjoyment, he returned her warm embrace. A slight whisper was heard in Joey's ear as they continued to hold close. "I never stopped loving you, Joe. Never."