*~Erin, Chapter 6~*
by Heather Rebecca "Goldbug"
I groaned. It just was so hard to even get out of bed when there was no Remus. I couldn't look forward to seeing him at breakfast, because he wouldn't be there. How horrible. I rolled out of bed, threw my hair up in an unidentifiable hairdo, and put on something that came from my dresser. I didn't have to start modeling for another week, so I definitely wasn't getting all dolled up. I just walked slowly to breakfast. My first breakfast at home for the summer, I could not stand it. I missed Remus terribly. I didn't care what we were eating, I just wanted Remus there with me. I wanted to kiss him, hold his hand, and hug him. To sit next to him, talk to him, and just love him in general. I ate a tiny bit, but then started feeling sick, probably because I missed Remus so much. I couldn't eat another bite, so I wandered off to my room and got back in bed.
"Erin, get up! It's lunch time!" I rolled over in my bed and tried not to hear my mother. "Erin! Come here!" I ignored her. I wasn't getting up for something I wouldn't be able to eat.
"Mum, I feel sick. I'm just going to skip it, okay? I'll be better sometime."
"Okay, do you need anything? A glass of water?"
"Mum, I'll be FINE! Just let me sleep." And so she did.
I yawned. I glanced at the clock to see what time it was. Midnight! Whoa! I'd slept so long, and hadn't eaten hardly anything today. But it didn't matter. All that mattered was that Remus wasn't here. Then I remembered that Karen and Meghan were also not with me, and I missed them too. It was all so sad, that I just burst out crying, yes, at midnight. At least nobody would hear me. I decided I needed to write some letters. Boy, would they think I'm silly for missing them all so badly so soon. Only my second night at home, and I'm crying because I miss them so bad. Wow. I took out some stationary and composed a letter first to Remus, because I missed him the most.
Dearest Remus,
I miss you so much. I can't even describe it to you. I don't know how to live without you. I can't even eat without missing you too much, because I'm not sitting next to you, and I always used to sit next to you. Boy, I guess I can't handle changes.
I went on to tell him everything I could think of, and finished finally after I wrote almost everything I knew. It must have been the world's longest letter ever written. I set it on the table so that I could write the other letters. After writing letters to my two best female friends, I strapped them all (had quite a hard time strapping on Remus' thick bundle of a letter) on to our family owl's leg, and told it to go. I probably could have worded it more elegantly, but it being an owl, I didn't care. I looked out the window. It was a full moon. I just wanted to go outside and catch the moonbeams, but I wasn't allowed out on full moon nights. It was stupid, they locked me in like an animal. Very stupid. I loved the moon, and I want to sit in a tree with the moonlight softly beaming on the night world around me. But of course, I couldn't.
Eventually, I went to sleep, and eventually, I woke up again, still unable to eat anything. My mom was getting worried, but I told her I would be fine. Mom then had to go to work, but promised she'd go grocery shopping before she came home just in case anything she brought home was appetizing. I groaned but said okay. She told me where everything was, in case it changed over the year (which it hadn't) and told me I could have anything I wanted for lunch. She must have been really worried, because she left money for pizza or anything else I wanted to eat by the phone along with the nearest pizza place's number. I sighed and trudged back to bed.
Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap...
I awoke to my owl tapping on my window. I rubbed my eyes, opened the window, and practically tripped my owl to get the letter off. I was so excited when I read Remus' handwriting that I nearly fell off my bed. I started talking to my owl. I went absolutely crazy. And then I decided to read the letter.
Dear Erin,
I am very tired. I was up all night last night. I read you letter it was great I am so tired oh I will write later bye. Good night or morning whatever it is.
Remus
I giggled and scribbled him another note. I told him how silly it was of him to stay up all night, and how I missed him so, and how I just wanted to see him. I asked him if we could meet during the summer, and then I strapped it on my owl and let it go get refreshed and then sent it out my window.
I realized, suddenly, that I wasn't just not hungry. I couldn't have been sick to my stomach for the past three days. I had an eating disorder, and I had no idea what to do about it. As I liked to do with my problems often, I put it in the back of my head and went outside to enjoy nature. I kept noticing things I'd never noticed before, a little food market, fruit trees, old ladies were eating food, everything was food. I resorted to cloud gazing and realized that it was no use, the clouds looked like ice cream cones and such. I needed to go get some food. After stuffing myself with pizza, I felt completely guilty and stuck my hand down my throat to see if I could get rid of it. There it went, down my toilet. I was satisfied. I took a shower and went to bed, now happy that I hadn't actually eaten all those sweets and things that I tried to eat. I wasn't fat, but I was getting skinnier, and that's every girl's dream, right?
"Erin, you're so thin! Wow! You'll look great in this robe. Try it on. Oh, and it's great to have you back on the job!" I was happy to be back there, too. I would enjoy the money, plus I liked my jobs, they were always fun. I loved modeling. I loved every bit of it. I especially loved that it took my mind of food, Remus, and my other friends.
"Thanks, I'll go put it on! I'm glad to be back!" I put the robe on and gazed at myself in the mirror for a bit. I was skinny, it was wonderful. I looked so nice in this robe, I needed it, I loved it. I had to buy it. I would, too. I walked back, almost flying, I was so happy. Every time they offered a lunch break I declined, but finally they forced me to go.
"Erin, go eat. NOW!" I did as I was told, but just a little bit. I got a fat free muffin and had half of it, then saved the rest for later, if I wanted it. It probably wouldn't affect my weight, and I did have to eat a little bit to stay alive, you know? I brushed my teeth (yes, I carry around a travel toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse) and went back to my job. I felt like I had just eaten a big meal, probably because I ate so little most of the time that I was just used to it. I was okay though, and focused my thoughts on modeling once again.
* * * * *
Dear Remus,
I know this is going to sound terrible, but over the past several weeks I have gotten severely deep into an eating disorder. I don't eat when I'm alone, and when there's people asking me to eat, I'll eat, but turn right around and throw it up. I only feel okay about eat a half of a fat free muffin every so often. It sounds so bad when I'm saying it to you, but it makes me feel so powerful and I don't think I want to stop. Besides, I am really skinny, and I've always wanted to be really skinny.
Love,
Erin
It really felt nice to get it all off my chest, but I still didn't want to stop. I sent off our owl with the letter and hoped Remus wouldn't be mad. I sighed at how stupid I'd been and wished things never would have changed, that I'd always just been at Hogwarts and never have left Remus for so long. I couldn't wait for school to start again, and wouldn't have to for much longer, only three weeks more.
* * * * *
Here I was, at King's Cross Station, saying goodbye to my parents as I went to Platform 9 3/4 for my final year at Hogwarts. I might never see Remus again, after this. Thinking about it, it was just sad. Meghan woul be going for 5 more years after this, and I would just be wandering around modeling robes all the time. Well, at least I have Remus all year, I thought, and went through the wall to the train.
"REMUS!" I squealed as soon as I saw him. "You beat me here! I love you!" I hugged him and practically chocked him with all my affection.
"Erin, I will never stop loving you." I waas so happy at this statement, I just wanted to sing,but I couldn't find the words to sing, so I remained silent. Soon we were joined by Karen, Meghan, Sirius, James, and (gross!) Peter. We were a bit crowded, but not that bad. James, Sirius, and Peter sat across from the rest of us, occasionally cracking jokes about "the lovers". The witch who sold sweets came by, and Peter bought everything he could afford. I bought just a few things for my friends, because I simply couldn't eat something so fattening as any of those things. When Remus offered me a sweet and I refused, he gave me a serious look and I almost yelped. Was he mad at me?
"I'm sorry!" I burst out, almost crying.
"Why are you making such a big deal out of chocolate?" Sirius asked, utterly confused. Truthfully, I wasn't sure why either, maybe because I wanted him happy, and for some reaason, he wasn't. Maybe it was because I was hungry, or because I hadn't had sweets in such a long time. Remus pulled a letter out of his pocket and handed it to me. I recognized it as the letter I had written three weeks ago, about my eating disorder. I guess it must have hit him harder than I thought, if he carried it in his pocket everywhere. I handed it back to him and apologized.
"I really am sorry, Remus. Really." When we saw that we were getting nowhere except that we had thoroughly confused everyone in our compartment except ourselves, we decided maybe we'd better drop the subject and both of us spoke at the same time.
"How was your summer?" He said to me, but it was hard to understnad, because at the same time, I said,
"Are you looking forward to your last year at Hogwarts?" I giggled and he chuckled boyishly, and we gave up on conversation and just decided maybe we'd better kiss instead, it would make better use of our mouths.
A/N: No, htis is not the last part of the story, either. I'll tell you when it is!!!
Peace, popcorn, and parentheses,
*Heather*