Edispilf Universe (An Alternate Season Two)

by Cobalite

In the Edispilf Universe, a very different Suprise happened, and things changed from there. Read on to see.

3. Default Chapter Title

Authors Notes: I am using scripts created by Alexander Thompson to write the Edispilf universe. I give him thanks, because I honestly haven't seen much of late season two. As per normal, I own nothing, don't sue me. The Edispilf universe is one of the five stem realities mentioned in my story Flipside. It diverges in the middle of Surprise, which is where I begin my tale. This is my take on what Phases might have been like.

Phases

This episode was originally broadcast on January 27, 1998.

In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer.

Sunnydale High. Cut to the hall by the trophy case. Oz is hunched over inspecting Catherine Madison's cheerleading trophy. He stares at its eyes as he moves his head from one side to the other. Willow enters the hall from outside and comes up to him.

Willow: (smiles) Hi.

Oz: (straightens up) Oh, that's what I was gonna say.

Willow: What cha looking at? (looks into the case)

Oz: (points) This cheerleading trophy. (moves and watches) It's like its eyes follow you wherever you go. I like it.

He stands back up straight again and gives his attention back to Willow. They start down the hall together.

Willow: So did you like the movie last night?

Oz: I don't know. T-today's movies are kind of like popcorn. You know, you forget about them as soon as they're done. I do remember I liked the popcorn, though. (stops walking)

Willow: (smiles) Yeah, it was good. And I had a really fun time with the rest. (gets a confused look from Oz) I mean, the part with you.

Oz: Oh, that's great. Uh, my time was also of the good.

Willow: Mine, too. (awkwardness sets in) Well, then...

Oz raises his eyebrows expectantly. Willow looks past him and sees Buffy down the hall.

Willow: Oh, there. (points) I have my friend. So I will go to her. (goes)

Oz: I'll see you then. Uh, later. (smiles)

Larry and some other jocks come walking the other direction and stare at Willow and Buffy walking away. Larry bites his fist and comes over to Oz.

Larry: Man! Oz, I would love to get me some of that Buffy and Willow action, if you know what I mean. (laughs)

Oz: (nods) That's great, Larry. You've really mastered the single entendre.

Larry notices a pretty girl coming down the hall and ignores the insult to stare at her. As she goes by he taps her books, and they fall out of her hands.

Girl: Hey!

Larry: Oops!

She bends down to pick up her books, and Larry and the other jocks stare at her legs.

Larry: Ohhh! Oh, thank you, Thighmaster! (laughs)

The girl gives them a dirty look and leaves.

Larry: So, Oz, man, what's up with that? Dating a junior? Uh, let me guess. That little innocent schoolgirl thing is just, uh, just an act, right?

Oz: Yeah. Yeah, she's actually an evil mastermind. It's fun.

Larry: I mean, she's gotta be putting out, or what's the point? What are you gonna do, talk? (Laughs) Come on, fess up. How far have you gotten?

Cut outside to Buffy and Willow walking along the colonnade.

Willow: Nowhere. I mean, he said he was gonna wait until I was ready, but I'm ready. Honest. I'm good to go here.

Buffy: Well, I think it's nice that he's not just being an animal.

Willow: It is nice. He's great. We have a lot of fun. But I want smoochies!

Buffy: Have you dropped any hints?

Willow: I've dropped anvils.

Buffy: Ah, he'll come around. What guy could resist your wily Willow charms?

Willow: At last count, all of them. Maybe more.

Buffy: Well, none of them know a thing. They all get an 'F' in Willow.

Willow: But I want Oz to get an 'A', and, oh, one of those gold stars.

They sit on a bench.

Buffy: He will.

Willow: Well, he better hurry. I don't want to be the only girl in school without a real boyfriend.

Buffy looks down sadly. Willow realizes her insensitivity.

Willow: Oh, I'm such an idiot. I'm sorry. I-I shouldn't even be talking about... Do you want me to go away?

Buffy: I wish you wouldn't.

Willow: How are you holding up anyway?

Buffy: I'm holding. I was going on two minutes there without thinking about Angel.

Willow: (trying to be cheerful) Well, there you go.

Buffy: But I would do a lot better if you and Xander and I could do that 'sharing our misery' thing tonight.

Willow: Great. I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh, yeah, 1-800-I'm-Dating-A-Skanky-Ho. (Rolls her eyes)

Buffy: (surprised) Meow!

Willow: (smiles) Really? Thanks. I've never gotten a 'meow' before.

Buffy: Well-deserved.

Willow: Darn tootin'. I'm just saying Xander and Cordelia? I mean, what does he see in her anyway?

Cut inside Cordelia's car in a secluded area of the park that night. She and Xander are making out. Suddenly Xander breaks off.

Xander: But what could she possibly see in him?

Cordelia: Excuse me? We didn't come here to talk about Willow. We came here to do things I can never tell my father about because he still thinks I'm a... good girl.

Xander: I just don't trust Oz with her. I mean, he's a senior, he's attractive -- okay, maybe not to me, but -- and he's in a band. And we know what kind of element that attracts.

Cordelia: I've dated lots of guys in bands.

Xander: (nods) Thank you.

Cordelia: Do you even wanna be here?

Xander: I'm not running away.

Cordelia: Because when you're not babbling about poor, defenseless Willow, you are *raving* about the all-powerful Buffy.

Xander: I do not babble. I occasionally run-on, every now and then I yammer...

Cordelia: Xander?

Xander: Yeah?

Cordelia: Look around. We're in my daddy's car, it's just the two of us, and there is a beautiful, big full moon outside tonight. It doesn't get more romantic than this. (Insistent) So shut up!

They start making out again. Cut outside. The camera pulls away from the car into the bushes until a large, hairy beast watching them comes into view. It growls menacingly.

Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays.

Inside Cordelia's father's car at the park. She and Xander are sucking face. Xander hears some rustling outside and breaks off.

Xander: Did you hear that?

Cordelia: What is it now?

Xander: I thought I heard something.

Cordelia: I-is Willow sending out some sorta distress signal that only *you* can hear?

Xander: Huh.

He smiles at her sheepishly, and they go back to it. An instant later Xander hears more rustling, louder this time, and pulls back again.

Xander: Okay, now I *know* I heard something.

Cordelia: Alright, that's it. You know, your mind hasn't been here all night. How about I just drop you off...

A hairy arm with a clawed hand punches through the convertible top. Cordelia screams and makes a grab for the keys.

Xander: Get us outta here!

The creature on the roof of the car snarls as it reaches around for them inside. The keys aren't in the ignition, and Cordelia frantically searches for them on the floor.

Cordelia: (screams) Where are the keys?

Xander: We should be moving! Let's go!

Cordelia: (finds the keys) Oh, I got 'em! Got 'em!

She fumbles with the keys, but manages to get them into the ignition and starts the car. She puts it into reverse and screams as she guns the car backward a ways and then slams on the brakes. The beast tumbles off of the back and into a tree. Cordelia gets the car in drive and speeds away. The camera shows the car from above with a gaping hole in the ragtop as it maneuvers back to the road and races off.

Xander: Told ya I heard something.

Cut to the school parking lot the next day. Buffy inspects the hole in the roof.

Buffy: And you're sure it was a werewolf? (Gets off of the car)

Xander: Well, let's see, um, six feet tall, claws, a big old snout in the middle of his face like a wolf. Um, yeah, I'm sticking with my first guess.

Oz: Seems wise.

Xander: Oh, oh, and then there was that little thing where it tried to bite us.

Cordelia: It was so awful. (Puts her head on Xander's shoulder)

Xander: (puts his arm around her) I know.

Cordelia: (tears herself away) Daddy just had this car detailed.

Giles comes up behind Buffy with a newspaper.

Buffy: So what's the word?

Giles: Well, it seems there were a, a number of other attacks by a wild dog around town. (hands the paper to Buffy) Several animal carcasses were found mutilated.

Willow: You mean, like bunnies and stuff? (Upset) No, don't tell me. (Looks at Oz)

Oz: (reassuringly) Oh, don't worry. I mean, they might not look it, but bunnies can really take care of themselves.

Willow: (calmer and smiling) Yeah.

Oz: Yeah.

Giles: (takes the paper back) Yes, uh, um, fortunately, no people were injured.

Buffy: That falls into the 'that's a switch' column.

Giles: Well, for now. But my guess is that this werewolf will be back at next month's full moon.

Willow: What about tonight's full moon?

Giles: (confused) Pardon?

Willow: Well, last night was the night before the full moon, traditionally known as... 'the night before the full moon.'

Giles: Meaning the accepted legend that werewolves only prowl during a full moon might be erroneous.

Cordelia: Or it could be a crock.

Xander: Unless the werewolf was using last year's almanac.

Buffy: Looks like Giles has some schooling to do.

Giles: Yes, I must admit I, I am intrigued. Werewolves, it's... it's one of the classics. (start away) I, I'm sure my books and I are in for a fascinating afternoon. (leaves)

Buffy and Cordelia watch him go. Xander smirks at Giles' typical behavior.

Buffy: He needs to get a pet.

Cut to the gym. The class is seated on the bleachers listening to the female self-defense coach.

Coach: Sunnydale is becoming more dangerous all the time. And a full moon like tonight tends to bring out the crazies, but with some simple basics of self-defense each of you can learn how to protect yourself.

Buffy: (quietly to Willow) Here's a suggestion: move away from the Hellmouth.

Coach: What you wanna do is gain advantage of the situation as quickly as possible.

Willow smiles at Buffy's suggestion. Behind her Oz reaches up and turns the tag sticking out of her sweatshirt back inside. She looks back at him curiously.

Oz: Tag. (pats her on the back)

Willow smiles at Buffy. Cut to Xander and Cordelia.

Coach: Your attacker may have the benefit of surprise.

Xander: Would you look at that? He's all over her.

Cordelia looks over at Buffy, Oz and Willow.

Coach: But if you plot ahead,...

Xander: Psst! Hey, buddy, this is a public forum here.

Cordelia looks back at him, as do Buffy, Oz and Willow.

Coach: ...then you can turn that advantage to yourself.

Cordelia: I think you splashed on just a little too much 'Obsession For Dorks'.

Coach: By being prepared, you have the power. Okay, everyone get into your assigned groups.

The students all get up from the bleachers and go down to the floor. Larry takes off his sweat jacket and goes to the table in front of them to check which group he's in. Xander sees his arm all wrapped up in a bandage just above the elbow.

Xander: What happened?

Larry: Oh, last week some huge dog jumped out of the bushes and bit me. Thirty-nine stitches. They oughta shoot those strays.

Oz: (next to Larry) I've been there, man. (holds up his finger) My cousin Jordy just got his grownup teeth in? Does not like to be tickled.

Xander laughs. Larry just shakes his head and then goes over to Theresa, who is doing stretching exercises.

Larry: (into her ear) Theresa! (she straightens up) Be still my shorts. We're in the same group. (chuckles and nods) I may have to attack you.

Theresa: No, a-a-actually, I think, uh, in our group there are a few of us.

Buffy: (joins Theresa) And I'm one of the few.

Willow comes up behind her quickly, takes her arm and pulls her aside. Buffy keeps her eye on Larry another moment, then looks at Willow as she explains.

Willow: Don't forget, you're supposed to be a meek little girlie-girl like the rest of us. (walks off)

Buffy: (looks at Larry) Spoil my fun.

Cut to a few minutes later. Everyone is lined up and paired off, girls in front, boys in back.

Coach: Okay, everyone, listen up. I wanna show you what to do should you be attacked from behind. (looks at Buffy) In this situation, bend forward, using your back and shoulders (bends her over to demonstrate) to flip the assailant over to the ground.

The other girls all bend over, too. The boys follow Larry's lead and put their arms around the girls' necks. Buffy grabs Larry's arm and pretends at a few attempts to flip him over. Willow gives her a smile and nod.

Buffy: Uhh! Uhh!

Larry: Oh, Summers, you are turning me on.

He grabs her butt cheek hard with his other hand. Buffy isn't about to take that, and immediately flips him over hard onto the mats in front of them. Larry groans as he lies there. Willow shoots Buffy a look as she and Oz stand back up. The coach looks over at her also.

Oz: (points) That works, too.

Cut to the library. Giles is demonstrating the phases of the moon using a large earth globe with a smaller moon globe attached by a bar.

Giles: And, uh, while there's absolutely no scientific explanation for lunar effect on the human psyche, uh, the phases of the moon, uh, do seem to exert a great deal of psychological influence. And th-the full moon is, is, seems to bring out our darkest qualities.

Xander: And yet, ironically, uh, led to the invention of the moon pie.

Giles: (gets the joke) Oh... (chuckles) Yes, the moon pie. (laughs harder) (gets looks from Buffy and Willow) Y-you see, uh, the-the werewolf, uh, is such a, a potent e-e-extreme representation of our inborn animalistic traits that it e-emerges for three full consecutive nights: the full moon and, uh, the two nights surrounding it.

Xander: Quite the party animal.

Giles: Quite. And it, uh, acts on-on pure instinct. No conscience, uh, uh, predatory and, and aggressive.

Buffy: In other words, your typical male.

Xander: On behalf of my gender, hey.

Giles: Yes, let's not jump to any conclusions.

Buffy: I didn't jump. I took a tiny step, and there conclusions were.

Giles: The point is that our wolfman could also be a-a-a wolfwoman, or- or anyone who was bitten by a werewolf.

Xander: So then I'm guessing your standard silver bullets are in order here?

Giles: No. No bullets. No matter who this werewolf is, i-it's still a human being, who may be completely unaware of his or her condition.

Buffy: So tonight we bring 'em back alive.

Cut to that night in a secluded area of the park. The moon is full, and several cars are parked there with couples making out. Giles walks by some cars holding his flashlight out in front of him. Buffy meets up with him.

Giles: (quietly) Anything yet?

Buffy: (quietly) Yes. And you won't believe what I saw. Brittany Podell was making out with Owen Stadeel, but he goes with Barrett Williams. (gets a look from Giles) If she ever found... No, um, no, no sign of the werewolf. How about you?

Giles: Uh, the same. (looks around) I thought we might, uh... I thought we might knock on a few windows, uh, ask if anyone has seen anything yet.

Buffy: (gives him a look) Giles, no one's seen anything.

Giles: Oh, yes. No, of-of-of course not, no. Yes.

He goes off to continue looking. She stares after him a moment, and then heads off into the bushes herself. Cut into the bushes. Buffy scans around with her flashlight as she walks into a small clearing. Suddenly she hears a noise like a latch releasing and yelps as she finds herself being pulled up in a net trap. Below her a hunter points his scoped, double-barreled flintlock up at her and pulls back the hammer.

Cain: Gotcha!

Cain takes a closer look at what he's caught.

Cain: What the hell?

Buffy: (yells) Giles! Giles!

Giles: (comes running) Hey! (sees Cain with his gun) Whoa! (holds his arms up)

Cain: Hands are good right about there.

Giles: Who, who are you? What are you doing?

Cain: The name's Cain. I'm the one with the gun, which means I'm the one who gets to do the interviewing.

Buffy: Ahem. Hey, before we get all chummy here, how about we do something about me being in this net thing?

Cain exhales, lowers the flintlock and leans it against a boulder. He pulls out his buck-knife and cuts the rope holding up the net. It falls, and Buffy hits the ground fairly hard. Giles reaches down to untangle the net.

Giles: You alright?

Buffy: Yeah. (gets up)

Cain: (sees Buffy clearly now) Gotta say, I'm impressed.

Giles: Excuse me?

Buffy looks up at Giles, then back at Cain.

Cain: Well, it's good to get the fruit while it's fresh.

Giles: You'd be wise to take that back.

Cain: Hey, what a man and a girl do in lovers' lane at night is nobody's busi...

Giles makes a move toward Cain, but Buffy holds him back.

Buffy: Oh, okay, hey, enough, repulsive brain. It's not what you think. (looks at Giles) We're hunting werewolves.

Cain laughs.

Buffy: Okay, it's funny if you don't believe in werewolves.

Cain: No, it's funny thinking about you two catching one. I mean, this guy looks like he's auditioning to be a librarian, and, you, well, you're a girl.

Giles: I assure you she's quite capable.

Cain: Uh-huh. Lemme ask you something, sweetheart. Exactly how many of these animals have you taken out?

Buffy: As of today?

Cain: I tore a tooth from the mouth of every werewolf that I killed. (holds out his necklace) This next one will bring the total to an even dozen.

Buffy: So you're just gonna kill it?

Cain: Well, see, that's the thing. Their pelts fetch a pretty penny in Sri Lanka, and it's a little hard to skin 'em when they're alive.

Giles: Y-you hunt werewolves f-for sport?

Cain: No, no, I'm in it purely for the money.

Buffy: And it doesn't bother you that a werewolf is a person twenty-eight days out of the month?

Cain: That's why I only hunt 'em the other three. I'd really love to stay and chat, (crouches down to collect the net) but I'm on a tight schedule. Any idea where else the boys and girls like to get together around here?

Buffy: You're looking for a party?

Cain: No, but the werewolf is. They're suckers for that whole sexual heat thing. Sense it miles away. Since this little doggie ain't here, I guess he found another place. (stands up)

Buffy: Sorry. Wish I could help you.

Cain: But you don't know squat? (shakes his head) Gee, what a surprise. (leaves)

Buffy turns and heads back to the car.

Giles: Where are we going?

Buffy: I think I know where to look. We just have to make it there before mein furrier.

Cut to a street. Theresa is walking home. She passes a house with a fenced in front yard overgrown with weeds. She hears some rustling and stops to look around. Seeing nothing, she continues. Cut to a view of her from the other side of the fence. The camera follows behind her. She

hears more rustling and stops to look again. Something lets out a low growl, and Theresa decides it's time to run. She looks back again and doesn't see Drusilla in front of her. She slams into him and screams.

Drusilla: Everything okay? (twirls a dead daisy)

Theresa: Yeah, I just, uh, I, I thought I heard something... behind me.

She walks around her to have a look, then turns back to her.

Drusilla: No one there.

Theresa: Oh. I guess I was wrong. I could have sworn that...

Drusilla: It can get pretty scary out here, all alone at night.

Theresa: Yeah.

Drusilla: Come with me, I'll get you home.

They walk off together, taking another quick look behind them.

Cut to the Bronze. Lotion is the band tonight. They're playing "Blind For Now" as the camera pans from the mirrors on the far wall of the Bronze and over to the band playing on the stage.

/And then sweep this town into a Monster Truck of shame/ /Carved out of soap and steel and clay and salty fame/

/You are the first to look away and against me/

/You shake the squirrel out your tree/

Cut to Cordelia and Willow sitting on opposite sides of a couch by a low table.

Cordelia: I mean, with Xander it's always, 'Buffy did this', 'Willow said that'. Buffy, Buffy. Willow, Willow. It's like I don't even exist. (leans back and folds her arm)

Willow: I sometimes feel like that. (looks over at Cordelia)

Cordelia: And then when I call him on it, he acts all confused, like I'm the one with the problem.

Willow: (nods) His 'do I smell something?' look.

Cordelia: All a part of his little guy games. It's like he's there, but then he's not there, and he wants it, but then he doesn't want it.

Willow: He's so busy looking around at everything he doesn't have, he doesn't even realize what he *does* have.

Cordelia: Well, he should at least realize that you have Oz.

Willow: (frowns and raises an eyebrow) Mm, I'm not sure I do. (confused) Oz and I are in some sort of holding pattern, except without the holding or... anything else.

Cordelia: What's he waiting for? What's his problem? (rolls her eyes) Oh, that's right, he's a guy.

Willow: (disgusted) Yeah, him and Xander. Guys.

Cordelia: Who do they think they are?

Willow: A couple of guys.

Suddenly the werewolf drops down from above onto the table in front of them. They both scream and run from the couch in opposite directions. Panic sets in around them, and the werewolf just stands there at a half crouch, confused by all the noise.

Cut outside to the alley. Giles and Buffy come rolling up in his decrepit car as patrons flee for their lives.

Giles: Looks as though your hunch was right.

Buffy: Who could resist Sunnydale's own house of hormones?

She opens the door and gets out. Willow sees her and stops.

Willow: The werewolf, it's in there.

Buffy makes a dash for the door as it's about to be shut by the bouncer.

Buffy: Coming through!

She rushes through the door. Cut inside. The door is closed on her and she looks back at it as it slams shut with a thud. She slowly steps into the main area and looks around. The place has been trashed by the panicked people. Tables and chairs are lying everywhere, spilled drinks are splattered on the floor. Buffy sees a shadow behind a bead curtain and makes for it.

As she walks she takes off her backpack and pulls out a chain. Cut to the restroom and backstage area. Buffy sees the bead curtain that leads to the stage office swinging. She climbs the few steps and goes in. She goes through another door to the stage. The chain is wrapped around her forearm, ready to use against the werewolf. Slowly she steps out onto the stage.

When she's passed the drums the werewolf comes out from behind the stage curtains, snarling. Buffy spins around

to face it and drops her backpack. She quickly unravels a length of chain from her arms and gets ready. She throws the chain out, and it wraps itself perfectly around the werewolf's neck.

It begins to struggle and yanks at the chain, pulling Buffy into and over the drums. The chain falls from the werewolf's neck, and it makes a dash for a window. Cut outside the window. The werewolf comes crashing through and out into the alley. It takes a quick look both ways and runs away.

Cut to later. The Bronze employees are back and begin to straighten things up. Buffy puts her chain back into her backpack as Cain watches.

Cain: You let it get away.

Buffy: I didn't let it do anything. I had the chain around its neck.

Cain: Chain? What were you gonna do, take it for a walk?

Buffy: I was going to lock it up.

Cain: That's beautiful. (approaches her) This is what happens when a woman tries to do a man's job.

Buffy gets up and puts on the backpack as Giles comes up behind Cain.

Giles: Now, you look here, Mr. Cain. This girl risked her life trying to capture a beast that you haven't as yet been able to find. (takes his bag off of his shoulder)

Cain: Uh-huh. And Daddy's doing a great job carrying her bag of milk bones.

Giles throws down his bag, but restrains himself. Cain steps closer to Buffy.

Cain: You know, sis, if that thing out there harms anyone, it's going to be on your pretty little head. I hope you can live with that.

Buffy: (stares him down) I live with that every day.

Cain: (shakes his head) First they tell me I can't hunt an elephant for its ivory... (turns and leaves) Now I've gotta deal with People for the Ethical Treatment of Werewolves.

Giles: (under his breath) Pillock! Right, let's move out.

He grabs his bag and goes. Buffy follows right behind.

Cut to a loading dock area. The werewolf walks into the light next to a trailer and stops to sniff the air. It looks down and sees a large splotch of blood in the gutter. It continues along the side of the trailer. When it reaches the far end Theresa falls to the ground from behind the trailer with a vampire bite clearly visible on her neck.

The werewolf looks down at her, but doesn't make a move to eat her. On the other side of her Drusilla steps up in his game face and growls at the werewolf. The werewolf bares its fangs and growls more loudly. Drusilla returns the growl with a giggle, baring her own fangs and staring the

werewolf down, warning him away from Theresa's body. She slowly backs away and leaves. The werewolf looks down at Theresa again and growls, but makes no move to touch her.

Cut to the park. Buffy comes walking up behind Giles' car.

Buffy: Giles?

When she doesn't see anyone in it she runs up to it.

Buffy: Giles!

She reaches the open window and looks in. Giles wakes and sits up.

Giles: Uhh! (takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes)

Buffy: I didn't see you there. I thought something had happened.

Giles: Oh, no, I'm, uh...

Buffy opens the passenger door and gets into the car. A newscast is playing on the radio.

Giles: (yawns) I'm okay. I'm just, um, fine... uh, just, uh, I'm, uh.... Uh, any sign of the, uh, werewolf? (puts his glasses back on)

Buffy: No. I'm guessing you didn't see anything either from that vantage point of having your eyes closed.

Giles: It's, uh, it's, it's, uh, gonna be light soon, so we'd better...

Buffy: Wait.

Radio newscaster: Police say that the incident was apparently connected to the animal mutilation which occurred two nights ago. The coroner's office has identified the body as that of Sunnydale High School student Theresa Klusmeyer, age seventeen. The authorities ask that anyone with

further information...

Giles: Buffy, we're gonna get this thing. We have another whole night. (Buffy looks at him) There's nothing more we can do now. It's nearly sunrise. That werewolf won't be a werewolf much longer.

Buffy looks down sadly. Cut to a view of Sunnydale from atop a hill. The sun is coming up in the distance. Cut to the werewolf asleep on the ground in the woods. The

camera pans from its hind paws over to its head.

When sunlight hits the werewolf it morphs back into its human form. Oz wakes up, opens his eyes and looks around confused. He sits up and stares around at the forest. He looks down at himself and realizes he's naked.

Oz: (confused) Huh.

The dining room at Oz's house. He's on the phone with his aunt.

Oz: Aunt Maureen. Hey, it's me. Um, what? Oh! It's, uh... actually it's healing okay. That's pretty much the reason I called. Um, I wanted to ask you something. Is Jordy a werewolf? Uh-huh. And how long has that been going on? Uh-huh. What? No, no reason. Um... Thanks. Yeah, love to

Uncle Ken.

He lowers the phone and turns it off. He stares off into space as the new knowledge that he is the werewolf sinks in.

Cut to the halls at Sunnydale High. Oz walks slowly among the other students as he makes his way to the library. He looks down and around at everyone, still trying to deal with this new revelation about himself. When he reaches the library he stares at the door for a long moment.

Cut inside the library. Buffy paces. Willow is sitting at the table with Giles behind her, and Xander is leaning against the counter.

Buffy: I can't believe I let that thing get away. Cain was right. I shoulda killed it when I had the chance.

Oz comes in, and has overheard that last comment.

Oz: Killed what?

Buffy: Uh, the, uh, (ahem) the werewolf. It-it-it was out last night.

Oz: Is everybody okay? Did anyone get bitten or, or scratched?

Willow: No, we're fine.

Oz: Gladness.

Buffy: Yeah, but he got someone. Theresa.

Oz: 'Got', as in...

Buffy just looks at him and briefly raises her eyebrows.

Oz: Oh, I'm sorry.

Buffy: And I coulda stopped it. (sits)

Giles: Well, we, we have one more night.

Oz: Another night?

Buffy: Oh, yeah. Believe me, I'm gonna give that wolfie something to howl about.

Oz: Hmm.

Xander: (comes over) But while we hang here doing nothing, there's a human werewolf walking around out there, probably making fun of us.

Willow: (with a hint of sarcasm) The way werewolves always do.

Oz: But there's really no way to tell who it is.

Xander: Oh, sure there is. Giles knows stuff, and I'm practically an expert on the subject.

Willow: On account of once you were a hyena?

Xander: I know what it's like to crave the taste of freshly killed meat, to be taken over by those uncontrollable urges.

Buffy: You said you didn't remember anything about that.

Xander: (chuckles) I said I didn't remember anything about that. Look, the point is, is I have an affinity with this thing. I can get inside of its head. (closes his eyes and begins to *be* the werewolf) I'm a big, bad wolf. I'm on the prowl. (sniffs) I'm sniffing, I'm snarling, I'm a slobbering predator, I'm... (opens his eyes) Wait a second! It's right

in front of us. (Oz's eye go wide with the fear of being recognized) It's obvious who I am. I'm Larry! (Oz breathes a sigh of relief) The guy's practically got wolf-boy stamped on his forehead. You got the dog bite, you got the aggression, not to mention the excessive back hair.

Buffy: And he was awfully gleeful about tormenting Theresa.

Giles: Still, that doesn't necessarily mean that...

Xander: I'm gonna go talk to him. Gonna force a confession out of him. (leaves)

Giles: Good. Go. Uh, in the meantime, we need to cover our bases. Willow, um, check the student files. See if anybody else fits the profile. Uh, Buffy?

Buffy: Where are we going?

Giles: I-if none of that works, I think I may have an alternative. (goes into his office)

Buffy: Yeah, me and the werewolf alone in a cage for three minutes. That's all I ask. (gets up and follows Giles)

Willow: (to Oz) Are you okay?

Oz: (comes back to earth) What?

Willow: You kind of knew Theresa.

Oz: Oh, yeah, I, uh, I'm trying not to think about it. It's... it's a lot.

Willow: It is. But we can do stuff to help. Sometimes it feels good to help.

Oz: Uh-huh.

Buffy comes back to the office door, but holds back, not wanting to interrupt Willow with Oz.

Willow: Well, like... looking up stuff. I'm gonna be doing that most of the night. You could help me, help together?

Oz: (unsure what to do) I can't. Um, uh, I'm busy.

Willow: Oh. So...

Oz: I... I gotta go.

He jogs out of the library. Willow watches him go, confused about his behavior. Buffy looks sadly at her friend from the office doorway.

Cut to the boys' locker room. The camera pans over to the sinks where Larry is splashing some water onto his face. He grabs a towel and dries off as he heads for his gym locker. Xander is there waiting for him and kicks his locker closed to get his attention. Larry takes the towel from

his face and looks at Xander, startled.

Larry: Harris. Sheesh. Next time wear a bell. (opens his locker)

Xander: Why so jumpy, Larry?

Larry: Geeks make me nervous.

Xander: Is that really it or is there something you're hiding?

Larry: (leans on his locker door) I could hide my fist in your face.

Xander: I know your secret, big guy. I know what you've been doing at night.

Larry: You know, Harris, that nosey little nose of yours is going to get you into trouble someday... (grabs Xander by the shirt) Like today.

Xander: Hurting me isn't gonna make this go away. People are still gonna find out.

Larry: (lets go) Alright. What do you want? Hush money? Is that what you're after?

Xander: I don't *want* anything! I just wanna help!

Larry: What, you think you have a cure?

Xander: No, it's just... I know what you're going through because I've been there. That's why I know you should talk about it.

Larry: Yeah, that's easy for *you* to say. I mean, you're nobody. I've got a reputation here.

Xander: Larry, please, before someone else gets hurt.

Larry: (points at Xander's chest) Look, if this gets out, it's over for me. (turns and takes a few paces away) I mean, forget about playing football. They'll run me outta this town. I mean, come on! How are people going to look at me (faces Xander) after they find out I'm gay.

Xander looks at him in astonishment. Larry looks like a heavy burden has just been lifted and smiles.

Larry: Oh, wow. I said it. And it felt... okay. (whispers) I'm gay. (approaches Xander) I am gay.

Xander: I heard you the first time.

Larry: I can't believe it. It was almost easy. I never felt I could tell anyone. (gestures to Xander) And then you, you of all people, you bring it outta me.

Xander: It probably would have slipped out even if I wasn't here.

Larry: (leans on his locker door) No, no, because knowing you went through the same thing, made it easier for me to admit it.

Xander: (wide-eyed) The same thing...

Larry: (puts his arm around Xander) It's ironic. I mean, all those times I beat the crap out of you, it musta been because I recognized something in you that I didn't want to believe about myself.

Xander: (laughs nervously) Larry, no, I am not...

Larry: Of course, of course not. Don't worry. (pats Xander on the shoulder) I wouldn't do that to you. Your secret's safe with me.

He gives Xander a thumbs-up and smiles.

Larry: (to himself) Wow.

He drapes the towel around his neck, closes his gym locker and walks off. Xander stares after him in disbelief.

Cut to the library. Willow is 'Net surfing on her laptop. Buffy comes out of Giles' office and goes over to her.

Buffy: So what's the scuttlebutt? Anybody besides Larry fit our werewolf profile? (sits on the table)

Willow: There is one name that keeps getting spit out. Aggressive behavior, run-ins with authorities, about a screenful of violent incidents.

Buffy: Okay, most of those were not my fault. Somebody else started 'em. I was just standing up for myself.

Willow: (looks up at Buffy) They say it's a good idea to count to ten when you're angry.

Buffy: One... Two... Three...

Willow: (looks back at her laptop) I'll keep looking. (goes back to work)

Buffy: I, um... noticed you were looking solo.

Willow: Yeah. Oz wanted to be someplace that was (looks up at Buffy) away... from me.

Buffy: I'm sorry.

Willow: (leans back in her chair) I can't figure him out. I mean, he's so hot and cold. Or luke-warm and cold.

Buffy: Welcome to the mystery that is men. I think it goes something like, they grow body hair, they lose all ability to tell you what they really want.

Willow: It doesn't seem like a fair trade. (stands up and puts her laptop in its case)

Buffy: Well, if you wanna up the speed quotient with Oz, maybe you need to do something daring. Maybe you need to make the first move.

She slides off of the table, and Willow follows her as she gets her stuff for class.

Willow: Well, that won't make me a slut?

Buffy: I think your reputation will remain intact.

Cut to the hall. Willow and Buffy come out of the library.

Willow: It used to be so much easier to tell if a boy liked you. He'd punch you on the arm and then run back to his friends.

Buffy: Those were the days.

Xander: (comes up to them) Hey.

They stop. He taps Buffy on the arm. She looks up at him.

Willow: I'll see you guys later. (Buffy looks at her) Cordelia asked me to look over her history homework before class. I think that means I might have to *do* it. (goes off)

Xander: Wow, those two gals are hanging out a lot together. This would be a good time to panic.

Buffy lets out a laugh. They start down the hall.

Buffy: So how'd it go with Larry?

Xander: What's that supposed to mean?

Buffy: I think it's supposed to mean, 'so how'd it go with Larry'?

She stops at her locker and reaches for the combination lock.

Xander: He's not the werewolf. Can't we just leave it at that? Must you continue to *push* and *push*?

Buffy: (opens her locker) I'm sorry. I was just wondering. (takes off her pack)

Xander: Well, he's not.

Buffy: Okay.

Xander: Okay.

Buffy: But there goes our lead suspect. (sticks her pack in her locker) Which then puts us right back at (closes the locker) square boned.

Xander: You're not boned, you're Buffy. Eradicator of evil. Defender of, um... things that need defending.

Buffy: Tell that to Theresa. She could have used my defending before she was ripped apart by that... (stops and considers)

Xander: Werewolf.

Buffy: Nowhere in any of the reports did it say anything about her being mauled. (looks up at Xander) I mean, they were linked to the animal attacks from the other night, so we just assumed werewolf.

Xander: What else should we have assumed?

Cut to the funeral home. Theresa is laid out in her coffin with a scarf around her neck. Buffy pulls it back and sees the bite.

Buffy: Vampire.

Xander: So that's good, right? I mean in the sense of the werewolf didn't get her, and... (gets a look from Buffy) No. There is no good here.

Buffy: No good. Instead of not protecting Theresa from the werewolf, (goes over to the guest register) I was able to not protect her from something just as bad. (looks at all the signatures) She had a lot of friends. (takes the pen to add her own)

Xander: Buffy, you can't blame yourself for every death that happens in Sunnydale. If it weren't for you people'd be lined up five deep waitin' to get themselves buried. Willow would be Robbie the Robot's love slave, and I wouldn't even have a head.

Xander gives her a hug. She pulls back a bit and looks up at him. He looks back kindly. She lets go, picks up her backpack and goes out. Xander stares after her.

Xander: Oh, no, my life's not too complicated.

He shakes his head and follows her out.

Cut to the woods. Cain's van is parked with the curtains drawn across the cab. Cut inside the van. It's set up like a small hunter's lodge, with hunting equipment and traps hanging from the walls and a lab bench full of reloading equipment. He reaches down, picks up a small iron pan and sets it on the bench. He has a Bunsen burner going. He takes a small long-handled melting cup and holds it over the flame.

When the metal in the cup has become molten he brings it over to a mold that he's holding over the iron pan with his other hand and pours the silver into it. He sets the melting cup aside and breaks open the mold. Inside is a

perfectly formed bullet. He holds it up to inspect it in the dim light.

Cut to a shot of the full moon rising. Cut to Oz's dining room. He has a box full of shackles and locks and

dumps them out. He looks at them and considers a moment, then with a strengthened resolve starts to put one on. He's about to put the lock on when there's a knocking at the door. He ignores it and looks at the lock.

As he moves to put it on there's another knock on the door. He looks at it in frustration and sets the lock and shackles down. The knocking continues insistently as he goes over to the door. When he opens it he finds an irate Willow standing there, ready to knock even more.

Oz: Willow! What are you doing?

She pushes her way inside.

Willow: I had this whole thing worked out. (goes toward the dining room) And I had it written down, uh, but then it didn't make any sense (turns to face him) when I was reading it back.

Oz: Willow, this is not a very good time.

Willow: I mean, what am I supposed to think? First, you buy me popcorn (paces away) and then you're all glad that I didn't get bit. (paces back) (softly) And you put the tag back in my shirt. (harshly) But I guess none of that means anything because instead of looking up names with me, here you are all alone in your house doing nothing by yourself.

Oz: Willow, we'll talk about this tomorrow. I promise.

He tries to take hold of her to lead her out, but she shakes him off.

Willow: No, damn it! We'll talk about this now! Buffy told me that sometimes what a girl makes has to be the first move and now that I'm saying this, I'm starting to think that the written version sounded pretty good, but you know what I mean.

Oz: I know, I know, it's me. I'm, I'm goin' through some... changes.

Willow: Well, welcome to the world! Things happen. Don't you think I'm going through a lot?

Oz: Not like me.

Willow: Oh, what, so now you're special? (paces away into the dining room) You're special boy... (sees the shackles) With chains and stuff. Why do you have chains and stuff?

Oz doubles over in pain and hugs his chest.

Oz: Willow, please! (heads for the door) Get outta here!

She stares at him confused. He falls behind the couch out of her view. There he begins to rapidly grow hair and mutate into a werewolf.

Willow: Oz? Oz, what is it?

She slowly approaches the couch. Oz's fingers grow longer and hairier.

Willow: What's wrong?

She hears Oz moaning in pain. She looks carefully over the couch, and Oz the werewolf leaps to his feet and growls at her. She screams and jumps backward away from him.

Oz's living room. Willow screams and starts to run through the dining room. Oz the werewolf gives chase. She runs down the hall and out a back door.

Cut to the streets. Willow runs. The werewolf comes around the corner chasing after her. She goes up to a wooden fence, hops up and tries to pull herself over. She's not quite fast enough and only has one leg over when the werewolf catches up. It makes a grab for her leg, but misses as she drops over the other side and manages to land in a crouch on her feet. She sees a couple of metal trashcans there, grabs one and smashes it into the werewolf's face as it tries to climb over after her.

Cut to the street. Cain's van rolls slowly along. He looks up and sees the werewolf trying to get over the fence.

Cain: There you are.

He pulls the van over to the side.

Cut to the library. Giles opens a guncase, undoes the straps and pulls out the stock. He grabs the barrel and scope assembly and clicks them into place. Buffy comes walking up behind him.

Buffy: Sorry I'm late. We visited Theresa.

He stops his assembling to look at her.

Giles: Buffy, I'm so sorry.

Buffy: (holds up her hand) Not now, Giles. We can all have ourselves a good cry after we bag us a werewolf.

He plugs in the laser sight and holds the tranquilizer gun up to check the scope.

Cut to the woods. Willow runs quickly through the trees with the werewolf not far behind. She hops over a log, but then trips and falls to the ground. She rolls to face the werewolf and looks at it in terror. It doesn't attack, but instead sniffs the air. It looks around for the direction of the scent and rushes off. Willow quickly gets to her feet

and runs the other way.

Cut to the library. Giles checks the trigger mechanism of the gun.

Giles: All set. (grabs a dart) Let's go find this thing. (starts out)

Buffy: One question: how exactly do we find this thing?

Willow comes barging into the library.

Willow: It's Oz! It's Oz!

Buffy: Wh-what's Oz?

Willow: The werewolf.

Giles: Are you certain?

Willow: (frantic) Can't you just trust me on this? He-he said he was going through all these changes. Then he went through all these...changes.

Buffy: Where is he now?

Willow: In the woods.

Giles: Let's go. (starts out again)

Willow: (grabs and stops him) Go where? You're not gonna kill Oz! Yeah, he's a werewolf, but he doesn't mean to be.

Buffy: Don't worry, Willow. We're not going to hurt him.

They all start out of the library.

Giles: I put enough Phenobarbital in this thing to sink a small elephant. It should be enough for a large werewolf.

He grabs his coat from the counter and holds the door open for the girls.

Cut to the woods. The werewolf has found what it's looking for. So has Cain, and he cocks his flintlock's hammer back and lifts it to his shoulder. The werewolf gets closer to the pile of meat Cain has left out for him.

Cain: That's it. Let me see you. Come on, suppertime.

The werewolf is on top of the bait now, and Cain takes aim.

Cain: Good, doggy. Now play dead.

He is about to pull he trigger when he gets kicked from the side. He falls to the ground, and his gun fires wild. The werewolf looks up from its meal at the commotion. Buffy grabs Cain's gun and wrestles him for it. She flips the rifle over and he follows, landing on his back and letting go of the gun in the process.

As he tries to get up Buffy swings the butt of the rifle around and knocks him down and out. The werewolf comes at her, and she ducks his lunge. Giles and Willow arrive to see the werewolf grab Buffy and lift her off of her feet. She pushes him back using Cain's gun to keep from being bitten. Giles tries to get a clear shot, but the werewolf turns and holds Buffy up between them.

Willow: Careful!

Giles: (can't get a shot) Damn it!

He keeps looking for an opening, but is quickly getting frustrated. Buffy raises the rifle high and smashes it down on the werewolf's head. It drops her and falls back stunned. It quickly gets up and swipes at her, knocking the gun from her hands. Then the werewolf shoves Buffy away and right into Giles and Willow, bowling them over. It starts to

come at them. Willow scrambles for the tranquilizer gun and brings it up to bear. The werewolf charges, and Willow pulls the trigger. The dart hits it in the chest, and it staggers backward a bit before falling over unconscious.

Willow: (looks up at Giles) I shot Oz.

Giles: You saved us.

He takes the gun from Willow. Buffy walks over to get Cain's gun. He gets to his feet and straightens his coat.

Cain: No wonder this town's overrun with monsters. No one here's man enough to kill 'em.

Buffy: Oh, I wouldn't be too sure of that.

Cain turns to see her with his flintlock. She grabs the end of the barrel and bends it into a nice arc right in front of him and then thrusts it at him. He looks at her in astonishment.

Buffy: How about you let the door hit you in the ass on the way out of town?

Cain makes a move to go but stops to give her another look. She stares back at him, and then he leaves. She looks down at Willow crouched next to Oz the werewolf and gets down with her.

Willow: You think it'll be okay?

They both look up at Giles.

Giles: He'll be a little sore in the morning, but... he'll be Oz.

Cut to Sunnydale High the next day. Cut to the halls. Xander and Buffy walk past the trophy case and into the lounge.

Xander: This is all so weird. I mean, how are we supposed to act when we see him?

Buffy: Well, it's gotta be weird for him, too. Now that we know so much.

Xander: All I know is I'll never be able to look at him the same again.

Buffy: He's still a human being. Most of the time.

They stop at the vending machine.

Xander: Who are we talking about?

Buffy: Oz. Who are you talking about?

Xander: No one.

He sees Larry's jock friends by the stairs knocking a girl's books out of her hands and laughing. Larry comes down the stairs behind her and quickly reaches down to help her pick up her books.

Larry: Hey, let me get those.

Girl: Thanks.

His friends give him a surprised look. So does Buffy. Larry comes over to them.

Larry: Hey! Xander. Look, about what you did. I, I owe you.

Buffy: What'd you do?

Xander: It's really nothing we should be talking about. (to Larry) Ever.

Larry: I know, I know. It's just, well, (pats him on the arm) thanks. (walks off)

Buffy: That was weird.

They go to a table and sit.

Xander: What, it's not okay for one guy to like another guy just because he happened to be in the locker room with him when absolutely nothing happened and I thought I told you not to push.

Buffy: All I meant is that he didn't try to look up my skirt.

Xander: (fidgets with is hands) Oh, oh, yeah, that's, that's the weirdness. (smiles nervously)

Buffy: Weirdness abounds lately. Maybe it's the moon. That does stuff to people.

Xander: I've heard that.

Buffy: (sees Willow walk by) Certainly gonna put a strain on Willow and Oz's relationship.

Xander: What relationship? I mean, what life could they possibly have together? (counts off on his fingers) We're talking obedience school, paper training, Oz is always in back burying their things, and that kind of breed can turn on its owner.

Buffy: I don't know. I kinda see Oz as the loyal type.

Xander: All I'm saying is she's not safe with him. If it were up to me...

Buffy: (interrupts) Xander...

Cut outside to Willow walking over to Oz sitting on a table.

Buffy: It's not up to you.

Willow: Hey.

Oz: Hey.

Willow: Did you want to go first?

Oz: I spoke to Giles. He said I'll be okay. I just have to lock myself up around the full moon. Only he used more words than that. And a globe.

Willow: I'm sorry about how all this ended up. With me shooting you and all.

Oz: It's okay. I'm, I'm sorry I almost ate you.

Willow: It's okay. I kind of thought you would have told me.

Oz: I didn't know what to say. I mean, it's not everyday you find out you're a werewolf. That's fairly freaksome. It may take a couple days getting used to.

Willow: Yeah. It's a complication.

Oz: So... (hops off of the table and they walk) Maybe it'd be best if I just... sorta...

Willow: What?

Oz: Well, you know, like, stayed out of your way for awhile.

Willow: I don't know. I'm kind of okay with you being *in* my way.

Oz: (stops and faces her) You mean, you'd still...

Willow: Well, I like you. You're nice and you're funny. And you don't smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but that's not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month I'm not much fun to be around either.

Oz: You are quite the human.

Willow: (smiles) So, I'd still if you'd still.

Oz: I'd still. I'd *very* still.

Willow: (smiles widely) Okay. (more seriously) No biting, though.

Oz: Agreed.

Willow walks off with a smile on her face. Oz turns around and watches her go. He smiles. Then he looks surprised to see her rushing back. She looks at him for an instant and then plants a kiss right on his lips. He watches her with a smile as she goes off again.

Oz: A werewolf in love.

The Edispilf universe is one of the five stem realities mentioned in my story Flipside. It diverges in the middle of Surprise, which is where I begin my tale. This is my take on Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered.

Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered.

This episode was originally broadcast on February 10, 1998.

In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer.

The cemetery at night. The camera is focused on a heart shaped locket that Xander is dangling in the extreme foreground so that everything in the distance is out of focus and unrecognizable.

Xander: So, what do you think?

The camera shifts its focus onto Buffy sitting on a gravestone.

Buffy: It's nice.

Cut to a full view shot of them. They are waiting near a fresh grave. Xander approaches Buffy, still dangling the locket.

Xander: But do you think Cordelia will like it?

Buffy: I don't know.

She pulls it toward herself with her hand to take a closer look.

Buffy: Does she know what one of these is?

He yanks it out of her hand and puts it and his hands into his jacket pockets.

Xander: (chuckles) Okay, big yuks. When are you guys gonna stop making fun of me for dating Cordelia?

Buffy: I'm sorry. But never. (Xander nods, smiles and looks down) I just think you could find somebody more... better.

Xander: Uh, parallel universe, maybe. (looks up) Here the only other person I'm interested in is, um... unavailable. Besides, Cordy and I are really getting along. We're not fighting as much, and yesterday we just sat together, not even speakin'. You know, just, uh, enjoying comfortable silence. (grins and laughs, then loses the grin and exhales) Man, that was dull.

Buffy: (smiles) I'm glad that you guys are getting along. (facetiously) Almost really. (reassuringly) And don't stress over the gift.

Xander: Well, this is new territory for me. I mean, my valentines are usually met with heartfelt restraining orders.

Buffy: She'll love it.

Xander: I wish dating was like slaying: (steps away) you know, simple, direct, stake to the heart, no muss, no fuss.

He turns to face her again just as a vampire rises from the fresh grave. Xander reacts quickly and jerks back as the newly risen demon comes for him, but he trips and falls backward onto his butt. Buffy hops off of the gravestone and grabs the vampire from behind as he is about to grab Xander and throws him high and away. He hits the ground hard.

His momentum carries him into a reverse somersault, and he rolls to his feet. He starts to come at Buffy. She leaps at him, does a double kick to his chest with both feet in rapid succession and lands upright as the vampire staggers back into the corner column of a small mausoleum. Buffy comes at him, but he blocks her first two punches and ducks a third swing.

Her fourth and fifth punches, however, land on his face, but he isn't fazed. He pushes her aside into the wall of the mausoleum, and after regaining his balance comes at her again. She slides down the wall and kicks out with her leg, making him trip and spin down to the ground. As he gets up she leaps at him with a high kick and knocks him back down again. She reaches into her jacket for a stake, and when the vampire stands back up again and tries to make a grab for her she deftly plunges it into his chest.

He immediately bursts into a cloud of ashes. Buffy yanks the stake back and watches with satisfaction as the ash rains to the ground. Then she heads over to Xander and gives him a hand back up to his feet.

Buffy: Sorry to say, Xand, slaying is a tad more perilous than dating.

They start out of the cemetery.

Xander: Well, you're obviously not dating Cordelia.

Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays.

Sunnydale High School the next morning. Cordelia walks up the steps from the street. She sees her friends sitting on a wall and heads over to them. When they see her coming they all stand up and make their way toward the main entrance, ignoring her.

Cordelia: Wait up. Hey, wait up! (jogs to catch up) Excuse me! Where's the fire sale?

They all stop and turn around to face her.

Harmony: Oh, sorry. Didn't see you.

Cordelia: Well, why didn't you call me back last night? We need to talk about our outfits for the dance. I'm gonna wear red and black, (points at Kate) so you need to switch.

Kate: Red and black? Is that what Xander likes?

Cordelia: (confused) Xander? What does he have to do with this?

Harmony: Well, a girl wants to look good for her geek.

Cordelia: Xander's just...

Harmony: (interrupts) When are you two gonna start wearing cute little matching outfits? 'Cause I'm planning to vomit. (to the others) Let's go.

They all turn away and head into the building, leaving Cordelia behind.

Cut to American Literature class. The bell rings.

Ms. Beakman: Papers on my desk. Anybody tries to leave without giving me a paper is looking at a failing grade.

The camera closes in on Xander sitting at the back of his row two seats behind Willow. Buffy is to Willow's right, and they both get ready to go.

Xander: (holding his paper) Ha, ha, ha. This time I'm ready for you. No 'F' for Xander today. No, this baby's my ticket to a sweet D minus.

He stands up with his paper in his hands. The two girls do the same. Willow steps down the aisle and stops next to Amy.

Willow: Hey, Amy.

Amy: Hey. (pulls on her backpack) Are you guys going to the Valentine's Day dance at the Bronze? I think it's gonna be a lot of fun.

Willow turns to look at Buffy with a huge smile on her face.

Buffy: Go ahead. You know you wanna say it.

Willow faces Amy again, grinning broadly.

Willow: My boyfriend's in the band!

Amy: (smiles and laughs) Cool.

Willow looks back at Buffy.

Buffy: I think you've now told everybody.

Willow: Only in this hemisphere. (pulls on her pack)

Amy: (to Buffy) What about you?

Buffy: (waves her off) Oh, Valentine's Day is just a cheap gimmick to sell cards and chocolate.

Amy: Bad breakup, huh?

Buffy: Closer to him leaving the country for my safety. Still sucks.

They all walk up to the teacher's desk, and Buffy hands in her paper.

Mrs. Beakman: Thank you.

Buffy heads out of the room as Willow holds up her paper as well. Xander is just making his way down the aisle behind Amy.

Mrs. Beakman: (to Willow) Thank you.

Willow follows Buffy out. Amy stands in front of Mrs. Beakman and stares her down. There is a long silence as Amy concentrates on staring into the teacher's eyes. Xander, standing behind Amy, slowly loses his smile as he sees what's going on. A moment later Mrs. Beakman smiles at Amy and gestures as though she's accepting a paper from her.

Mrs. Beakman: Thank you, Amy.

Amy smiles and starts out of the classroom. Xander comes up to the desk staring openmouthed after Amy and hands his paper in also.

Cut to the stairs. Buffy and Willow come walking down. Amy hops down past them with a big smile on her face and heads into the lounge.

Willow: I just hate to think of you solo on Valentine's Day.

The two of them head down the hall. Xander reaches the bottom of the stairs behind them and follows as he watches Amy go off in the other direction.

Buffy: I'll be fine. Mom and I are gonna have a pigout and vid fest. It's a time-honored tradition among the loveless.

Xander: (catches up) Did you guys see that? (points at Amy)

Buffy: See what?

Xander: In class. I think Amy just worked some magic on Ms. Beakman.

Buffy: You mean like witchcraft?

Willow: You know, her mom's a witch.

Buffy: And an amateur psycho. Amy's the last person that should be messing with that stuff.

Xander: Maybe I should go talk to her.

Giles sees them coming his way and calls out.

Giles: Buffy! (approaches them) Buffy... Might I have a word?

Buffy: Have a sentence, even.

Giles: (gets the joke) Oh. Good. Well, uh...

He happens to glance off into Jenny's classroom as she's talking to a student by the door.

Jenny: (to the student) Back it up before you leave.

She steps into the hall and stops. She and Giles exchange looks with each other. Buffy notices the exchange and looks down sadly. Jenny shrugs and smiles thinly at Giles.

Jenny: Rupert.

Giles: Ms. Calendar. (looks down)

She glances down briefly and backs up, then steps toward him.

Jenny: I'm glad we ran into each other, actually. I was hoping that we could, uh... (gestures toward her room) Do you have a minute? (fidgets with her hands)

Giles: Um... (making excuses) Actually, not, not just now. Um, (ahem) I, uh, have a matter to discuss with, with Buffy.

Buffy: (calmly) Right. Let's go.

She gives Jenny a quick glance and squeezes between her and Giles, heading for the library. Xander and Willow watch in silence. Giles looks up at Jenny for a moment, then slowly turns to follow Buffy. Jenny drops her arms in despair, looks at Xander and Willow, and then starts down the hall the other way.

Cut to the library. Buffy is sitting at the table hugging her knee while Giles comes toward her slowly with his hands in his pockets.

Buffy: Are you okay?

Giles: (looks at her) Me? I,I I'll be fine. (scratches his nose, then pockets his hand again) Um, I was more concerned about you, actually.

Buffy: Why?

Giles: I finally got a letter from Angel. He is somewhere in Asia. He won't be back in time for Valentine's Day.

Buffy: (looks down) Oh. I kinda had that figured, but you just dashed what little hope I had.

Giles: He was terribly upset about it, and when he found out his departure didn't stop the Judges rising. (to himself) He's on his way back.

Dissolve to Spike's warehouse. Drusilla opens a jewelry case, and inside is a gold necklace with rubies set into an integrated pendant. The camera pans up from it over to Spike in his wheelchair.

Spike: Fancy it, pet?

Drusilla: Ahhh. It's beautiful. Mm.

Spike: Nothing but the best for my girl.

She pulls her hair back and away so he can close the clasp behind her neck.

Drusilla: Do you think we should send the nasty Slayer a Valentine's Day present? In Daddy's tradition?

Spike: Why don't you rip her lungs out? It might make an impression.

Drusilla: It doesn't rhyme.

Spike: It doesn't have to. (inhales and thinks) What rhymes with lungs?

Drusilla: Don't worry, Spike. I know what speaks to a girl's heart.

Cut to the Bronze for the Valentine's Day dance. Oz and Devon's band Dingoes Ate My Baby (Four Star Mary) are playing "Pain". Xander is at a table with Willow, turning a jewelry box around in his hands. The camera pans up to Willow watching the band play and bobbing her head to the beat. It pulls back to show Xander staring off in another direction, oblivious to the music. The camera focuses on the band as Devon sings.

/Feeling I've been lost for years/

Oz smiles over at Willow and then looks down at his guitar.

/You can never understand me/

/Unless you've seen those tears/

/But you never get to sleep/

Willow looks up at Oz and smiles. Oz smiles back as he plays.

/When I'm away/

/I don't mind/

/The deeper.../

Willow: (to Xander, smiling) Oz has his cool hair today.

/...that you lay/

Willow: (excited) I think I'm a groupie! (looks back at the band)

/Out of time/

Cut to Cordelia coming out of the restrooms.

/Pain, I can't sleep/

She looks around and sees her friends.

Cordelia: (smiles) Oh, hey!

They all give her looks of disgust.

/Pain, I can't sleep/

Harmony: Let's get outta here.

Cordelia just stands there and watches them go.

/Running.../

Cut to Buffy's house. She and her mother are lounging back on the couch watching TV. The coffee table in front of them is full of plates of cookies, cheese puffs and other snacks. Buffy has a bowl of popcorn in her lap. They hear a knock at the door and look over in that direction. Buffy looks back at her mom, exhales and hands her the popcorn.

Buffy: Here.

Joyce starts to munch on it. Buffy gets up to answer the door. Cut to outside. The camera pans over to the door as Buffy opens it and looks out. She is puzzled when there's no one there. She looks further out and in both directions. She shrugs with her eyes, goes back inside and closes the door. When she steps back into the living room her mother is gone. She looks back behind her, through the foyer and into the dining room beyond. Joyce is nowhere to be seen.

Buffy: (concerned) Mom?

She walks through the dining room and into the kitchen.

Buffy: Mom?

She walks around the island, looking around all the while, then quickly out the window when she hears a noise, but sees nothing and continues toward the kitchen door. She looks back into the dining room. When she reaches the kitchen door she is startled by her mother coming back in from outside and gasps.

Joyce: Buffy, it's me.

Buffy: Yeah. You just startled me a little.

Joyce: I was just checking the back door. (closes the door) Somebody, um, left these for you.

She sets a long black box with a red bow on the island for Buffy to see. She looks up at her mother and raises her eyebrows for an instant before lifting the lid off the box. Joyce looks down, curious to see what's in it. Buffy stares down at it and sees a dozen red roses along with a card bearing a words in Angel's delicate script: Wishing I Was There. Soon. Her mother looks up at her with a little smile, and Buffy weakly returns it.

Cut to the Bronze. The band continues playing.

/Pain, I can't sleep/

/Pain, I can't sleep/

Xander looks around and spots Cordelia sitting alone at a table.

/Pain, I can't sleep/

He slowly gets to his feet and walks over to her. She notices him coming, looks at him and stands up to meet him. The song is over now.

Xander: Hey.

Cordelia: (looks him up and down) Your clothes... You look so good.

Xander: (looks down at himself) Oh. I let Buffy dress me. (gets a confused look from Cordelia) Well, not physically.

Cordelia: (upset) Perfect. You had to make this harder, didn't you?

Xander: Okay, clearly the fact that I please you visually has got us off on the wrong foot here.

Cordelia: Xander...

Xander: (stops her with a gesture) Let me finish. I've been thinking a lot about us lately... the why and the wherefore. You know, once, twice, a kissy here, a kissy there. And you can chalk it all up to hormones. (Cordelia looks puzzled) and maybe that's all we have here. Tawdry teen lust. But maybe not. Maybe something in you sees something special inside me. (Cordelia looks down, then back up) And vice versa. I mean, I think I do. See something. So...

He pulls out the jewelry box and hands it to her. She takes it and looks up at him.

Cordelia: Xander... (opens the box) Thank you. (holds up the necklace and pendant) It's beautiful. (exhales and looks at him) I wanna break up.

Xander: (looks at her in disbelief) Okay, not quite the reaction I was looking for.

Cordelia: (shaking her head) I know. I'm sorry. It's just... Who are we kidding? (Xander looks down at the necklace) Even if parts of us do see specialness, we don't fit.

Xander: (looks up suddenly) Yeah! Okay... (very upset) Do you know what's a good day to break up with somebody? Any day besides Valentine's Day! I mean, what, were you running low on dramatic irony?

Cordelia: (apologetically) I know. I didn't mean to do it this way. I...

Xander: (interrupts) Well, you did.

Cordelia gives him a sorry look. Xander stares back for a moment, then turns and goes away. Cordelia looks down at the pendant.

Cut to the halls at school the next day. Xander comes moping around the corner. A boy passes him in the halls.

Jack: Dude. (pats Xander's shoulder) Way to get dumped.

He continues down the hall, and Xander does the same. He looks up and sees Buffy coming the other way.

Xander: Ooo, Buffy, my bud, (takes her hand and stops her) you will not believe...

Buffy: (looks at him) Can't talk right now. Angel.

Xander: (lets go of her hand) Do you need help?

Buffy: It's alright.

She quickly resumes her rapid trek to the library. Xander watches her go, then continues down the hall. A group of girls passes around him, staring and giggling at him. He exhales and watches them go. A few steps further along he hears Harmony address him, and looks over at her.

Harmony: Gee, Xander, maybe you should learn a second language so that even more girls can reject you.

Xander just keeps moping along. A moment later he notices Amy heading toward the stairs in front of him. He looks back for an instant and then rushes over to her, takes her by the arm and pulls her aside.

Amy: What are you doing?

Xander: Amy. Good to see you. (takes a quick look around) You're a witch.

Amy: (glances around) No, I'm not. That, that was my mom, remember? (smiles)

Xander: Yeah, I'm thinking it runs in the family. I saw you working that mojo on Ms. Beakman. (gestures) behind himself Maybe I should go tell somebody about...

Amy: That's not even... (angrily) That is so mean!

Xander: (glares back) Blackmail is such an ugly word.

Amy: I didn't say blackmail.

Xander: Yeah, but I'm about to blackmail you, so I thought I'd bring it up.

Amy: (folds her arms) What do you want?

Xander: (chuckles) What do I want? I want some respect around here. I want, for once, to come out ahead. I want the Hellmouth to be working for me. You and me, Amy... (He looks back at Cordelia sitting with Harmony now) we're gonna cast a little spell.

Amy looks past him at Cordelia as well, then turns her eyes up at him.

An empty classroom. Xander closes the door behind himself as he follows Amy in.

Amy: A love spell?

Xander: Yeah. You know, just the basic can't eat, can't sleep, can't breathe anything but little old moi.

Amy: Well, that kind of thing is the hardest! I mean, to make someone love you for all eternity?

Xander: (waves his hand and shakes his head) Whoa! Whoa, back up. Who said anything about eternity? A man can only talk self-tanning lotion for so long before his head explodes.

Amy: Well, then I don't get it. If you don't wanna be with her forever, then what's the point?

Xander: The point is I want her to want me. Desperately. So I can break up with her and subject her to the same hell she's been puttin' me through.

Amy: (turns and steps away) Oh, I don't know, Xander. (turns back) Intent has to be pure with love spells.

Xander: Right. I intend revenge. Pure as the driven snow. Now, are you gonna play, or do we need to have another chat about invisible homework?

Amy: (considers) I'll need something of hers. (steps closer) A personal object.

Xander: Alright. (smiles and leaves the room)

Cut to the library. Giles is at the table studying a book. Buffy comes striding in and up to the table. She slaps the card that came with the roses into the book in front of him. Giles startles a bit and looks up.

Buffy 'Soon' what, Giles?

Giles: (tries to look innocent) I have no clue what you are talking about.

Buffy: (smiles) I bet you're in on this. Angel is good, but even he couldn't manage to send me flowers from Asia.

Cut to the hall. Xander sees Cordelia coming and waits for her. She spots him, pivots around and hurries

the other way. Xander does a fast walk to catch up and passes her, then spins around to stop her in her tracks.

Xander: Oh, come on, don't flatter yourself. I'm not gonna make a big scene. I just want the necklace back.

Cordelia: (in disbelief) What? I thought it was a gift.

Xander: No. Last night it was a gift. Today it's scrap metal. Figure I can melt it down and sell it for fillings or something.

Cordelia: You're pathetic!

Xander: Come on, I'm not gonna add to the Cordelia Chase castoff collection.

Cordelia: (glares at him) It's in my locker.

Xander: (points to her locker with his eyes) I can wait.

She gives him another look, then goes over to her locker. Xander steps to the side of the hall and leans against the lockers about ten feet from her. He watches the people passing by as she works her combination. She opens the locker and sets down a book. She glances over at him to see if he's looking.

Satisfied that he's not paying close attention she leans in behind the door, exhales, reaches under the collar of her blouse and pulls the necklace and pendant out. Xander just keeps looking around the hall. She undoes the clasp, takes it off and lets out a deep breath. She closes her locker, steps over to him and hands him the necklace.

Cordelia: Here. It's a good thing we broke up. Now I don't have to pretend I like it.

Xander just gives her a look and leaves.

Cut to the school that night. Cut to the science lab. Xander is holding a candle and sitting bare chested and cross-legged on the floor inside a large red symbol for woman painted on the floor. Three red vertical stripes are painted on his chest. Amy is at a lab table where she's waving the locket over her witch's brew, which is boiling in a beaker over a Bunsen burner.

Amy: Diana... goddess of love and the hunt... I pray to thee. Let my cries bind the heart of Xander's beloved. (lowers the necklace into the brew) May she neither rest nor sleep the brew sparks until she submits to his will only.

The flame of the burner becomes huge as the power of the spell emanates from the beaker and swirls above it and between her hands.

Amy: Diana, bring about this love and bless it.

The swirls of energy begin to return to the beaker and disappear.

Amy: (to Xander) Blow out the candle now!

The spell's power has dissipated. Xander blows out the candle and the screen goes black.

Cut to the school the next morning. Cut to the hall outside the lounge. Xander sees Cordelia and her friends sitting at a table and goes over to them with confidence. He rests one hand on the table and leans over it next to Cordelia, looking around at all the girls and giving them a smile. Cordelia looks up at him.

Cordelia: What?

Xander: (confidently) Morning, ladies. (to Cordelia) Some kind of weather we've been having, huh?

Cordelia: What do you want? You can't be sniffing around for more jewelry to melt, because all you ever gave me was that Smallmartlooking thing. (looks back down at her notebook)

Xander: (chuckles and leans in to) Cordelia, is this love? 'Cause maybe on you it doesn't look that different.

Cordelia: (pushes him away) What are you doing? Are you going, like, stalkerboy on me now?

Xander: (confused) Sorry. My mistake.

Cordelia: Yeah, I should say so.

He walks away. She looks at the other girls at the table.

Cordelia: What is his deal?

Cut to the library. Giles is sitting on the table looking through a book. Buffy is sitting in a chair across

from him. He gets off of the table and heads into his office. Xander walks in and up to the table.

Xander: I have a plan; we use me as bait.

Buffy: You mean make Drusilla and Spike come after you?

Xander: No, I mean chop me into little pieces and stick me on hooks for fish to nibble at 'cause it would be more fun than my life.

Buffy: Yeah. (gets up) I heard about you and Cordy. That's her loss. (leans on the table)

Xander: Yeah. Not really the popular theory.

Buffy: (looks up at him) You know what I'd like? Why don't you and I do something together tonight? Just the two of us.

Xander: (does a double take) Really?

Buffy: Yeah. We can comfort each other.

Xander: Well, would lap dancing enter into that scenario at all? 'Cause I find that very comforting. (grins)

She stands up, stares into his eyes and takes a step closer to him.

Buffy: (smiles) Play your cards right...

Xander: (stops her with his hand) Okay, uh... You do know that I'm Xander, right? I think the Angel missage has sent you off your rocker.

Buffy: (looks down) I don't know, I just... (looks up) heard that you and Cordy broke up, and I guess I was just surprised how glad I was. (plays with his shirt) It's funny, leans into him how you can see someone every day but not really see them. You know?

Xander: (smiles and chuckles nervously) Yeah, it's funny. And it's just gettin' funnier.

She puts her finger to his lips to quiet him and slowly leans toward him for a kiss. Behind them Amy walks into the library.

Amy: Xander, can I talk to you for a minute?

Buffy pulls back slightly Xander looks at Amy, back at Buffy, then at Amy again.

Xander: Yeah, okay.

Cut to the hall outside the library. Amy comes out with Xander right behind her. He makes sure the door is closed, looks in through the window at Buffy for a second, and then gives his attention to Amy.

Amy: Xander.

Xander: Yeah.

Amy: I don't think the spell worked out right.

Xander: Oh, yeah, it bombed. No biggie. (grins)

Amy: Well, we can always try again.

He looks back through the window and sees Buffy looking out at him.

Amy: I am still pretty new at this.

Xander: Oh, no, no, no. It's okay. You know what? It was wrong to meddle with the forces of darkness. I see that now. I think we've all grown. I gotta go.(moves to go back in Amy stops him with her hand) Oh, we don't have to cast any spells.

He sees Buffy staring out at him with her finger between her lips.

Amy: We can just... hang out.

Xander: Sure. (looks at Amy) What?

Amy: (smiles) Well, I liked spending time with you. You're so sweet. You know, it's funny how you can... you can see a person every day and...

He starts to realize what's going on.

Xander: Not really see them.

He looks in at Buffy again. She's still staring out at him, playing with her hair between her lips.

Amy: Exactly. So, anyway, I thought it might...

Another girl approaches them in the hall.

Cordette: Hi, Xander.

Xander: What?

Cordette: You're in Mr. Baird's history class, right?

Xander: Yeah.

Cordette: I thought maybe we could study together tonight.

Amy: (interrupts) Do you mind? We were talking.

The two girls look at stare each other. Xander begins to worry.

Xander: Uh, I really gotta go. Right now.

He heads down the hall away from them. They both just watch him go.

Cut to Xander's room at home. He barges in and slams the door behind him. He calms down a bit, takes the few steps over to his bed and sits on it. Behind him Willow sits up from under the covers wearing one of his shirts and touches him on the back. Xander jumps up in surprise and stares at her in shock.

Willow: Sorry. I wanted to surprise you.

Xander: (grins nervously) Good job! High marks.

Willow: Don't be so jumpy. I've been in your bed before.

Xander: Yeah, but Will, we were both in footy pajamas.

Willow: Xand, I've been thinking.

Xander: Will, I, I think I know what you've been thinking. But this is all my fault. I cast a spell, and it sort of backfired.

Willow: (rubs the sheets) How long have we been friends?

Xander: (very nervous) A long, long time. Too long to do anything that might change that now.

Willow: (moves to the edge of the bed) Well, friendships change all the time. People grow apart. They grow closer. (smiles up at him)

Xander: Uh, this is good! How close we are now. I feel very comfortable with this amount of closeness. In fact, (points behind himself) I can even back up a few paces and still be happy. steps back See? (smiles, still nervous)

She gets up from the bed and approaches him. His shirt is the only thing she's wearing.

Willow: I want you, Xander... (smiles) to be my first!

Xander: (extremely nervous) Baseman. Please tell me we're talking baseball.

He starts to back up when she reaches him. She puts her hands up against his chest.

Willow: Shhh.

He backs into the door. She rubs her hands up and down his chest.

Willow: We both know it's right. (leans into him for a kiss)

Xander: (backs his head away) It's not that I don't find you sexy.

Willow: (leans away to look at him) Is it Oz? (shakes her head) Don't worry about him. He's sweet, but... he's not you. (rubs his chest more)

Xander: Yes, he is. And you should go to him. 'Cause he's me. (grins)

She leans up to the side of his face and starts to suck on his earlobe. Xander is sweating bullets now, having

no idea how to handle this.

Xander: I, I don't wanna use force.

She lets go of his ear and leans back to face him again with a wide smile on her face.

Willow: Mm. Force is okay!

She tries for his ear again, but he takes her by the arms and pushes her away. She stares at him in confusion.

Xander: Th, that's it! This has gotta stop. It's time for me to act like a man. (opens the door behind him) And hide. (rushes out)

Cut to the hall at school. Cordelia comes in at the far end and walks up to her friends standing there in a huddle. They all cross their arms and face her when she arrives.

Cordelia: Ha. Very funny. What did I do now, wear red and purple together?

Harmony: You know what you did. Xander is wounded because of you.

They all walk past her in disgust. She turns around, and they face her when she speaks.

Cordelia: Are you tripping? I thought you wanted me to break up with him!

Harmony: Only a sick pup would let Xander get away, no matter what her friends said.

They all give her a huff and leave.

Cordelia: What does it take to make you people happy?

Cut to a pair of doors in the halls. The camera is at a low angle for a shot of Xander's shoes as he pushes open the doors and walks into the hall in slow motion to the tune of "Got the Love" by The Average White Band.

/Hey, yeah/

/Got the love, got the love/

Cut to Xander staring at all the girls looking at him with love in their eyes, some giggling, some giving him sexy looks, some just watching him walk.

/Mm, yeah/

/Got the love, got the love/

He looks over at the other side of the hall, and it's more of the same.

/Got the love, got the love/

/Sugar baby/

/Got the love, got the love/

Xander keeps walking up the hall. The guys are clearly not happy that he has the attention of all the girls.

/Oh, now, babe, you've been gone such a long time/

Behind him the girls start to gather and follow.

/Been thinkin' 'bout what it is we got/

Several girls cross in front of him and check him out.

/Not all the time in the world/

/Whoo!/

/But got a lot/

Xander looks around in disbelief.

/Now, there's much more than a ghost of a chance/

More girls stare at him walking by, and he gets looks and shakes of heads from the guys.

/We can make it right this time/

A group of four girls starts to tail him down the hall.

/'Cause you've got to stay mine/

Cut to the library. Xander comes in, closes the door behind him and checks to see if any of the girls are following him in.

/Yeah, I got the love/

/Got the love, got the love/

Satisfied he has no stalkers, he heads into the library to find Giles as the music fades out.

/We got to make it work/

/Got the love, got the love/

Giles: (comes down the stairs) Xander. (looks at him) What is it? (sets his books down)

Xander: It, it's me... throwing myself at your mercy.

Giles: What? Why? (takes off his glasses to clean them)

Xander: I made a mess, Giles. See, I found out that Amy's into witchcraft, and I was hurt, I guess, so I... made her put the love whammy on Cordy, but it backfired, and now every woman in Sunnydale wants to make me her cuddle monkey, which may sound swell on paper, but...

Jenny comes into the library behind them and strides up to Giles.

Jenny: Rupert, we need to talk. Hey, Xander. Nice shirt. (rubs his shirt) Look, Rupert, I know that you're angry at me, and I don't blame you, but I am not just gonna go away. (keeps rubbing Xander's arm) I mean, I care far too much about you to... )looks at Xander's arm) Have you been working out?

Xander gives Giles a 'see what I mean?' look. Giles grabs Jenny by the arms and pulls her away and behind him.

Jenny: Oh!

She stares at Xander with a look of desire in her eyes. Giles looks at her, at Xander, back at her, and finally back at Xander.

Giles: I cannot believe that you are fool enough to do something like this!

Xander: Oh, no, I'm twice the fool it takes to do something like this.

Jenny keeps staring at him while she plays with her necklace.

Giles: Has, uh... Has Amy tried to reverse the spell?

Xander: I get around Amy and all she wants to do is talk honeymoon plans.

Jenny: (steps toward Xander) Rupert, maybe I need to talk to Xander alone.

Giles: (pushes her back) Do you have any idea how serious this is? People under a, a love spell, Xander, are, are deadly. They lose all capacity for reason.

He looks at Jenny who has begun rubbing her hands over her face and neck, then down her body.

Giles: (to Xander) And if what you say is true and the entire female population is affected, I... (sternly) Don't

leave the library. (Jenny keeps staring) I'll find Amy and see if we can put a stop to this thing.

He starts to leave the library. Jenny rubs her fingers together, alone at last with Xander, and sashays up to him. He steps back away from her. Giles walks back up to them, takes Jenny by the hand and pulls her out of the library behind him. Jenny moans and reaches her arm out to Xander as Giles drags her off.

Jenny: No!

Xander realizes he's finally alone without any girls around, and quickly moves to push the mobile card catalog in front of the doors in an attempt to keep it that way. As he heads back toward the table Buffy pulls the door out and open and steps in wearing only a short black raincoat that reaches barely down to midthigh and black high heels.

When Xander hears the door swing shut and smack the card catalog behind him he spins around and stares at Buffy in shock. She is standing there with one hand on the catalog and the other propped up on top of the theft detector and smiles at him as she raises her right ankle and rubs it against her left calf.

Buffy: Alone at last.

Xander: (stares openmouthed) Buff, give me a heart attack!

Buffy: Oh, (starts a sexy walk toward him) I'm gonna give you more than that. (grabs her raincoat belt to untie it.)

Xander: (backs away, gesturing with his hands) Buff, for the love of God, don't open that raincoat.

Buffy: Come on! It's a party! Aren't you gonna open your present? (undoes a button)

Xander: (keeps backing toward the stairs nervously) It's not that I don't want to. Sometimes the remote impossible possibility that you might like me was all that sustained me. But not now. (trips and falls backward onto the stairs) Not like this. Deadboy would kill me, and this isn't real to you. (Buffy steps up and puts her leg over him) You're only here because of a spell. (gets a confused stare from her) I mean, if I thought you had one clue what it would mean to me... (shakes his head) But you don't. So I can't.

Buffy: (starts to get upset) So you're saying this is all a game?

Xander: A game? I... No!

Buffy: (angry) You make me feel this way, and then you reject me? What am I, a toy?

Xander: Buffy, please calm down.

Buffy: I'll calm down when you explain yourself!

Amy: (appears behind them) Get away from him. (Buffy turns to her) He's mine.

Buffy: (steps toward Amy) Oh, I don't think so. (looks back at him) Xander, tell her.

Xander: What? I, uh...

Amy: He doesn't have to say. (Buffy looks back at her) I know what his heart wants.

Buffy: Funny, I know what your face wants.

She swings and punches Amy in the face. She falls to the floor. Buffy confronts Xander.

Buffy: What is this, you're two timing me?

Xander doesn't know what to say. Amy gets up. Her nose is bloody and her eyes have become pitch black. She begins to weave a spell with her hands.

Amy: Goddess Hecate, work thy will.

Xander: Uhoh.

The spell's energy swirls around her.

Amy: Before thee let the unclean thing crawl!

She thrusts her arms out at Buffy, and the power of the spell leaps from her hands and envelops the Slayer. The energy soon dissipates.

Xander: Buffy! (stares in utter disbelief) Oh, my God!

Xander looks down at Buffy's empty raincoat lying on the floor, then back up at Amy. Giles comes back into the library with Jenny.

Giles: What, what just happened?

Xander indicates the raincoat Buffy. Jenny smiles broadly when she sees Xander and tries to go to him, but Giles holds her back.

Giles: Where is she?

They both look down at the raincoat. Cut to a shot of a sleeve. Buffy has been turned into a rat, and she

comes crawling out.

Giles: Oh, my God!

Amy: (steps over to Xander) Why is she here? (gestures at Jenny)

Xander: Can you focus for a minute? You just turned Buffy into a rat.

Buffy starts to scamper across the floor. Giles follows her with his gaze.

Amy: (to Xander) Buffy can take care of herself. (takes his arm) Why don't we go someplace private?

Jenny puts her hands on her hips and gives Amy a haughty look. Giles looks around for where Buffy went.

Xander: (jerks his arm away) Can you... I'm not going anywhere until you change her back.

Jenny: (steps over to Amy) You heard him. So why don't you undo your little magic trick and get lost?

Amy: Who made you Queen of the World? Well, you're old enough to be.

Jenny: Well, what can I say? (grabs Xander by the arm) I guess Xander's just too much man (pulls him closer) for the pimple squad.

Amy puts her arm between them and pushes Xander away from Jenny. She waves her hands before her and begins to cast another spell. Her eyes turn pitchblack, and energy begins to swirl around her as she speaks.

Amy: Goddess Hecate, to you I pray, with this...

Xander: (puts his hand over Amy's mouth) Would you quit with the Hecate?! (pulls her back and away)

Cut to the halls. Cordelia is at her locker and closes it. She starts down the hall, but runs into Harmony and friends waiting to confront her.

Cordelia: Okay, what now? You don't like my locker combination?

Harmony: (hands on her hips) It's just not right. You never loved him. You just used him. You make me sick.

Cordelia: (sarcastically) Okay, Harmony, if you need to borrow my Midol, just ask.

Harmony slaps Cordelia across the face. She holds her hand to her face and looks at Harmony in surprise.

She turns to go the other way, but Cordette blocks her way and pushes her up against the lockers. Then she and another girl pull her away from the wall and shove her down to the floor.

Cut to the library. Giles has had enough and talks sternly to Amy and Jenny.

Giles: You two, sit. (Amy goes to the table) And be quiet. (Jenny joins her) We have to catch the Buffy rat. (takes

off his coat)

Xander: (spots) Buffy Ooo, there!

Buffy squeezes behind a bookcase as he rushes to try to catch her. Amy and Jenny sit down at the table across from one another, each staring at the other.

Xander is too late to get Buffy, but he sees her crawl along the space behind the case toward the other end. He quickly crawls along the front of the case to head her off. Giles watches at the end that Xander just left. Xander peeks around the other end of the bookcase to wait for Buffy to come out.

Xander: Good Buffy. Just...

He sees someone come up next to him and looks up. There he sees Oz standing over him, and the next thing he knows Oz has punched him in the face. He stumbles backward into the shelves. Giles is startled and looks up as well. Oz shakes out his hand. Buffy makes her escape from behind the bookcase and goes out of the library doors into the hall.

Oz: (still shaking his hand) That kinda hurt.

Xander: (rubbing his cheek) Kinda?! What was that for?

Oz: I was on the phone all night, listening to Willow cry about you. Now, I don't know exactly what happened, but I was left with a very strong urge to... hit you. (offers his hand to help Xander up)

Xander: (takes Oz's hand and gets up) I didn't touch her. I swear.

Giles: (upset) Xander! Where's Buffy? (starts looking again)

Xander: (to Oz) Amy turned her into a rat.

Oz: (looks around) Oh.

Giles and Xander get on their knees and look around while making squeaking noises. Oz crouches down to look as well.

Giles: I don't see her. If anything happens to her, I'll... (looks at Xander in disgust) Oh, just go home. (stands up) Lock yourself away. You're only going to cause more problems here. Now, Amy, Jenny and I will, uh... try and break the spell. (the women stand up) Oz, if, if you could aid us in, in finding, um... Buffy.

Oz: Sure. Absolutely.

Xander starts to say something, but Giles cuts him off before he can even get out a word, doing his best to control his anger.

Giles: Just go. Get out of my sight.

Xander doesn't take it very well and stares at Giles for a moment with his mouth agape, but then goes with his head hung low. Oz crouches back down to look for Buffy.

Oz: Buffy...

Cut to the hall. Xander comes out of the library, still looking down, when he hears Cordelia cry out and looks down the hall toward her voice.

Cordelia: What are you doing?! You guys are crazy!

He sees a group of girls apparently involved in a catfight.

Harmony: You thought you could do better, is that it?

Cordelia: No, I...

Cordette: We'll knock that snotty attitude right out of you!

The crowd of girls opens a bit, and Xander sees that it is indeed Cordelia that they are attacking. He starts running toward them, and when they see him coming several of them break off and come at him, screaming and shouting. In their lust they try to grab him as the others push Cordelia to the floor. He fights his way through them and over to Cordelia, where one girl has begun pulling at her hair.

Cordelia: Ow! Stop!

When he reaches her, he pushes the hairpulling girl aside, picks up Cordelia from the floor into his arms and shakes the girls off as he runs from the hall. They all chase after him.

Cut to the library. Jenny paces while Giles sits at the table and goes through some books. Amy, seated opposite him, wipes the blood from her nose.

Giles: You must have botched the ritual so that Cordelia's necklace actually protected her from the spell. Th, th, that one should be easily reversible. Ww, where did you learn animal transformation?

Amy: (looks up at Giles) Why did you send Xander away? Giles puts his hands to his eyes in despair He needs me.

Jenny: (chortles) That's a laugh.

Amy: (to Jenny) He loves me. We look into each other's souls.

Jenny: No one can love two people at once. What we have is real.

Giles: Instead of making me ill, why doesn't one of you try to help me?

Amy: (looks back into her pocket mirror) You have no idea what I'm going through.

Giles: (gets up to Amy, sternly) I know it's not love. It's obsession. Selfish, banal obsession. (Jenny starts out of the library) Now, Xander has put himself in very great danger. If you cared at all about him, you'd help me save him, rather than wittering on about your feelings. (Amy looks away from him. Jenny goes out the door.) Giles pokes his fingers into the book in front of Amy.

Giles: Now, let's get on with some work. (turns to Jenny) Now, Jenny... (sees she's gone) Great!

Cut to an exit from the halls to outside. Xander and Cordelia come running out.

Xander: I think we... (sees a crowd of girls waiting for them) lost 'em.

Willow is at the front of the crowd holding a large fire ax.

Willow: I should've known I'd find you with her.

Xander: Will... Come on, you don't wanna hurt me.

Willow: Oh, no? You don't know how hard this is for me. I love you so much! I'd rather see you dead than with that bitch.

She raises the ax and advances toward him. The others start toward him as well. Harmony and her friends come running out of the hall now, too, and confront the crowd. The girls all scream and yell as they fight. Harmony grabs Willow's ax and wrestles her for it.

Harmony: Get away from him! He's mine!

As the girls all fight Xander and Cordelia make their escape. When the girls realize they've gone they start to give chase. Cut to the school basement door standing ajar. Buffy scampers in and hops down each step. She makes her way over to the boiler room. Oz has managed to track her and comes down the steps behind her with a flashlight. When he reaches the bottom of the steps he scans around, looking for where she went.

Buffy goes into the boiler room, and Oz soon follows. A cat sees Buffy and meows meanly at her. Buffy squeaks and runs off. The cat chases after her. Cut to Buffy's street. Xander and Cordelia come running down it and slow to a walk.

Xander: Okay, now I really think we've lost them.

Cordelia: Damn it, Xander, what's going on? Who died and made you Elvis?

Xander: (sees the house) Buffy's house. Let's get inside. I'll explain later.

They run up to the door and Xander knocks fast and loud, looking back to see if the crowd of girls has found them yet. Cordelia joins in the knocking.

Cordelia: (frantic) Come on!

Joyce: (opens the door) Xander, Cordelia, what...

They push their way in past her.

Cordelia: Yeah, hi.

She slams the door shut behind her, and she and Xander look out the small windows in the door to make sure there's still no one following them. Cut inside the kitchen. Xander walks in with Joyce and Cordelia close behind.

Joyce: What happened? Why are you all scratched up? Where's Buffy?

Xander: She's, um... around.

Joyce: (gestures to a stool) Well, sit down and tell me about it. (Xander sits) (to Cordelia) Why don't you run upstairs and grab some bandages out of the bathroom?

Cordelia goes down the hall toward the stairs. Joyce looks at Xander again.

Joyce: Let me, uh, get you something to drink. You in the mood for cold or hot?

Xander: I, uh... (shrugs with his hands)

Joyce: (walks around behind him) I think it's (starts rubbing his shoulders) more of a hot night, don't you? (leans in and giggles)

Xander: (drops his head to the table) Whatever.

Joyce: (massages his shoulders) Ooo, you are so tense. (kisses his neck) Mm.

Cordelia: (comes back) What are you doing? Make me yak!

Joyce: (defensive) Cordelia, go back upstairs. This is between us.

Cordelia: Gross! I think not.

She grabs Joyce by the arm and pushes her back toward the door and opens it.

Joyce: What are you doing? Hey! Get your hands off me!

Cordelia pushes her out of the door, slams it shut and locks it.

Cordelia: And keep your mom-aged mitts off my boyfriend. Former! (to Xander) Why has everyone gone insane?

Xander: Insane? Is it so impossible for you to believe that other women find me attractive?

Cordelia: The only way you could get girls to want you would be witchcraft.

Xander: That is such a... (concedes) Well, yeah, okay, good point.

Joyce breaks one of the kitchen door windowpanes.

Cordelia: Oh, my God!

Joyce reaches in and feels around for the lock.

Joyce: Xander, honey, let Joycie in. Hon, let Joycie in!

Xander gets up, takes hold of Cordelia and leads her out of the kitchen at a run.

Xander: Upstairs! Buffy's room!

Joyce: (finds and works the lock) Sweetheart...

Cut to Buffy's room. They run in, and Cordelia slams the door shut. Xander goes to the window and checks outside.

Xander: Good. The mob still hasn't found us. We should be safer up here.

Just as he looks back from the window Drusilla grabs him from outside. Spike is downstairs, just outside the window. She pulls Xander out onto the roof.

Cordelia: (terrified) Xander!

The boiler room at school. The cat has apparently gone or been chased away. Buffy crawls around, trying to find the source of a scent. The camera pans behind some crates over to a trap baited with cheese.

Cut to the roof outside of Buffy's window. Cordelia comes up to the window and looks out at them.

Xander: Cordy, get outta here!

Drusilla: Don't fret, kitten. Mummy's here.

Spike: I don't know what you're up to, Dru, but it's not funny!

Drusilla: If you harm one hair on this boy's head... (strokes his hair)

Spike: You've gotta be kidding. Him?

Drusilla: Just because I finally found a real man... (turns Xander to face her)

Spike: It figures the great poof isn't even here to see you finally completely snap.

Drusilla: (runs her fingers over Xander's lips) Your face is a poem. (moans) I can read it.

Xander: (terrified) Really? It doesn't say 'spare me' by any chance?

Drusilla: Shhh. (kisses him) How do you feel about eternal life?

Xander: (trembles with fear) We couldn't just start with a coffee? A movie, maybe?

She grabs his hair and jerks his head to the side, exposing his neck. She moves in to bite him, but gets distracted by the screams of the mob of women running at them. Willow leads them with her ax. Jenny and the rest are right behind. Some of the others have weapons as well.

Girl: There he is! Get them!

Jenny: He's mine! Get off!

Drusilla lets go of Xander. Willow shoves her aside. Jenny jumps onto Xander and knocks him to the ground. All the girls are screaming. Several of them including Harmony begin to paw at him. Willow stands over him with her ax. Cordelia comes out of the house and rushes toward the mob. Xander gets pinned down, and Willow raises her ax to strike.

Willow: All you had to do was love me!

Cordelia: No!

She grabs the ax and shoves Willow over and onto the ground, then tries to free Xander.

Cordelia: Get out of the way! Move it! Get off him!

She pushes the one that has him pinned down off of him, grabs his hand and pulls him up.

Cordelia: Back off!

She pushes him ahead of her, and they start to run back to the house. They just manage to slam the door in the faces of their pursuers. Cut to outside the door to the kitchen. Drusilla hits it with both hands, and it goes crashing to the floor. Two girls rush in beside her.

Girl: I love you!

When Drusilla tries to follow an unseen force prevents from entering the house. Spike makes an attempt to calm her.

Spike: Sorry, Dru. (she turns to face him) I guess you're not invited.

Cut to Xander and Cordy inside the front door. Joyce comes up behind them holding a large knife.

Joyce: It's never gonna work for us, Xander. We have to end it.

The other two girls come up behind her. Cordelia yells out in fright as Xander pulls her away from the door. Cut inside the basement. Xander and Cordelia rush in. He pulls the door closed behind him and hooks it shut.

Cut to the boiler room. Oz continues scanning with his flashlight.

Oz: Here, Buffy.

Cut to the trap. The camera pans up from it over to a pile of rags. Buffy climbs over the pile and heads for the trap.

Cut to the science lab. Giles and Amy have a beaker of brew going over a Bunsen burner. Giles checks everything and is satisfied.

Giles: Right. (to Amy) Go on. You first.

Cut to the basement at Buffy's house. The door is being yanked at violently. Xander has hammered a couple of boards across the doorframe and looks back at Cordelia.

Xander: Gimme a nail!

She hands him a nail and he goes back to hammering.

Cordelia: If we die in here I'm gonna kick your ass! I mean it!

Xander: (looks back at her) None of this would've happened if you hadn't broken up with me. But no, you're so desperate to be popular! (hammers)

Cordelia: Me? I'm not the one who embraced the black arts just to get the girls to like me. Well, congratulations, it worked!

Xander: (looks at her) Would've worked fine, except your hide's so thick, not even magic can penetrate it! (hammers)

She is surprised by that, and reaches out to him. He turns to face her again.

Cordelia: You mean the spell was for me?

They look at each other for a moment, then a knife blade stabs through the door. Cordelia screams, and they both run down the steps. Once at the bottom they hear glass breaking and see a hand reach in through the basement window.

Girl reaching in: Oh, please let me touch you!

Cut to the boiler room. Buffy crawls onto the trap.

Cut to the science lab. Amy begins her chant.

Amy: Goddess of creatures great and small, I conjure thee to withdraw.

Cut to the boiler room. Oz continues looking for Buffy. Cut to the lab.

Amy: Hecate, I hereby license thee to depart.

Giles sprinkles a powder into the beaker and it sparks. Cut to the boiler room. A bright light begins to flash from behind the crate where Buffy is. Oz holds up his flashlight and squints against the light. In a few seconds it's over.

Oz: Buffy?

She raises her head and looks around from behind the crate. Cut to the basement at the Summers house. Cordelia screams as she and Xander run into the area where the washer and dryer are. Willow finally gets the door open.

Cordelia: Oh, my God!

Xander spots a large pipe wrench and grabs it to use as a weapon.

Xander: Stay behind me.

Willow ducks under the boards Xander nailed across the doorframe and starts down the stairs. Joyce is right behind her with her knife. A crowd of girls follows them. Cordelia and Xander retreat into the corner by the water heater.

Cut to the lab at school. Giles takes a pinch of an herb from a jar.

Giles: Um... Diana, goddess of love, be gone.

He puts the herb into the brew and it sparks.

Giles: Hear no more thy siren's song.

Cut to Buffy's basement. Willow leads the way in. When they find Xander and Cordelia they all charge them, screaming and shouting. They knock Xander and Cordelia to the floor. The two of them have to fight off the girls' grabbing hands.

Cordelia: Get off!

Willow has dropped her ax and paws at them like the others. Xander struggles to keep from being torn apart. Cut to the lab. Giles waves Cordelia's pendant over the brew and drops it in. Suddenly a cloud of energy appears above them, and they have to hold on to the lab table to keep from being knocked down. The energy draws in from the windows and spirals down into the beaker. As quickly as it was there it's gone.

Cut to the basement. The gang of girls stops struggling. Cordelia pushes one of them away.

Cordelia: Get off me!

They all stand up and look around at each other.

Girl: What's going on? Where am I? What's going on?

Cut to the boiler room. Buffy stands up and Oz raises his flashlight and shines it on her. She looks down at herself. He immediately raises the light away from her and turns it off. She hugs her arms around herself to cover up.

Buffy: (smiles) Hi, Oz!

Oz: Hi.

Buffy: I seem to be having a slight case of nudity here.

Oz: But you're not a rat. So call it an upside.

Buffy: You think maybe you could get me some clothing?

Oz: Yes, I can. Just, uh... don't go anywhere. (leaves)

Buffy: (looks around) Really not an issue.

Cut to Joyce's basement. Everyone is still confused. Joyce looks around at all the people in her basement.

Joyce: What... What did we...

Cordelia: (thinking quick) Boy, that was the best scavenger hunt ever.

She and Xander smile at everyone lamely.

Cut to the halls at school the next day. Xander and Buffy come walking around the corner and continue toward the library.

Buffy: Scavenger hunt.

Xander: Your mom seemed to buy it.

Buffy: So she says. I think she's just so wigged at hitting on one of my friends that she's repressing. She's getting pretty good at that. I should probably start worrying.

Xander: Well, I'm back to being incredibly unpopular.

Buffy: It's better than everyone trying to ax-murder you, right?

Xander: Mostly, but, uh... Willow won't even talk to me.

Buffy: Any particular reason she should?

Xander: How much groveling are we talking here?

Buffy: Oh, a month, at least. (they stop and face each other) Xander, come on, I mean... this is worse for her than anyone. She loved you before you invoked the great Roofie spirit. The rest of us...

Xander: You remember, huh?

Buffy: Oh, yeah. I remember coming on to you, I remember begging you to undress me... And then a sudden need for cheese. I also remember that you didn't.

Xander: Need cheese?

Buffy: Undress me. It meant a lot to me what you said.

Xander: C'mon, Buffy, I couldn't take advantage of you like that. Okay, for a minute, it was touch and go there...

Buffy: You came through. There might just be hope for you yet.

Xander: Well, tell that to Cordelia.

Buffy: You're on your own there.

She goes off down the hall leaving Xander alone.

Cut to the colonnade. Cordelia, Harmony and friends come walking around under the balcony and head toward the foot of the stairs.

Harmony: Cody Weinberg called me at home last night.

Cordelia: Cody Weinberg? The one with the 350sl?

Harmony: The very one. Said he's thinking of asking me to the pledge dance on Thursday.

Cordelia: That's so huge!

Harmony: Yeah, there's just two other girls he's gonna ask first, and if they refuse, then I'll...

Xander bumps into Harmony as they round the corner to the stairs.

Harmony: Watch it!

Xander: Sorry.

Harmony: God! (looks him up and down) Y'know, I'm glad your mom stopped working at the drive-through long enough to dress you. (to Cordelia) Oh, that reminds me. (Xander starts away) Did you see Jennifer's backpack? It is so a crying...

Cordelia: (interrupts) Harmony, shut up. (Xander looks back) Do you know what you are, Harmony? You're a sheep.

Harmony: I'm not a sheep.

Cordelia: You're a sheep. All you ever do is what everyone else does just so you can say you did it first. And here I am, scrambling for your approval, when I'm way cooler than you are 'cause I'm not a sheep. I do what I wanna do, and I wear what I wanna wear. And you know what? (Xander smiles) I'll date whoever the hell I wanna date. No matter how lame he is.

Xander's smiles fades at that. Cordelia leaves the group and goes over to him. He smiles again. When she reaches him she takes his arm and they start walking together along the colonnade.

Cordelia: (breathing hard with anxiety) Oh, God! Oh, God!

Xander: (pats her hand) You're gonna be okay. Just keep walkin'.

Cordelia: Oh, God, what have I done? They're never gonna speak to me again!

Xander: Oh, sure, they are. If it helps, whenever we're around them you and I can fight a lot.

Cordelia: You promise?

Xander: (takes her hand in his) You can pretty much count on it.

They both smile as they continue walking.