- Continued from Part One..
"So she went with him?" I asked. I didn't get a reply at once, grandma seemed to be lost in thought.
"Grandma?"
"Yeah.. sorry Em, the memories get the better of me sometimes. I reckon that's it for today anyway, all this talk is making my mouth dry."
"I could make you some food and you could tell me the rest of the story after dinner."
"In your home you mean?" She paused when I nodded.
"I don't think your parents will care much for that."
"Screw them!" I declared. She laughed, but her laugh had a hint of sadness.
"I don't want to impose.."
"You're father's mother, how could you impose?"
"Emily.. your mother and I haven't talked in several years."
"Why? What happened?"
"You honestly don't remember, do you?"
"No.. what should I remember?" She just shook her head.
"If you don't remember, it's for the best. Thanks for lunch, I can walk home," and with that she trotted off, pretty feisty for an 80 year old. I looked after her, wondering what deep buried family secret were hidden in a forgotten past. It concerned me, that much I knew. But how?
As I racked my brains over it heading homewards, I suddenly remembered an old picture in the living room. Rather old looking, it showed a couple in front of a boat, grinning madly at the photographer.
Could it be the Footloose?
The house was empty when I got home. Tossing the car keys on the table, I took a look around, searching for the elusive picture. I found it behind one of me from kindergarten.
It had to be them. He had an arm around her waist, both were grinning at the camera with broad smiles. I couldn't see the name of the boat, but my money were on 'Footloose'.
"Em.." came my mother's voice, and I turned around, still holding the picture. Her gaze fell on it.
"You remember, don't you?" she asked.
"Remember what?" slipped out of me before I could think.
"Lisa? Emily?"
We both turned to dad who was walking in. He looked at the picture in my hand, then at me.
"Does she…" he trailed off.
"Remember? Do I remember what? I feel like I'm in a bloody conspiracy!!" I shouted, and ran upstairs, still clutching the picture. I placed it on my desk, where it still stands.
I dreamt about the boat that night, that I were on it, with someone else, someone I feared.
I woke up sweating, feeling like I was trying to tell myself something, something just out of reach.
I slammed the door unnecessarily hard as I walked out. It was a cloudy day, promising rain. It fitted my mood nicely as I drove the familiar way up to the home.
She was sitting in a deep chair, with a box on her lap, pushing it towards me as soon as I got within range.
"What's this?"
"What I have left of them," she said sombrely, "I want you to have it."
Peaking into it, I saw several framed pictures , some envelopes, some books, some smaller boxes.
"When I'm done with my story you can read it all yourself. Rachel kept a diary, ya see." I nodded.
"So, where were we?"
"She wanted to go to Venezuela with him."
"Yes.. and you can imagine what rumours flew around. Still, they didn't touch each other before going, to busy packing and preparing. Officially for a year, but I think Helen feared never seeing them again."
"Did she?"
"I'll get to that. The day before the grand departure, their colleagues threw them a huge party.."
~~~~~~~
"For they are jolly good fellows, and so say all of us.. so say all of us," chimed Sykes in as Rachel and Frank entered the office of the Sydney Water Police for what could be the last time.
They laughed.
"What's this, a party?" Frank asked, seeing all the bottles standing around.
"Couldn't let you go without a proper bang, now could we?" Jeff grinned, handing them some glasses.
"To Venezuela!" he offered, and glasses clinked. Frank sent Rachel a smile as they spread out to socialise. From tomorrow off she would be all his. The thought was overwhelming.
"You and Goldie eh?" Sykes said with a wink. Frank just kept his grin, giving a half shrug that could mean anything.
"You're lucky mate," Mick added, patting him on the shoulder.
The evening was filled with comments like that, but he didn't mind. He was walking around in a dream still. Laughter and loud voices filled the night, even when Frank and Rachel sneaked out, enjoying a quiet moment outside by the railing.
"I can't believe we're doing this," he said honestly.
"Me neither," she replied, gazing down at the compound.
"Regrets?"
"Some.. I'll miss this.. but I want to do it."
"Take on last round with me?" he offered, and she took his hand, walking around the familiar setting, taking in the details and savouring them.
Leaving was a bittersweet joy for both of them.
"8 a.m. on the pier?" he suggested as they headed off to sleep the last night at their respective homes.
"I'll be there," she replied, giving his hand one last squeeze before walking into the night. He stood a while longer listening to the happy voices before heading home.
Sleep was uneasy for both of them.
He got at the pier at 6 a.m. sharp, unable to sleep a second more. Fiddling with ropes, and stashing his stuff away he waited impatiently for the time to reach 8 a.m. And some small part of him were scared she had changed her mind, that she wasn't coming, that he'd hafta sail off all alone after all.
But 5 minutes to 8, she was there, so was David and Helen.
"Heya.. all set?" he asked as she came within hearing range.
"All set," she replied, tossing him some bags. He stuffed them away while she turned to David.
"Mum will send you many postcards, okay?" she said, barely withholding tears. He nodded, then handed her a piece of paper. She rolled it out, realising it was a drawn picture of her on a boat.
"Am I on it?" Frank asked, peaking over her shoulder. David nodded again, pointing to the top of the rig.
"Yeah, there I am."
Giving her son one last hug, Rachel jumped onto the boat.
"Take care Helen.. be nice pumpkin!" she called out as Frank began steering the boat away from the pier. David was waving fiercely, Helen had suspiciously blank eyes.
"GOODBYE!!!" both yelled, and then the honking from Harpy and Nemesis overwhelmed them.
"Go Goldie!! Go Frank!!" came Tommy's voice, Tayler shouting something about remembering to send postcards.
They waved and waved and waved until Sydney was behind them, and the ocean ahead.
"We did it," Frank remarked, the wind catching hold of the sails, carrying them with speed into the adventure.
"Yeah.. you think we can get to Brisbane without driving each other nuts?"
"Depends what kind of nuts you are thinking off," he replied smugly. She thwarted him playfully, gazing over his shoulder to the endless amount of water waiting for them.
"You and me sailing off into the sunrise, who would have thought?"
"Helen did," Rachel said with a smile, "she was convinced we would get our act together." She left his side for a moment to lean over the railing, feeling the fresh smell of salt in her face.
"Don't tell me you're seasick already," he said with a snicker.
"Nah.. just enjoying the view.."
"So am I," he grinned, and she realised he was referring to her bum, which was sticking up as she leaned over the railing. She got on her feet, shaking her head.
"How did you ever convince me to come with you?"
"I have an irresistible charm!"
"In your dreams Holloway!"
He looked at her with the broadest smile she had ever seen.
"But this is my dream, Rach. This is my dream."
~~~~~~~
"So they were happy?" I asked, seeing how grandma was smiling at the memory.
"Yeah.. they were. And with work out of the way, they had no excuses for not exploring a relationship anymore."
"Does that mean what I think it means?"
"Oh yes. That night they anchored up in a small bay…"
~~~~~~~
He was leaning against the railing as she ascended from inside the boat, looking up at the clear night sky. She paused a second to study him. He seemed somewhat younger, or maybe she was just looking at him in a different light.
"Heya," she said as got down beside him. He peaked at her, seeing how totally relaxed she was, sneaking an arm around her shoulders. She smiled, taking the hand in hers, tracing slow circles on his palm.
He lifted a hand to her cheek, turning her face towards his as he grasped her lips with his. Tenderly at first, almost butterfly kisses on her nose, her eyelids, her chin. She lifted her head to let him wander down her neck. He paused at the hollow of her throat, looking up at her.
"Are you sure you want this Rach?" he asked honestly.
"If I weren't, don't ya think you found be bathing in the water by now?" He chuckled, the lowered her to the deck, placing himself beside her.
The boat was rocking slowly in the waves all the way till morning.
Frank poked his head up from below decks just as the sun rose, basking in the warmth. It was all too good to be true, he reckoned, he would probably have to pay for it, but right now he didn't care.
"Is it morning already?" came Rachel's sleepy voice behind him.
"No.. we can stay in bed a little longer!" he exclaimed, pulling her into a hug. She laughed.
"Pig!"
"Woman!"
"Woman is an insult?" she asked with a head shake, "you're hopeless Holloway!" He was too busy letting his hands wander to reply. After a while she found she had forgotten what they were talking about in the first place.
~~~~~~~
"They were like that?"
"Oh yeah.. they sailed up to Brisbane, before heading off to New Zealand. Some of the cards they sent to the office are in that box.. you can read a lot between the lines. They had a happy first 6 months, I don't think they had one fight.. the first time are often like that, you're so happy everyone else finds it disgusting."
"Were mum and dad ever like that?" She looked at me intently.
"Yes.. but the in love phases passes, and if you're lucky, the love remains. In that sense, Frank and Rachel were lucky.. they had known each other for four years already. I think they knew it was for keeps. Your mom and dad.. they haven't had an easy life, so you shouldn't judge them."
"You're sticking up for them?" I could feel anger rising, for 20 years I had been denied the knowledge of my family, and now she DEFENDED them?
"Em.. your parents had their reasons, and the main one was you."
"Me?"
"Yes, you. You're mother was 31 when she had you, and you were like a treasure to them both. Much like I were to mine.. I was a bit of a surprise, you see, 6 months into their sailing adventure…"
~~~~~~~
Frank glanced over at Rachel, who were leaning over the railing again. She seemed to have been sick a lot lately, enough to make him worry. Still, she had been to the town's doctor, so if anything was seriously wrong he supposed she would tell him soon enough.
They had anchored up in a small town for the week, to get some supplies and some decent meals. Some suntan lotion too, before they both got severely burned. They had run out of it a few days before, and with the great weather they had, it was best to be on the safe side.
"If I knew you were going to get seasick I wouldn't have brought you!" he joked as she got on her feet. She shot him a killer look.
"I'm not seasick, and all this is *your* fault anyway!"
"My fault?"
"Yes, you were the donating partner here!"
"What the hell are you talking about Rach?" he asked, walking up to her. She gazed up at him, battling several responses.
"Well, did you pay attention in biology class? Specifically to the bit on how to make a baby?"
"Yeah…" he paused, "are you saying that my.. and your.. that we've made a baby?" When she nodded his eyes grew wide in shock, then a wide smile filled his face.
"That's amazing! That's just…" he searched for words. She laughed.
"Easy for you to say, I'll be the one doing all the work!"
He seemed to stand shell-shocked for a few more moments, then he lifted up in the air, spinning her around.
"Put me down!" she protested, but to no avail as swung her around.
"Frank, if you don't put me down this minute I'll throw up over you!" He finally relented, putting her down on the deck, still with his arms around her. After a moment's hesitation, he decided to go for it. Creating a big deal out of it simply wasn't his thing.
"Rachel Goldstein, will you marry me?" he simply asked. This time it was her eyes who widened in shock.
"Frank!"
"What, I'm just doing the respectable thing here," he grinned.
"You want to marry me because I'm pregnant?"
"No, because I love you, but don't tell anyone," he said, taking her head in his hands and kissing her quite thoroughly. When he came up for air, she thwarted him, but not really hard.
"That's a yes?"
"A no would mean you taking a dive into the water," she grinned, tracing his jaw line.
"Right.. I forgot that was the standard rule." He paused a while to consider how to approach the next subject on his mind.
"So.. want to head back to Sydney? To settle down and be respective parents?"
"You think we can?"
"Nah.. but we can do it our way!" he exclaimed, already jotting down plans in his head.
"What about Venezuela?" she asked dubious.
"Venezuela ain't going nowhere, and besides, I want to see Jeff's face when I parade you around the office with a little Holloway growing inside you…"
She couldn't help but laugh.
"If it's a boy, we're not naming it Frank though, another Frank Holloway would be too much for the world to handle!"
"Ya reckon?"
"Oh yeah!"
He buried his head in her hair, unable to really believe she would carry his baby, his son or daughter. It was a small miracle, not only had he spent a fantastic 6 months with this fabulous woman in his arms, now he got a living proof of their love for each other as well.
"Frank," she said softly, "I love you, and yeah, I'll marry you."
An urge to shout from the rooftops came over him just how amazing life was. It was a silly though, and he dismissed it pretty fast, she would skin him alive if he did.
"We're scheduled to reach Wellington in a week.. how about it Mrs. Holloway?"
"3 Holloway's would be more than the Water Police can handle," she said dryly, "I think I'll stick with Goldstein."
~~~~~~~
"Did she stick with it?"
"For a while.. it became the office joke to call her Mrs. Holloway. But I'm getting ahead of myself again."
"What did the others at the office say?"
She laughed.
"I'll get to that. They sailed up to Wellington, and surely, they found a priest…"
~~~~~~~
"And do you Francis James Holloway, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health.." the priest droned, standing on the pier of Footloose. Before him stood the happy couple, she in a very new white dress, him in an equally new suit.
The Japanese and English tourists who had been asked to bear witness by Frank, were cheering from the pier. Rachel had protested, but Frank claimed it was for good luck. He had found them in the local bar, of course, the Japanese family were flashing their cameras so much it was blinding her.
"I do," Frank said honestly, staring into her deep blue eyes.
"I then declare you husband and wife. You may kiss your wife," the priest instructed, and Frank didn't need to be told twice, to great applause from the crowd.
"Remind me to deck you later for bringing an audience," she whispered in his ear.
"Thank you for coming.. now if you would all please sign this postcard.." Frank announced, and Rachel shot him a strange glance. He just winked.
"I can't believe I married this guy," she muttered to herself, then felt a wide grin emerge on her face. Fact of the matter was, she wouldn't change a thing.
The postcard arrived at the office a few days later, causing much speculation.
~~~~~~~
"It's in there, if you want to see."
"The postcard?"
"Yes."
Opening the box I quickly shuffled through some envelops, postcards from Brisbane, Fiji, New Guinea.. Wellington. Turning it, I could see all the different names on it, as well as a simple message.
"Can the Water Police handle three Holloway's?"
I couldn't help but laugh.
"You two would have got along nicely," grandma remarked.
"I'm sorry I never got to meet him."
She smiled sadly, I could swear I saw an tear in her eye, but she quickly wiped her eyes.
"I wish I had spent more time with him as well. I really wanted him and mum to have been there when I gave birth to James."
"Dad," I remarked.
"Yes, your dad. I felt very alone then, I had just lost John."
"John was dad's father?"
"Yes.. we were partners for a while in the police force, funny how history repeats itself. For two years we never even kissed.. then one night.."
"Sounds awfully familiar, yes."
She lifted her gaze to my face, I could see her twist a golden ring in her hand.
"Yes, but you see, we didn't gamble. We agreed it was a mistake, and he got a transfer."
"Oh no!" I muttered, mostly to myself.
"I was going to tell him about the baby, when they told me he was dead. Stabbed. Not until his brother gave me his diary, did I understand how he felt. I was heart-broken, and very alone. But I carried a piece of him in me. Your father. I had so many hopes for him, so many plans.. I was going to make him a true Holloway."
Something clicked in my mind then, for the first time I began seeing my father with new eyes.
"He didn't want to join the police did he?"
"No," she said simply, then she handed the ring over to me. "This is Rachel's wedding ring. She passed it on to me, I was going to pass it on to your father, but.. You take it."
I stared at her speechless, then took her hand in mine.
"Thanks," I said honestly, and truly meant it. She shrugged it off, though I began seeing through it. She was alone. Just like Rachel Goldstein had been, but there had been no Frank Holloway to rescue grandma. And dad.. my dad, had felt the terrible burden of living up to that kind of role model.
No wonder he didn't want to speak about his family. He didn't feel a part of it.
"What's on your mind Em?"
I looked up, realising I had trailed into deep thought.
"Did you parents love you when you were born?"
"Yeah.. It was a pretty dramatic, touch and go for a while."
"Tell me about it."
"Alright." She folded her hands, and took me back again, 80 years ago and yet so near me.
"They came back 3 months after their wedding, meaning Rachel was a little over 4 months pregnant, and it was starting to show.."
~~~~~~~
"Helen!!"
Helen Blakemore turned at the sound of her name, wondering who was sounding just like..
"RACHEL!!!"
They fell into each other's arms, overjoyed over seeing each other again.
"What are you doing home already?" Helen asked, stepping away from her a bit to really study her.
"Unexpected circumstances," Frank exclaimed, entering through the door as well and giving Helen a quick peck on the cheek. He then put his hands on Rachel's stomach, indicating that it had grown.
Helen stared.
"You're pregnant??" she gasped. Both nodded, grinning broadly. Hugging them both, Helen wiped away a few tears.
"Well, well," came the voice of Jack Christey as he walked down the stairs, "I guess now I know why you never answered my calls."
"Hello Jack," she replied, feeling a small sting in her heart as his words. She did feel a bit bad about not calling him, and ignoring him like she had, but when she and Frank had finally decided to follow their hearts, she had forgotten about Jack.
Frank just smiled.
"What's the commotion?" Gavin asked, coming from the lockers. "Frank! Rachel!"
The whole Station seemed to appear around them, Tommy, Emma, Jeff, Tayler, Gavin and a new blonde girl.
"I'm Alex St. Clare," she introduced herself, and Rachel shook her hand.
"I'm Rachel Goldstein.. Holloway," she added after a small pause.
"Holloway??" several voices repeated, and Frank smirked.
"I'm Frank Holloway," Frank introduced himself, "Jack is a lucky guy to have you as a partner."
"Frank!!" He ducked quickly, getting laughs.
It was a happy day at the Sydney Water Police. In a line of work where so many colleagues were lost, good news were always welcome. And later that night, Frank moved in with Rachel.
"Here's the last box," Frank exclaimed, tossing it into the living room.
"Frank.. I think I felt the baby move!"
"What?" he dropped everything in his hands, rushing over to her on the couch.
"Here.." she took his hands, placing them on her stomach. He waited breathless for a second and then, he felt a movement.
"It moved!!" he said awe-struck. "It's alive!"
"Of course it is," she said with a snort, "did you think it became alive when it came out?"
He shrugged his shoulder, placing his head on her stomach.
"Hello Holloway," he said gently, "I'm your father, and this most attractive woman I plan to take to bed now, is your mother!"
"Frank!" she protested half-heartedly.
"What? It's a Holloway, it will understand!"
He started to kiss her stomach, amazed that a small part of him were actually alive inside Rachel.
"Do you think it's possible to burst with happiness?" she asked him, closing her eyes.
"Oh.. yeah.." he spoke between kisses, "I feel.. like bursting… right now!"
~~~~~~~
"They were so happy," she muttered, "so glad I was going to be in their lives. And I failed them."
"Failed them?"
"I'm so sorry," she muttered, more to them than me I gathered, as if she could feel their presence in the room.
"Grandma?" She seemed to snap out of the daze, and focused on me again.
"Yes, Em, as I were saying, they were so happy. Frank went back to work at the Water Police when Alex felt like moving up the ladder, Rachel worked a bit in the internal division. Working as partners again were of course out of the question, but they handled it pretty well, their bond becoming pretty unbreakable. 8 months pregnant, Rachel was only supposed to do desk work, but she was a stubborn woman.."
~~~~~~~
"You damn stubborn woman!" Frank shouted. Rachel was not impressed, standing with her arms crossed and just waiting for him to take a breath.
"Frank, that witness could solve this case, and if she asked for me, I'm going!"
"You're 8 months pregnant!!"
"Meaning I still have a month before it's coming, Frank." She placed a hand on his arm.
"Jack's going too Frank, it'll be alright."
"I don't like you taking risks with my baby!" he shouted, unwilling to calm down.
"Need I remind you it's my baby as well," she said coolly, feeling anger rise.
He threw his hands up in the air.
"Fine, fine, go!!"
"Fine," she snapped back, slamming the door as she marched out, followed by Jack.
Frank had an urge to slam a door as well. Working in the internal division, Rachel had got a lead on an officer involved in some drug business on the harbour, and had teamed up with Jack to find him. There was only the little fact of her being 8 months pregnant…..
"Damn her!" Frank cursed to himself, and trotted up to the office, slamming the door hard.
"He's got a point," Jack remarked as he and Rachel were driving towards the meeting place.
"Shut up!" she snapped, shifting uncomfortable in the seat.
"Just saying.."
"Shut up Jack!! Ooooh shit!!"
"What?" he asked worried, seeing her expression of true horror.
"My water just broke!!"
"What, here, in the car??" Jack asked, staring widely at her.
"Yes, you asshole… watch where you're driving!!"
He just managed to look up as they hit the fence.
Frank in the meantime was tapping a pen impatiently at the desk. What if something went wrong? What if..
"Damn!" he cursed, then threw the pen at the wall and got up. Damned if he was going to wait here. Picking up the mobile phone Rachel had insisted he bought, he headed out, not bothering to explain to Helen where he was going. She probably knew.
Tossing the mobile phone in the other seat, he started the car and drove off. She was going to have a screaming match with him for this, but damned if he was going to let either one of the Holloway's get hurt.
The phone rang. Picking it up with one hand, he kept the other on the wheel.
"Holloway."
"Frank, we're on Abby road, I crashed the car and Rachel is in labour.."
"What?" Frank asked, not believing his ears.
"Rachel is in labour, mate!!" Jack shouted into the phone so loudly Frank almost lost his hearing.
"What? But she's not due in another month!!" Frank shouted back.
"Give me that phone!" Rachel snapped, and Jack handed it over, "Francis James Holloway, get your ass here before I kick it!!!"
"I'm on my way honey…"
"Don't you honey me, this is all *your* fault!! Oh God.." she panted as another contraction hit. Jack grabbed the phone again.
"Ambulance is on its way, but hell, I think this baby of yours is in a hurry!"
"Shit," Frank exclaimed, "I'm just a few minutes away.. try and keep her calm in the meantime."
"How?" Jack asked into a dialling tone. "Damn!!" He looked at his car, who had a solid dent in the front, and then at Rachel, who was sitting in the front seat, panting with pain.
"Jack… you have to check.. how dilated.. I am.."
"Umm.."
"Jack, just do it!" she snapped, "it's not like you haven't seen it before!"
"Right, right," he muttered, bending down and looking intently.
"Umm.. pretty open here," he reported.
"How.. helpful.." she muttered, "ooooh, I'm gonna kill Frank!!"
A car pulled up with breaking brakes, and Frank jumped out, running over.
"I'm saving the 'I told you so for later'," he exclaimed, grabbing her hand, "now how about you try to keep this baby a little longer?"
"If.. I could.. I would.. God, I have to push!"
"Shiiiit," Frank muttered, then took a look.
"I can see something.. shit, this Holloway can't wait to join the world!! Okay, breathe, breathe, come on, breathe.. Jack, get some kind of blankets or something will you?"
"Umm…"
Pulling off his jacket, Frank placed it under Rachel's head, wiping her brow. Gazing into her eyes, he could see the fear.
"It'll be okay," he promised.
"Ambulance is here!" Jack shouted.
"Thank God…"
"Frank.. it's coming.." she muttered, and Frank looked down to see a head slowly coming out.
"Oh hell…"
He felt something warm against his hands, and suddenly a bundle was in his hands, warm and covered in some substance. A little face was looking up at him.
"Oh my God.. Rachel, you did it! Rachel?"
Rachel's eyes were closed, her face pale, and he felt something crawl up his spine. Pure horror.
"No, come on Rachie, talk to me, talk to me!"
"We'll take it from here, mate," one of the ambulance officers told Frank, who just stood and stared as the man took his baby gently out of his hands.
"Come on Frank, let them do their job," Jack suggested, leading Frank away a bit.
"I can't loose them Jack."
"You won't."
~~~~~~~
"And that's how I was born.." grandma smiled, "a rather dramatic entrance, you could say."
"But Rachel.. she survived, right?"
"Yes, she did. When she woke up at the hospital…"
~~~~~~~
Slowly her world came into focus. She was in a bed, and everything was white and Frank.. She focused back on Frank, sitting in a chair by her side, looking at his hands.
"Frank…?" she muttered. Her throat felt sore.
He lifted his gaze to her at once, a slow smile spreading over his face.
"Heya Rachel."
"What.. what happened?"
"You don't remember?" he asked, taking her hand and looking at her lovingly.
"No… wait, we crashed and.. my baby!!"
"It's okay Rach.. you had a beautiful baby girl, and she is quite alright." She closed her eyes in relief, then opened them to look at him again.
"Guess I should have listened to you."
"Yep. But don't worry, I'm saving this until I do something stupid, so you can't be as mad at me." She laughed, and he let a hand stroke her cheek, assuring himself she was indeed okay.
"We should think about names then," she smiled.
"Rachel. Cos she is just as though as he mother."
"Francesca, cos she have the fighting will of her father."
They both smiled.
"Francesca Rachel Holloway. I kinda like the sound of that," he remarked. "I think she had my eyes."
"I want to see her."
"I'll see what I can arrange.. you shouldn't overdo anything, you lost a lot of blood."
"Yes, *mum*!"
"Mum it will be! I intend to smoother you both with tender loving care."
"I think I like the sound of that…"
~~~~~~~
"Were they good parents?" I broke in.
She paused to consider.
"Yes. They got caught up in work a lot, but they loved me, and did their best. My first memory of them.. I must have been 2, maybe 3 years. They took me on the Footloose, sailing, and I remember their laughter in the wind…"
She closed her eyes.
"I wish I could have seen the boat."
"You have," she muttered.
"I have…? But I don't remember…" It was like a light got flickered on, and I could suddenly see. I remembered. I had been on Footloose, with mum. And someone else. A man, not dad.
He was threatening, and I was scared, hiding behind mum, crying. He told me to shut up, and slapped mom. She hit the floor hard.
"Oh my God…" I muttered, feeling my head spin.
"You do remember."
"Yeah.. we were on the boat, and mum.. what happened to mum? Something terrible happened to mum."
"She lost her baby," grandma said with a sigh, "she miscarried. And you.. they were so afraid you would forever have nightmares about it, they never spoke of it again."
"I do… Oh God.. you had something to do with it, didn't you?"
"Yes.. I busted the guy for drug possession. He thought I was on the boat, and I were going to be there and meet you, but work called. I wasn't there."
"Dad blamed you."
"Yes. And I were so hurt, so angry I couldn't see his pain… I told him he should have been there, if he was anything like his grandfather, he should have. We were so angry, Em, so angry. So damn stubborn both of us"
"You haven't talked since, have you?" I asked, trying to understand. Everything was now shed in a new light. My dad's refusal of telling me family history, my mom's desperate clutching on to me, and grandma.
"No. When I saw you walk in here it was like a light suddenly shone into my life. I could see again. I have missed so much over my foolish pride and stubbornness…"
She hid her face in her hands, and silence fell. I had no idea what to say, it felt like a whole new room had opened up, and I had to explore it in the dark.
"I forgive you," I said, suddenly realising what she needed to hear. What I needed to tell her.
"What?"
"I forgive you."
She fell into my arms with an intensity I didn't expect from an 80 year old, crushing me in her arms. I felt more than heard the sobs, and I just held her quietly for a long time.
For 20 years she had waited for those words. And I had a feeling so had dad.
It's easier to blame someone else then yourself. And that was the path he had chosen.
I came home early, but feeling drained. My whole life had got a new perspective. I wasn't surprised to find both my parents waiting, looking like they were awaiting a doom.
"I remember. I have always remembered. I just didn't understand it," I told them. "Why didn't you tell me? My whole life I've known, but not understood."
"We didn't want you to remember," my mother said with a small sigh, twisting her fingers.
"Of course I would remember, but instead of dealing with it, you let me think it was just a bad dream!!" I shouted, I wanted to slap them both for being so over-protective. No one can protect you from memories, they hunt you down and you have no where to hide.
"It wasn't her fault," I told them.
"It happened because of her!!"
"Yes, but it wasn't her fault," I said sternly, and walked upstairs. I were too tired to fight. Placing the box grandma had given me on the bed, I began taking out its content. Pictures, first just of Frank and Rachel, then a little baby began showing her face as well. She had Frank's smile.
Pictures tell more than a thousand words, and these told of happiness.
Postcards, some letters, a box of jewellery, a diary. Rachel's. Flicking through it, I stopped at her last entry.
~~~~~~~
I've been blessed. I've come to that realisation lately, that no matter what the future brings, I've been blessed. Call me crazy, but I love Frank, I love waking up by his side in the morning, and I love our beautiful 8 year old troll of a daughter. I never thought, never allowed myself to think I could be so happy. Happiness is so fragile, it gets snatched from you too soon, just as you get used to it.
I will never get used to this. Never.
~~~~~~~
It was her last entry. Searching through the box I saw an newspaper article.
"Two cops dead after being forced off the road," the headline read.
I picked it up, feeling tears in my eyes. Yes, I knew they were dead, but I had felt so close to then actually reading about their deaths felt like blow to my stomach, forcing the air out of my lungs.
Their car had been forced of the road and crashed against some cliffs. They hadn't suffered, the article claimed. I knew I shouldn't cry for them, yet I did, for them, for my grandma who so desperately tried to live up to them, for my father who thought he was a disappointment to her, for my mum who had carried a burden heavier than I could imagine, and for me.
A quite knock on the door interrupted me, and dad walked in. I wiped away my tears when I saw his was filled with them as well.
"She's dead," he said
"What?"
"My mother.. they just called, and.. she's dead," he whispered.
He fell against me like a pile of rock, crying like I had never seen before. I don't think he had ever cried in front of me before, and I just held him.
"You're so strong Em," he muttered through tears. "I failed so horribly."
"No, you didn't," I whispered, "you did your best, that's all we can ever do. You saved her, dad. You were the one good thing about her life." He looked up at me, his eyes glistening with tears. I never realised until then I had my father's eyes. And he had the eyes of Frank Holloway.
"You saved her," I repeated, "you saved grandma, and you saved mum. Don't you think I knew she had problems? That she was drinking too much? You saved her. You have every reason to be proud."
"But I estranged grandma.. and you. You reminded me so much of her."
"It's not too late," I whispered, "it's not too late."
"She's dead."
"But I'm alive. Grandma never finished her story," I told him, "she told me about Frank and Rachel, but not about herself and your father. Do you want to tell me?"
He looked up at me with a smile, then embraced me gently.
"I should have told you both stories a long time ago, I just didn't see how much they were a part of our family."
"It's okay dad, you can tell me now."
And he began speaking. But that's his story, just like one day I will be telling my kids about my parents. For I see how clearly they shape us now, whether they die when we are young and we end up idolising them, like Rachel and Frank did, or get estranged like Francesca, or are over-protective, like my parents.
The story of me is the story of all of them. Frank, Rachel, Francesca, James and Lisa.
One day I will tell it, just like Francesca told me hers.
Emily Jones Holloway's story. But I reckon I have a few chapters left to fill first.
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