Secrets, Part 3-the Dream
A/N: This is starting to sound like Animorphs titles...*shrugs* Secrets...the Confession...the Dream...*shrugs again* My piano teacher thinks I should use the computer only an hour a day...I'll live, but I won't post quite as much until March...*sighs heavily* My recital is on February 10th. Solo. I'm sooooooooo nervous! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *calms down* Okay...fic time...!_~
P.S.: If this fic REALLY confuses you, which it doubtless will, PUT YOUR EMAIL IN YOUR REVIEW AND ASK ME YOUR QUESTIONS IN THE REVIEW SO I CAN ANSWER THEM BY EMAIL! THANK YOU!
~~~END NOTE~~~ ~~~PUT DOWN THAT CHAMPAGNE! NOW! QUIT CELEBRATING, PLEASE!~~~
I cannot sleep.
I have not been able to do so since that night...that night Draco rescued me from my own suicide...I told himm everything. Told him about his parents, about Andromeda, told him that I loved him...and I do. There is no one in this world who I could ever love more than that boy.
True, he always tried to please me, believing I was his father, and now, nothing has changed. But...he gave me a sense of purpose when Andromeda and I took him in. A few years before Draco was born, we both found out we could never have children of our own and dismissed ourselves as useless to continue the line of the Miserias, a proud, old, nearly ancient family rivaled by none but the Malfoys.
Draco gave us a sense of purpose. We had total and complete responsibility for another human being now that he was in our lives. He became our child in every way but legally. We didn't care. Let the Ministry take him. But they never did, they never found out.
That is the past.
Now...now is different. Draco has forgiven me. And that is all. His approval is the only thing that matters. He has forgiven Andromeda also, and we're becoming better 'parents' to him now that the secrets were revealed. Yet...
Yet...
I feel something is missing. Like I have not been totally forgiven. I know I have, but don't believe it. It is like when one finds out they have a terminal disease and are going to die. They know about their condition and their destiny, they know. But they do not believe, they take their false truths to the grave.
Have I been forgiven?
The answer is no.
I have not been forgiven. And never will.
Somehow, perhaps out of exhaustion from thinking and worrying half the night, I fall asleep. I am not dreaming so much as...floating. Around me are thousands of bubbles floating in a vast, endless, sea. Sometimes they come up and brush against me, then burst open to shower their contents everywhere. They contain memories.
Memories.
Memories of my father, of my mother before she died. Memories of school, of Lucius and Narcissa, memories of pain. There are rock walls in the ocean I am floating in, and they mark a very definite and concrete path. I merely follow the road, having no idea where I'm going.
Soon, the road forks. Now, I am stuck. It is an odd feeling, but...I immediately think of going to the right. But something tells me there are horrors and darkness waiting ahead that way. Something tells me to go to the left. I take a look at what is down there and see a mist.
Nothing but it. As I watch, this vapor comes toward me and wraps me in its clammy tendrils. It holds me prisoner and pushes me to the ocean floor.
Suddenly, I hear the sound of roaring thunder, rolling in my direction, in all directions, as though pushed by a mighty hand. And the wall that divides the left and right forks crumbles into the sand and disappears. Where it once stood is now...not an angel, not an angel.
A human man. I know him, I can tell I know him...from where? An eerie light glows around him, making him look like a piece of parchment with burnt edges. Who is he...? He drops to the ocean floor and wherever he steps, a bloodred rose springs up instantaneously. As he approaches, I feel my heart working its way to my throat.
It is Lucius.
Lucius Malfoy.
He stands there, frighteningly relaxed, just looking at me. On instinct, I try to move, to get away from him, without giving myself a reason to. The evil mist holds me back, gently though at the same time roughly.
"So, Luci," Lucius drawls, the way he always used to, with a touch of a warble to his voice, "we meet again."
I say nothing.
"Do you look upon my spectre with fear? Do you find yourself confronted by memories?" He advances two to three steps with every one of these odd questions, and my heartbeat accelerates painfully.
"Luci..." he whispers, and though he does not diminish in any way, I feel as though I am losing him, as though he is drifting away. "Luci, remember...remember what happened when you joined the ranks of Voldemort..."
I remember, all right. I remember everything.
[FLASHBACK]
The Miserias were an evil clan, the Malfoys a beacon of virtue. We were the bad girls, they were the good boys. We were uptight and snobbish to boiling point, they were fun-loving, easygoing people who could pull shadowy wanderers into the light.
Something about Lucius had always haunted me, from the day we met during the Sorting Ceremony.
We whispered or mouthed our greetings, and then could talk no more as "Malfoy, Lucius" and immediately "Miseria, Luci" were called. Lucius went to Slytherin, which came as a bit of a surprise, and I went to Ravenclaw. Andromeda was sorted right after I was, and we were, predictably, in the same house. Everyone complimented us and said we were indeed fit to be in Ravenclaw, after all, weren't we intelligent to a fault?
True.
We were almost scarily smart.
Albeit, used diabolically.
In the days that followed, I got better looks at Lucius. He constantly hung around Narcissa, a second year, who served as his mentor. Those eyes, I found myself thinking. I was both intrigued and repulsed by his eyes. They showed all and told none, as confusing as those bloody tarot cards Sibyll Trelawney would be poring over every mealtime. I hated her. It was a stroke of bad luck, I had always thought, that she was in Ravenclaw as well. She was a creep and a ditz.
Lucius and I grew to be enemies as our school years progressed. Narcissa and he became an official couple and it was whispered of in my sixth year that they were engaged and would elope somewhere or other the day after our graduation. I despised this. What Narcissa and Lucius had together was love. They would both die for the benefit of the other. Andromeda and I had never known love. Half-bloods hated me, purebloods feared me. Muggles, of course, didn't know me.
My father...he loved me, somewhere, but never showed nor told it. I couldn't even guess, and my childish beliefs led me to think he hated me and I was not really his daughter. Now, as an adult, I know he loved me. He was merely disappointed eternally that I was not the son he had wanted, nor was Andromeda.
Graduation was a glorious thing for my sister and I. However, our joy was dampened horribly when not a week after, our father fell ill.
Terminally ill.
My mother had died when I was barely a month old. Andromeda was born the same day I was, we were a set of twins. My father...he was the first time I had experienced death up close, and I hated it.
I hate myself to this day for blaming my father. I would tell him silently or through speech how much I hated the fact he was leaving me, and he would look at me with these terrible sad eyes, and I knew that what I was doing was wrong...
[END FLASHBACK]
Lucius looks at me again, his eyes glowing somewhat.
"And then what happened, Luci? You joined Voldemort...and..."
I swallow hard, my mouth sore from talking to him so much.
"He was proud of Andromeda and I. He said we were valuable assets...too valuable..."
"And then...?"
Lucius' expression is stern, but there is this mad sparkle in his eye which I cannot interpret. Happiness? No. There is no way. What is he thinking of? What ghastly turn is this encounter going to curve around?
"I..." I have no idea what to say. "I don't remember."
Lucius now smiles, a malicious leer, the sparkle in his eyes flaring even more violently.
"And then you killed me, Luci. Voldemort sent you to kill Narcissa, Draco, and I. And...you killed us...and what happened with Draco? What did you do with him?"
I hear laughter around me, evil laughter, yet good laughter. The mist, I think. The mist is jeering at me. But I cannot look at it, it has grasped hold of my entire body, like the Devil's Snare.
"Draco was innocent. You hurt me at Hogwarts, Lucius, through no fault of your own, but you hurt me." I look up at him, choked with my words. "You hurt me a lot."
Lucius nods.
"So I did. Go on."
"Narcissa was bad to me...both of you were...but Draco never did anything but exist. I couldn't cut him down prematurely just because he was your child..."
Lucius suddenly looks concerned and kneels in front of me, reaching out to wipe away my tears. It is only then I realize I am crying.
"I couldn't...couldn't do it...couldn't kill him..."
It is too much. I let myself collapse and Lucius allows me to lean against him for a few moments, sobbing quietly.
"You couldn't kill him, Luci, and you didn't," he begins, once I've calmed down some. "And for this...for this, I am eternally grateful."
Lucius stands again and looks at me for the third time, in that curious way that one cannot understand.
"Luci...forgive yourself. That's why you are not forgiven. You do not know how much I owe to you now." He looks directly into my eyes and starts contemplating what he's going to say to me next. I have the feeling he is trying to soften whatever he wants to tell me.
"You did the right thing when you spared Draco." He smiles thinly. "It was what your father would have wanted."
Lucius lapses into the mist, which then disappears. I feel lost.
"Lucius!" I cry in vain. "Where are you? Don't leave me, don't leave me...I need you, come back...please..."
Something lifts me up to the surface of the water, and just as I break, the sun reaches my eyes again, and the dream is ended.
I look around fleetingly. The weather is the most beautiful it can be in winter. It snowed in the night, and everything is clean and perfect and new. Indoors, there is beauty as well. I turn from the window and look at the floor. Am I forgiven? I ask no one in particular.
Have I been forgiven?
The answer is yes.
A/N: This is starting to sound like Animorphs titles...*shrugs* Secrets...the Confession...the Dream...*shrugs again* My piano teacher thinks I should use the computer only an hour a day...I'll live, but I won't post quite as much until March...*sighs heavily* My recital is on February 10th. Solo. I'm sooooooooo nervous! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *calms down* Okay...fic time...!_~
P.S.: If this fic REALLY confuses you, which it doubtless will, PUT YOUR EMAIL IN YOUR REVIEW AND ASK ME YOUR QUESTIONS IN THE REVIEW SO I CAN ANSWER THEM BY EMAIL! THANK YOU!
~~~END NOTE~~~ ~~~PUT DOWN THAT CHAMPAGNE! NOW! QUIT CELEBRATING, PLEASE!~~~
I cannot sleep.
I have not been able to do so since that night...that night Draco rescued me from my own suicide...I told himm everything. Told him about his parents, about Andromeda, told him that I loved him...and I do. There is no one in this world who I could ever love more than that boy.
True, he always tried to please me, believing I was his father, and now, nothing has changed. But...he gave me a sense of purpose when Andromeda and I took him in. A few years before Draco was born, we both found out we could never have children of our own and dismissed ourselves as useless to continue the line of the Miserias, a proud, old, nearly ancient family rivaled by none but the Malfoys.
Draco gave us a sense of purpose. We had total and complete responsibility for another human being now that he was in our lives. He became our child in every way but legally. We didn't care. Let the Ministry take him. But they never did, they never found out.
That is the past.
Now...now is different. Draco has forgiven me. And that is all. His approval is the only thing that matters. He has forgiven Andromeda also, and we're becoming better 'parents' to him now that the secrets were revealed. Yet...
Yet...
I feel something is missing. Like I have not been totally forgiven. I know I have, but don't believe it. It is like when one finds out they have a terminal disease and are going to die. They know about their condition and their destiny, they know. But they do not believe, they take their false truths to the grave.
Have I been forgiven?
The answer is no.
I have not been forgiven. And never will.
Somehow, perhaps out of exhaustion from thinking and worrying half the night, I fall asleep. I am not dreaming so much as...floating. Around me are thousands of bubbles floating in a vast, endless, sea. Sometimes they come up and brush against me, then burst open to shower their contents everywhere. They contain memories.
Memories.
Memories of my father, of my mother before she died. Memories of school, of Lucius and Narcissa, memories of pain. There are rock walls in the ocean I am floating in, and they mark a very definite and concrete path. I merely follow the road, having no idea where I'm going.
Soon, the road forks. Now, I am stuck. It is an odd feeling, but...I immediately think of going to the right. But something tells me there are horrors and darkness waiting ahead that way. Something tells me to go to the left. I take a look at what is down there and see a mist.
Nothing but it. As I watch, this vapor comes toward me and wraps me in its clammy tendrils. It holds me prisoner and pushes me to the ocean floor.
Suddenly, I hear the sound of roaring thunder, rolling in my direction, in all directions, as though pushed by a mighty hand. And the wall that divides the left and right forks crumbles into the sand and disappears. Where it once stood is now...not an angel, not an angel.
A human man. I know him, I can tell I know him...from where? An eerie light glows around him, making him look like a piece of parchment with burnt edges. Who is he...? He drops to the ocean floor and wherever he steps, a bloodred rose springs up instantaneously. As he approaches, I feel my heart working its way to my throat.
It is Lucius.
Lucius Malfoy.
He stands there, frighteningly relaxed, just looking at me. On instinct, I try to move, to get away from him, without giving myself a reason to. The evil mist holds me back, gently though at the same time roughly.
"So, Luci," Lucius drawls, the way he always used to, with a touch of a warble to his voice, "we meet again."
I say nothing.
"Do you look upon my spectre with fear? Do you find yourself confronted by memories?" He advances two to three steps with every one of these odd questions, and my heartbeat accelerates painfully.
"Luci..." he whispers, and though he does not diminish in any way, I feel as though I am losing him, as though he is drifting away. "Luci, remember...remember what happened when you joined the ranks of Voldemort..."
I remember, all right. I remember everything.
[FLASHBACK]
The Miserias were an evil clan, the Malfoys a beacon of virtue. We were the bad girls, they were the good boys. We were uptight and snobbish to boiling point, they were fun-loving, easygoing people who could pull shadowy wanderers into the light.
Something about Lucius had always haunted me, from the day we met during the Sorting Ceremony.
We whispered or mouthed our greetings, and then could talk no more as "Malfoy, Lucius" and immediately "Miseria, Luci" were called. Lucius went to Slytherin, which came as a bit of a surprise, and I went to Ravenclaw. Andromeda was sorted right after I was, and we were, predictably, in the same house. Everyone complimented us and said we were indeed fit to be in Ravenclaw, after all, weren't we intelligent to a fault?
True.
We were almost scarily smart.
Albeit, used diabolically.
In the days that followed, I got better looks at Lucius. He constantly hung around Narcissa, a second year, who served as his mentor. Those eyes, I found myself thinking. I was both intrigued and repulsed by his eyes. They showed all and told none, as confusing as those bloody tarot cards Sibyll Trelawney would be poring over every mealtime. I hated her. It was a stroke of bad luck, I had always thought, that she was in Ravenclaw as well. She was a creep and a ditz.
Lucius and I grew to be enemies as our school years progressed. Narcissa and he became an official couple and it was whispered of in my sixth year that they were engaged and would elope somewhere or other the day after our graduation. I despised this. What Narcissa and Lucius had together was love. They would both die for the benefit of the other. Andromeda and I had never known love. Half-bloods hated me, purebloods feared me. Muggles, of course, didn't know me.
My father...he loved me, somewhere, but never showed nor told it. I couldn't even guess, and my childish beliefs led me to think he hated me and I was not really his daughter. Now, as an adult, I know he loved me. He was merely disappointed eternally that I was not the son he had wanted, nor was Andromeda.
Graduation was a glorious thing for my sister and I. However, our joy was dampened horribly when not a week after, our father fell ill.
Terminally ill.
My mother had died when I was barely a month old. Andromeda was born the same day I was, we were a set of twins. My father...he was the first time I had experienced death up close, and I hated it.
I hate myself to this day for blaming my father. I would tell him silently or through speech how much I hated the fact he was leaving me, and he would look at me with these terrible sad eyes, and I knew that what I was doing was wrong...
[END FLASHBACK]
Lucius looks at me again, his eyes glowing somewhat.
"And then what happened, Luci? You joined Voldemort...and..."
I swallow hard, my mouth sore from talking to him so much.
"He was proud of Andromeda and I. He said we were valuable assets...too valuable..."
"And then...?"
Lucius' expression is stern, but there is this mad sparkle in his eye which I cannot interpret. Happiness? No. There is no way. What is he thinking of? What ghastly turn is this encounter going to curve around?
"I..." I have no idea what to say. "I don't remember."
Lucius now smiles, a malicious leer, the sparkle in his eyes flaring even more violently.
"And then you killed me, Luci. Voldemort sent you to kill Narcissa, Draco, and I. And...you killed us...and what happened with Draco? What did you do with him?"
I hear laughter around me, evil laughter, yet good laughter. The mist, I think. The mist is jeering at me. But I cannot look at it, it has grasped hold of my entire body, like the Devil's Snare.
"Draco was innocent. You hurt me at Hogwarts, Lucius, through no fault of your own, but you hurt me." I look up at him, choked with my words. "You hurt me a lot."
Lucius nods.
"So I did. Go on."
"Narcissa was bad to me...both of you were...but Draco never did anything but exist. I couldn't cut him down prematurely just because he was your child..."
Lucius suddenly looks concerned and kneels in front of me, reaching out to wipe away my tears. It is only then I realize I am crying.
"I couldn't...couldn't do it...couldn't kill him..."
It is too much. I let myself collapse and Lucius allows me to lean against him for a few moments, sobbing quietly.
"You couldn't kill him, Luci, and you didn't," he begins, once I've calmed down some. "And for this...for this, I am eternally grateful."
Lucius stands again and looks at me for the third time, in that curious way that one cannot understand.
"Luci...forgive yourself. That's why you are not forgiven. You do not know how much I owe to you now." He looks directly into my eyes and starts contemplating what he's going to say to me next. I have the feeling he is trying to soften whatever he wants to tell me.
"You did the right thing when you spared Draco." He smiles thinly. "It was what your father would have wanted."
Lucius lapses into the mist, which then disappears. I feel lost.
"Lucius!" I cry in vain. "Where are you? Don't leave me, don't leave me...I need you, come back...please..."
Something lifts me up to the surface of the water, and just as I break, the sun reaches my eyes again, and the dream is ended.
I look around fleetingly. The weather is the most beautiful it can be in winter. It snowed in the night, and everything is clean and perfect and new. Indoors, there is beauty as well. I turn from the window and look at the floor. Am I forgiven? I ask no one in particular.
Have I been forgiven?
The answer is yes.