The Weekly Digimon Report
Pirating the Airwaves Every Saturday
We interrupt Spiderman Unlimited (if anyone cares) to
bring you this special report.
As usual, Lia's sitting behind her desk on the Digimon set. She has her feet propped up, reading her Sailor Moon Super again. But this time she's accompanied by her "God-Forsaken Nimoy-ish Matt Ishida Throw Pillow" and she's got headphones on…listening to "Walk on the Edge."
"LIA! WE NEED YOUR HELP! LIA!" Davis is heard hollering outside. Lia is totally oblivious to the matter.
"LIA! CAN YOU SHEND THE OTHERSH OUT PLEASHE? THISH ISH AN EMERGENCHY!" Veemon adds.
"Hey! We're on!" Willis cries.
"Oh! Hello, this is Lia Agianna with another addition of the Weekly Digimon Report, the Digidestined-produced news show keeping you the reader up to date. Before we start the show, I'd like to, one, get some Dayquil for my cold, and two, say thank you Sandrilene for your continual faith! You're a true friend, Sandry! Okay, moving right along, another two new episodes aired this weekend, and I have to say, they were…interesting. Here for an episode review is our own member of the Psychic Hotline, Kari Kamiya. Go ahead and give us the scoop, Kari."
"Um, Lia, I think Davis and Veemon are in trouble. Maybe this isn't a good time."
"Nonsense. We're committed to doing this show. Davis can wait. Besides, it's probably another scheme to get you to break up with T.K."
"Yeah, maybe you're right. Anyway, we all went hunting for Gatomon's tail ring and Yolei, Ken and I ended up back on the beach in the World of Darkness. Ken and I screamed a lot, people were slapping each other all over the place, and Gatomon and Aquilamon DNA digivolved to Silphymon. Meanwhile Black Wargreymon was still on the rampage. Then in the next episode everyone got hung up over something called the Destiny Stone. We tried stopping Archnemon and her minions, but they were too strong and we got pummeled, the Destiny Stone was shattered! Appearances made by Tentomon and Agumon, and Jun got into a huff about a zit and started wailing about Matt."
"SHE CAN'T HAVE HIM! SHE CAN'T HAVE HIM! SHE CAN'T HAVE HIM!" Lia starts screaming, going totally evil.
"Lia! Give it a rest!" Wizardmon shouts, looking up from his Harry Potter book.
"I know, but… anyway, Nicki's outside interviewing…"
Nicki's image pops up prematurely on a video screen. "Not another evil villain! I won't do it! You can't make me!"
"No, you're interviewing Yolei and Silphymon."
"What?! I can't stand Yolei! She's always trying to take my Izzy away!"
"Do it or I unleash my awesome powers of author-ness on Izzy."
"Grrr…fine." Nicki turns, revealing Yolei and Silphymon. Davis and Veemon are being dragged off in the background by Jeff Nimoy and Bob Buchholz.
"I'm here with Yolei Inoue and her jogress digivolved thingy Silphymon. Anything you'd like to say to the audience, Yolei?" Nicki asks in a monotone.
"I'd just like to thank Izzy for always being there and for rebooting my hard drive."
"Izzy's mine," Nicki hisses under her breath.
"Is not. You're not even a real character," Yolei hisses back.
"I can be if I want to be, you purple-haired Mimi ditz with the IQ of a pebble, but that's an insult on the pebble's part."
"Ahem!" Silphymon shouts. "I'd like to thank Kari and Yolei for giving us the power to jogress in the first place. I'd also like to say that even though I'm a bird-cat-person thingy with a messed voice, that date is still on, Wizardmon, so don't even think about backing out of it. I just have to devolve and digivolve back from Salamon!"
"Dammit," Wizardmon groans under his breath. Nicki and Yolei are still squabbling.
"Well, thanks anyway, Nicki. And now we'll go to T.K. for…" a piece of memo paper is brought in by Patamon. "Cool, thanks Batpig."
"No one reveals my secret identity!" Patamon howls.
"Yeah, sure. This just in…oh, it's for Matt. Hey Yama! You have a memo here!"
Fan girls start shrieking and making futile attempts to bypass the digimon bodyguard squad of dead good guys who are still dead. (Leomon, Piximon, etc.)
"Thanks Lia…" Lia starts blushing. "Anyway guys, according to Megchan.com and their message boards, episode 38 is not only the major Sorato hint episode, but it also involves another concert by my band-"
"LOBO FUERTE AND THE LUCHADORES!" Tai shouts offstage.
"WOULD YOU STOP WITH THE LUCHADOR JOKES?" Matt retaliates. "Yeah, so we sing again. I'd also like to state that the other band members have real names. Now, we don't know which is which, but they are Akira, Yutaka, and Takashi. So no more Melville, Lia."
"Shimatta. Thanks for the update, Yama-chan."
"Anytime, Lia."
"All right, enough love mush, get to wrapping this up so I can go get my hair done!" Mimi shrieks offstage.
"Yes, High-and-Mighty. T.K., episode analysis time, Gilligan!"
"I didn't do much of anything these past two episodes. However, there were more bizarre coupling innuendos than ever. You've got Ken and Kari, Ken and Yolei, Yolei and Kari, Yolei and Davis, and my personal favorite, Kari and myself. Why can't we ever just make up our minds about this sort of thing and get it over with? And how come I didn't get to kiss Kari? I can be worried but I can't kiss her? And why was everyone slapping everyone else? The violence on this show has more than doubled since last season. And Silphymon's voice is the scariest thing I've ever heard, not to mention in Japan the Y and I are in the opposite positions, making it Sylphimon. And Black Wargreymon has got this serious Mewtwo complex (pokémon, run!). And what was Agumon doing talking about friendship? That's my brother's department, and Gabumon's too. And why can't Jun just leave Matt alone! He's not interested, although it's a riot to watch him squirm like that. And what is the point of Destiny Stones and why does MagnaAngemon get to come back next week and why don't I get to be the leader?"
"Wow, the kid's got issues. This has been Lia Agianna for the Weekly Digimon Report. Next weekend's all new, so get ready for another addition. Hey, has anyone seen Davis and Veemon?"
~*~
In Evil English Dubber Headquarters…
"Why did you kidnap me? Couldn't you take Lia? She's the one who organized all this! Besides, she's an Author! And nobody's going to miss me if I'm not around…except maybe Ken cuz he's so cute and mysterious and…"
"Quiet, infidel!"
"Nobody talksh to Davish like that! When I get outta here I'll show you the true meaning of the word pain! You'll shee!" Veemon adds.
"We kidnapped you two because we know you have the biggest mouths and we can get all the information we need out of you!" Bob hollers.
"Besides, we hate you because you're Tai Kamiya wannabes!" Jeff adds, then motions for Bob to follow him into the next room.
"So, Bob, the Author planned all this, Bob."
"Yes, Jeff, what are we going to do about her, Jeff?"
"She seems to be attracted to the one called Matt, Bob."
"I'll see what I can do, Jeff. But what about her friend, Jeff? The Nicki girl, Jeff?"
"We'll deal with her too, Bob. The Digidestined will be under our control, Bob. We can't have them showing any signs of personality or divergence from stereotypes, Bob."
"You're so right, Jeff. What should we do about the loudmouth, Jeff?"
"Put him and the digimon somewhere safe, Bob. Like with the NASCAR racers, Bob. They'll watch him, Bob."
"Right, Jeff. Can do, Jeff."
Those girls better watch out. Nobody toys with Jeff
Nimoy. Nobody.
~*~
Will the Digidestined stop Jeff Nimoy and Bob Buchholz? Will they continue doing news reports for readers around the world? Will anyone care that Davis and Veemon are missing (probably not)? Find out on the next edition of The Weekly Digimon Report, with Lia Agianna!
NOW REVIEW! GO!