The Weekly Digimon Report
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The studio has gone from looking like a professional newsroom to a battlefield. Shells and artillery are everywhere, the Astroturf is torn up, shouts and dog tags mingle with the whistle of missiles. There's a field tent set up in the corner where Joe is hard at work removing the shrapnel of broken clip edits from brave soldiers. Lia is sitting on the ground behind a bunker of sand bags where her desk should be, wearing military fatigues and a helmet.
"This is week five of the Weekly Digimon Report, and I'm Lia Agianna. As you can see, we're in the middle of a war between us, the cast, and the American executive staff. DUCK AND COVER, TROOPS! While the rest of the Digidestined are in the battlefield trying to reclaim our POW's I'm here doing the show…by myself…and being Commander of the Digidestined Corps. FALL BACK, TAICHI, FALL BACK! Fortunately, there was only one new episode this weekend, so let's get right down to business."
Lia paused long enough to pull the pin from a grenade and lob it down a hallway, ducking as the explosion rocked the studio. "Okay, Black Wargreymon has only two more Destiny Stones to go, so things are getting pretty hectic. Cody's still scared out of his wits of T.K. and Davis has a sleepover with Ken. Of course, Cody goes to the one person capable of giving him answers straight…FIRE THOSE MISSILES! Cody gets the big picture just in time to go help guard a Destiny Stone. He stood down Black Wargreymon on his own but it wasn't enough and Angemon barely got him away before Black Wargreymon blew up the stone. Brief appearance by Ikkakumon, and special guest appearance by YAMATO!!!!!"
At this point, Matt, wearing army fatigues (^_^) came running up to the bunker and saluted.
"Report, general!" Lia barked.
"Ma'am, yes Ma'am!"
"At ease, soldier."
"Yes, Ma'am! We just captured a spy for the enemy outside the base. Request permission to bring him in for interrogation, Ma'am!"
"Permission granted, general. Let me finish up the news report and have the privates bring him here."
"Yes Ma'am!"
"Dismissed!"
"All right, now for a quick little analysis. SEND IN THE KAMIKAZE DIGIMON SQUAD, THAT'S AN ORDER! Seeing some Kensuke moments was perfectly cute, Black Wargreymon is getting on my nerves, and hearing T.K. do the same flashback narrative over and over is driving me insane. There wasn't enough Matt, dammit!! And how come he was wearing the same stupid uniform and why was the animation so poor today? He looked goofy! And will Christmas ever come?! And why the hell have we dropped back to only one episode a week? SOMEBODY GIVE ME SOME ANSWERS!"
T.K. and Ken both in (you guessed it) army fatigues, dragged a kid over to the bunker, Matt joining them after ducking out of the hospital tent.
"Here's the spy we captured, Ma'am. We found him sneaking around the back entrance," Ken reported.
"Good work, private. I'll question him myself. Return to your posts."
"Yes, Ma'am!"
T.K. and Ken marched out, muttering about "stupid Nimoy war."
"As for you, general," Lia flicked her eyes up at Matt from under her helmet before standing. "Get the Air Force into fighter formation and have the ground troops advance. We won't rest until those POW's are back here pestering the ever-loving kuso out of us."
"Yes Ma'am."
"And Matt?" She kissed his cheek lightly. "Be careful, all right?"
"Don't worry about me."
Lia then turned to the spy, who was glowering at her.
"Sean, alias Pokezack. My old nemesis. I should have known it was you nosing around here. Why are you working for Nimoy and Buchholz?"
"Because they couldn't get Hannibal Lecter?" he asked coyly.
"You will answer me or I'll pump you full of lead, you lecherous bastard!"
"They said if I could capture you I could take you to Survivor Island…er, Outback, put you through ten pages of torment and kill you just out of spite. What author could resist that?"
"ONE THAT DIDN'T GET HIT BY A MINIVAN! Now, what are they planning on doing with my troops?"
"Do you think they'd tell me?"
"PRIVATE!" Kari came running, and saluted.
"Ma'am, yes Ma'am!"
"Secure the prisoner. Tell Wizardmon he dies at dawn."
"Yes Ma'am!"
"And also tell him he can torture the prisoner until then."
"Yes Ma'am!"
"Dismissed!"
The screams of the pathetic, miserable author echoed through the studio as Wizardmon performed unspeakable torture. (Teletubbies, ugh)
"This has been the Weekly Digimon Report. I'm Lia Agianna. If we survive this war, I'll see you next week with the one brand-new episode."
"Commander!" Cody came running, his helmet falling over his eyes.
"Yes, private?"
"They've…captured…him…"
"Who, son?"
"Colonel Nimoy…and his troops…ambushed…us. They've…taken…General Ishida."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
~*~
In Dubber HQ, Matt was tied to a chair in a fairly dark room, with a single halogen lamp shining directly on him. Nimoy and Buchholz walked in, dressed as Colonel Klink (Hogan's Heroes).
"So…you're the general of the rebel army, eh?" Nimoy asked.
"I'm not saying anything. I'd rather die or get placed on Pokémon than betray my people."
"High-spirited, isn't he, Jeff?"
"Yes, Bob. Place him with the other POW's until we can figure out what to do with him, Bob."
An intern from the mailroom scampered in. "Sirs! We've just received word that our spy has been captured and sentenced for execution!"
"Damn, Bob! They've captured the author we put in their studio, Bob!"
"I know, Jeff. I guess having an author in there wasn't such a good idea, Jeff."
"That Lia girl is leading a rebellion, Bob. She's already convinced the Digidestined, Bob. And she's got a few rebel authors on her side, Bob. Grace Musica and Koushiro Izzy Izumi, Bob. They're giving cross-country support, Bob. They could crush us, Bob."
"What if we sent another spy to capture her, Jeff? Not an author, but a general, Jeff?"
"If you mean what I think you mean, Bob, then let's do it, Bob. Send out the Brainwashitron 2007 and 1/3!"
"She won't get away, Bob. I won't let her, Bob."
~*~
Will the Digidestined be able to stop the evil English Dubbers? Will they win the Anime War? Will the real Lia be able to murder the real Pokezack before he ruins her good name forever? (oh, you bet I can!) Find out on the next Weekly Digimon Report, with Lia Agianna!
Hey Sean…other
than being executed here (DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE) I've got a fic "Attack of the Small,
Disgruntled Critters" where a certain adorable author goes for your jugular,
you preppy little bastard you. NOW REVIEW, THAT'S AN ORDER! OR ELSE GET DOWN
AND GIVE ME FIFTY PUSHUPS!