The Weekly Digimon Report
Part of this complete
Digivolution.
The TV studio where the report is broadcasted weekly has been reduced to sheer chaos and a huge mess. Joe's field tent is packed full of patients, and now even Wizardmon's been enlisted as a field medic. Behind Lia's bunker, another tent has been set up. A camp lantern swings precariously overhead as she meets with her remaining generals: Tai of the Ground Troops, Sora of the Air Force, and T.K. and Ken because with their powers combined (T.K.'s cuteness and Ken's attitude) you get a mini-Matt.
"This battle has been going on since week one, and Nimoy hasn't given up yet…Buchholz either. They will not shut this news station down. Taichi, what do we have left for troops?"
"We've resorted to drawing from our supply of random Digidestined from around the world, Ma'am! Michael and Seadramon have been drafted to the Navy with Cody, Ma'am! Chichos and her Gotsumon just arrived this morning and the rest should be coming any time after that, Ma'am!"
"Chichos? Where?" Ken asked nervously. (Chichos will eventually try to glomp Ken)
"Hey, whatever happened to that spy Nimoy and Buchholz sent over here?" Sora questioned.
"We tortured him with hours of Teletubbies and the Jackie Chan Adventures, pumped him full of lead, chopped his carcass into little bite-size pieces, and shipped him UPS back to the enemy front," Lia stated smugly.
T.K. looked like he was going to burst into tears and start crotching someone at any moment. "Matt…"
"Suck it in, soldier!" Lia snapped, tipping her helmet back.
"Request permission to send for reinforcements via the Internet, Ma'am!" Ken suggested.
"The Authors?" Sora gasped.
"Permission granted, Private Ichijouji. Sound the alarm across fanfiction.net cuz we're up to our tags and crests in trouble. As for the news…this is Lia Agianna with the Weekly Digimon Report, in our sixth week. Only one new episode this week, and it's probably going to be like that for the rest of the season. The whole episode focused around Chinese food, Mummymon still can't win, he and Archnemon are now completely Team Rocket-ish, Black Wargreymon found the last Destiny Stone, and Ankylomon and Angemon jogress digivolved into a giant tea set. The whole thing sucked, it was absolutely pointless, the animation looked good but the plot was so Nimoy-dubbed that it turned out to be cutesy and pitiful. As for Shakkoumon, I don't know how an armor-plated armadillo and a bondage angel can turn into a tea set with wings. This episode would be better analyzed, but this is a war, people, and we're pressed for time! Besides, this episode sucked so much I'd take fifty pages just analyzing the first five minutes. So, this was your report, stay tuned for next week's battle, and now ONWARD, TROOPS!"
Lia herself led the remaining Digidestined, along with a rag-tag team of not yet dubbed characters from across the globe onto the battlefield. It was all too quiet.
"Mimi! Where the hell did everybody go?"
"We don't know, Ma'am! Lillymon and I were in the front line with Silphymon one minute, and the next everything just stopped. Nimoy and Buchholz have withdrawn all their dubbed forces, the Power Rangers, Monster Rancher, and Flint, and we have no idea why!"
"Sora!"
"Ma'am!"
"Get your Birdramon and take off. Go find the 01 villains and get them here. I want everyone, down to the last VOD (Villain of the Day). That's an order!"
"What? Lia, you want Etemon and Piedmon fighting on our side? ARE YOU INSANE?" Tai hollered.
"Listen, we don't have a choice right now. Almost all of the normal cast is in the hospital, the global Digidestined and the Authors won't be enough, and with Matt gone we don't have Metalgarurumon around for the extra support! It's either form a truce or we get killed. DO YOU HEAR ME?"
"Yes, Ma'am!"
In the background of the still fields, shrapnel and Astroturf shreds plastered to the once-white walls, Joe can be heard yelling at Wizardmon.
"Dammit, Bones, do something!"
"I'm a doctor, Jim, not a miracle worker!"
"Ah, yes, now we've dug into Star Trek lines. So much love," T.K. sighed.
"LIA!" someone shouted over the hum of a helicopter. A platoon of kids of all ages dressed in combat gear jumped from the open door as the pilot lowered the chopper through the hole in the roof.
"Grace! Sandry! Kou! Good timing, Nimoy and Buchholz have taken a break but I'm betting my Author's Account they'll be here any minute now!"
"Then let's get busy!" Cherry Chibimon cried from within the ranks.
"I'm ready!" afree87 added.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Prepare for trouble!"
"Make it double!"
"NO MORE TEAM ROCKET RIPOFFS!" Shadowmon shrieked from the hospital tent.
Nimoy and Buchholz, dressed in their Colonel Klink outfits, appeared over the horizon (or from the next hall, near the vending machine), their forces of dubbed and pointless TV show casts dragging a huge crate.
"Do you surrender yet, Unauthorized Digidestined?" Nimoy shouted.
"NEVER!" Lia cried, whipping out a machine gun.
"Is that your final answer?" Buchholz added.
"YES!"
"I suggest you rethink that," someone hissed, stepping out from the shadows cast by the water cooler.
"What the…Matt?" Cody gasped, joining the squadron, his helmet still too big.
"Gotta love that Brainwashitron 2007 and a third, Jeff."
"Oh yeah, Bob. You see, little Author, your precious anime boy is ours to command, and there is nothing you can do about it."
"Taichi, get Wargreymon, tell the others to go mega…I don't care if they haven't yet…just get everyone out here NOW!"
"Lia! We're coming!" Sora and Phoenixmon (Biyomon's mega) hollered as the evil villains of the past followed in her wake. Devimon (or the half of him), Etemon (not to be confused with his chrome version), Myotismon (talking crotch not included), the four Dark Masters, and Apocalymon (before the dubbers changed his name for the third time) were pissed and ready to go.
"The time to fight is now! Let's go for it, you guys!" Izzy shouted as he and Herculeskabuterimon (Tentomon's mega) led the now-recuperated troops out of the tent.
"UNLEASH THE SECRET WEAPON, BOB!"
"RIGHTY-O, JEFF!"
The flunkeys pulled out crowbars and started prying the lid off the crate.
"What the hell are they doing?" Rosemon (Palmon's mega) asked.
"Let's spread some sunshine and kick their collective a**es!" MarineAngemon (Gomamon's mega) cheered.
The thing in the crate jumped out and started laughing just as maniacally as Nimoy and Buchholz had been. The 01 villains started screaming like girls.
"IT'S TERRI-LEI O'MALLEY!"
"Who?" the Authors asked.
"TERRI-LEI O'MALLEY! THE ENGLISH PRODUCER!"
"Oh s***," Lia sighed.
~*~
Can we stop the combined forces of Nimoy, Buchholz, Terri-Lei O'Malley and a brainwashed psychopathic Yamato? Will our news show make it to the Christmas episode? Will FOX be able to pay for the damage we've caused? Find out next week, on the Weekly Digimon Report, with Lia Agianna. NOW REVIEW, SOLDIER, OR YOU'LL BE CLEANING THE TOILETS WITH YOUR TOOTHBRUSH!