The Weekly Digimon Report
Now with real eggnog taste!
We're still engaged in World War Three, which is basically taunting the executive board repeatedly and making empty threats. But watching Bob Buchholz turn red in the face is funny. The 03 kids: Takato, Ruki, and Lee, took one look at us, said, "oh, you're the old kids," and left. Screw them. Screw them for getting rid of Matt!
"Izumi, report!"
"Private Killerhurtz sent an email. He says the robots are online and they'll be here by the next report. He's also managed to borrow a couple mobile suits from the Gundam Wing cast. Ma'am!"
"Good. Where's Private Musica?"
"Right here, Lia, ma'am!"
"Private Musica…HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"
"Ma'am! Thank you ma'am!"
"And Private Sandrilene?"
Sandry looked up but didn't say anything. "GET WELL SOON CUZ STREP THROAT SUCKS BIG TIME!"
"Do you surrender yet, you lousy American…Americans?" Shadowmon hollered.
"Never! How about you kids? Give in?" Nimoy challenged.
"The day we give in is the day Ash stops trying to be a Pokémon Master, the day half the Gundam cast gets personality, the day Sailor Moon stops wearing those meatballs, the day Sakura doesn't annoy Li, the day…"
"WE GET THE PICTURE!"
Just as Matt and Tai were about to lob half a dozen grenades over to the other side of the studio, everything stopped. Not a single person moved…except for Lia while she was frantically typing. The studio doors opened, and someone stepped in.
"I've had just enough of this."
Lia glanced at the figure, who was wearing a red sequined Santa hat; his scythe decked out in blinky Christmas tree lights.
"Hello, Reo. So, you finally decided to grace us with your presence, is that it?"
"You bet I did. Now, we're going to put our bazookas away for now and have a nice, quiet, nonviolent Christmas special like the network intends."
"Christmas? What you talkin' 'bout-" Tai started to say.
"If you say 'what you talkin' 'bout Willis' I will personally hurt you!" Willis hollered.
"Yeah, it's like, March!" Mimi added.
"In case you didn't see the title on this week's screen, it's the Christmas Digimon episode. Now, strike this set, you people that shouldn't be here get into the studio audience, digimon return to rookie forms…well, except the Cat and the Hat…Nimoy, release those POW's, and let's do something freaking merry or I'll be forced to use this here Lemon Scythe!" the Infamous Boss Reo commanded.
Instantly the set was transformed from a bloody battlefield to a quaint ski lodge, complete with cocoa and a crackling fire. Nimoy and Buchholz reluctantly brought out Veemon, Davis, and Nicki.
"The light. Look Davish, real shunlight!"
"DAVIS!"
"Ken! Oh Kenny!" You guessed it, Davis and Ken started hugging like crazy, making Yolei nearly choke on her candy cane. Nicki took one look around the room, stuffed her hands into her pockets and said, "eh."
"What's her problem?" Izzy whispered.
"She's not really into the show anymore. Looks like you're out of a girlfriend," Joe replied. Izzy nearly collapsed.
"Okay, you three," Reo pointed at the Evil Execs, "are not to interfere with the report, got it? This is Lia's fanfic, and you are to keep your mouths shut or I will shut them for you."
"Yeah! I mean, why are you so mad at us anyway? It's not like we're plagiarizing! Lia makes absolutely no money off these things at all! It would be different if she sold her stories and made a profit, but the only money she gets comes from weekly allowances and babysitting but lately she doesn't even get that cuz she broke her printer and has to pay for it so get off our cases!" Cody argued.
"You, shorty, shut up! Lia, get on with this report so we can go out and snowball fight, old-school style."
"Yes, Reo, right away, Reo," Lia said in a deadpan voice.
"I'm Lia Agianna, and welcome to week eight of the Weekly Digimon Report. I don't have much to say, other than MERRY CHRISTMAS! And now, to Davis for a recap of what happened today. Davis, if you'd be so kind?"
"Sure. Okay, so it was Christmas, and Ken invited all us new Digidestined to a wicked cool party, but not after we delivered the 01 cast's digimon as presents. Tai got really disappointed that Sora likes Matt and not him, and Matt got to do another concert. T.K.'s mom ran into some creepy guy in a trenchcoat, and Archnemon and Mummymon started some trouble downtown. Matt's concert got interrupted by some invading digimon, but with everyone's help we got that problem taken care of in no time. Special guest appearances by all the season one gang, their digimon, Mr. Ishida, Mrs. Takaishi, Mimi's folks, Izzy's family, Ken's mom, Jun, Yolei's sister, and a special musical performance by Matt! How did I do?"
"Great, Davis," Ken said, snuggling close to his goggle-headed buddy.
"Right. Now, since we did have a concert, let's get a musical review from Gabumon, our resident horn dog. Gabumon?"
"I wanted some of those cookies! You didn't save me any! Greedy basta…heheh, um, Matt once again proved to be the best and only musician worthy of being on the show. We were glad to hear more of his English dubbed song, but disappointed that it was sped up too much and muffled. And having the digimon invade in the middle of it was a damper too. All in all, I give it two paws way, way up!"
"Of course I didn't save you any, Sora made them for me!" Matt snapped.
"Pipe down, or you'll find you and that guitar in an uncompromising situation!" Reo hollered. Matt immediately shut up. Lia was a little unnerved.
"O-kay, moving on. For an episode analysis of our yuletide cheer, who better than the digimon that qualifies as head fruitcake, Goma?!"
"Thanks Lia. Okie-dokey, this episode wasn't bad to begin with, but it could have been better if someone didn't try to keep sticking in lame jokes every interval. Joe looked like he didn't have much to do, but the upcoming trip to Australia may remedy that. The Sorato scene was less serious, and that kind of ruined the mood. Matt was made to look more like a shallow airhead today, and everyone around here…especially Lia cuz she spends more time with Yama than even ol' horn dog does…knows he's definitely not a valley girl guy. There was way too much digivolving! Half the episode was digivolving as usual! If it's not regular digivolving, it's jogress digivolving! Oh, and Kari's little rhyme commentary thing, it sucked. They should have done it Japan-style, with no narration and background muzak. Uh…I think that was everything I wanted to include…I didn't get to say much of anything other than 'Gomamon, digivolve to…' and that's just plain ripping me off! So, that's my little take on things. Back to you, Lia."
"Thanks, Gomer. I think that wraps up our report for this week, unless anyone else has news?"
"You kids! You damned lousy kids! Just you wait! The guy in the trenchcoat will get you all! You'll see!" Buchholz shouted. "And then on the last episode you'll be shown as adults and you'll probably all grow up to look like your parents!"
"Buchholz, you idiot! You just gave away the entire rest of the series!" O'Malley hissed.
"We're going to go cut more scenes and censor things. We'll be back later to destroy you all. Come, my executives, let us go drown our sorrows in changing the name of Apocalymon yet again," Nimoy sighed dejectedly.
No sooner did the executives leave than Sora jumped up enthusiastically.
"We…just…temporarily…WON!" she cried.
The Authors, Reviewers, Extra Digidestined, and Evil 01 Villains cheered. Matt and Lia were hugging and shrieking and stuff.
"We did it! We did it!" Matt hollered.
"For now."
"Yeah, but something's better than nothing, isn't it?" Joe pointed out.
"Thanks for helping us, all of you! As a prize, everyone here wins a date with me!" Willis announced, grinning wildly. Kari and Yolei groaned.
"I hope you mean 'all the girls here' otherwise you'll be having a few yaoi dates," Mimi mentioned.
Lia swatted Matt upside the head, forcing him to get out of the way as she turned to Reo.
"Hey, thanks a lot for giving us a hand today. I'll get the next installment of Batpig to you when I can," she said, shaking his hand.
"Don't mention it. Yo Wiz-Gig, keep outta trouble, kay?"
"Don't call me Wiz-Gig!" Wizardmon fumed.
~*~
Meanwhile, in Evil Executive Headquarters…
"We were so close! We were so close and you had to go and goof it all up for the sake of having a Jeff Nimoy Christmas! I hope you're happy!" Terri-Lei O'Malley shrieked, throwing a soundtrack reel across the room.
"This is only a minor setback. We'll be back hurting them next week, don't you worry, Terri-Lei, Boss," Buchholz said, cowering.
"You're right, Bob. But that girl…that girl is too resistant, Bob. She's too headstrong, Bob. Not even brainwashing her boyfriend stopped her, Bob. We have to find her weakness, Bob."
"Our intern crew is already on it, Jeff. They've been working night and day to find her weakness, Jeff. Something's gotta yank her chain, Jeff, and we will find it, Jeff."
"Would you two stop talking like that? It's pointless and utterly aggravating!" O'Malley scowled.
~*~
Yeah, yeah, will we stop the dubbers? Will they find my weak link? Et cetera et cetera et cetera, next time on the Weekly Digimon Report with Lia Agianna! Special thanks to the Infamous Boss Reo for complaining about not being inserted…this is for the Wiz-Gig, Reo. And to everyone else out there that is in my Corps of Troops but don't get mentioned…you're in there! You're an important part! And if you want your name mentioned like Sana Jisushi, Pastel-chan, Karuri-chan a.k.a. Setsuna, Flower Cannon and the others, all you have to do is REVIEW!!!