The Weekly Digimon Report
With more frequent flyer
miles than Tai has hair.
The usual battlefield set has been taken down, and replaced with a leftover set from Home Improvement. The Reviewers, Authors, and spare characters are seated in the studio audience bleachers, relaxing and sipping at coffee. Mimi, clad in a red cotton dress that barely reaches mid thigh, a pair of leather work boots, and a tool belt, stands in front of them.
"Does everybody know what time it is?"
People started hollering random times from their respective time zones. (It's 3:38 PM where I live.)
"I give up. It didn't work, Willis. They don't get it!"
"Then just get off the stage!"
Ken, working the sound mixer, strikes up some random theme song, which sounds suspiciously like one of Yama's bass riffs. Lia comes onstage, grinning malevolently. She's wearing leather steel-toe boots, oversized white boys' socks, denim shorts, a turquoise blue t-shirt reading "Missions 2001," a tool belt with a hammer and a paint brush in it, work gloves, and safety goggles.
"Hi everyone!"
The crowd cheers wildly.
"Welcome to the Weekly Digimon Report, Week Ten. You all know me as Lia Agianna. I bet you all wanna know why we're not in the middle of the Dubber War. Well, King Weregarurumon put in a complaint in our Complaint Department, and so this week we're taking a little break. Besides, this is the last report I'm doing before I go away for April Vacation. Now, because I'm going away on my Missions trip, which is basically Habitat for Humanity in the South Carolina ghetto, I won't be able to do Weeks Eleven and Twelve of the Weekly Digimon Report. But fear not, fans! Sandrilene, oh right, um, now called Sandrilene Anastasia, is going to fill in for me, right Sandry?"
"You bet!"
"And don't worry, I'm shipping Ken and Matt over for backup…which reminds me…Sana, is that you or Karuri-chan who keeps asking how you can pick up your date with your Digidestined or Cody? Anyway, if you wanna pick up your date or Cody, email me at elizagh@yahoo.com and I'll be glad to send you your bishy. Okay, it was just one new episode, part one of the Digimon World Tour, and who better to review it than the star of this weekend's episode, Palmon?"
"Thanks so much, Lia! Well, the Japanese Digidestined are all off around the world destroying control spires and sending all the digimon back to the Digital World. Everyone's split up, and somehow Mimi and I got sent Davis. And then Cherrymon caused a big problem in Rockefeller Center and we had to take care of that, with the help of the U.S. Digidestined. And then Izzy and Kari had a few minor problems in Hong Kong with the Asian Digidestined, but they straightened things out. Special guest appearances by the 01 cast, Mimi's parents, the American Digidestined, the Chinese and Indian Digidestined, Michael, and his dad. Back to you, Lia!"
"Thanks, Palmon. Well, before we analyze anything, can somebody help me with my tool belt? It's too big! TOOL BISHY!"
Matt came running out in a tank top, causing the female portion of the audience to shriek.
"Gimme your belt and I'll fix it…TAKE ME WITH YOU, WOMAN! DON'T LEAVE ME WITH…THEM!"
"Sorry, Yama, but I can't fit you. Besides, I think T.K. would have a conniption fit. You can hang out with Ken and be angsty together. Okay?"
"Fine…hey wait a minute, what do you mean you can't fit me?"
A Demidevimon flapped out and perched on Lia's shoulder, brooding.
"I hate being a rookie. When can I digivolve back to champion?" he asked.
"After I get to the Faith/Hope House where we're staying. Then you can be Wizardmon again. Oh, everyone, this is Demidevimon, formerly Wizardmon. He's only devolved because I can fit him into my duffel bag this way."
"Ohhhhh," the crowd said.
"Anyway, Willis, you do the analysis while I hunt down a sleeping bag."
"Righty-o. Okay, there wasn't much going on today. There are too many freaking Gennai clones and they all look like Obi-Wan Kenobi. Lia's VCR hates her because she used the timer while she was out so she could have this weekend's episode and the damn thing taped over half of 38 and all of 39. We were with the American Digidestined and I DIDN'T SHOW UP! That prissy bastard Michael and his polo playing a** got to show up but not me! Why?! And there are too many people hitting on Kari! And why didn't Matt and Ken get to say anything? The others all got to comment and they didn't. All we heard out of either of them was "right" and "nice work Imperialdramon" or something to that extent. But WHY CAN'T I EXIST?! I WANNA BE IN THE SHOW! And did anyone else notice how Mummymon just kind of magically appeared on that swing? The panned out shot showed nothing, and then two seconds later he was there. Oh well. This is Willis, reporting on how screwed things are. Back to you, Lia."
"OW! I dropped my hammer. I thought these were steel-toe boots! Oh, we're back. Hey, I watched episode 38 on Friday and they fixed a few slipups in the dub. Good for the producers! TOOL BISHY!"
Matt came running out again. "What now?"
"You and Ken are going home with Sandrilene, she's taking the reports for the next two weekends. I'm leaving Thursday night at nine PM, Eastern Standard Time, so if you want to send me an email of encouragement before then, my address is somewhere above. Remember, if you send it after Thursday I won't read it until probably Sunday the 22nd since I'm down south. Wish me luck! This has been Lia Agianna for the Weekly Digimon Report. So long!"
"Lia, since you're going soon, I wanted to give you something," Matt the Tool Bishy said. Lia glanced up just in time to catch Matt giving her one hell of a kiss. The audience started catcalling in approval.
"Oy! You two make me sick. Demi dart!" Demi-Wizardmon knocked Matt out mid-make out. Meanwhile, Willis was beating up Michael and Izzy was chasing after Nicki.
"HOW COULD YOU GO OUT WITH SOMEONE NAMED JOE? IT'S INHUMAN!"
~*~
Dubber Headquarters…
"Bob! Is that thing ready yet, Bob?"
"Yes, Jeff. But we can't use it for another three reports, Jeff."
"Why not, Bob? What's the big idea, Bob?"
"The author girl, that Lia, she's going away and won't be around for us to torment, Jeff. We'll have to wait until she's back before we can do anything, Jeff."
"Then this will make an excellent welcome home present, Bob. She will not foil our plans anymore, Bob. I swear it on the Book of Cheap Editing, Bob."
"Right you are, Jeff."
~*~
Goodbye for now, faithful readers! I'll be back Sunday, April 22. Well, I'll be back that Saturday but I won't be home in time to catch that episode of Digimon, which will be Matt and Ken in Mexico with Chichos, the glomping girl. So look for the Weekly Digimon Report with Sandrilene for all your up-to-the-episode coverage of the Digimon World Tour. I'm going to be aching and sore, but at least I'll have my Tool Bishounen for some cuddling after the workday is over. ~.^
~Lia