In a shocking game that touched the world in a brand new - but awful - way, Africa's Mighty Lions walked all over England in yesterday's record-breaking Quidditch event. Seeker Harry Potter was obviously not himself, as certain members of the team report that he was quite green in the locker room, and loyal fans were sure he didn't have the same energy on his state-of-the-art Silver Streak 2000 professional broom. After the game, witnesses saw Harry taking off in the direction of Kenya. Where he is now, nobody knows. Officials report that they may be well on the track to find him.
Future Quidditch for England is seriously endangered if Harry isn't found soon!! Even though they are facing only mild competition against the United States Stars next month, England's team members - and plenty of fans - are rather worried. Angelina Johnson, one of the excellent group of Chasers, says, "Harry's just not himself - it worries all of us. I haven't seen him in the mood to do anything that drastic since we lost to Hufflepuff in his third year!!" Fred and George Weasley seemed very confused and anxious for Harry, as well.
But Oliver Wood, never fully free of his maniac energy, looks at the bright side of an uncomfortable situation. "Well, we still won the Quidditch Cup that year, didn't we?" he retorts in response to Angelina's comment. "Harry just needs rest and time to himself. Probably some personal problem - nothing that some extra dedication in training can't cure!!" Could this simple answer really be all that's needed??
Although there are many speculations about what's wrong with Harry, nobody really knows. Cho Potter of Quidditch Weekly, was unavailible for comment due to her hospitalization - Harry's child is on the way!! Ministry of Magic officials have been unable to find the greatest Seeker in the wizarding world as yet.
Could the hero of the wizarding world finally have cracked??
The bestselling witch author Hermione Granger, now Hermione Weasley after her recent marriage to the famous Ron Weasley, commentator for Quidditch Weekly Network, has produced another work of genius!! Master 'Technology and Wizardry' in a Month is sure to be a classic among all Hogwarts students!!
The book, already sold in fourteen different languages and three million copies, explains how to study for, understand, and ace the hardest course in all Hogwarts history (according to student polls). 'Technology and Wizardry,' now a required course for all seven years, goes through seven stages of life, from ancient civilizations to 3000, comparing and contrasting inventions with spells. The course, from fifth year on up, requires one year of Divination as a prerequisite, so that the years from 2012 to 3000 can be predicted without confusion.
Hermione gives all the little-known tips she used when studying for difficult classes in her time at Hogwarts, and also gives a view into the life of a modern Hogwarts student. The book, a stunning 800 pages long, is actually the shortest of Hermione's wise books. It is still a must-buy, however, for any Hogwarts student. Rush to your bookstore immediately!!
Professor Severus Snape, longtime Potions teacher at Hogwarts and later convicted of murder and treason, has disappeared from his grave. The grave, filled for seven years, is now empty and dirt surrounds it. Time to be afraid!!
Experts suspect that You-Know-Who wanted his loyal servant back, and the public generally agrees. Snape was a liar and cruel teacher in his time, and 69 years was enough for everyone - we don't need another couple!!
The Ministry of Magic is currently tracking down the victim. Send red sparks in the direction of London if you see him in your vicinity, and the revolutionary tracking machine will come straight to your house and do a complete scan of the area.
The Daily Prophet suggests staying inside, watching for reports on your radio and television constantly, and keeping pets in the house!! If anything should happen at home, make sure you've bought the brand-new Cornelius Fudge Memorial Alarm System. Beware!!
Dear Daily Prophet Writers & Editors,
I am severly displeased with your biased opinion of Severus Snape. He was a wise Potions teacher, I know, and any other students I've met who had him for that class have a complete and absolutely factual knowledge of any potion I can name.
You of course have all heard of the "myth" of a place called Heaven, derived from the Muggle concepts in ancient times by Egyptian wizards. Is it not possible that Snape's body could have risen to the sky so that he could rest in peace forever??
His dying words to his favorite students Harry and Ron (yes, I did say 'favorite!!') were the words only an honest gentlemen would utter; however, I am sworn to secrecy on exactly what they were. But, if this is enough for you, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley both think very highly of Severus - not for no reason at all.
I simply comment to plead for a less biased newspaper. Objectiveness is more valuble than you know!!
- Lavender Brown....lbrown@wizardrabbitnews.com
Dear Daily Prophet,
I am writing basically to complain about an uninformed teacher and a badly designed class at Hogwarts. Muggle Studies could cover so much that is interesting about Muggles, yet it focuses on unimportant and embarrassing points in our history!!
Being from a Muggle-born family (and proud of it!), I am seriously offended by this. I think Hogwarts should completely rethink this course and maybe let the teacher take it. I have just graduated from my seventh year at Hogwarts, and I thought it was time to let them know what I think.
My friends who have taken the course over the years have learned absolutey nothing of importance about Muggles. I have had to teach them all that they know. Please, Hogwarts, listen to me and the Daily Prophet, and make use of this valuble advice!!
- Alex Black....blackblack@DoTheMuggle.com
Dear Daily Prophet,
You hardly focus at all on the Ministry of Magic's doings these days!! Instead, it's Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hogwarts, and Quidditch, Quidditch, Quidditch. PLEASE, I'm begging you for world news, and government news, not just this sports and education junk!!
- Robert Allemagi....robertallemagi@ministryofmagic.gov
°F.°F. °F.Minister of Magic Roy O'Leera announced that he would be stepping down this morning on Wizard National News. He says that the job has become "too much" and that he longs to start his retirement and happy days on his new yacht. Unfortunately, officials from the Ministry seem very displeased with this sudden resignment, and roam their offices with displeasure.
However, they are quite happy at the thought of choosing a new Minister/Ministress. They remained silent when asked about their progress on the search, but Daily Prophet reporters note that official-looking owls have been seen flying to and from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, the Moonlight Publishing Company, and the Poltergeist Charm Masters Inc. main offices. To be continued...