Part 2
Written by:
Kevin Farley, Laurie LeBlanc, Derek Snow and Stephanie Beaulieu
(Mike, Carmen and the robots take their respective seats in the theater.)
Zack's voice, answering the posed quiz question: Another name for the
Netherlands is Holland.
Mike
True or False- another name for Holland is the Netherlands.
(The detectives crash into the water.)
Crow
The judges give that a 7.2.
Tom
Damn Russians! Always bringing down the score!
(The detectives get out of the deep water and now are standing in
knee deep water. They are shown soaking wet. The Chief signals
the detectives. The camera then focuses on Zack's communicator.)
Mike
Hey, what time IS it?
Zack: Go ahead, Chief.
(Camera focuses on the Chief.)
The Chief: Hot tip! This just in from Crimenet!
(Pan out that shows the detectives. They now look dry.)
Tom
Hey, they're dry!
(Camera zooms out a bit more and shows the detectives soaking wet.)
Mike
Now they're wet again.
The Chief: Toriste Classe-
Ivy: Was spotted in Amsterdam. (sarcastically)
Thanks for the hot tip, Chief.
The Chief: (his eyes are rolled upwards) Aw, get up on the wrong
side of the web this morning, Charlotte?
Crow
Chief, you could use some Metamucil...
Zack: Player, could you C-5 us to the Van Gogh Museum before Carmen's
trail totally chills?
Tom
Like dude, no promises.
(Scene shifts to inside the museum. A lady dressed in yellow walks down the
hallway. The detectives C-5 inside.)
Ivy: Hi..., we're from the Acme Detective Agency.
Mike and the 'bots
Hi..., we're from the Satellite of Love. Bite us!
Lady (has odd accent): How did you get in herre without me hearring you?
Zack: Dude, don't tax your noggin'. That's why (lifts up his right
leg and points to his foot) they call 'em 'sneakers.'
Mike
(does a rimshot)
(Zack puts his leg down.)
Ivy: What can you tell us about this Van Gogh painting?
Tom
Inquiring Ivy wants to know.
Why would Carmen just steal the eyes?
Lady: Maybee she wanted the eyes beecause they were the most
drraamatic of anee that Van Gogh painted.
Tom (imitating accent) Carmen (quietly to herself)
Oh, maybee you right? Sara Bellum? Is that you?
(The Chief pulls up a file on Van Gogh. A silly drawing of
the artist is shown painting his masterpieces rapidly.)
The Chief: Van Gogh used bold colors and vibrant brush strokes.
Mike
He used LSD.
Crow
And lots of speed.
(Van Gogh paints even more rapidly.)
The Chief: Hey Vinnie, Vinmeister, be careful- you're making me nervous!
Tom (Brooklyn accent)
Yo Vinnie! Stop the painting!
(Camera focuses on the detectives and the Lady.)
Zack: Hey, wasn't Van Gogh the dude who went ballistic and cut off his
own ear?
Lady: He waz a trroubled man, porr Vincennt.
Tom
Aw.
Lady: He sufferred through poverrtee and loneleeness
Crow
He was beaten by a paintbrush as a child!
and only sold one painting in his whole lifetime. (sighs)
Look arround eef you liike, the pollice arre compleetlee
baffled.
Mike
That's cuz they didn't have their doughnuts yet.
(A clanky windup robot toy of Carmen wobbles up to the detectives.)
Robot Carmen Toy: I have the biggest nose, but I might be lyin'.
Tom
The HELL?
Crow
An insult to robots everywhere!
Robot Carmen Toy: I have the biggest nose, but I might be lyin.
(Toy wobbles and smokes.)
Zack: It's a bomb! Duck! (kicks toy off camera)
(Toy explodes.)
Mike
That toy failed every child safety test!
(Camera zooms in on Zack who is ducked down. His butt faces the
audience.)
Tom
Anybody want to 'crack' a joke here?
Carmen (groans)
Ivy: Get up Zack!
(Zack looks up, but his butt still faces the audience.)
Crow
Just what DO you call that position?
Ivy: It's just Carmen taunting us, as usual. Player, access files on
big noses.
(Camera focuses on the Player's hands which are typing rather quickly.)
Crow
I am calling up my Family Tree.
(Camera focuses back on the detectives. A screen appears next to them. Pictures
appear rapidly.)
Crow (commenting on each picture)
Anteater- My aunt.
Elephant- My uncle.
Clown- AAAAH!
Mt. Rushmore- Those are my four big brothers.
Zack: Hey! Mt. Rushmore! (a map of the USA appears in the lower
left hand corner) That's in South Dakota. (South Dakota turns
yellow on the map. The map zooms off the screen.)
Mike and the 'bots (singing)
Cruisin' USA...
The Chief narrates: The faces of Mt. Rushmore took fourteen years to
complete.
Mike
And were built by aliens! Ooh wee ooh!
(Camera zooms in on Lincoln's face. A silly looking drawing of a basketball
player is placed next to them.)
Crow (Forrest Gump)
Mama always said I could play in the NBA...
The Chief: Lincoln was one of our tallest presidents, measuring six foot
eight inches.
Zack: Hmm, could the noses of any of these presidents be the industrial
sized beaks Carmen's after?
Ivy: I have the biggest nose, but I might be lyin'....
Mike
No Ivy, your nose is fine. Really.
None of those presidents were known for lying.
Zack: Cross reference big nose with famous liars.
Tom
Bill Clinton.
Crow Mike
OJ Simpson. Uh, guys?
Tom
Richard Nixon. Guys?
Crow
Leona Helmsley.
Tom
Paula Jones. It's Pinocchio!
(Picture of Pinocchio appears on the screen. The Chief gives an
overview of his story.)
The Chief: Pinocchio's nose would grow when he lied.
Pinocchio: I didn't lie! I was framed, I tell you!
Crow (Edward G. Robinson)
I was framed, see!
(Pinocchio's nose grows.)
Zack: Hang on a sec. Maybe we're picking the wrong noses.
Ivy: Eeew! Zack!
Mike
Our sentiments exactly.
Zack: Cuz, maybe we're picking the wrong lion. Maybe Carmen
meant 'lion,' spelled l-i-o-n. Player, punch up some famous lions.
Tom (Mufasa)
Simba...
(Pictures of lions go by.)
Zack: Stop!
Mike and the 'bots (singing)
In the name of love...
before you take my nose...
(Picture now shows the Sphinx.)
Zack: Look! The Sphinx! It has the head of a man, and a body of
a lion. And, its nose is missing!
Ivy: (odd tone of voice) Yes! Zack!
Crow
This is a kids' show, right?
Zack: C-5 us to Egypt!
(C-5 door is now focused on by the camera.)
Tom
We ought to get doors like that!
(The camera moves a descent speed through the corridor.)
Mike
This is a journey....into your mind.
Crow
Any questions?
(The large screen at the end of the tunnel is now in view.)
Tom
Worship the all mighty movie screen. Bow down and give sacrifice to it.
(The Chief gives an overview of Egypt and the Sphinx. Then, a picture
of the Sphinx is shown with an odd nose. It is highlighted with the words
"Bogus Nose" written next to it.)
Tom
Michael Jackson, 3000 years ago.
Zack: Who gave it the 'bogus nose job,' Chief?
The Chief: No one knows for sure.
Ivy: Some say that ancient armies used to use the Sphinx for target
practice.
(Silly drawn cartoon army appears on the screen. The captain raises
his sword and the canon next to him is fired. The canon ball knocks
off the Sphinx's nose.)
Crow
Michael Jackson- today.
The Chief: That gives new meaning to blowing your nose, huh?
Mike
I'm laughing on the inside.
(C-5 exit rapidly comes into view.)
Crow
Too fast!
The Chief: Next stop, the Great Sphinx!
(Camera shows the Sphinx's face.)
Crow
The creators of this show would like to thank Michael Jackson for his
co-operation.
(C-5 corridor opens up behind a large stone atop the Sphinx. Zack and Ivy
peer around it and notice 3 henchmen with their backs to them.)
Ivy: There's Carmen's henchmen! I don't think they're stealing the
Sphinx at all! This is just a trap! (shakes head violently.)
Tom
Ivy has a seizure.
Zack: Great, we're about to become history on a piece of history!
(Shot of Zack's foot steeping into a crack.)
Crow
Nice shoes.
(Zack trips.)
Mike
Call in the stunt double!
(Zack begins to slide down the side of the Sphinx.)
Ivy: Nice going!
Mike (as Zack is falling)
Bite......me.....!
(The three henchmen charge after Ivy. Ivy kicks the first
henchmen down.)
Crow
La Femme Nikita.
(Ivy tumbles between the second henchman's legs.)
Tom
Xena, Warrior Princess.
(Ivy tires to kick the third henchman but she loses her balance.
She and the henchman fall. The henchman gets a rope attached to the
top of the Sphinx. Ivy misses grabbing the rope and grabs the
henchman's shoe.)
Ivy: Zaaaack!
Mike
Get me a stunt double too!
Zack: Hang on, Ivy! (boards a flying contraption and flies to
the rescue.)
(Camera focuses on Ivy and the henchman. The henchman's pants fall
down, showing the henchman's heart decorated underwear.)
Tom (turning to Carmen)
Do you issue them that underwear?
Carmen
No.....
(Zack flies underneath Ivy and she lands behind him on the
gizmo, holding the henchman's pants. Two henchmen jump onto
similar gizmos and pursue the detectives.)
Crow
To the henchmen mobiles!
Tom
Man, if this were Star Trek, those extras would be dead by now!
Ivy: We can't outrun them!
Zack: Trust me, we can outrun these geekwads on an anorexic
turtle!
Mike
This kid know fifty languages. Is English REALLY one of them?
(First henchman's vehicle blows up.)
Tom
Grandpa tried to program the VCR!
(Second henchman's vehicle malfunctions and crashes.)
Tom
Oh, the microwave too? Can't we have nice things?
(Zack laughs and does a loopy-dee-loop.)
Mike
Maverick....
Ivy: Zack! Where did you learn to drive?
Crow (Zack)
On the bumper cars.
Zack: Hey, the Sahara desert is the largest desert in the world.
With three and a half million square miles of sand, the only thing
I'm hitting is warp speed!
(Ivy reaches into the henchman's pants' pocket.)
Ivy: Hey! Look what that henchman had in his pants' pocket.
Pesetas!
Zack: Yeah and marbles don't float in ketchup. So what?
Tom
Hey Mike, I'd like to try that. Got any ketchup?
Crow
I got a marble!
Ivy: Pesetas are Spanish currency...we're in Egypt!
Zack: So, you think Carmen sent those three stooges from Spain?
Tom (sarcastically)
No!
Ivy: I bet Carmen is there now!
Tom (sarcastically)
No!
Hey, something is written on this one. It's says, 'Let's
Go Cave?'
(Zack reaches for them.)
Mike (Zack)
Let's get bent? Lemme see that!
Zack: Let's go surfing and let's go to the movies, I understand.
But what does 'Let's Go Cave' mean?
(The Chief signals the detectives.)
Zack: Go ahead, Chief.
(The Chief appears right in front of them.)
Tom
Stop...doing...that!
The Chief: Hot tip!
(Detectives scream and crash.)
The Chief: Carmen Sandiego robbed another
museum!
Ivy: (as she is speaking, she is beating sand off
herself at what appears to be breast level.) Don't
tell me- in Spain, right Chief?
Tom
Need a hand Ivy? I could help you.
Mike
Uh, kids' show....
The Chief: She stole the nose from this Picasso
painting.
(The Chief places a picture of the painting on his view
screen.)
Mike and the 'bots (tilt their heads to try to figure out
where the nose is)
Zack: Carmen's stolen a pair of eyes, and a nose from two
paintings. What do you wanna bet she's scoping out a famous
mouth, right about now?
Tom
Fifty cents.
Carmen (stares at Tom)
Ivy: But which mouth?
Zack: (taps Ivy on the head)
Tom (makes knocking sounds each time Zack touches
Ivy's head)
Hello! Do some cerebrum sit-ups, Ivy!
(Zack glides up to Ivy and poses. His hands are
framed around his mouth.)
Mike
Zack's been struck with mime disease.
Zack: Who has the most famous smile in the world?
Ivy: (sighs) Tom Cruise.
All (sing)
Tommy can you hear me?
Zack: No! From a famous painting!
Ivy: Oh Zack, she's after the Mona Lisa! (in a singing sort
of voice) You are a genius!
Zack: I guess I am.
Mike
A moron.
Zack: Now if only I knew where the Mona Lisa was. Player,
some help?
(C-5 appears from above.)
Mike (Kirk)
Scotty, beam us up.
Tom (Scotty)
Capt'n! I canna get the powa!
(The C-5 door is shown.)
The Chief's voice: We're C-5ing you from Egypt to
Paris, France.
Mike
Where they hate Americans.
(The corridor of the C-5 is moving very slowly in this
section.)
Crow (describing what he sees)
Ghandi...,a rocket..., the Bible..., the Pythagorean Theorem...,
Mona Lisa..., Shamu..., Mount Rushmore..., and a yak.
The Chief's voice: Paris is home to many beautiful
artifacts like the Mona Lisa.
Mike (Nat King Cole)
Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa
Men have loved you...
(The C-5 goes to an end. The camera shows the glass pyramid
outside the Louvre.)
Crow
Now they're back in Egypt!
(Shot of the Louvre's main building.)
Tom
That's my house.
Crow
No, it isn't!
Tom
Yes, it is.
(The camera now shows Toriste Classe cutting the glass
around the painting. He then stands up.)
Toriste: Ah! The Mona Lisa!
Mike
Carmen, might I suggest stricter hiring policies?
Carmen (glares at Mike)
(Zack and Ivy C-5 in. Toriste sees Zack first.)
Toriste: What! You!
(Just then Ivy plunks a silver helmet on Toriste that
looks very much like a football helmet.)
Mike (finishing)
Are John Elway! Ready, set, hut!
(Three henchmen run down the hallway and spot the
detectives.)
One henchman: Hold it right there!
Mike
We want John Elway's autograph!
(The detectives run past an odd statue of a centaur
with a twisted support poll between its front and back legs.)
Crow
I call this one, "Screw Up My Crotch."
(Zack and Ivy dash to two empty pillars and pose as statues.)
Mike
Acting.
(The henchmen dash into the room. One stares at Zack. He
giggles and waves. The henchmen dive at the detectives but
fall right on their faces.)
Mike
Not acting.
(Zack and Ivy roll the henchmen up in a large rug.)
Crow
Well, we got this rug to deliver now.
(On screen Carmen stops the rug by placing her foot on it.)
Carmen: I can't watch this. (ducks under her seat)
On screen Carmen: (sporting a scarf across her face) Ah, my
favorite detectives.
(Zack and Ivy are then dragged off two henchmen. The henchmen
place their hands over the detectives' mouths.)
Mike
Thank God! We forgot our lines!
(Fade out.)
Tom (to Carmen)
You can get up now.
The Chief's voice reads the quiz question: The largest desert in
the world has about three and a half million square miles of sand.
Can you name it?
Carmen (gets back up)
Crow
When in doubt, pick 'C.'
Tom
There is no 'C', dummy. Besides, I know the answer.
It's Wisconsin!
Mike and Carmen
Wisconsin?!
Tom
Yeah- it has three and a half square miles of NOTHING!
Mike and Carmen (stare at Tom)
(Fade in.)
The Chief's voice answering the quiz question: The Sahara
desert is the largest desert in the world.
Tom
I still think my answer was more informative.
(Zack and Ivy are trapped in the museum's store room. Zack tries to
pick the lock to the door with a crown.)
Tom
He's getting real familiar with that door...
Ivy: (sarcastically) Pose as statues, they'll never see us!
Zack: Hey, I didn't see you come up with anything better, sis!
(Ivy comes over with a scepter and tries to pry open the door.)
Crow
Oh sure, I always use the priceless Crown Jewels to pry open
my door!
(Ivy grabs onto the chandelier above her.)
Ivy: How many times do I have to tell you? (begins to
swing towards the door) Don't- (kicks door)
Tom
Ow.
Call me (kicks door)
Tom
Ow.
SIS! (kicks door open)
Tom
Big ow!
Zack: Okay, okay, you made your point!
Mike
You have PMS really bad!
Ivy: Good, Zachary. (walks away from her brother)
(Zack is alone for a moment with a huffy expression
on his face.)
Mike and the 'bots (make growling noises)
(Zack exits. Scene shifts to outside a cafe in Paris.
The Eiffel Tower is visible in the background.)
Mike and the 'bots
Phallic symbol!
(Camera pans to show an old man with funny white hair
and a checkered vest drawing the Eiffel Tower on the
sidewalk. Zack and Ivy are standing behind him.)
Tom (Scottish accent)
Leave me alone to draw me phallic symbol.
(The Chief signals the detectives.)
Ivy: Go ahead, Chief.
(The Chief appears on the ground in front of
the old man. The man's eyes open wide.)
Tom (Scottish accent)
Oh me heart!
The Chief: Hot tip! Carmen Sandiego has just
stolen the airwaves for the entire world!
Don't ask me how she did it.
(The Chief appears on a multitude of screens.)
Crow
Fifty-seven channels and still nothing's on.
The Chief: Here's Carmen!
Carmen (ducks under her seat)
On Screen Carmen: I've proven myself to be the
world's greatest thief, time after time.
Tom
Greatest actress, no.
Ivy: (notices something on the screen) Look
at that- (points towards televisions and it appears
her finger is in Zack's nostril.)
Tom
You had a booger.
on the screen behind Carmen!
(The camera zooms in to the wall behind the
On Screen Carmen. There are many ancient
animals painted on it looking like cows and bulls.)
Mike and the 'bots: MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Crow
Got milk?
Zack: Where is that cave Carmen's beaming from?
The Chief: That cave? That particular cave? Zack
buddy, there are paintings like that (his screen
shows the cave painting again)
Mike and the 'bots: MOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
in caves all over the world!
(Camera shifts to the detectives.)
Ivy: But Chief, Carmen was just in France and she
should be somewhere close by.
The Chief: (his face has returned to the screen)
Okay, that I can live with.
Mike
This hair, I cannot.
(The Chief names various caves, the last being
the Lacoax.)
Mike
This is all French to me.
Zack: Wait a minute! The Peseta!
(Shot of Peseta with dippy scribblings. One
is of some guy.)
Crow
I guess Spain has a goofy characture president.
Ivy's voice: It's says "Let's go cave!"
(Camera returns to the detectives.)
Zack: But it didn't mean, "Let's go cave-"
Ivy: It meant "Lacoax Cave."
Zack: So then let's go to Lacoax!
Tom (Butt-head)
Huh-huh, he made a funny.
Book it Player!
(Shot of inside Lacoax Cave. On Screen Carmen is
standing near the far cave wall. Three nameless henchmen
are around her- one with a camera, one with a
microphone, and one with a spotlight.)
On Screen Carmen: Now I will reveal my masterpiece to the
world
Mike
Which wouldn't be my acting.
and put away forever in my private art museum.
(The C-5 corridor opens.)
Mike
Sliders...
Tom
...on Sci-fi.
Crow
DON'T CANCEL US!!!
(The detectives exit the corridor and hide behind a
nearby rock.)
Zack: (whispering) Look, it's Carmen! Let's get her!
Ivy: Take it easy, Zack. We can't take on all those henchmen
single-handedly, but with this marker (pulls a marker out of her
jacket) and those bats (looks up and sees the bats) we might just
get through this.
Mike
Sure, MacGyver.
(Shot of the painted cows and bulls.)
Mike and the 'bots
MOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Ivy: Let's do it!
(Ivy jumps out from behind the rock and pulls the
spotlight up to shine on the bats on the cave's ceiling.)
Crow
The bat signal!
(The bats begin to fly down towards the henchmen.)
Mike and the 'bots (hum "Cyclone")
On Screen Carmen: Remove these bats- immediately!
Crow
I'll get you my pretty!!
(Bats begins to fly right at Toriste and the nameless
henchmen.)
Mike
The sequel to "The Birds" - "The Bats."
One Henchman: Get outta here! (swings microphone
at the bats, and misses. Instead, he hits the
spotlight and knocks it to the ground.)
Mike
Pete Townsend makes a movie.
(The spotlight bursts into flames and the flames ignite
nearby wires.)
Mike and the 'bots (hum the "Mission: Impossible" theme)
(Camera shifts to On Screen Carmen.)
On Screen Carmen: Toriste, get my masterpiece. (walks through
the smoke around her and disappears.)
(Camera shifts to Toriste who dashes up to the painting, which
is covered by a white sheet.)
Toriste: (as he grabs the painting) Heh-heh. (dashes off camera)
Tom (Butt-head)
Painting, cool.
(Camera shifts to Zack and Ivy, who dive for the ground as smoke
surrounds them.)
Crow
Stop, drop and roll!
(The detectives dash through the smoke and outside, coughing all
the way. They see On Screen Carmen's hovercraft take off in the
distance. Scene then shifts to the cockpit of the hovercraft
where On Screen Carmen, Toriste and two henchmen are. Toriste
and On Screen Carmen are seated on chairs raised above the
two henchmen, who appear to be piloting the vehicle.)
On Screen Carmen: Those detectives have only managed to delay
the moment when I'll reveal my masterpiece to the world.
Mike
Dialogue you could drive a truck through.
Toriste: (patting the painting) Yes, I got it right here, Carmen.
Crow (Toriste)
I like to whack off with my painting.
(Camera shifts to Zack and Ivy who seem to be standing proudly.)
Ivy: Well, I guess we showed Carmen this time.
Tom (Zack)
All's swell that ends swell!
Zack: Did you do something horribly ingenious?
(Shot of Toriste, who is pulling the sheet off to
look at the painting. When he pulls the sheet off,
it reveals a canvas depicting stick figures of Zack and
Ivy.)
Toriste: What?!
Mike (finishing)
...the HELL is that?
Ivy: I did a little "art work" of my own.
(smiles) She shoots-
Zack: She scores!
Tom (Butt-head)
He said score.
(The detectives high-five each other.)
Ivy: I guess we do make a pretty good
team.
Zack: Aw, you can log me in anytime as your
partner si...I mean...Ivy.
Mike
Just avoided an asskicking there.
Ivy: Thanks Zack. Now, let's retrace our
steps and restore three masterpieces.
(Zack and Ivy walk off towards the horizon. The
camera then shifts to the Player's room.)
(Text appears on the Player's computer screen.)
On Screen Carmen's voice: (narrating the text) I
stole some of the greatest art in the world.
Tom
Yippie.
Player: (types the following as he says it) But I got
it back.
Crow
Good for you.
On Screen Carmen's voice: (narrating the text that
appears on the screen) Next time, you might not
be so lucky.
Player: (types the following as he says it) Next time,
I may just catch you.
Crow
Next time, I may say something witty.
On Screen Carmen's voice: (narrating the text that
appears on the screen) Until then, Player....
Tom
Keep typing.
(Show logo appears on the Player's screen. Fade out.)
(End credits begin with a horrid rendition of the theme
song.)
All
AAAAAAAAAAH!
Crow
Who'd they get, an epileptic choir?!
Mike
Let's get outta here.
(Tom hops into Mike's arms. He then turns towards Carmen.)
Tom
Carmen, it's over now...
(Carmen gets out from underneath her seat. Crow exits
the theater first, followed by Mike and Tom. Carmen
follows them out of the theater.)
(Theater doors close behind them. Fade in to Carmen and
the 'bots on the SOL bridge. Crow and Tom are simply
glaring at Carmen. Carmen sighs.)
Tom: Okay, care to explain that little number?
Crow: It made no sense! C'mon! I mean, those
paintings together....it would look so...man...I
can't even think what it would look like!
Carmen: Now can you see why I was so ashamed of
watching myself?
Tom: Yeah!
(Mike enters.)
Mike: Oh c'mon, you're not going to harass Carmen now?
Crow: And why shouldn't we? We all had to sit through that
lameass display.
Mike: And who hurt the most after that experience?
Crow and Tom: Carmen.
Mike: Right.
Crow: (growls) Okay, Nelson. You got a point there.
Tom: So?
Crow: (to Tom) Huh?
Tom: Oh no, we're not letting her get off that easily!
Mike: Tom, c'mon, knock it off.
Tom: No way, man.
Mike: What if I found some embarrassing footage of you, huh?
What if I forced you to watch that and then decided to make fun
of you afterwards, huh?
Tom: Like what?
Mike: (thinks) Well...I'm sure I could easily find something...
Crow: I know! I know! One time Tom had me paint him peach so
he'd look like a real boy and-
Tom: That was just a phase!
Mike: Huh?
Crow: This was years ago...back when Joel was here.
Mike: Really...hmm...perhaps Cambot has footage of that
stored away somewhere...
Tom: You wouldn't dare try to find it!
Mike: Well...
Tom: (growls) Okay, okay, I get it. We all have our bad days.
I'll lay off.
Mike: Good.
Carmen: Thanks Mike.
Mike: You're welcome. (looks at Carmen somewhat oddly) I kinda
figured though...you'd, kinda, say something on your behalf in
there...
Carmen: Well, if I was allowed a word in there, I would have.
But you actually brought my points across anyway.
Mike: Oh good.
Carmen: (yawns) I feel rather tired...
Mike: Well, you could sleep in my room (quickly adds) I mean,
I'd sleep out here and you could have my room.
Crow: (snickers) Geez Mike, you are so ready for rejection, you
automatically resign yourself to sleeping on the couch...well,
counter, in this case.
(Carmen gives a quizzical look to Mike.)
Mike: I've...I've had some relationship troubles....
Tom: Some? Heh-heh...
(Crow snickers.)
Carmen: (with a sly look) I don't see why you're so hard on yourself,
or why those robots get such pleasure out of making fun of you.
(puts her hand underneath Mike's chin) I mean, you are rather handsome...
Crow: Handsome?!
Carmen: (looking deep into Mike's eyes) And you have such a sweet
nature...
Tom: Mike?! Sweet?!
Mike: (looking a bit bashful) I-I...
Carmen: (puts her index finger on his lips) Shh. You don't
need to say anything. (grins at Mike and puts her hands on either
side of his head. She then gives Mike a kiss.)
(Mike's eyes pop out of his head. The robots look disgusted.)
Carmen: What's wrong?
Mike: N-nothing...I just...I just....
Carmen: Oh, stop it. (grins at Mike and goes to kiss him again)
(The robots begin to make gagging noises.)
Carmen: (turns to the robots) If you don't like seeing this,
you can leave.
Tom: She ain't gonna kiss him again.
Crow: If she does, I'm outta here.
Tom: Me too!
Carmen: (grins playfully) Suit yourself, boys. (she
begins to kiss Mike again)
Crow and Tom: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! NOOOOOOOO! (they dash off)
(Carmen watches the robots leave out of the corner of her eye
and then finishes kissing Mike. Mike stares at Carmen for
a moment with a pleased, yet confused expression.)
Mike: (catching his breath) Wow...that was... (takes Carmen
by the hands) I mean...
(Carmen bows her head.)
Mike: (gets crestfallen) Oh...I guess...
Carmen: (still looking downward) I...I shouldn't
have done that. (looks up into Mike's eyes) I mean,
It's not that I totally lied. You are handsome and sweet...I-I
just-
Mike: (sighs) No, I get it. (lets go of her hands and begins to
walk away) I'll go make up the bed now. (begins to exit)
Carmen: Mike...
(Mike turns towards Carmen. Carmen leans against the counter.)
Carmen: Come here.
(Mike leans on the counter next to Carmen with an uncertain
expression on his face.)
Carmen: (with a grin) You gotta admit, that was pretty funny.
Mike: (with a slight smile) We did get them going, huh?
Carmen: (laughs, then look at Mike a bit with seriousness) You're
not upset, are you?
Mike: (grinning and shaking his head) Nah. C'mon, let's call Crow
and Tom back here and have a good laugh at their expense.
Carmen: (smiling) Sure, why not?
Mike: Oh Crow? Tom? Come on back here.
(Tom and Crow return, but look ready to dash back off.)
Mike: (flashing an evil grin) Man, did we have you going! You
fell for that! (laughs)
Carmen: That, I must admit, was too easy.
Tom: Damn, I knew that had to be a setup!
Crow: And we fell for it!
Tom: Why I oughta...
Carmen: Tom?
Tom: Yeah?
Carmen: Bite me.
(Mike and the 'bots gasp.)
Mike: You saying that can only mean one thing...
Carmen: And that is?
Mike: It's official, you're one of us now.
Carmen: (smiles and shakes her head) I guess so....
(smiles again)
(Fade out, MST3K end theme plays.)
Stinger: Toriste Classe grabs the painting, says "Heh-heh"
and dashes off camera.
Written by:
Kevin Farley, Laurie LeBlanc, Derek Snow and Stephanie Beaulieu
(Mike, Carmen and the robots take their respective seats in the theater.)
Zack's voice, answering the posed quiz question: Another name for the
Netherlands is Holland.
Mike
True or False- another name for Holland is the Netherlands.
(The detectives crash into the water.)
Crow
The judges give that a 7.2.
Tom
Damn Russians! Always bringing down the score!
(The detectives get out of the deep water and now are standing in
knee deep water. They are shown soaking wet. The Chief signals
the detectives. The camera then focuses on Zack's communicator.)
Mike
Hey, what time IS it?
Zack: Go ahead, Chief.
(Camera focuses on the Chief.)
The Chief: Hot tip! This just in from Crimenet!
(Pan out that shows the detectives. They now look dry.)
Tom
Hey, they're dry!
(Camera zooms out a bit more and shows the detectives soaking wet.)
Mike
Now they're wet again.
The Chief: Toriste Classe-
Ivy: Was spotted in Amsterdam. (sarcastically)
Thanks for the hot tip, Chief.
The Chief: (his eyes are rolled upwards) Aw, get up on the wrong
side of the web this morning, Charlotte?
Crow
Chief, you could use some Metamucil...
Zack: Player, could you C-5 us to the Van Gogh Museum before Carmen's
trail totally chills?
Tom
Like dude, no promises.
(Scene shifts to inside the museum. A lady dressed in yellow walks down the
hallway. The detectives C-5 inside.)
Ivy: Hi..., we're from the Acme Detective Agency.
Mike and the 'bots
Hi..., we're from the Satellite of Love. Bite us!
Lady (has odd accent): How did you get in herre without me hearring you?
Zack: Dude, don't tax your noggin'. That's why (lifts up his right
leg and points to his foot) they call 'em 'sneakers.'
Mike
(does a rimshot)
(Zack puts his leg down.)
Ivy: What can you tell us about this Van Gogh painting?
Tom
Inquiring Ivy wants to know.
Why would Carmen just steal the eyes?
Lady: Maybee she wanted the eyes beecause they were the most
drraamatic of anee that Van Gogh painted.
Tom (imitating accent) Carmen (quietly to herself)
Oh, maybee you right? Sara Bellum? Is that you?
(The Chief pulls up a file on Van Gogh. A silly drawing of
the artist is shown painting his masterpieces rapidly.)
The Chief: Van Gogh used bold colors and vibrant brush strokes.
Mike
He used LSD.
Crow
And lots of speed.
(Van Gogh paints even more rapidly.)
The Chief: Hey Vinnie, Vinmeister, be careful- you're making me nervous!
Tom (Brooklyn accent)
Yo Vinnie! Stop the painting!
(Camera focuses on the detectives and the Lady.)
Zack: Hey, wasn't Van Gogh the dude who went ballistic and cut off his
own ear?
Lady: He waz a trroubled man, porr Vincennt.
Tom
Aw.
Lady: He sufferred through poverrtee and loneleeness
Crow
He was beaten by a paintbrush as a child!
and only sold one painting in his whole lifetime. (sighs)
Look arround eef you liike, the pollice arre compleetlee
baffled.
Mike
That's cuz they didn't have their doughnuts yet.
(A clanky windup robot toy of Carmen wobbles up to the detectives.)
Robot Carmen Toy: I have the biggest nose, but I might be lyin'.
Tom
The HELL?
Crow
An insult to robots everywhere!
Robot Carmen Toy: I have the biggest nose, but I might be lyin.
(Toy wobbles and smokes.)
Zack: It's a bomb! Duck! (kicks toy off camera)
(Toy explodes.)
Mike
That toy failed every child safety test!
(Camera zooms in on Zack who is ducked down. His butt faces the
audience.)
Tom
Anybody want to 'crack' a joke here?
Carmen (groans)
Ivy: Get up Zack!
(Zack looks up, but his butt still faces the audience.)
Crow
Just what DO you call that position?
Ivy: It's just Carmen taunting us, as usual. Player, access files on
big noses.
(Camera focuses on the Player's hands which are typing rather quickly.)
Crow
I am calling up my Family Tree.
(Camera focuses back on the detectives. A screen appears next to them. Pictures
appear rapidly.)
Crow (commenting on each picture)
Anteater- My aunt.
Elephant- My uncle.
Clown- AAAAH!
Mt. Rushmore- Those are my four big brothers.
Zack: Hey! Mt. Rushmore! (a map of the USA appears in the lower
left hand corner) That's in South Dakota. (South Dakota turns
yellow on the map. The map zooms off the screen.)
Mike and the 'bots (singing)
Cruisin' USA...
The Chief narrates: The faces of Mt. Rushmore took fourteen years to
complete.
Mike
And were built by aliens! Ooh wee ooh!
(Camera zooms in on Lincoln's face. A silly looking drawing of a basketball
player is placed next to them.)
Crow (Forrest Gump)
Mama always said I could play in the NBA...
The Chief: Lincoln was one of our tallest presidents, measuring six foot
eight inches.
Zack: Hmm, could the noses of any of these presidents be the industrial
sized beaks Carmen's after?
Ivy: I have the biggest nose, but I might be lyin'....
Mike
No Ivy, your nose is fine. Really.
None of those presidents were known for lying.
Zack: Cross reference big nose with famous liars.
Tom
Bill Clinton.
Crow Mike
OJ Simpson. Uh, guys?
Tom
Richard Nixon. Guys?
Crow
Leona Helmsley.
Tom
Paula Jones. It's Pinocchio!
(Picture of Pinocchio appears on the screen. The Chief gives an
overview of his story.)
The Chief: Pinocchio's nose would grow when he lied.
Pinocchio: I didn't lie! I was framed, I tell you!
Crow (Edward G. Robinson)
I was framed, see!
(Pinocchio's nose grows.)
Zack: Hang on a sec. Maybe we're picking the wrong noses.
Ivy: Eeew! Zack!
Mike
Our sentiments exactly.
Zack: Cuz, maybe we're picking the wrong lion. Maybe Carmen
meant 'lion,' spelled l-i-o-n. Player, punch up some famous lions.
Tom (Mufasa)
Simba...
(Pictures of lions go by.)
Zack: Stop!
Mike and the 'bots (singing)
In the name of love...
before you take my nose...
(Picture now shows the Sphinx.)
Zack: Look! The Sphinx! It has the head of a man, and a body of
a lion. And, its nose is missing!
Ivy: (odd tone of voice) Yes! Zack!
Crow
This is a kids' show, right?
Zack: C-5 us to Egypt!
(C-5 door is now focused on by the camera.)
Tom
We ought to get doors like that!
(The camera moves a descent speed through the corridor.)
Mike
This is a journey....into your mind.
Crow
Any questions?
(The large screen at the end of the tunnel is now in view.)
Tom
Worship the all mighty movie screen. Bow down and give sacrifice to it.
(The Chief gives an overview of Egypt and the Sphinx. Then, a picture
of the Sphinx is shown with an odd nose. It is highlighted with the words
"Bogus Nose" written next to it.)
Tom
Michael Jackson, 3000 years ago.
Zack: Who gave it the 'bogus nose job,' Chief?
The Chief: No one knows for sure.
Ivy: Some say that ancient armies used to use the Sphinx for target
practice.
(Silly drawn cartoon army appears on the screen. The captain raises
his sword and the canon next to him is fired. The canon ball knocks
off the Sphinx's nose.)
Crow
Michael Jackson- today.
The Chief: That gives new meaning to blowing your nose, huh?
Mike
I'm laughing on the inside.
(C-5 exit rapidly comes into view.)
Crow
Too fast!
The Chief: Next stop, the Great Sphinx!
(Camera shows the Sphinx's face.)
Crow
The creators of this show would like to thank Michael Jackson for his
co-operation.
(C-5 corridor opens up behind a large stone atop the Sphinx. Zack and Ivy
peer around it and notice 3 henchmen with their backs to them.)
Ivy: There's Carmen's henchmen! I don't think they're stealing the
Sphinx at all! This is just a trap! (shakes head violently.)
Tom
Ivy has a seizure.
Zack: Great, we're about to become history on a piece of history!
(Shot of Zack's foot steeping into a crack.)
Crow
Nice shoes.
(Zack trips.)
Mike
Call in the stunt double!
(Zack begins to slide down the side of the Sphinx.)
Ivy: Nice going!
Mike (as Zack is falling)
Bite......me.....!
(The three henchmen charge after Ivy. Ivy kicks the first
henchmen down.)
Crow
La Femme Nikita.
(Ivy tumbles between the second henchman's legs.)
Tom
Xena, Warrior Princess.
(Ivy tires to kick the third henchman but she loses her balance.
She and the henchman fall. The henchman gets a rope attached to the
top of the Sphinx. Ivy misses grabbing the rope and grabs the
henchman's shoe.)
Ivy: Zaaaack!
Mike
Get me a stunt double too!
Zack: Hang on, Ivy! (boards a flying contraption and flies to
the rescue.)
(Camera focuses on Ivy and the henchman. The henchman's pants fall
down, showing the henchman's heart decorated underwear.)
Tom (turning to Carmen)
Do you issue them that underwear?
Carmen
No.....
(Zack flies underneath Ivy and she lands behind him on the
gizmo, holding the henchman's pants. Two henchmen jump onto
similar gizmos and pursue the detectives.)
Crow
To the henchmen mobiles!
Tom
Man, if this were Star Trek, those extras would be dead by now!
Ivy: We can't outrun them!
Zack: Trust me, we can outrun these geekwads on an anorexic
turtle!
Mike
This kid know fifty languages. Is English REALLY one of them?
(First henchman's vehicle blows up.)
Tom
Grandpa tried to program the VCR!
(Second henchman's vehicle malfunctions and crashes.)
Tom
Oh, the microwave too? Can't we have nice things?
(Zack laughs and does a loopy-dee-loop.)
Mike
Maverick....
Ivy: Zack! Where did you learn to drive?
Crow (Zack)
On the bumper cars.
Zack: Hey, the Sahara desert is the largest desert in the world.
With three and a half million square miles of sand, the only thing
I'm hitting is warp speed!
(Ivy reaches into the henchman's pants' pocket.)
Ivy: Hey! Look what that henchman had in his pants' pocket.
Pesetas!
Zack: Yeah and marbles don't float in ketchup. So what?
Tom
Hey Mike, I'd like to try that. Got any ketchup?
Crow
I got a marble!
Ivy: Pesetas are Spanish currency...we're in Egypt!
Zack: So, you think Carmen sent those three stooges from Spain?
Tom (sarcastically)
No!
Ivy: I bet Carmen is there now!
Tom (sarcastically)
No!
Hey, something is written on this one. It's says, 'Let's
Go Cave?'
(Zack reaches for them.)
Mike (Zack)
Let's get bent? Lemme see that!
Zack: Let's go surfing and let's go to the movies, I understand.
But what does 'Let's Go Cave' mean?
(The Chief signals the detectives.)
Zack: Go ahead, Chief.
(The Chief appears right in front of them.)
Tom
Stop...doing...that!
The Chief: Hot tip!
(Detectives scream and crash.)
The Chief: Carmen Sandiego robbed another
museum!
Ivy: (as she is speaking, she is beating sand off
herself at what appears to be breast level.) Don't
tell me- in Spain, right Chief?
Tom
Need a hand Ivy? I could help you.
Mike
Uh, kids' show....
The Chief: She stole the nose from this Picasso
painting.
(The Chief places a picture of the painting on his view
screen.)
Mike and the 'bots (tilt their heads to try to figure out
where the nose is)
Zack: Carmen's stolen a pair of eyes, and a nose from two
paintings. What do you wanna bet she's scoping out a famous
mouth, right about now?
Tom
Fifty cents.
Carmen (stares at Tom)
Ivy: But which mouth?
Zack: (taps Ivy on the head)
Tom (makes knocking sounds each time Zack touches
Ivy's head)
Hello! Do some cerebrum sit-ups, Ivy!
(Zack glides up to Ivy and poses. His hands are
framed around his mouth.)
Mike
Zack's been struck with mime disease.
Zack: Who has the most famous smile in the world?
Ivy: (sighs) Tom Cruise.
All (sing)
Tommy can you hear me?
Zack: No! From a famous painting!
Ivy: Oh Zack, she's after the Mona Lisa! (in a singing sort
of voice) You are a genius!
Zack: I guess I am.
Mike
A moron.
Zack: Now if only I knew where the Mona Lisa was. Player,
some help?
(C-5 appears from above.)
Mike (Kirk)
Scotty, beam us up.
Tom (Scotty)
Capt'n! I canna get the powa!
(The C-5 door is shown.)
The Chief's voice: We're C-5ing you from Egypt to
Paris, France.
Mike
Where they hate Americans.
(The corridor of the C-5 is moving very slowly in this
section.)
Crow (describing what he sees)
Ghandi...,a rocket..., the Bible..., the Pythagorean Theorem...,
Mona Lisa..., Shamu..., Mount Rushmore..., and a yak.
The Chief's voice: Paris is home to many beautiful
artifacts like the Mona Lisa.
Mike (Nat King Cole)
Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa
Men have loved you...
(The C-5 goes to an end. The camera shows the glass pyramid
outside the Louvre.)
Crow
Now they're back in Egypt!
(Shot of the Louvre's main building.)
Tom
That's my house.
Crow
No, it isn't!
Tom
Yes, it is.
(The camera now shows Toriste Classe cutting the glass
around the painting. He then stands up.)
Toriste: Ah! The Mona Lisa!
Mike
Carmen, might I suggest stricter hiring policies?
Carmen (glares at Mike)
(Zack and Ivy C-5 in. Toriste sees Zack first.)
Toriste: What! You!
(Just then Ivy plunks a silver helmet on Toriste that
looks very much like a football helmet.)
Mike (finishing)
Are John Elway! Ready, set, hut!
(Three henchmen run down the hallway and spot the
detectives.)
One henchman: Hold it right there!
Mike
We want John Elway's autograph!
(The detectives run past an odd statue of a centaur
with a twisted support poll between its front and back legs.)
Crow
I call this one, "Screw Up My Crotch."
(Zack and Ivy dash to two empty pillars and pose as statues.)
Mike
Acting.
(The henchmen dash into the room. One stares at Zack. He
giggles and waves. The henchmen dive at the detectives but
fall right on their faces.)
Mike
Not acting.
(Zack and Ivy roll the henchmen up in a large rug.)
Crow
Well, we got this rug to deliver now.
(On screen Carmen stops the rug by placing her foot on it.)
Carmen: I can't watch this. (ducks under her seat)
On screen Carmen: (sporting a scarf across her face) Ah, my
favorite detectives.
(Zack and Ivy are then dragged off two henchmen. The henchmen
place their hands over the detectives' mouths.)
Mike
Thank God! We forgot our lines!
(Fade out.)
Tom (to Carmen)
You can get up now.
The Chief's voice reads the quiz question: The largest desert in
the world has about three and a half million square miles of sand.
Can you name it?
Carmen (gets back up)
Crow
When in doubt, pick 'C.'
Tom
There is no 'C', dummy. Besides, I know the answer.
It's Wisconsin!
Mike and Carmen
Wisconsin?!
Tom
Yeah- it has three and a half square miles of NOTHING!
Mike and Carmen (stare at Tom)
(Fade in.)
The Chief's voice answering the quiz question: The Sahara
desert is the largest desert in the world.
Tom
I still think my answer was more informative.
(Zack and Ivy are trapped in the museum's store room. Zack tries to
pick the lock to the door with a crown.)
Tom
He's getting real familiar with that door...
Ivy: (sarcastically) Pose as statues, they'll never see us!
Zack: Hey, I didn't see you come up with anything better, sis!
(Ivy comes over with a scepter and tries to pry open the door.)
Crow
Oh sure, I always use the priceless Crown Jewels to pry open
my door!
(Ivy grabs onto the chandelier above her.)
Ivy: How many times do I have to tell you? (begins to
swing towards the door) Don't- (kicks door)
Tom
Ow.
Call me (kicks door)
Tom
Ow.
SIS! (kicks door open)
Tom
Big ow!
Zack: Okay, okay, you made your point!
Mike
You have PMS really bad!
Ivy: Good, Zachary. (walks away from her brother)
(Zack is alone for a moment with a huffy expression
on his face.)
Mike and the 'bots (make growling noises)
(Zack exits. Scene shifts to outside a cafe in Paris.
The Eiffel Tower is visible in the background.)
Mike and the 'bots
Phallic symbol!
(Camera pans to show an old man with funny white hair
and a checkered vest drawing the Eiffel Tower on the
sidewalk. Zack and Ivy are standing behind him.)
Tom (Scottish accent)
Leave me alone to draw me phallic symbol.
(The Chief signals the detectives.)
Ivy: Go ahead, Chief.
(The Chief appears on the ground in front of
the old man. The man's eyes open wide.)
Tom (Scottish accent)
Oh me heart!
The Chief: Hot tip! Carmen Sandiego has just
stolen the airwaves for the entire world!
Don't ask me how she did it.
(The Chief appears on a multitude of screens.)
Crow
Fifty-seven channels and still nothing's on.
The Chief: Here's Carmen!
Carmen (ducks under her seat)
On Screen Carmen: I've proven myself to be the
world's greatest thief, time after time.
Tom
Greatest actress, no.
Ivy: (notices something on the screen) Look
at that- (points towards televisions and it appears
her finger is in Zack's nostril.)
Tom
You had a booger.
on the screen behind Carmen!
(The camera zooms in to the wall behind the
On Screen Carmen. There are many ancient
animals painted on it looking like cows and bulls.)
Mike and the 'bots: MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Crow
Got milk?
Zack: Where is that cave Carmen's beaming from?
The Chief: That cave? That particular cave? Zack
buddy, there are paintings like that (his screen
shows the cave painting again)
Mike and the 'bots: MOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
in caves all over the world!
(Camera shifts to the detectives.)
Ivy: But Chief, Carmen was just in France and she
should be somewhere close by.
The Chief: (his face has returned to the screen)
Okay, that I can live with.
Mike
This hair, I cannot.
(The Chief names various caves, the last being
the Lacoax.)
Mike
This is all French to me.
Zack: Wait a minute! The Peseta!
(Shot of Peseta with dippy scribblings. One
is of some guy.)
Crow
I guess Spain has a goofy characture president.
Ivy's voice: It's says "Let's go cave!"
(Camera returns to the detectives.)
Zack: But it didn't mean, "Let's go cave-"
Ivy: It meant "Lacoax Cave."
Zack: So then let's go to Lacoax!
Tom (Butt-head)
Huh-huh, he made a funny.
Book it Player!
(Shot of inside Lacoax Cave. On Screen Carmen is
standing near the far cave wall. Three nameless henchmen
are around her- one with a camera, one with a
microphone, and one with a spotlight.)
On Screen Carmen: Now I will reveal my masterpiece to the
world
Mike
Which wouldn't be my acting.
and put away forever in my private art museum.
(The C-5 corridor opens.)
Mike
Sliders...
Tom
...on Sci-fi.
Crow
DON'T CANCEL US!!!
(The detectives exit the corridor and hide behind a
nearby rock.)
Zack: (whispering) Look, it's Carmen! Let's get her!
Ivy: Take it easy, Zack. We can't take on all those henchmen
single-handedly, but with this marker (pulls a marker out of her
jacket) and those bats (looks up and sees the bats) we might just
get through this.
Mike
Sure, MacGyver.
(Shot of the painted cows and bulls.)
Mike and the 'bots
MOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Ivy: Let's do it!
(Ivy jumps out from behind the rock and pulls the
spotlight up to shine on the bats on the cave's ceiling.)
Crow
The bat signal!
(The bats begin to fly down towards the henchmen.)
Mike and the 'bots (hum "Cyclone")
On Screen Carmen: Remove these bats- immediately!
Crow
I'll get you my pretty!!
(Bats begins to fly right at Toriste and the nameless
henchmen.)
Mike
The sequel to "The Birds" - "The Bats."
One Henchman: Get outta here! (swings microphone
at the bats, and misses. Instead, he hits the
spotlight and knocks it to the ground.)
Mike
Pete Townsend makes a movie.
(The spotlight bursts into flames and the flames ignite
nearby wires.)
Mike and the 'bots (hum the "Mission: Impossible" theme)
(Camera shifts to On Screen Carmen.)
On Screen Carmen: Toriste, get my masterpiece. (walks through
the smoke around her and disappears.)
(Camera shifts to Toriste who dashes up to the painting, which
is covered by a white sheet.)
Toriste: (as he grabs the painting) Heh-heh. (dashes off camera)
Tom (Butt-head)
Painting, cool.
(Camera shifts to Zack and Ivy, who dive for the ground as smoke
surrounds them.)
Crow
Stop, drop and roll!
(The detectives dash through the smoke and outside, coughing all
the way. They see On Screen Carmen's hovercraft take off in the
distance. Scene then shifts to the cockpit of the hovercraft
where On Screen Carmen, Toriste and two henchmen are. Toriste
and On Screen Carmen are seated on chairs raised above the
two henchmen, who appear to be piloting the vehicle.)
On Screen Carmen: Those detectives have only managed to delay
the moment when I'll reveal my masterpiece to the world.
Mike
Dialogue you could drive a truck through.
Toriste: (patting the painting) Yes, I got it right here, Carmen.
Crow (Toriste)
I like to whack off with my painting.
(Camera shifts to Zack and Ivy who seem to be standing proudly.)
Ivy: Well, I guess we showed Carmen this time.
Tom (Zack)
All's swell that ends swell!
Zack: Did you do something horribly ingenious?
(Shot of Toriste, who is pulling the sheet off to
look at the painting. When he pulls the sheet off,
it reveals a canvas depicting stick figures of Zack and
Ivy.)
Toriste: What?!
Mike (finishing)
...the HELL is that?
Ivy: I did a little "art work" of my own.
(smiles) She shoots-
Zack: She scores!
Tom (Butt-head)
He said score.
(The detectives high-five each other.)
Ivy: I guess we do make a pretty good
team.
Zack: Aw, you can log me in anytime as your
partner si...I mean...Ivy.
Mike
Just avoided an asskicking there.
Ivy: Thanks Zack. Now, let's retrace our
steps and restore three masterpieces.
(Zack and Ivy walk off towards the horizon. The
camera then shifts to the Player's room.)
(Text appears on the Player's computer screen.)
On Screen Carmen's voice: (narrating the text) I
stole some of the greatest art in the world.
Tom
Yippie.
Player: (types the following as he says it) But I got
it back.
Crow
Good for you.
On Screen Carmen's voice: (narrating the text that
appears on the screen) Next time, you might not
be so lucky.
Player: (types the following as he says it) Next time,
I may just catch you.
Crow
Next time, I may say something witty.
On Screen Carmen's voice: (narrating the text that
appears on the screen) Until then, Player....
Tom
Keep typing.
(Show logo appears on the Player's screen. Fade out.)
(End credits begin with a horrid rendition of the theme
song.)
All
AAAAAAAAAAH!
Crow
Who'd they get, an epileptic choir?!
Mike
Let's get outta here.
(Tom hops into Mike's arms. He then turns towards Carmen.)
Tom
Carmen, it's over now...
(Carmen gets out from underneath her seat. Crow exits
the theater first, followed by Mike and Tom. Carmen
follows them out of the theater.)
(Theater doors close behind them. Fade in to Carmen and
the 'bots on the SOL bridge. Crow and Tom are simply
glaring at Carmen. Carmen sighs.)
Tom: Okay, care to explain that little number?
Crow: It made no sense! C'mon! I mean, those
paintings together....it would look so...man...I
can't even think what it would look like!
Carmen: Now can you see why I was so ashamed of
watching myself?
Tom: Yeah!
(Mike enters.)
Mike: Oh c'mon, you're not going to harass Carmen now?
Crow: And why shouldn't we? We all had to sit through that
lameass display.
Mike: And who hurt the most after that experience?
Crow and Tom: Carmen.
Mike: Right.
Crow: (growls) Okay, Nelson. You got a point there.
Tom: So?
Crow: (to Tom) Huh?
Tom: Oh no, we're not letting her get off that easily!
Mike: Tom, c'mon, knock it off.
Tom: No way, man.
Mike: What if I found some embarrassing footage of you, huh?
What if I forced you to watch that and then decided to make fun
of you afterwards, huh?
Tom: Like what?
Mike: (thinks) Well...I'm sure I could easily find something...
Crow: I know! I know! One time Tom had me paint him peach so
he'd look like a real boy and-
Tom: That was just a phase!
Mike: Huh?
Crow: This was years ago...back when Joel was here.
Mike: Really...hmm...perhaps Cambot has footage of that
stored away somewhere...
Tom: You wouldn't dare try to find it!
Mike: Well...
Tom: (growls) Okay, okay, I get it. We all have our bad days.
I'll lay off.
Mike: Good.
Carmen: Thanks Mike.
Mike: You're welcome. (looks at Carmen somewhat oddly) I kinda
figured though...you'd, kinda, say something on your behalf in
there...
Carmen: Well, if I was allowed a word in there, I would have.
But you actually brought my points across anyway.
Mike: Oh good.
Carmen: (yawns) I feel rather tired...
Mike: Well, you could sleep in my room (quickly adds) I mean,
I'd sleep out here and you could have my room.
Crow: (snickers) Geez Mike, you are so ready for rejection, you
automatically resign yourself to sleeping on the couch...well,
counter, in this case.
(Carmen gives a quizzical look to Mike.)
Mike: I've...I've had some relationship troubles....
Tom: Some? Heh-heh...
(Crow snickers.)
Carmen: (with a sly look) I don't see why you're so hard on yourself,
or why those robots get such pleasure out of making fun of you.
(puts her hand underneath Mike's chin) I mean, you are rather handsome...
Crow: Handsome?!
Carmen: (looking deep into Mike's eyes) And you have such a sweet
nature...
Tom: Mike?! Sweet?!
Mike: (looking a bit bashful) I-I...
Carmen: (puts her index finger on his lips) Shh. You don't
need to say anything. (grins at Mike and puts her hands on either
side of his head. She then gives Mike a kiss.)
(Mike's eyes pop out of his head. The robots look disgusted.)
Carmen: What's wrong?
Mike: N-nothing...I just...I just....
Carmen: Oh, stop it. (grins at Mike and goes to kiss him again)
(The robots begin to make gagging noises.)
Carmen: (turns to the robots) If you don't like seeing this,
you can leave.
Tom: She ain't gonna kiss him again.
Crow: If she does, I'm outta here.
Tom: Me too!
Carmen: (grins playfully) Suit yourself, boys. (she
begins to kiss Mike again)
Crow and Tom: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! NOOOOOOOO! (they dash off)
(Carmen watches the robots leave out of the corner of her eye
and then finishes kissing Mike. Mike stares at Carmen for
a moment with a pleased, yet confused expression.)
Mike: (catching his breath) Wow...that was... (takes Carmen
by the hands) I mean...
(Carmen bows her head.)
Mike: (gets crestfallen) Oh...I guess...
Carmen: (still looking downward) I...I shouldn't
have done that. (looks up into Mike's eyes) I mean,
It's not that I totally lied. You are handsome and sweet...I-I
just-
Mike: (sighs) No, I get it. (lets go of her hands and begins to
walk away) I'll go make up the bed now. (begins to exit)
Carmen: Mike...
(Mike turns towards Carmen. Carmen leans against the counter.)
Carmen: Come here.
(Mike leans on the counter next to Carmen with an uncertain
expression on his face.)
Carmen: (with a grin) You gotta admit, that was pretty funny.
Mike: (with a slight smile) We did get them going, huh?
Carmen: (laughs, then look at Mike a bit with seriousness) You're
not upset, are you?
Mike: (grinning and shaking his head) Nah. C'mon, let's call Crow
and Tom back here and have a good laugh at their expense.
Carmen: (smiling) Sure, why not?
Mike: Oh Crow? Tom? Come on back here.
(Tom and Crow return, but look ready to dash back off.)
Mike: (flashing an evil grin) Man, did we have you going! You
fell for that! (laughs)
Carmen: That, I must admit, was too easy.
Tom: Damn, I knew that had to be a setup!
Crow: And we fell for it!
Tom: Why I oughta...
Carmen: Tom?
Tom: Yeah?
Carmen: Bite me.
(Mike and the 'bots gasp.)
Mike: You saying that can only mean one thing...
Carmen: And that is?
Mike: It's official, you're one of us now.
Carmen: (smiles and shakes her head) I guess so....
(smiles again)
(Fade out, MST3K end theme plays.)
Stinger: Toriste Classe grabs the painting, says "Heh-heh"
and dashes off camera.