disclaimer: I'm not talented enough to own this.
Part Four: Crushed Hearts
There was a marvelous feast on Halloween. By the end of the night Ron proclaimed that he wouldn't be eating for a week. Harry felt the same way. But that was only one night. Many nights had past before this one had finally come.
It was early December. That was how long it had taken Harry to make a full proof plan to get his map back (he had never retrieved it after lending it to fake-Moody fourth year). Of course, the six weeks had not simply been spent in planning. First Harry had to make sure Flinch hadn't gotten hold of the map, then he had to figure out which spells professor Morryson put over his office door. That had been difficult. They were all advanced spells. Harry and Gretchen had been able to figure out which one they were and how to brake them, though, and now they were going on a midnight quest to retrieve the marauder's map.
"You're stepping on my foot," Gretchen moaned from under the invisibility cloak.
"Sorry," Harry mumbled. "Quiet."
"Harry, look," Gretchen whispered. "His office lights are on. He's inside."
"How will we get inside?"
"Hmm...," Gretchen made a loud sound as she bumped into all wall. Professors McGonagall and Morryson emerged from the Defense Against Dark Arts teacher's office, both mutter about troublesome students. Harry and Gretchen ran into the office throwing off the cloak.
"Were's the map," Gretchen asked.
"I don't know. I haven't seen it, but I know it's here," Harry shouted. He heard the two coming back in. "Hurry."
"Accio Marauder's Map," Gretchen said. The map flew out from under the desk into her hand. "See there's a reason I came after all." The door opened. The two professors started to walk in. Harry and Gretchen both dived under the desk. They made themselves as small as possible. Harry could see the two professors walking across the room, making small talk. They were coming towards the desk. Harry didn't want to see what happened next. He jammed his eyes hut and turned his head.
The world seemed to fade away.
Harry felt warm. Everything seemed....he couldn't find the right word. He was going to say safe, but that wasn't it. He was aware more then ever that Voldemort was free and that Gretchen's mother wanted to kill her. But that didn't seem to matter much with this warm feeling. No, it did matter. It mattered a lot. But...Everything was peaceful. Things were the way they were, but that was OK. Harry felt so warm. Then it stopped.
"Allow me to kiss you goodnight, my good professor," someone above him said.
"Who am I to deny such a gentleman?"
"Goodnight, Minerva."
"Good night, Magnus." The two left the room. Harry waited a few moments, then opened his eyes. Gretchen was staring at him, looking horrified.
"You kissed me," she said.
"You kiss me," Harry countered. She looked at him for a moment, bewildered, the slipped out from under the desk. Harry followed her. He grabbed the cloak and threw it over them. "Come on, lets hurry before Morryson comes to lock up."
They started walking. "They're dating, you know. McGonagall and Morryson," She commented. Harry told her to be quiet, and kept on walking. He didn't want to think about McGonagall and Morryson. He just wanted his map. He wanted to have not kissed Gretchen. But that was impossible. He had kissed her.
He had betrayed Mandy.
Why did something so wrong feel so right?
You can always brake up with Mandy, a voice inside of him said. But could he? Harry loved Mandy. Or did he? Well, it didn't matter either was because he didn't love Gretchen and it wouln't be worth braking up with someone so nice because of someone he didn't even love. But of he didn't love her why was he so scared?
Harry was starting to wish that he didn't have a girl friend. Love was way too complicated, especially when you weren't quite sure that you were in love to begin with. And when you were in love with two people.
No, Harry insisted to himself, you are not in love with Gretchen. He loved her as a friend, a best friend. A friend who talked with him in the middle of the night and went on silly quests to find maps. She was a friend. He loved her as a friend.
Harry didn't even say good night to Gretchen when then arrived in the common room. He just took the map and the cloak and ran to his bed. He couldn't fall in love with Gretchen after one accidental kiss. But he already loved her. As a friend. But what of he loved her more then a friend? What if Mandy had been right in getting suspicious about them?
Harry left his bed and walked into the bath room. He looked into he mirror. "Dumbledore said me had a bond," he mused, "so that was why the kiss was so magical. Because it really was made form magic. It wasn't real. It wasn't real at all." Harry nodded. That sounded logical. But still, as long as he was arguing with himself.....
"What's so bad about loving her?" he asked himself, realizing that something about this was making him feel excited. "She's kind. She understands me. She really doesn't care about that fact that I'm the famous Harry Potter, she cares about me. She so smart. I could talk to her forever if I wanted to. So what's so bad about all this? I'm only sixteen years old. If I brake up with Mandy and try to get Gretchen to love me then what would be so horrible? I'd have the rest of my life to make things right again if nothing worked."
Harry noticed that he was still holding the map. He looked at it. The dot labeled Gretchen locus was in bed in the girls dormitory. There were little z.z.z above it, meaning that she was asleep. Did that mean that none of this bothered her? That she really didn't care about the kiss because she didn't care about him?
Harry looked in the mirror. "It was a kiss made of magic," he said gloomily. "It was an illusion." He could hear the depression in his own voice and feel disappear at the pit of his stomach. Harry suddenly realized that he did love Gretchen. He had loved her for a long time. How long had he been in love with her?
Well, he thought, he had loved her last year when she had been willing to risk her life, to die, for him, because he followed her. He had loved her Christmas that year, when he had sent her a box of candies, but he had never really expected anything from her. He walked into his room and pulled something out from under his bed: the stones she had given him. It had two engravings on it, one symbol meant health, the other happiness. If it meant happiness, then why did looking at it make Harry feel so sad?
Had he loved her when she gave these to him? When she was there when he needed her? Maybe it had been before then, when he woke her up in the middle of the night for the first time. She had realized then that they were the same somehow, though she had had no idea that they were connected.....some how. She had still known. Had he known? Had he loved her? He remembered smiling at her on the Hogwarts express, even though she couldn't see. Had he loved her then?
Maybe he had just loved her forever. He just loved her. He wanted to laugh because he loved her so much. He wanted to laugh at the idiot he had been. He had loved her forever and never even known. He looked at the map again. She was still sleeping. She didn't seem to love him. Then again, he had never asked her if she loved him, considering this was the first moment he had ever let himself love her, but that didn't seem to matter. Something inside him told him that if she loved him, she would be troubled and awake, waiting for him.
Harry sighed. He'd talk with Ron in the morning. Harry needed some sleep.
Harry woke up feeling tired. It had done little to clear his thoughts. He was still confused. So confused that he decided not to bother. If Gretchen didn't love him, what was the point of ending a good relationship with Mandy?
Harry was one of the first people to get to the breakfast hall. He took a seat next to Ron, who was reading a letter. "My mum wants you, Gretchen, and Hermione to come over for Christmas," he reported. "Do you want to come, Harry?"
"Sure," he replied, thinking of Weasley's cooking. That cheered him up a little bit. The Weasleys had become Harry's family. Ron was more then his best friend, he was his brother. Just as his father and Sirius had been. Harry was proud that he and Ron had such a strong friendship, even if Harry had doubted it all summer.
"So, how's Lavender?" Harry asked.
"We broke up," Ron said, turning pink. "While you were at Quiddich practice last night. It turns out she and Justin, from the Hufflepuff house have been seeing each other for a week or something."
"Oh," Harry said. "Love's too complicated."
"Tell me about it," Ron said.
"I mean you think you have something special and then boom it's gone. And you realize that what you have isn't really special at all, but what you could have had is," Harry complained. Ron looked at him strangely.
"What are you talking about?" he asked. Harry sighed.
"Nothing that matters," he assured Ron as Hermione and Gretchen came to the table, giggling about something. They were talking about Hermione's date with Terry, her boyfriend.
"Oh, I'm starting to miss having a boy of my own," Gretchen said as she sat down. "Ron, you and Lavender broke up. Wanna go out?"
"No thanks," Ron said. "I don't ever want to fall in love again. Oh, Gretchen, Hermione, my mum's invited you guys and Harry over for Christmas. You wanna come?" Both girls said yes. Harry smiled and said that was great, even though he never really wanted to see Gretchen again.
"Harry, what happened to your hand?" Gretchen asked. Harry looked at it. He had cut it during Quiddich practice the night before. He told her that. "Ohh, that's horrible." She took his hand and kissed it. "Does it feel better, now?"
"Loads," Harry said. He grinned as Gretchen giggled. He had no intention of ever washing his hand again. Hedwig came with a bunch of owls to the table, dropping at letter on Harry's lap. As Hedwig nibbled on a bit of toast, he read the letter. "It's from Sirius," he whispered. "He says that everything's going well, and that he hopes we're having a nice winter." Harry shivered to Gretchen, who was sitting next to him, so that only she could hear. "He wants to meet us during our next Hogsmede visit. Alone."
"Telling secrets are you, Harry?" said a voice behind him. It was Mandy.
"Yep," he said jokingly.
"Oh," she said fercly. "Well, maybe I'll leave then."
"Relax, Mandy. I was just kidding," Harry said. "There's no need to get suspisious of anything. It's not like I'm in love with her or anything."
"Of course not, Harry. I-I guess I just get worried," Mandy said.
"Why do you get worried, anyway?" Harry asked. Mandy was silent.
"Because I.....," her vioce trailed off. "I need to talk to you, Harry. Come walk with me." Harry nodded and the two started walking off. Mandy looked scared. "The truth is, Harry, I did something dumb. I kissed Justin Findly-fetch, the Hufflepuff perfect, near the bginning of the school year. I felt really bad about it, and I got scared that you'd find out and that you wouldn't love me anymore. Well, you started spending a lot of your time with Gretchen Locus, and I got worried. Eveyone says that she loves you..."
"No, Gretchen doesn't love me," Harry interupted.
"I know. I was just so worried and so scared. I needed to know you loved me, and I got suspisious." Harry nodded.
"What would you do if I didn't love you?" he asked.
"I don't know."
"Do you love someone else? Anyone else?"
"No, Harry, I don't think I do," Mandy said. "You're the first boy I've ver gone out with. I really lik you."
"I really like you, too, Mandy, but I don't think I love you. And I don't think that you love me."
"Harry," Mandy said, her vioce almost afreid. "What are you syaing? Are you braking up with me?"
"I don't know. It's just that, if I don't love you, andyou don'y love me, then what's the point?" Harry put his hand in his pocket and stroked the small stone with his fingers. He coulod do this. He could. "Even if I date you for a long time, I don't think I'll love you. There are things I'm scared to tell you. Things that really don't even matter to anyone but me. I just couldn't tell you about them."
"I know, Harry. I suppose there are things that I can't tell you either," she said. She turned away from him, looking at the empty cooridor. "I suppose this is the end."
"I suppose so." Mandy turned around and extended her hand.
"Good luck Harry Potter," she said. Harry took her hand.
"Good luck Mandy Blocklehurst." They shock hands. Mandy leaned in to kiss him, but Harry shock his head. "No," he whispered. He took her hand and kissed it. "From now on we're just freinds." Harry let go of her hand and walked away.
"I can't believe that you broke up," Hermione said while they were in the common room later that day. "You two were the perfect couple."
"There's no such thing as a perfect couple," Harry said. Hermione shrugged.
"I have to go talk with Terry. He said he had a surprise for me," she said. "I hope that Ron's detention isn't too horrible. I can't bel;ieve that he was fighting with Malfoy alone. Why didn't her tell us?"
"Who knows. I just hope Snape doesn't murder him or anything. Well, don't keep Terry waiting," Harry said. Hermione smiled and left. "Why does love get to be so easy for her. It's not fair," Harry said as Hemrione left.
"I know. But really, she won't be staying with hiom for long," said Gretchen as she took the shair next to his.
"Why not?"
"Becasue she really doesn't love Terry. She finds him intelectually stimulating, and kind, but she doesn't love him. Not really. Then you add in the fatc that someone loves her and boom, it's like and unstable valcano. Soon it will be forced to errupt," Gretchen explained.
"Who loves her?"
"Who do you think? Ron. I know he hasn't said anything, but you can tell. I mean, think about it. Ron sits by her everyday during meals, and he always volenteers to do perfetc stuff with her, even when she doesn't need help. And she never objects."
"I sit by you during meals, and do things with you and you never stop me. Does that mean we love eachother?" Harry asked without thinking. Grtechen looked at him. She was clearly surprised by the question.
"I suppsoe we know eachother too well to fall in love," she said.
"So you felt nothing when we, you know, kissed?" he asked.
"Of course I felt something. It was a magical kiss. It make me feel like I was waking on air in a...a peaceful place. But it wasn't real," she said. After a few seconds she added, "was it?"
"I suppose not," Harry said. Gretchen looked at him. He looked at her. She looked worried, confused, helpless. Harry wanted to be her hero, to make her smile. "But it could be."
"No, Harry. It's not real," she said forcefully. "Espiecally not now, when you've just broken up with Mandy. Whatever you seem to see, whatever you think yousee, it isn't real. It's just there becauser you're lonely."
"I don't see anything," Harry lied. "I just thought you did."
"Well I don't."
"Then we have nothing to worry about," Harry said.
"No we don't."
Harry woke up early one morning during Christmas brake. His scare hurt. He was safe in Ron's room, yet he knew that something was wrong. "Ron, wake up," he said. The red head rolled over.
"Go back to sleep," he said.
"I'm serious. Something's wronge."
"Go to sleep." Harry roled his eyes and clkimbed out of bed, instinctivily headed towards Ginny's room.
"Don't bother going in there, Harry. I already woke up," Gretchen said. She was standing on the stairs, waiting for him. "My mother was loud this morning."
"I see," Harry said. "Do you know hwat happened?"
"No. Do you?"
"No."
"Should we wake Mrs.Weasley?" Gretchen asked. Harry shock his head.
"I don't think she would understand," Harry said. "I've never felt like this before. Something horrible happened,. but I don't know what. All I know is that it's....horrible."
Gretchen swolled. "I think...I think someone died, Harry. I think Voldemort killed someone."
"But who?" Harry asked. Gretchen looked at the floor.
"Let's go down stairs, Harry. It's not as early as we think it is. Mrs.Weasley could be cooking now." Harry nodded and they started down the stairs. Mrs.Weasley was indeed cooking when they got to the kitchen. She smiled at them and gave them some eggs before going upstairs to wake the others. Before long everyone was down stairs. Everyone seemed unbaribily cheery. Couldn't they tell that something was wronge? That something was horribly wronge?
There was a knock at the door. "Nigel," Arthur Weasley said as he let a tall, balding man into their home. "What are you doing here? Everyone, this is Nigel Beetleman, from the department of invstication in teh ministry of magic. Nigel, what are you doing here?"
"I'm sorry, Arthur. Voldemort struck agien last night. At the apartments near diagon ally. Twelve poeple were killed. Oh, I'm sorry, Arthur, but Percy and Penelope are dead."