A Cue: And There Was Seven
The Parody Don't Stop Here-wait a minute, yes it does.
Really people, I'm running out of ideas. Who knows what else I might come up with if I come up with something.
Enjoy . . . . If you dare.
*****
(In the aftermath of Lady Une's shooting . . .)
OZ solder: Whoa . . . she's dead . . .
(Suddenly everybody starts jumping up and down, and they're-singing?)
OZ staff: Ding-dong the witch is, the witch is dead, the witch is dead, the witch is dead, ding-dong the wicked witch is dead . . .
*****
(What exactly does Zechz do at home when he stands in front of his mirror . . . ?)
Zechz: (Very conceited tone) I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful . . .
And vogue, and vogue, and vogue . . . strike a pose . . .
*****
One-liners that kinda say it all.
Relena: Ugh! Heero is such a *punk*, I don't *why* I like him.
***
Wufei: I'm very much in touch with my *feminine* side.
***
Duo: You guys really need to be a little more *serious* about the situation.
***
Heero: You can take this mission and shove it!
***
Quatre: And they expect me to apologize . . . .
***
Trowa: Ohmigod, I said too much!
***
Trieze: Curses, foiled again.
*****
(After self-destructing, Trowa's laying on the ground trying to move.)
Trowa: Umm, a lil' help . . . a lil' help please.
*****
(Lady Une comes to work looking very much out of sorts, setting fear into anyone within a mile of her.)
Une: (Slams door) Look, I'm having a bad day and I have PMS: STAY away from me.
Treize: Hey Lady, I need your help with . . .
(Head starts doing those freaky 180-angle spins)
Une: (Demonic voice) GET OUT.
(Treize screams for dear life.)
Une: (Suddenly back to normal) Hey, you scream like a girl. (Laughs her head off.)
*****
(The GW gang are going to save the world tonight as usual-or that's what they tell Katrina Nyle-so they dump the kids off with the cattish spy.)
Relena: Now, now children, be good for your Auntie Katrina and we'll buy you all ice cream.
(The kiddies-Helena Yuy, Han Chang, Katie Barton, Trio Maxwell, Lacy Peacecraft and Lawrence Winner-are all a buzz at the word 'ice cream.')
Kids: Yay!
Helena: Mission accepted.
Trio: I want vanilla!
Han: (Like his dad) Vanilla's for the weak. I want chocolate.
Quatre: Listen to Auntie Kat. We'll be back . . .
(The parents leave after giving hugs and kisses to the little ones and are forced to pay Kat up front.)
Katrina: (Counting the cash) Heh-heh, money. (Straightens up) Don't worry, they'll be safe.
Go have fun *saving the world*.
(The gang walks outside pretending to be sad but as soon as they out of earshot.)
Gang: (Kissing the ground) YES! WE'RE FREEEEEE!
(Back at the Peacecraft Manor, as soon as the door closes those angelic faces turn evil.)
Katrina: Okay, this should be easy. If I can escape death, I can babysit can't I?
Trio: Come on let's play Cowboys & Indians with Auntie Kat!
Lawrence: (Skeptical tone) I don't know guys, she wouldn't like that.
Katie: (In a tiny voice) I wanna play.
Han: Cowboys & Indians are for the weak . . . and girls can't play.
Lacy: Oh really? Come on, the girls will be the Indians, and you males be the cowboys. You play Helena?
Helena: (Like her dad) I will be the perfect Indian, I will eliminate all cowboys before me.
Lacy: (confused) Umm, ok . . . Come on let's go find Auntie Kat!
(The children rally the war cry and go after Katrina.)
(Katrina is in the den looking for the kids who have disappeared for no reason.)
Katrina: Kids! I got "Barney" videos and the "Lion King." Where arrrrrrrreeeeeeee youuuuu?
(Under breath.) Darn brats, they're hiding. (Louder) Come out, come out, where ever you are!
(Suddenly six small bodies attack her . . .)
Katrina: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
(Hours later, when the parents come back from "saving the world.")
Sally: I hope the kids are ok.
Dorothy: They must be in bed. See, I knew we could trust them with a babysitter.
Wufei: Babysitting's for the weak . . . (Getting Sal's evil eye.)
Course I'll never call *my* son that.
(They unlock the door and walk in.)
Quatre: Katrina? Kids? Katrrrrrinnna? Kiddddsss?
Hilde: It's quiet.
Heero: (Suspiciously) A little *too* quiet.
(Suddenly the sound of feet moving is heard.
The parents run to the den to find their children watching Barney-but no Katrina.
They all look like perfect little angels.)
Relena: Kids, where's Auntie Kat?
Kids: (Innocently) We don't know.
Catherine: What did *you do* to Auntie Kat?
Kids: (Sweetly) *Nothing*.
Heero: Find her.
(After a long, exhaustive search they hear a whinnying sound, they throw the closet open to find.)
Gang: Katrina?!?
(Katrina is tied and gagged, trying furiously to get free.)
Katrina: Mmmmmmmm, mmmmmmmm, mmmmmmmm!
Hilde: Duo, take the freakin' gag off. (Smakcs him.)
Duo: Ouch! Oh yeah! (Removes the gag.)
Katrina: (Caching breath) Your children . . . are EVIL.
Trowa: Shouldn't we untie her?
Katrina: Hey, get me lose! I want $20 bucks extra for my pain and suffering!
Heero: Nawwww . . . Maybe we should leave her. I figured she would end up like that someday.
Gang: (Shrug) Ok.
Katrina: What!!! No way, no freakin' way are you gonna leave here! Look what you demon spawn did to me!
(They place the gag back over her mouth.)
*****
(The whole G-Gang-the pilots, the girls, Zechz, Noin, Une, and Treize are sitting around in an old style living room of some sorts, doing the old-spook-mansion-Clue-type deal. Then Relena runs with some startling accusation.)
Relena: (Dramatic like point) Somebody in this room . . . (dramatic pause w/ music) is a murderer!
(Everyone lets out a gasp.)
Heero: (Intrigued by this notion, rubs chins.) R-e-a-l-l-y? I *never* knew that . . .
Noin: (Confused) Umm, would've that be all of us?
Group: (It's them like a ton of bricks) Oh yeah, that's right.
Wufei: You baka! That's the *obvious.*
Duo: (Sarcasticly) Yeah, Relena, take you pick.
Catherine: (Smugly) Well *I* didn't kill anybody.
(Duo suddenly starts bugging the hell out of her for being so innocence.)
I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE!
(Starts strangling him 'til he passes out. The boy doesn't move thereafter.)
Trowa: He's-dead.
Treize: (With a smile) Well, you just did now.
*****
You figure it would never happen, you told yourself 'no way', you thought it wouldn't be.
But it did . . . .
Gundam Springer . . . .
The Highlights.
(Audience began clapping as Jerry Springer graces the stage.)
Jerry: Hello everyone and welcome to the Jerry springer.
Today's show is called "I Have Something To Say." (Audience claps.)
Our first guest is Relena Peacecraft whose here to tell us how great her boyfriend is. (Audience awws) So Relena, what about him?
Relena: (With love in her eyes) Like ohmigod, he is the sweetest guy in the world.
He gave me a teddy bear for my birthday. (Audience awws again)
Jerry: Well, let's bring Heero out.
(Audience claps as the Perfect Solder graces the stage and plants a kiss on her cheek.)
Jerry: So Heero, anything you would like to say?
Heero: (Turns to Relena, really suave) Girl, you know I love you . . .
(Audiences awws yet once more.)
Heero: (Then adds) But there's someone else. (Audiences oohs this time)
Relena: (Shocked) WHAT?!?
Jerry: Let's bring Heero's lover out.
(The person who walks out of on the stage is no other than . . .)
Relena: (Stunned stupid) Duo?!?
[Side note: Sorry, non-yaoi people, it was a special case.]
(And what else but a fight erupts on stage between Relena and Duo.
Audience start chanting "Jerry, Jerry!" Steve comes out and separates them both.)
Relena: (In tears, to Heero) Bastard! I can't believe you did this to me.
Jerry: Well, Relena, you haven't been exactly honest with Heero. Let's bring out *your* lover.
(And guess who walks out this time . . .)
Duo: (His turn to be shocked.) Hilde?!? (Another fight occurs.)
(As show progresses . . .)
(Noin is on stage going off on stage while talking to Jerry..)
Noin: You tell that *bitch* to stay away from my man. I don't care if she is fifteen.
Jerry: Well let's bring Dorothy out on the show.
(Dorothy comes out talking much trash, Noin throws her shoe at her thus fueling another fight.)
(After the women are separated, Jerry brings out Zechz who instantly. Starts denying it.)
Zechz: I never sleep with that girl a day in my life.
Dorothy: Whatever honey. You left your mask at my house! (Audience oohs.)
Jerry: Well, the paternity test here clearly states that you are the father of her child.
Zechz: What! No way, it's not mine-it's her boyfriend's!
Noin: You slept with that whore!
Zechz: (Making excuses) Umm . . well . . . we were apart!. . .I was drunk!
Jerry: Let's bring out Dorothy's boyfriend Quatre- (corrects self) no wait, let's bring out Huggy Bear.
(Quatre a.k.a Huggy Bear walks out with two prostitutes on his arms, wearing the appropriate "pimp wear"-fur coat, sunglasses, gold teeth, alligator shoes, rings on all fingers.)
Quatre: Where all my hoes at?
(In the second half of the hour . . .)
Catherine: Well-umm-I found out this yesterday but we're related. You're my brother.
(Oohs from audience)
Trowa; (Freaked out) I'VE BEEN SLEEPING WITH MY SISTER!?!
(Audience oohs.)
(Later on . . .)
Sally: I'm here to tell my man to stop being so dominant in our relationship.He needs to be a little more *sensitive* to women.
Jerry: Well let's bring out Wufei!
Wufei: ("I'm Every Woman" starts playing when he walks out in a dress, wearing make-up, a wig, and sporting two-inch high stiletto heels.
He's even got a womanly twist.) Girl, I beat you there.
Sally: WHAT THE-?
Wufei: Oh yes, honey, I've turned over more than a new leaf.
Sally: (Crying) I don't even know you anymore!
(To the audience segment.)
Katrina: (Takes the mic so she can speak her mind) Let me hold this for a second Jerry. To the first four, the two of you don't e-v-e-n deserve each other. To that Zechz guy, you belong in jail perv with that pipm wanna! To the guy in the middle, that's just sick.
And you *freak* (points to Wufei) you just need help.
Wufei: (Snaps fingers) Oh no you didn't honey. Don't make me take off my earrings.
(Katrina rushes the stage and a cat fight between the black girl and Chinese boy-umm girl starts, she goes for the wig.
Suddenly everyone else jumps in too! Heero's hurling chairs at Hilde, more shoes are exchange between Noin and Dorothy, and there's hair-pulling between Duo and Zechz.)
Jerry: (In final word mode) As you can America, these poor misguided-
(Out of nowhere Sally takes a chair and goes across Jerry's back.)
Jerry: (in pain.) Security! Steve, get your ass here now!
(Heero whips out a beam canon from nowhere.)
Jeery: Who bought that weapon on stage!?!
(Show ends with the wild-n-crazy audience chanting "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"
*****
The Parody Don't Stop Here-wait a minute, yes it does.
Really people, I'm running out of ideas. Who knows what else I might come up with if I come up with something.
Enjoy . . . . If you dare.
*****
(In the aftermath of Lady Une's shooting . . .)
OZ solder: Whoa . . . she's dead . . .
(Suddenly everybody starts jumping up and down, and they're-singing?)
OZ staff: Ding-dong the witch is, the witch is dead, the witch is dead, the witch is dead, ding-dong the wicked witch is dead . . .
*****
(What exactly does Zechz do at home when he stands in front of his mirror . . . ?)
Zechz: (Very conceited tone) I'm beautiful, I'm beautiful . . .
And vogue, and vogue, and vogue . . . strike a pose . . .
*****
One-liners that kinda say it all.
Relena: Ugh! Heero is such a *punk*, I don't *why* I like him.
***
Wufei: I'm very much in touch with my *feminine* side.
***
Duo: You guys really need to be a little more *serious* about the situation.
***
Heero: You can take this mission and shove it!
***
Quatre: And they expect me to apologize . . . .
***
Trowa: Ohmigod, I said too much!
***
Trieze: Curses, foiled again.
*****
(After self-destructing, Trowa's laying on the ground trying to move.)
Trowa: Umm, a lil' help . . . a lil' help please.
*****
(Lady Une comes to work looking very much out of sorts, setting fear into anyone within a mile of her.)
Une: (Slams door) Look, I'm having a bad day and I have PMS: STAY away from me.
Treize: Hey Lady, I need your help with . . .
(Head starts doing those freaky 180-angle spins)
Une: (Demonic voice) GET OUT.
(Treize screams for dear life.)
Une: (Suddenly back to normal) Hey, you scream like a girl. (Laughs her head off.)
*****
(The GW gang are going to save the world tonight as usual-or that's what they tell Katrina Nyle-so they dump the kids off with the cattish spy.)
Relena: Now, now children, be good for your Auntie Katrina and we'll buy you all ice cream.
(The kiddies-Helena Yuy, Han Chang, Katie Barton, Trio Maxwell, Lacy Peacecraft and Lawrence Winner-are all a buzz at the word 'ice cream.')
Kids: Yay!
Helena: Mission accepted.
Trio: I want vanilla!
Han: (Like his dad) Vanilla's for the weak. I want chocolate.
Quatre: Listen to Auntie Kat. We'll be back . . .
(The parents leave after giving hugs and kisses to the little ones and are forced to pay Kat up front.)
Katrina: (Counting the cash) Heh-heh, money. (Straightens up) Don't worry, they'll be safe.
Go have fun *saving the world*.
(The gang walks outside pretending to be sad but as soon as they out of earshot.)
Gang: (Kissing the ground) YES! WE'RE FREEEEEE!
(Back at the Peacecraft Manor, as soon as the door closes those angelic faces turn evil.)
Katrina: Okay, this should be easy. If I can escape death, I can babysit can't I?
Trio: Come on let's play Cowboys & Indians with Auntie Kat!
Lawrence: (Skeptical tone) I don't know guys, she wouldn't like that.
Katie: (In a tiny voice) I wanna play.
Han: Cowboys & Indians are for the weak . . . and girls can't play.
Lacy: Oh really? Come on, the girls will be the Indians, and you males be the cowboys. You play Helena?
Helena: (Like her dad) I will be the perfect Indian, I will eliminate all cowboys before me.
Lacy: (confused) Umm, ok . . . Come on let's go find Auntie Kat!
(The children rally the war cry and go after Katrina.)
(Katrina is in the den looking for the kids who have disappeared for no reason.)
Katrina: Kids! I got "Barney" videos and the "Lion King." Where arrrrrrrreeeeeeee youuuuu?
(Under breath.) Darn brats, they're hiding. (Louder) Come out, come out, where ever you are!
(Suddenly six small bodies attack her . . .)
Katrina: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
(Hours later, when the parents come back from "saving the world.")
Sally: I hope the kids are ok.
Dorothy: They must be in bed. See, I knew we could trust them with a babysitter.
Wufei: Babysitting's for the weak . . . (Getting Sal's evil eye.)
Course I'll never call *my* son that.
(They unlock the door and walk in.)
Quatre: Katrina? Kids? Katrrrrrinnna? Kiddddsss?
Hilde: It's quiet.
Heero: (Suspiciously) A little *too* quiet.
(Suddenly the sound of feet moving is heard.
The parents run to the den to find their children watching Barney-but no Katrina.
They all look like perfect little angels.)
Relena: Kids, where's Auntie Kat?
Kids: (Innocently) We don't know.
Catherine: What did *you do* to Auntie Kat?
Kids: (Sweetly) *Nothing*.
Heero: Find her.
(After a long, exhaustive search they hear a whinnying sound, they throw the closet open to find.)
Gang: Katrina?!?
(Katrina is tied and gagged, trying furiously to get free.)
Katrina: Mmmmmmmm, mmmmmmmm, mmmmmmmm!
Hilde: Duo, take the freakin' gag off. (Smakcs him.)
Duo: Ouch! Oh yeah! (Removes the gag.)
Katrina: (Caching breath) Your children . . . are EVIL.
Trowa: Shouldn't we untie her?
Katrina: Hey, get me lose! I want $20 bucks extra for my pain and suffering!
Heero: Nawwww . . . Maybe we should leave her. I figured she would end up like that someday.
Gang: (Shrug) Ok.
Katrina: What!!! No way, no freakin' way are you gonna leave here! Look what you demon spawn did to me!
(They place the gag back over her mouth.)
*****
(The whole G-Gang-the pilots, the girls, Zechz, Noin, Une, and Treize are sitting around in an old style living room of some sorts, doing the old-spook-mansion-Clue-type deal. Then Relena runs with some startling accusation.)
Relena: (Dramatic like point) Somebody in this room . . . (dramatic pause w/ music) is a murderer!
(Everyone lets out a gasp.)
Heero: (Intrigued by this notion, rubs chins.) R-e-a-l-l-y? I *never* knew that . . .
Noin: (Confused) Umm, would've that be all of us?
Group: (It's them like a ton of bricks) Oh yeah, that's right.
Wufei: You baka! That's the *obvious.*
Duo: (Sarcasticly) Yeah, Relena, take you pick.
Catherine: (Smugly) Well *I* didn't kill anybody.
(Duo suddenly starts bugging the hell out of her for being so innocence.)
I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE!
(Starts strangling him 'til he passes out. The boy doesn't move thereafter.)
Trowa: He's-dead.
Treize: (With a smile) Well, you just did now.
*****
You figure it would never happen, you told yourself 'no way', you thought it wouldn't be.
But it did . . . .
Gundam Springer . . . .
The Highlights.
(Audience began clapping as Jerry Springer graces the stage.)
Jerry: Hello everyone and welcome to the Jerry springer.
Today's show is called "I Have Something To Say." (Audience claps.)
Our first guest is Relena Peacecraft whose here to tell us how great her boyfriend is. (Audience awws) So Relena, what about him?
Relena: (With love in her eyes) Like ohmigod, he is the sweetest guy in the world.
He gave me a teddy bear for my birthday. (Audience awws again)
Jerry: Well, let's bring Heero out.
(Audience claps as the Perfect Solder graces the stage and plants a kiss on her cheek.)
Jerry: So Heero, anything you would like to say?
Heero: (Turns to Relena, really suave) Girl, you know I love you . . .
(Audiences awws yet once more.)
Heero: (Then adds) But there's someone else. (Audiences oohs this time)
Relena: (Shocked) WHAT?!?
Jerry: Let's bring Heero's lover out.
(The person who walks out of on the stage is no other than . . .)
Relena: (Stunned stupid) Duo?!?
[Side note: Sorry, non-yaoi people, it was a special case.]
(And what else but a fight erupts on stage between Relena and Duo.
Audience start chanting "Jerry, Jerry!" Steve comes out and separates them both.)
Relena: (In tears, to Heero) Bastard! I can't believe you did this to me.
Jerry: Well, Relena, you haven't been exactly honest with Heero. Let's bring out *your* lover.
(And guess who walks out this time . . .)
Duo: (His turn to be shocked.) Hilde?!? (Another fight occurs.)
(As show progresses . . .)
(Noin is on stage going off on stage while talking to Jerry..)
Noin: You tell that *bitch* to stay away from my man. I don't care if she is fifteen.
Jerry: Well let's bring Dorothy out on the show.
(Dorothy comes out talking much trash, Noin throws her shoe at her thus fueling another fight.)
(After the women are separated, Jerry brings out Zechz who instantly. Starts denying it.)
Zechz: I never sleep with that girl a day in my life.
Dorothy: Whatever honey. You left your mask at my house! (Audience oohs.)
Jerry: Well, the paternity test here clearly states that you are the father of her child.
Zechz: What! No way, it's not mine-it's her boyfriend's!
Noin: You slept with that whore!
Zechz: (Making excuses) Umm . . well . . . we were apart!. . .I was drunk!
Jerry: Let's bring out Dorothy's boyfriend Quatre- (corrects self) no wait, let's bring out Huggy Bear.
(Quatre a.k.a Huggy Bear walks out with two prostitutes on his arms, wearing the appropriate "pimp wear"-fur coat, sunglasses, gold teeth, alligator shoes, rings on all fingers.)
Quatre: Where all my hoes at?
(In the second half of the hour . . .)
Catherine: Well-umm-I found out this yesterday but we're related. You're my brother.
(Oohs from audience)
Trowa; (Freaked out) I'VE BEEN SLEEPING WITH MY SISTER!?!
(Audience oohs.)
(Later on . . .)
Sally: I'm here to tell my man to stop being so dominant in our relationship.He needs to be a little more *sensitive* to women.
Jerry: Well let's bring out Wufei!
Wufei: ("I'm Every Woman" starts playing when he walks out in a dress, wearing make-up, a wig, and sporting two-inch high stiletto heels.
He's even got a womanly twist.) Girl, I beat you there.
Sally: WHAT THE-?
Wufei: Oh yes, honey, I've turned over more than a new leaf.
Sally: (Crying) I don't even know you anymore!
(To the audience segment.)
Katrina: (Takes the mic so she can speak her mind) Let me hold this for a second Jerry. To the first four, the two of you don't e-v-e-n deserve each other. To that Zechz guy, you belong in jail perv with that pipm wanna! To the guy in the middle, that's just sick.
And you *freak* (points to Wufei) you just need help.
Wufei: (Snaps fingers) Oh no you didn't honey. Don't make me take off my earrings.
(Katrina rushes the stage and a cat fight between the black girl and Chinese boy-umm girl starts, she goes for the wig.
Suddenly everyone else jumps in too! Heero's hurling chairs at Hilde, more shoes are exchange between Noin and Dorothy, and there's hair-pulling between Duo and Zechz.)
Jerry: (In final word mode) As you can America, these poor misguided-
(Out of nowhere Sally takes a chair and goes across Jerry's back.)
Jerry: (in pain.) Security! Steve, get your ass here now!
(Heero whips out a beam canon from nowhere.)
Jeery: Who bought that weapon on stage!?!
(Show ends with the wild-n-crazy audience chanting "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"
*****