A Cue Shorty 8: TV Land.
This may suck-but hey, it's worth it.
*****
Recuse 911:
(Duo and Heero are two paramedics rushing to the scene of a call as the bystanders sit there watching this daring rescue . . . or so it's suppose to be.)
Relena: (As bystander) Umm guys, you're like, suppose to be operating or something.
Duo: Aww, but it's so fun to watch him bleed to death!
Heero: (Messing around with the med equipment.) Hmm, what does this do?
Victim: HEY! CAN SOMEBODY HELP ME?!? These incomplete jackassses-!
(Heero takes out a gun and shoots him. He's meet with an unfriendly glare from Relena.)
Heero: So he was talking too much.
Duo: You never did that to me.
Heero: (Thoughtfully) Oh yeahhh. (Shoots Duo.) Thanks for reminding me.
Relena: (Backing up in fear.) I am walking away slowly.
*****
Two Skinny People:
Trowa: (A bright, happy-scary-side) Hi I'm Trowa!
Catherine: And I'm Catherine!
Both: And this is "Two Skinny People!"
Catherine: And today we're going to show you how to make lobster!
Trowa: Wouldn't that be spiffy! . . . (Thinking.) Oh god, did I just say?
(While preparing the lobster.)
Catherine: And we cut the lobster like so . . . (Throws knife but misses the lobster completely.)
Umm, ok, that wasn't suppose to happen.
(A loud, hair-raising scream is heard off-stage.)
Trowa: GAH! THAT WAS MY OTHER FREAKIN' EYE! (Read Cue Six to get it.)
Catherine: Oops. Sorry! Run a little water over it!
(Trowa runs back on the set with a very large butcher knife in his unibang.)
What the (beep!) is your (beep!)ing problem?!?
Catherine: Look you, I can have your (beep!) taking out of the contract buddy!
(Duo, with the prepared lobster in hand, walks across the stage and interrupts the argument.)
Duo: Hey, this stuff is good. (Inhales most of the lobster.) Got any butter?
(They just glare at him . . . and glare . . . and glare some more.)
Duo: (Feeling very unwelcome) Ok, you two finish chatting, I'll find it.
(The show closes with this verbal argument still going.)
Survivor-G Edition:
Ms. J: (Theme music kicks in, Ms. J-my lovely self-is seen walking on a lovely beach in the South Pacific opening the show . . .) Sixteen people trapped on one island for sixteen days going after one million dollar prize, who will be the ultimate survivor? (Music stops) Let's check in on their progress.
Day 1
(We see the gang-: The fab five, their five ladies, Zechz & Noin, Treize & Une, and Katrina Nyle and Dylan Thorton (From Bk series.)sitting all together on a remote tropical isle around a fire.)
Noin: So the whole point of this game is to see who can live the longest on this island without being tied to a palm tree?
Heero: (Grunts) Yeah.
Wufei: This sound be easy, any whose not a weakling can survive this.
Hilde: (Doubtful) Surreeeeeee . . . righhtttttttttt.
Quatre: Look guys, we can do this. Just remember, there's a million dollars in this for us.
Dylan: Yeah but no food, no running water, no . . .
Duo: (At the sound of 'no food', panics.) No food?!?
Katrina: Eh-yeah, Maximilian, did you not read the contact?
(Duo runs to the water and starts swimming as fast as he can.) COMME BACCCCKKKK!
LET ME OFFFFF! I WANTTTT OUTTTT.
Day 3
(The sixteen peeps are hiking through the jungle in search of food, water, hut-making material.)
Sally: (Trying to motivate) Come on guys, just a little more . . .
Dorothy: I just love this fight for survival! The fresh air, the beach water, the battling animals . . .
Catherine: Taking your pretty little head *off* . . . Damn cheery people.
Relena: (Whining for the hundredth time) I'm soooooooo hungry.
Duo: Will somebody please shut the Queen of the World up?
Relena: Can it God of Death!
(Duo mumbles a really unkind word under his breath about Relena.)
Relena: (Ghetto style, does neck roll) Oh no you didn't, don't make me take off my earrings.
Duo: (Jumps in her face) Bring it on!
(The Queen of the World socks The God of Death in the eye thus creating a major brawl.)
Trowa: (To Wufei) Five bucks says she wins.
Wufei: What! By a woman? You're on!
Dorothy: Yeah, kick his ass girlfriend!
All: (Chanting) Fight! Fight! Fight!
Day 5
(A rather loud scream is heard through the camp. Noin, Une, and Hilde run out on the beach where the others are helping make their camps.)
Une: It's gone!
Hilde: Someone ate it all!
Noin: Where did all the food go?!
(All eyes turn to Duo.)
Duo: What?
(Their eyes narrow)
Duo: What!?!
Katrina: (Breaking words down) You. Did not. Eat. All. The food.
Duo: I-I-I only had a snack.
(She screams in a mad fit.)
Dylan: (Rolling up sleeves.) I say we take him. (The group attacks him.)
Day 7
(Zechz, who's hunting for food, sees a rather large rat that will make good eating for the night.)
Zechz: Fooooddddd. (Starts salivating.)
(The rat realized he's prey and attacks Zechz . . .)
Zechz: Come on rodent! You can fight can't you?!?
(The battle between the rat-eating-man and the man-biting-rat ensues.)
Day 9
Trowa: Umm, guys, now would be a good time to mention that there's no drinking water.
(Panic arises.)
Dylan: Somebody took the water!
Dorothy: What mindless, blood-sucking leech would do that!?!
(Quatre walks out looking clean-cause he's the only clean in the bunch.)
Catherine: (Joking) Quatre, buddy, you didn't just bathe in our water supply . . .
Quatre: (Drawing blanks) Water supply . . .?
Relena: Yes, Quatre, that was our water supply, the ones that would only last for three days!
Quatre: OH! That's what that sign was for! (Six pairs of angry eyes meets Quatre.) Oops.
(The group tackle as they tie him up to a palm three.)
Quatre: I won't forget this day, mark my words I won't forget this!
(He does that cool evil, pycho laughter bit.)
Heero: (Bored) Yeah, yeah, been there, done that. (Gags him.)
Day 11
(By now most of the groups is looking wild-eyed and crazy, not trusting anyone. Duo, Quatre, Relena, Dylan, Noin, Catherine, Wufei, and Une are tied to palm trees. The remaining 'sane' people: Hilde, Dorothy, Heero, Katrina, Zechz, Sally, Treize, and Trowa. They're watching each other around the fire rather suspiciously. )
Dorothy: So.
Hilde: (With emphasis) Soooooo
Heero: (Grunts) So.
Treize: (Paranoid like) Yessssss, sooooo . . .
Sally: I smell something. (Everybody starting checking their underarms.) Not that! Food!
(Their eyes light up. Suddenly a noise is heard from Trowa's side like someone hiding something.)
Heero: (Snooping) Trowa, what's take sound coming from by you?
Trowa: (Hoping his quiet nature will play it off.) Sound. . .?
Katrina: Skinny Boy's hoarding food!
Trowa: (Panics) No, no it's not true tell you!
(Suddenly, a bag of potato chips, two candy bars, berries, a Coke, and a pack of ketchup falls from his pockets.) Oops.
Zechz: Get him!
(Trowa does one of his cool back flips and lands in a tree. They can't get to get him so he's laughing at him.)
Trowa: (Like Nelson off the 'Simpsons.') Ha-ha!
(The branch snaps under his weight-what weight I don't know-they he falls right into the circle of them.)
Trowa: Aww man!
(They promptly string him up.)
Dorothy: (Happy to everyone chasing each other again) Oh the beauty of it all!
Treize: Will somebody shut the freak show up!
Dorothy: (Offended) Freak show!?!
(Takes her sphere and goes to work on him.)
Day 13
(The now party of five-Trowa, Dorothy, and Treize are currently on the trees-need Katrina and Hilde out to look for any fire making material. Hilde finds leaves but Katrina knows what kind they are.
Katrina: Umm, Hill, I don't think we should get those leaves.
Hilde: Shove it Nyle! We want leaves and we got them.
Katrina: I was going to say it's poison ivy.
Hilde: (Jumps up in mad fit.) AHHHHHHHH!
(Hilde is itching in every place imaginable leaving Kat to fall into a fit of laughter.)
Hilde: (Wickedly) On so now YOU WANT SOME.
(Wrestles Katrina into the whole patch.)
Katrina: GAHHHHHH! WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?!
Hilde: That was laughing and that was for Duo!
Katrina: (Snaps fingers) Honey, I had him before you did.
(The remaining three members stumble upon the struggle that follows.)
Sally: (Outdone.) Oh God . . .
Zechz: (Chanting) Cat fight. Cat fight. (Receives bored look from others.)You didn't hear that.
Day 15
(It's down to Heero and Sally, who are watching each other intensely, waiting for one of them mess up at the fire. A single morsel of food sits between them. Whoever gets it wins the game while the loser gets a palm tree.)
(They regard each other)
Heero: (Coldly) Sally.
Sally: (Just as cold) Heero.
(A thirty-minute staring match is in effect.)
Heero: (Deciding to get the best of her, faking fear.) OMIGOD! WHAT'S THAT!?!
Sally : (Looks around) What-? (Turns head.)
(He snatches it and pops it in his mouth.)
Heero: YESSS! I'M THE ULTIMATE SURVIVOR! I'M THE ULTIMATE SURVIVOR!
I'M THE ULTIMATE-
Sally: (Pulling out a rather large stick) Survive this!
Heero: Aieeeeeeeeeeeee!
(She chases Heero down the beach swinging.)
(The host comes back on the beach.)
Ms. J: Well, there you have it. We see that there was no ultimate survivor. NONE of them could survive the island and all manage to lose somehow, therefore no one gets he cash. Turn in next time to witness the Sailor Scouts and the Ronin Warriors go through similar fates next time on Survivor.
(As Ms J walks off the set, she's met by the group on the other side of the beach.)
Ms. J: What's up people? Enjoy the show?
Sally: (Appalled) You call THAT enjoyment.
Relena: (Peeved.) You lured us to a deserted island to watch us suffer for you're sick entertainment!
Trowa; None of us got paid . . .
Heero: Where's our money baka?!?
Ms. J: Hey I'm not at liberty to give you jack.
Quatre: You mean we stayed here for nothing!
Katrina: I know you now! You're the one that's been screwing with our lives!
She wrote that Jerry Springer skit!
All: What!
Wufei: (Disgusted) I wore an apron because of this woman!
Ms. J: (Thinking) He-he, that was pretty funny . . .
Ms. J: I don't have to listen to this!
Dylan: (Rolling up sleeves. ) I say we take her.
(Suddenly torches appear out of nowhere.)
Ms. J (Scared) Hey, hey! What the heck is this?!?
(They began to chase her.)
Ms. J : AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!