Over the next couple of weeks, things seemed to get a little better. At least from Monica's point of view. She was seeing a therapist twice a week and that was really helping her to deal with what had happened. She and Rachel were also busy getting last minute preparations for the wedding finished. Chandler had told Monica they could postpone the wedding, but she explained to him that they couldn't let her attacker win, and if they didn't get married then that's exactly what they would be doing. Chandler agreed with her, but told her if she changed her mind he would understand. Monica had been so busy with the planning, that she hadn't really noticed that Chandler was having a lot of problems dealing with her rape. Monica had suggested that he go see the counselor with her but he had refused. He convinced himself that no amount of therapy could ever change what happened or how guilty he felt.
A few days before the wedding, Chandler and Monica were getting ready for bed. Monica had been to see her counselor that day and was feeling really good. She had decided that she wanted this night to be the first time for her and Chandler to be intimate since the rape. Originally she was planning to wait until their wedding night, but she suddenly didn't want to wait anymore. She had talked it over with her counselor to make sure it wasn't too soon. It had only been a month since the assault, but her counselor assured her that every person is different and Monica had been handling things so well, that she would be just fine.
Monica crawled into bed and snuggled up closely to Chandler. She leaned in and kissed him softly on the lips. "There is something I want to talk to you about."
"Sure, sweetie." He replied, as she put his arm around her.
"I was thinking that tonight we should…" she paused momentarily, almost laughing at how awkward it was for her to say it, but then continued, "Well I think we should make love."
Chandler was actually surprised. He looked at Monica, who was smiling at him, full of love. "Honey, are you sure? It's not too soon?" He asked her, cautiously.
"No, its not. I talked to Sarah about it today and she said that there's no right or wrong answer when it comes to this stuff. She said its all up to me."
"Sweetheart, is this because of the wedding? I don't want you to feel any pressure."
Monica placed her hand on Chandler's cheek and continued to smile lovingly at him. Could she be anymore lucky? This was the best guy in the world sitting here with her, and he was all her's. "Chandler, I promise you, I'm ready. I want to be with you. I need to remember what it feels like to be with you. I need to know the last person I've been with is the man I love more than life itself." Chandler understood exactly what she meant. He leaned in a kissed her cheek softly and then the tip of her nose. "Okay?" She asked him.
"Okay." He told her. "But you have to promise me one thing." "Anything." She answered.
"If you change your mind, you tell me. I don't care what's happening, if you don't want me to -" he continued, but was cut off by Monica kissing him passionately.
"Don't worry so much. I love you and it will be fine." She continued to kiss him, and only stopped to lean over and turn off the light. She pressed herself against Chandler and kissed his neck. She could sense that he was nervous, and she began to give him sweet little kisses on his face and neck to try and ease his tension. He wrapped his arms around her, resting them on her back. "Chandler.." she whispered, "You can touch me." She kissed his lips once more and then lay back on the bed, pulling him down to her. He carefully unbuttoned her pajama top and she smiled up at him, studying his facial expression. She could tell he was concentrating on her and only her. After her removed her top, he leaned forward and kissed her mouth and then her neck. He slowly moved a little further down and kissed each breast softly. He traced his tongue down to her stomach, where he kissed her a few more times. She ran her fingers through his hair and was enjoying the feeling of being with him again. She imagined it might feel a little strange, but the only thing she realized was how much she had missed him during the past month. She sat up and helped Chandler remove his shirt and his pj bottoms, along with his boxers. He gently placed his hand on her cheek and brushed some of her hair out of her face before leaning into kiss her. He slid his hands over her bare breasts and down to her waist. He carefully began to slide her pj bottoms and panties down and then tossed them aside once they reached her ankles. He pulled her close to him and wrapped his arms around her as they kissed passionately. He slowly laid her back onto the bed, his hand cradling her neck, and climbed on top of her. They had been kissing for a few more minutes just enjoying each other, when Monica opened her legs a little further apart, indicating to Chandler that she was ready for him. He stopped kissing her for a moment, and looked deep into her eyes, making sure this is what she wanted before he made another move. She kissed him again, slipping her tongue into his mouth. He slowly entered her and she let out a small moan. She ran her fingers through his hair again and then rested her hands there for a few moments. He continued to move slowly within her and took his time. Monica had closed her eyes and thought about how good it felt to be with Chandler again. A short time later, she opened her eyes and gazed up at Chandler. The expression on his face looked nothing like it usually did when they made love. She placed her hand on his cheek, and he opened his eyes and looked down at her. He leaned in and kissed her, while placing one hand on each side of her face. He started to kiss her neck, so she could no longer see his face, but a short time later she heard what she thought was Chandler crying.
"Chandler?" She whispered. He stopped what he was doing and looked her in the eyes with tear stained cheeks. "Honey, what's wrong?" She asked him as she brought her hands up to his face. Chandler suddenly rolled off of Monica onto his side of the bed, and with his back turned to her, he burst into tears. She immediately sat up and moved to be near him. She gently placed her hand on his bare shoulder to try and get him to look at her. She could feel him tense up at her touch, which she hadn't expected. "Chandler? Tell me what's going on." She said again, as she began to get scared.
"I'm sorry." He bawled. "I just couldn't do it."
"Oh, Chandler." Monica said as she started to cry a little. "Sweetie, I am so sorry."
He turned and looked at her. "Mon, all I could see was that sick fuck and what he was doing to you." Chandler cried. "I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I just wanted to kill him." He continued.
Monica pulled Chandler into a hug and let him cry in her arms. She was just now starting to realize the magnitude of the damage this had done to Chandler. She knew what he'd seen had to have been traumatic, but she had thought he was going to be fine. Now she was having second thoughts. He continued to cry and she slowly stroke his back as he told her how he felt like he should have been home to protect her that night. It felt strange for a moment that she was helping Chandler and that it wasn't the other way around. It was ironic that he was the one falling apart because of the rape. But she was glad that he was finally opening up to her. Maybe now he could face this head on and deal with it, and like her accept it.
Chandler didn't want to talk his breakdown again after that night. He promised Monica that he was fine, and that he had just been emotional during their lovemaking. She wasn't sure if she bought it, but he had never been dishonest with her before, so she really had no reason not to believe him. She just hoped that if there was a problem, he would talk to her about it. But that wasn't what happened. After their wedding night, she knew there was a definite problem and she just needed to find a way for Chandler to agree to get help. It all started at their wedding reception when Chandler got completely wasted. It was so unlike him to get drunk - during their time together, he had rarely ever had anything to drink besides a few beers every now and then. Monica was worried, but the next day, Chandler assured her it was a one time thing and blamed it on Joey, saying he kept bringing him drinks all night. That turned out to be another lie. Every night after work, he began to go to a pub by his office and he would come home to the apartment reeking of alcohol and slurring his words. Monica didn't know what to do. She confided in Rachel and Phoebe, but they could only listen and offer their emotional support.
It was a cold January night, two weeks after the wedding. Monica was sitting at the kitchen table, holding her phone in her hand and hoping that Chandler would call or be home soon. It was past 8:00 and she was starting to get worried. She'd called everyone they knew and no one had any idea where he was. She had called him earlier at the office and told him she needed to talk to him and he'd told her he would be home as soon as he was off work. It had been three hours now and she was running out of options. A few minutes later, he came stumbling in, and right away she knew he was drunk again.
"Hey babe." He said as he dropped his briefcase by the front door. He tripped over it but caught his fall and laughed a little at his own clumsiness. Monica crossed her arms and sighed deeply.
"Where the hell have you been? Or do I even have to ask?" She frowned.
"What's going on? Am I past my curfew?" Chandler joked. Monica just stared at him. She felt like she could cry. "Oh come on, honey. Its just a joke."
"Well its not funny. I asked you to come home after work."
Chandler thought for a moment. "Ohhhhh. Yeah, I forgot. What did you want to tell me?"
Monica stood up from the table and began to walk toward the bedroom. "Forget it. I can't talk to you when you're like this. Which is everyday now."
"Monica, seriously. I'm fine, just tell me." Chandler said to her.
Monica stopped before she reached the bedroom. "We'll talk in the morning. Or sometime when you're sober."
Chandler followed her into the bedroom and watched her as she put on her pjs. "Why you going to bed so early? It's like 8:00."
"I'm tired." Monica replied. She really wasn't in the mood to talk to him.
"Let's watch some TV. Come on, honey." Chandler reached out for her hand, but she pushed him away.
"I don't feel like it."
"Oh, Mon you're no fun. Come on, let's do something." He said, as he stumbled across the room.
"Just get out! Leave me alone, Chandler!" She shouted, as she started to cry.
"Geez, get a grip. What the hell is wrong with you?" He snapped at her.
"I'm pregnant! Okay!?"
"Whaa?" He asked, shocked.
"You heard me. Now get the hell out of here. I don't feel like talking to you anymore."
"Is it mine?"
Monica looked up at him. She couldn't believe he had just said those words to her. "I'm going to do you a big favor and pretend you did not just say that."
"Well is it?" He asked again, sounding a lot more sober.
"Of course it is, Chandler. Don't be so stupid."
"Well how do you know?"
"Chandler, I swear to God, if you don't get out of here right now, you are going to be sorry."
"Just tell me how you know its mine. Because you know, from where I'm standing it might not be."
Monica crawled underneath the covers and laid down on her side of the bed. "Goodnight, Chandler."
The next morning when Monica came out of the bedroom, Chandler was sitting at the kitchen table reading the newspaper and drinking coffee. She still didn't feel like talking to him, she was absolutely furious with him about the night before.
"Monica -" he started.
"Chandler, I really don't feel like having this discussion."
"I'm sorry about last night. Please, you have to forgive me."
"For which part exactly? The being drunk again or for you questioning the paternity of the child I'm carrying."
"Monica, are you sure its my baby?"
"Ok, so I take it you mean I need to forgive the drunk thing." Monica sarcastically said, as she walked over and opened the fridge. She grabbed the milk and closed the door.
"Monica, listen to me." Chandler started, as she made her cereal and pretended she couldn't hear him. "Damn it, Monica, would you look at me?" He yelled.
She looked up at him, a little shocked at his short temper that he had just recently developed along with the drinking. She sat down at the kitchen table across from him.
"Monica, I'm not saying you cheated on me for God's sake. I'm just asking you if there is a chance this baby could be a result of the…well, the…"
"The rape? You can say it, Chandler. Yes, I was raped. And I am dealing with it. You on the other hand, can't seem to deal with what happened to me."
"Can we talk about the problem at hand please?"
"Oh, so now its a problem? Its a baby, Chandler."
"Stop being so mean for one second! I'm just saying if there is a chance its not my baby then we need to find out, okay?"
"If it'll shut you up, then fine!"
"When can we find out?" He asked her, calming down a little.
"Well with a paternity test when the baby is born."
"We can't find out now? I mean if its not mine, then you might want to consider…"
"What are you suggesting? Are you saying that if its not yours that I shouldn't have it? Is that what you're getting at?"
"Well, yes." Chandler replied without giving it a second thought. He could see Monica was shocked. "Mon, I just can't imagine us raising a child that doesn't even belong to me."
"Its really not up to you."
"You are my wife. I mean don't I have some kind of say in this decision?"
"I don't even know why we're having this stupid discussion. This is your child, okay? You know why I know its yours? Because that bastard who raped me did not ejaculate in me. I've already told you this once, but apparently you need a refresher course." Monica stood up abruptly and put her bowl into the sink.
Chandler could see how this was tearing at Monica and he felt really bad. Monica had told him that before, but for some reason he couldn't get the idea out of his head that she could be pregnant by this pervert. And Chandler couldn't stand the idea of bringing a child into the world that was a result of this attack that had been haunting him every night for the past month and a half. He walked over to Monica and placed his hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry." He told her sincerely. She turned and looked at him, her eyes were filled with tears again. He hugged her tightly and kissed her head. "God Monica, I am so sorry. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me."
"Chandler, please get some help. I'm so worried about you." Monica said to him as she placed her head on his chest. They continued in their embrace for a few more moments before Chandler answered her.
"I promise you, everything is going to be okay. We're having a baby! Everything is going to be perfect." He smiled down at her, with what she considered a forced smile, then he kissed her lips sweetly and left for work. Monica sat on the couch and continued to cry. She wanted to believe that everything was going to be okay, but she knew that Chandler was in need of some professional help and as long as he refused it, their problems would never go away.
To be continued....