Monica slowly got out of bed, not wanting to wake Chandler, and grabbed her robe. She quietly closed the door behind her and walked into the kitchen. She was feeling terrible and could not believe she had just slept with Chandler not only once but three times. She sat down at the kitchen table, sighing, trying to figure out what she was going to do. She was worried that by telling Chandler she didn't want anymore than friendship with him, that it might lead him to drink again. But she couldn't lie and pretend she wanted to be with him. And even if she did want to be with him, he was nowhere near ready to be in a serious relationship. She continued sitting at the table, nervously biting at her nails, when Chandler entered from the bedroom. She felt like she couldn't even face him.
"Hey." He said to her, his eyes glowing.
"Hi." She said, not making eye contact with him.
He sat down at the kitchen table next to her. He knew something was up, he was always able to read her like a book, and when she started biting on her nails, it meant she had something serious on her mind.
"Mon…is this about what just happened?" He asked her.
She finally looked up at him and nodded slowly. "Chandler, I don't want to hurt you…" she began, but he interrupted her.
"Look, its okay. I don't wanna call it a mistake though, okay? We both just really needed that connection again. At least I did."
"I did too." She said, placing her hand on top of his. "My emotions just got the better of me and I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, Mon."
"We just can't let it happen again, okay?" She said rather sternly.
"I know." Chandler agreed, almost sounding sad about it.
"I know you are still pretty fragile right now. I was so afraid of hurting you."
"Mon, I hurt you more than anyone ever has. And I want you to know that I am so sorry."
"I know you are. And I'm ready to forgive you."
"You are?" He asked her, quite surprised.
"Yes. I can't keep living my life being so angry at you for what happened. Now that I know….now that I know about your mom and everything, I can see why you started to drink. I'm not saying that what you did was right, or that I wish you hadn't told me the truth because I wish more than anything that you had."
"I wish I had too." He told her.
"But everything happens for some kind of reason. I can't figure this one out yet, but maybe someday I will."
"Monica, your forgiveness means everything to me." He told her, with tears in his eyes.
"Chandler, I want us to be friends again. Like we were before any of this happened."
"I want that too." He told her. They both stood up and embraced. Chandler held her close to him and was genuinely happy just to have her friendship again. Of course on some level, he did wish they could be together someday and happy like they once had been. But he wasn't going to think about that right now, he just wanted to enjoy the moment.
It had been 3 months since Chandler had begun staying with Monica and Matthew. His therapy was going really well, and he was hopeful he would soon get the approval from his doctor to move out and be on his own again. His company in California had been very supportive during his time off, he was such an asset to the business, they were more than happy to let him take the time off to recover. However, he could tell after talking to his boss that they did want him back as soon as possible. Things between Monica and Chandler were going really well too. They were not anything more than just best friends again, and even though some nights Chandler ached for her so badly, he had accepted the fact that she wanted nothing more than friendship. Little did he know that deep down, she wanted him more than anything as well. Ever since their lovemaking, she had developed very strong feelings for him, but she couldn't risk being hurt again, and more importantly she couldn't risk Matthew being hurt in the process. Her son was her first priority and that would never change. Matthew and Chandler had grown to be quite close over the three months too. Chandler watched him while Monica was at work, and she really didn't look forward to the day when Chandler would have to go back to California; she'd gotten so used to him being around again. And she knew Matthew was going to miss him as well.
It was a couple of weeks later that Chandler's doctor told him he thought he was ready to be on his own again. He couldn't wait to get back to the apartment to tell Monica the news.
"Hey!" He said as he happily entered.
"Oh, hey! Its almost time for dinner!" She exclaimed from the stove. She had her hair pulled back into a bun and was wearing a cute little apron. Chandler smiled when he saw her. It felt exactly like when they had been married. He almost automatically went over to kiss her just as he had so many times during their marriage and time together. He snapped back into reality and just continued to smile at her.
"Great, what did you make tonight?" He asked her, as he took his jacket off.
"Well, I made some lasagna..and.." She began to continue, but Matthew ran in from his bedroom.
"Chandler!" He exclaimed as he ran over and jumped on him.
"Hey buddy!" Chandler replied. "What's going on?"
"Uncle Ross buyed me a new game!"
"Bought." Monica corrected him.
"Okay, mommy." Matthew replied, more interested in hearing Chandler's reaction.
Chandler looked over at Monica. "Ross…Ross was here?" He asked her, nervously.
"Yeah, he stopped by when you were at your appointment."
"Matthew, can you give me and your mom a minute alone? Go set up the game and I'll be there in a minute for you to show me."
"Okay! But hurry!" Matthew replied, running off into his room again.
"So.." Chandler replied. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah." Monica told him.
"I wish I could talk to Ross. And the others." He said, sitting down at the kitchen table.
"I know. We will figure something out. They're going to forgive you, Chandler. Eventually." She told him, as she placed her hand on his shoulder, squeezing it lightly.
"Well, I just got the okay from the doctor today that I can go back to California." He informed her. "So, I don't know how much longer I'm going to be here. They really need me back at work."
Monica felt sad. But she knew this day was going to come at some point. "When do you think you're going to be leaving?"
"In a few days, probably." Chandler noticed Monica's sudden uneasiness. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." She started, then paused. "I guess I'm just going to miss you. I've gotten so used to you being around. And after you leave, I have some fences to mend." She chuckled a little.
"You'll be fine, Mon. But I'm going to miss you too. You'll never know how much I appreciate what you have done for me. You could have told me where to go. I just want you to know you're the best person I know."
"Thanks, Chandler. That means a lot to me." She said, feeling a lump forming in her throat. She turned her back to him and stood in front of the stove, pretending to be interested in something she was cooking.
"Well, its true." He stood up and walked over toward Monica, placing his hand on her shoulder. "I love you, Mon. And I'm really going to miss you when I leave." She slowly turned to look at him, and his face was only inches from hers. He looked into her big beautiful blue eyes and wanted nothing more than to kiss her. And Monica wanted that kiss so desperately. She closed her eyes and waited for it to happen.
"You're leaving?" Matthew could be heard as he stood by the couch.
Monica and Chandler quickly jumped away from each other, obviously startled by Matthew's presence.
"Yeah, I am going to be leaving soon, little buddy." Chandler told him, as he kneeled down.
"But why? Don't you like it here with us?"
"Of course I do. I've had so much fun with you and your mom. I'm going to miss both of you."
"Then why are you leaving?" Matthew asked, sadly.
"I'm sorry. But I will try to see you guys a lot. And you can come visit me anytime."
"That's not the same!" Matthew replied.
"Honey, Chandler has a job and friends in California that he has to get back to." Monica told her son.
"We are his friends." Matthew said to her.
"Yes, you are." Chandler said, smiling. "Matthew, why don't you show me that new game."
"Okay." Matthew agreed, still slightly upset. He trotted off toward his bedroom and Chandler smiled at Monica and then followed.
Matthew's fourth birthday was only a week away, so Chandler told Monica had wanted to stay until then. She told him that would be great and hoped to herself that within that time she could convince the others to at least talk to Chandler. They hadn't talked about their almost kiss again, but it was still on both of their minds.
Chandler was babysitting Matthew while Monica was at work. They were playing video games, as usual, and eating popcorn and drinking soda. He knew he spoiled Matthew, but Monica didn't really mind so much. Chandler turned off the video game and turned on regular TV. Matthew sat next to him as they flipped through the different channels.
"You got a daddy?" Matthew suddenly asked him.
"What?" Chandler asked him, pretty surprised.
"You got a daddy?"
Chandler knew he should correct his grammar because Monica was a stickler about that, but he couldn't bring himself to do it because of the nature of the question.
"Yes, I do." Chandler finally replied.
"You're lucky." Matthew replied.
"Why is that?"
"Cause I don't got one."
Chandler felt a lump forming in his throat. He had no idea what Monica had told Matthew about his father. He didn't want to say the wrong thing. He was relieved that Monica would be home soon.
"You have a great mom." Chandler said to Matthew.
"But I want a daddy too."
"I know you do. I didn't know my dad because he and my mom split up when I was a little older than you. But I had my mom and…" Chandler had to stop himself because he had no idea what else he could say. His childhood had sucked so much. How could he tell his little boy that he had a great life to look forward to. He had no idea what kind of life Matthew would have without a father. The only thing Chandler knew for sure was that Monica was a great mom, and that was one thing Matthew had in his favor.
Luckily, Matthew changed the subject, but Chandler was still a little shaken. He started to feel so guilty once again for having walked out on Monica. He knew that if he hadn't had the drinking problem, he would have stayed with her no matter what and no matter who Matthew's father was. He could have been the father to this wonderful little child for the past three, almost four years. And Matthew would have called him "daddy" instead of "Chandler". He felt like he had been so selfish, and he couldn't believe Monica had been able to forgive him for something he didn't think he would ever be able to fully forgive himself.
She walked in a little while later and found both Chandler and Matthew passed out on the couch. She smiled at the sight of them, then gently tapped Chandler on the shoulder.
"Psssst. Hey." She whispered.
He woke up and smiled at her. He mechanically picked Matthew up and carried him into Monica's bedroom and placed him gently on the bed so he could continue sleeping. Then he went back into the living area and joined Monica.
"Well it looks like you two had a fun time." She smiled, pointing to all of the junk food and soda on the coffee table.
"We did. We had a great day."
Monica sat down on the couch and Chandler sat opposite her in the barca lounger.
"Mon, I need to talk to you about something."
"Okay, what is it?" She asked him, a little concerned.
"Today Matthew asked me if I had a father because he said he wants one."
Monica looked sad. "He asked you that? I'm so sorry, Chandler."
"No, don't apologize. I'm glad he asked me because it got me thinking."
"About what?"
"Well, I realized some things. Like the fact that I love him like a son."
"That's sweet, Chandler." Monica said, smiling.
"I really love him. And I want to know if it would be okay with you if I become his father."
Monica was shocked. "What?!" She exclaimed, forgetting Matthew was asleep in the next room.
"I mean I know I am his father legally and everything, but I want to be his father. I want him to call me daddy and I want to be there for him whenever he needs me."
"Chandler…" Monica started.
"No, I know it sounds crazy. But I mean it. I should have been his dad since day one. And if I hadn't been sick, I know I would have been. You know that too, Mon."
"Chandler, I don't know what to say. I mean I would love to say yes. I want Matty to have a dad more than anything, and I've always wanted that person to be you. But are you sure you can handle this right now? And what about California? I mean, I hope you don't expect me to share custody. I couldn't stand being away from him."
"I'll move back here."
"You would do that?" She asked him, practically speechless.
"I'd do anything for him." He told her seriously. "And I would do anything for you."
"Chandler, this is crazy! Look I appreciate the offer, but I'm going to have to say no. I know right now it seems like something you would really want to commit to, but I just can't say yes and have Matthew end up hurt. He loves you and I want it to stay that way."
"Monica, please. Will you think about it? I can't blame you for not trusting it right now but I promise you, I swear on my life, I will never let him down."
"Okay. I will think about it. But I'm going to need some time."
"Thank you." Chandler told her, smiling.