Love without Wings
By: slowqmon
Friendship…
The dictionary defines it as a mutual affection and good will. It's the state of being a friend or of being friends, whatever that means. But what's a friend then? I turned the page and looked up the word friend…
A friend is someone on terms of affection and regard for another who is neither a relative nor lover. I stared at the word 'lover'. Once I started, I couldn't stop thinking about Hikari. I closed the dictionary, lied down and stared at the ceiling. I dreamed about how perfect it would be if Hikari loved me and how perfect it would be if Takeru wasn't in the way.
I chuckled and laughed at myself. How ironic that I hold the Digimental of Friendship and yet I want Takeru, my friend, to disappear. How ironic that I hold the Digimental of Courage and yet I can't confront Hikari and say, 'Hikari, I really like you. In fact, I like you so much that I love you.' I don't know why I didn't though. I thought hard why I didn't and I remembered.
Right…I didn't want to be rejected. I knew she was going to because she and Takeru are so happy together. I remembered the time when Hikari was trapped in the digital world. Well, at least I thought it was the digital world. Takeru thought otherwise, he was right and that's how he found her.
I was worried about Hikari as much as he was. Fate decided that I shouldn't interfere with those two even though that's exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to separate Hikari and Takeru so I could get a chance to speak with Hikari privately, so that I could confess my feelings for her. Several times I had my chance, all the time I blew it.
I'm such a coward.
I noticed that a few days ago, Hikari and Takeru were seeing each other more often. After school, they would always walk home hand in hand ending each session with a kiss. I always walk with them now keeping a close eye on Takeru. Both Hikari and Takeru think I'm irritating and annoying but I don't care what Takeru thinks. I don't care if he treats me as Devimon but if Hikari doesn't like me, that's a whole different story.
Every time Hikari wants me to leave, I follow her orders. Every time Hikari says I'm annoying, I follow with an apology. Every time Hikari wants me to do anything, I follow. I would do anything for her just to be with her, but that's not what she wants is it?
I talked to Taichi asking him why Hikari treated me this way. Taichi was confused to see her darling little sister act badly towards me. It took courage but somehow, I got it to tell him. Isn't it funny how I can tell Taichi these stuff but I can never confess to Hikari?
Anyway, found out Hikari was dating Takeru. No…more than that, they were lovers. If my heart wasn't broken already, it would've shattered to pieces right now. Taichi was surprised on how I took this maturely. I figured out something was going on with Takeru and Hikari. I thought of every possible circumstance and the worst one came true.
How come my dreams never come true but my nightmares always come to haunt me in real life?
I never asked for much. I didn't ask for Christmas presents when I was little, I didn't ask for a good night kiss every night, I didn't ask for a pet to keep me company when I'm alone. I never really asked for anything…except for Hikari to love me.
I'm not that dumb either. So I'm not getting A's in math or science, I'm getting B's and that's not that bad. Yet for some reason, no matter how good I do, no matter how hard I try, I'm always the one that gets insulted for my marks.
I remembered this one time when I got perfect on a test. Everyone was like, 'Oh my god! How did Daisuke get perfect? He must have cheated!' The teacher believed them and I had to write the test again. Except for this time, the teacher made the test much harder on purpose just so that I'd fail. I did fail the test and then everyone called me a cheater. Even though I truthfully said that I didn't and the second test was much harder than the first one…but no one believed me because I'm me.
I hate my life.
If it wasn't for Hikari, I would've killed myself long ago.
Some people would tell me to give up on Hikari. I don't quit. I just don't. Not in this situation at least… unless of course, Hikari absolutely wants me too. I would give up my life for her if she wanted me too. But then again, if Hikari wants me to leave her alone, I would probably kill myself. Probably because that that's the only way for me to leave her alone and partly because I won't have anything to live for.
Takeru…is probably one of my best friends and my worst enemy. If he didn't have a relationship with Hikari, life would be much better. I talked to him yesterday about he and Hikari. Apparently, he loves her just as much as I do. But the difference was that Hikari loved Takeru and not me. And because I love Hikari, I respect her feelings.
Takeru said he knows the pain I'm going through. How could he possibly know the pain I'm going through? So I asked him if he wanted to find out in real life. We both had a good laugh at that since we both knew very well that Hikari would never love anyone else but him.
Takeru would never betray anyone, especially Hikari. The same goes with Hikari. Everyone knows that. But everyone thinks that I would betray a friend for my selfish purposes in a second. Those people must not know me very well.
I remembered the time when Ken was still the Digimon Kaiser. The day he separated everyone from me and supposedly captured everyone. I thought everyone was real so I told Ken to take me instead. How stupid of me not to realize that it was a trap. But it proves that I don't betray my friends…even Takeru.
Takeru, being the kind person he is, wanted me to talk to Hikari privately about this subject. I thought he was joking for a second but he was serious. He wanted me to talk to Hikari. Just talk, no distractions, nothing.
I swear that if some of Hikari's friends heard this, they would say I would take advantage of this and thus, take advantage of her. Just the thought of people saying that made me so mad that I punched the wall beside me. There was a loud bang as my fist came into contact with the wall. It was quite painful but it's nothing compared to the mental anguish I'm going though.
"Daisuke," I heard my mom call, "are you all right?"
"I'm fine mother." I lied. I didn't want her to worry about me.
"What was that noise?" She asked.
"I dropped my textbooks, sorry." I replied and waited for a response. It seems like she bought it. I let out a sigh of relief and rubbed my fist.
I love Hikari. She's the only reason I'm alive. If she's happy, I'm happy. If she's sad, I'm sad. If she's in pain, I'm in pain. If I am forced to do something to her that she doesn't want, I would gladly die than do it.
Anyway, I asked Takeru if Hikari would be ok with this. I remembered his answer quite clearly.
{Flashback}
"I don't understand you Daisuke. What are afraid of? Every time you get a chance to talk with her, you let it slip by you. Why?" Takeru asked me with a confused look.
I sat down and looked up to the skies. "Do you really want to know?"
"I'm just worried, that's all." I continued to stare at the sky wondering whether I should tell him or not. "Well?" He said impatiently waiting for an answer.
"You're the reason." I said. Takeru looked at me for a while trying to figure out why. Sometimes he nodded but other times, he looked dumbfounded. I starred at the sky again, "I don't want to be rejected."
"No one does Daisuke. Did you think I was sure that Hikari loved me instead of you? I was just as scared."
"Yes, but now I know that Hikari doesn't love me…" There was a long pause between us. "And I don't want to believe that."
"You can't force love Daisuke. You have to let it run for itself. You have to let fate run its course." Takeru answered.
"…" I was speechless. As much as I hated to admit, Takeru was right. "Then if Hikari doesn't love me, what's the point of talking to her about this?"
"Hey," Takeru started, "just because she doesn't love you the way she loves me, it doesn't mean she doesn't want to be your friend anymore."
A friend…
That's all I'll ever be…
Nothing more…
"…Fine. I'll talk to her. But let me ask you something…" Takeru nodded at me. "Aren't you afraid?"
Takeru lifted an eyebrow. "Afraid of what?"
"That I might take advantage of this situation and you know…" I drifted off hoping that Takeru got what I meant because I didn't want to say it. It hurts me to even think about it.
He looked confused for a second but then knew what I meant. "Well Daisuke, if you did want to do that, you wouldn't be asking me right now. Secondly, I know you well enough that you love Hikari just as much as I do and you would never do that. But…" Takeru waved a finger at me. "If you do, I'm going to hunt you down even if you travel dimension to dimension and I'm going to rip off your head and kill you with my bare hands!"
I smirked. "Oh really?" Takeru nodded seriously. "Colourful…"
The sound of laughter from Takeru and I was heard throughout the park.
{Flashback ends}
Today is the day that I'm supposed to meet with Hikari. I hope she shows up. But I'm not sure what to say to her. I just hope I won't screw up again.
I opened the door almost ready to leave. "Hey mom! I'm going out for about a hour, be back soon!" I yelled. I grabbed my jacket and put on my shoes.
"Ok. Be careful."
I set off to the park and I glanced at my watch. If I went there now, I would be around fifteen minutes early. I didn't have anything else to do and I couldn't go shopping since all the stores were closed at this time.
While I walked there, I fantasized about Hikari and I being together. How great it would be if we were enjoying the night light together. How great it would be if our lips touched each other's. How great it would be if slept togeth…
I realized my mistake and I slapped myself, literally. I would never try to think I was that close with Hikari partially because she doesn't really love me and partially because she wouldn't want that anyway. I banged my head against the building beside me a couple of times trying to get the thought out of me.
I know I'm probably taking this a little too seriously but love is serious, very serious. It can either send you to paradise, or tear yourself apart. And love to me is doing just that, it's killing me from the inside out.
I got up and looked at my watch again. Great, now I'm five minutes late. I sure know how to spend my precious time.
I ran towards the park to where Takeru and I talked yesterday. Takeru told me to meet her there. Honestly, I'm quite nervous and probably will be even more when I see her. God, I'm so useless.
I arrived at the park and from where I stood, I could see her leaning by the tree patiently waiting for me. I smiled at the sight of her and felt a shock of tranquility throughout me. I wish I could see her more often.
"Hey Hikari," I said walking up to her, "sorry I was late. I kind of lost track of time."
She smiled at me. How I wish I could keep that smile going forever but my luck was never great. She quickly looked worried. "Daisuke? Doesn't that hurt?"
"Huh?" I was extremely confused. "What are you talking about?"
"You have a big graze on your forehead and it's bleeding." She said taking out a kleenex from a package in her pocket.
I touched my forehead with a finger. It stung a little and I noticed the blood on the finger. I must of hit myself a little too hard. "Nah, it's nothing."
"What are you talking about? Sit down." She ordered me. I sat down on the ground. She kneeled down in front of me, took the kleenex she had and started to clean the blood off. "Doesn't it hurt?" She asked as if she was guilty of the wound.
I didn't even realize I had a wound on me until she pointed it out. "I told you, it's nothing. You don't have to worry about it."
She finished cleaning it after a while but then sighed. "I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"You probably fell on your way here and since you were so urgent to get here to see me, you probably didn't even care. That's why I'm sorry." She said avoiding eye contact.
"Hey," I reassured, "I wouldn't blame you for anything and you shouldn't feel sorry for yourself, it's a bad habit." I said knowing very well that what I said is self-contradicting.
"I'm still sorry." She replied.
"Forget about it. Plus, we have more urgent things to discuss about." She nodded and sat down beside the tree. I followed beside her.
I was right. I didn't know what to say…well, I knew what I had to say but I didn't know where to start.
"So what do you want to say?" Hikari asked.
I shrugged knowing very well what I had to say. "I don't know. Takeru wanted me to talk to you privately, I thought you had something to say."
"Sorry, but that's not what Takeru said to me and he doesn't lie." Damn, I hoped she wouldn't know but then again, I could get straight to the point. "He said you wanted to talk to me and something about if I don't come back by a specific time, he said he would do something colourful whatever that meant."
I laughed at that comment. "Did he really say that?" Hikari nodded. "Then I better get straight to the point."
'Here comes the hurricane.' I thought to myself. I sighed and looked at her straight in the eye. "You know how Takeru really really likes you?" She nodded. "Well, I really really like you too."
"Well, I already knew that. You know, you being jealous every time Takeru gets near me." Hikari said.
Damn it, already I made a fool of myself. Maybe I'm being too childish. "No, I meant I love you." I blurted out.
Hikari's face blanked out but after a while, they returned to normal. "Well Daisuke, I never knew. I mean I knew Takeru loved me with all his heart but I didn't know you did too." She paused. "I don't know what to say."
"Don't say anything, please. I just wanted you to know that I love you too." I said on the verge of breaking down.
"I love Takeru though. I'll always love him." I just nodded with my eyes closed. "But…"
She was having trouble expressing herself. "Don't worry. I understand." I replied with my eyes still closed.
I felt her lips touched mine. I let myself give in knowing that this is the only time she will ever do this. I just savoured the moment. I could never have imagined being this close to Hikari. Even in my god-forsaken life, I never would have thought that I would actually be able to kiss Hikari. Suddenly, life didn't seem so bad.
She let go even though I wanted to continue on. "Thanks, for understanding." I nodded mournfully.
She got up and started to walk away. I watched her go but then she stopped and turned around. "We're still friends right?"
"Only friends?" I begged for something more.
She smirked knowing very well what I wanted. "Sorry Daisuke, I love Takeru." I looked down at the ground knowing that I've lost. "But think of our friendship as…" She paused. "Love without wings ok?"
Love without wings.
Perhaps I can live with that, perhaps I cannot. We'll just have to see how my life plays out. Maybe my love for her will always stay grounded, maybe my love for her will one day soar through the skies. I can only wait and let fate decide my future.
Love without wings. I really like the sound of that. It just popped into my head one day. Life is full of surprises even though it may be just as sad as Daisuke's. Hey! Review the story!