DISCLAIMER: Scarecrow and Mrs. King are the property of Warner Brothers and Shoot the Moon Productions. My use of these characters is intended purely for entertainment, a few laughs, and maybe a sigh or two.
Author: Merel Inglis
Time Frame: Takes place after the show ended, the marriage is common knowledge
Rating: PG-13
Archive: Will be available at Blue Boxers and Beyond (www.geocities.com/blueboxersandbeyond); all others, ask first
Author's Notes: Once again, thank you, Pam, for taking the time to beta-read for me. Your feedback and interest in this story is much appreciated.
Feedback: Definitely! Absolutely! Positively!
Great Expectations 11/15
Amanda surveyed the crowded room. The Lamaze class would be starting soon and a dozen or so couples were beginning to make themselves comfortable on the mats that covered the room's hardwood floor. Damn. He's going to be late. I just knew it.
She clutched the pillow she was carrying to her chest and looked once again towards the door, hoping to catch sight of her husband. A wrinkle creased her brow as she frowned and looked about her at all the other expectant parents. All the good spots were being staked out. There was no way she'd even be able to get down to the floor without Lee's help. She scowled once again.
"Excuse me." A hand on her shoulder and a deep voice in her ear brought her out of her thoughts of how best to torture Scarecrow when she caught up with him later that evening.
She turned to find herself looking into the bluest eyes she'd ever seen. A smile she couldn't quite seem to control formed on her lips. She tugged at the over-sized sweatshirt she wore and wondered vaguely if she had remembered to brush her hair before leaving for the class.
"Look, I hope I'm not being too forward, but my wife and I noticed you don't have a partner for the class."
He was tall; even taller than Lee, Amanda speculated, looking up into his startling blue eyes. His dark hair and finely chiseled features put him in what Dotty would have called the "drop dead good looking" category. "Oh, ah, yes." Amanda stumbled over her words, still unable to wipe off the silly grin she knew adorned her face. "I mean, no… I have a partner. I have a husband. He's just not here… yet… ah… he seems to be running late."
"Yeah, I kinda figured that. It happens. He grinned, devastating dimples peeking out from his cheeks. "Sandra and I… well, if you want, you can join us. We've been through this three times already, so we're old hands. If you need a hand, just until your husband gets here, we'd be happy to help out. "
"Oh, that's so kind of you--" Amanda swallowed, looking around the room uncertainly.
"Ted," he offered along with his hand.
Amanda clutched her pillow in one arm, extending her hand and watching in a daze as it disappeared into his larger one.
"Amanda King… ah… Stetson," she replied, flustered.
"This is Sandra, my wife." Ted gestured to the floor where an attractive blond woman was sitting cross-legged on the floor.
"Hi, Amanda… come on down and join us." The blond smiled and pointed to the empty spot on the mat next to them. "I'm sure your husband will be along shortly."
"I'm sure he will," Amanda smiled nervously. "If he knows what's good for him," she muttered under her breath. She took Ted's hand and allowed him to help her into a sitting position on the mat.
"Is this your first?" Sandra asked.
"Oh, gosh, no… my third actually. But it's been a while… and it's my husband's first child," Amanda supplied, feeling rather strange offering up this information to total strangers.
"Number four for us," Sandra sighed, taking Ted's hand in hers. "Did you go through natural childbirth with your other children?"
"No, I didn't, and I have to say the thought of it is a little overwhelming," Amanda admitted.
"Oh, you'll be fine," Sandra reassured her. "The classes are great, they really help prepare you."
Amanda glanced around at the other couples, not totally convinced. She'd had anesthesia with both Phillip and Jamie and she wasn't relishing the idea of what she'd face with 'natural' childbirth. But she wanted to give it a try. She felt, somehow, that she had missed out by not being more alert during the births of the boys. She placed her hand on her distended abdomen and made the soft circles that the instructor was now leading them through. She tried to relax her body and her mind, focusing on her breathing. This time around she'd be awake for the birth of her baby, and she'd have Lee there to lean on and share the experience with. She squinted at the wall clock. Seven thirty. Where the hell was he???
******
Lee Stetson slipped into the classroom with as much stealth as he could manage. He knew Amanda was already going to be ticked at him and he didn't want to add to that by drawing any unwanted attention to himself. Unfortunately, the heavy wooden door had other plans and banged closed behind him with a loud thud. A few pairs of eyes turned towards the commotion of his entrance. He searched for the familiar brown ones he loved, nearly tripping over several people and his own feet at the image his eyes finally landed on.
His wife was sitting on the floor, leaning back into the arms of a man he didn't recognize. Of course, he didn't recognize anyone in the class… but then none of the others had their hands on his wife. His eyes narrowed as he watched their two dark heads bent in concentration. The man's hands overlying Amanda's, trailing circles along the sides and top of her very pregnant stomach. She was breathing deeply and calmly, and the man was murmuring something in her ear.
Lee waited until the current exercise had ended, then walked tentatively over to where Amanda sat. When Amanda and the man had separated, he made his presence known with a small cough.
Amanda looked around, pulling her attention away from the instructor, who was going over the next set of exercises. Her lips set in a frown as she caught his gaze. She purposely looked at her watch and then back at her husband.
"I'm sorry," he mouthed, his eyebrows raised imploringly. He flung his coat along the wall and knelt down beside Amanda, pressing a gentle kiss to her cheek. The scent of an after-shave he would have never worn prickled in his nose and he shot a look at the man who was now supporting the pillow and body of the blond woman next to them.
"By the way, nice entrance, Stetson," Amanda whispered. "The only thing missing was you coming in gun first."
"I didn't think you'd noticed." He frowned, once again perusing the dark-haired man out of the corner of his eye. Noticing the frosty tone of Amanda's voice, however, he offered up an excuse. "They nailed Bancroft this afternoon… I had to meet with Billy and sit in on the interrogation. Did I miss anything?"
"Not too much," Amanda relented, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. She watched him watch Ted. She snuggled back into his arms and smiled. "The instructor went over the class schedule. We've done some breathing exercises… nothing I can't get you up to speed on."
"Uh huh," Lee grunted, still watching Ted. "So who's the bozo that was with you when I came in?"
Amanda pursed her lips, fighting back a smile. "Oh, that would be Ted," she offered, knowing that little piece of information would never satisfy Scarecrow. His jealousy and protectiveness of her never failed to amuse her. She found it an endearing and highly predictable quality. She settled back into his arms, waiting for the inevitable.
"Oh, Ted, huh?" Lee spoke as if the name left a sour taste in his mouth. "How do you know this guy?"
"Lee," she sighed. "He and his wife, Sandra, offered to help me out… seeing as how my husband was late." She put added emphasis on the last word. "He's very nice."
"Yeah, well… I'd rather he not be so 'very nice' with my wife." Lee glanced down at the top of Amanda's head, giving up his hurt feelings and annoyance in the face of the joy he felt in having her in his arms. "Geez, Amanda, I can't leave you alone for a minute. Even seven months pregnant, you're a man magnet. Guess that will teach me not to be late."
"Yes, I guess it will," she laughed. Looking up into his face, she grinned. "Look, I can't help it if men… all men… find me dangerously attractive." She linked her fingers over her stomach and batted her eyelashes.
"Well, I just want you to focus on one man finding you dangerously attractive. Specifically, the man that got you into this… " he rubbed his hands lovingly over her stomach, "shape."
"Yeah," Amanda sighed, struggling to sit up and turn towards him. "I really want to thank you for that," she smirked, pulling his head down towards hers.
The tender kiss they shared was interrupted by the instructor beginning the next exercise. A large grocery bag was passed around, each couple was instructed to pull out an item, identify it, and explain its use.
The first couple pulled out a pacifier; the second, a package of disposable diapers.
"Oh, this is too easy," Lee murmured, a little disappointed that the class seemed so elementary. He didn't know what he was envisioning or hoping for, but this wasn't it.
The bag rounded the group and shortly landed in Ted and Sharon's hands. They pulled from its depths a bottlebrush, then passed the bag along to Lee and Amanda.
Amanda motioned for Lee to do the honors. Seeing the other items and feeling relatively certain that he'd be pulling out something along the lines of a rattle or teething ring, he gave Amanda a smug look and confidently dug deep within the bag.
He eyes clouded with doubt as he surveyed the strange object he'd withdrawn from the bag. He peered over at Amanda for help, but the look she gave him told him that she was going to leave this in his capable hands.
"Ah, well, this is obviously a… ah… " He turned the item over in his hands, his mind running through a hundred possibilities of how this item might function. It looked vaguely like something he'd once in used Afghanistan to defuse a bomb, but he was fairly certain it had a more mundane use. He ran his hands over it, tilting it this way and that in his effort to identify it. He looked up at his fellow classmates, smiling weakly, and cleared his throat. Glancing over at Amanda he found her looking up at the ceiling, lightly whistling under her breath. Biting the ego bullet, he sheepishly backed down. "Ah, I have no idea what this thing is."
"Anyone?" the instructor urged.
Ted immediately raised his hand. "It's a breast pump," he offered, smiling over at Lee.
Lee immediately dropped the item back into the bag as though it had burned his hand.
****
"You know, you're a crazy person." Amanda couldn't stop her laughter as she sipped the herbal tea that the hospital provided during the break.
"I don't see the humor in any of this," Lee said tightly, stirring his coffee.
"Oh, please, Lee," Amanda sighed, wiping at a tear with a Kleenex she pulled from the pocket of her sweats. "You would have thought that breast pump had bitten you," she chuckled.
"Not funny," he huffed, shooting her a warning look.
"And then you and Ted… competing like two children," she leaned in and whispered to him. "You know, Lamaze breathing should not be a contest. You're not supposed to see who can make his wife hyperventilate first."
"Oh, now you're exaggerating." Lee looked over at her. "Besides, I was not competing with that jerk. He was competing with me."
"Oh, I think both of you were competing to be the most obnoxious." She smiled, moving away from the table and motioning Lee to follow her. They stood in the corner of the room as the other couples milled about, enjoying the break.
"The guy just thinks he knows everything," Lee spat out in exasperation.
"Oh, like someone else I know," Amanda smiled.
"I do not think I know everything." Off her look he piped up again. "I don't!"
Amanda rolled her eyes. "Yeah, well, after my previous experience and watching that movie, I can guarantee you, you don't know everything."
His mind off Ted for a moment, Lee thought back to the childbirth movie the instructor had just finished showing. "Hey, what was with that movie? That thing was frightening."
"They want you prepared, Scarecrow. It's not like on television where you boil water, fold some blankets, grunt and push for a minute or two, and, poof, you have a baby."
"I know that," he sighed. "It just seemed so…" He glanced over at Amanda, not wanting to say the wrong thing and yet feeling like he had to talk with her about this. "… so painful. Are you sure you want to go through with this?"
A small smile formed on her lips. "At this point, Scarecrow, I don't think we have much choice."
"I mean natural childbirth. You know that's not our only option."
"Are you having second thoughts?" She looked over at him.
"Who, me? No… no… I just want to make sure this is what you want," he responded immediately, trying to sound as supportive as his nervous system would allow. He reached over, enfolding her hand in his.
"It is… as long as I know you'll be there with me." Amanda watched his profile as he surveyed the classroom. She recognized the tension in his body and tried to gauge the level of his discomfort and fear. She knew he felt overwhelmed by much of this, despite his sometimes cavalier attitude. The two parts of his being were at war over this. Scarecrow didn't want to admit that there was anything he couldn't do… Lee was afraid he wouldn't be what she needed him to be. And in his usual attempts to sidestep anything emotionally difficult, Lee was eager to let Scarecrow handle this situation.
"I will be," Lee's hazel eyes swept back to capture hers. "You couldn't keep me away."
Her body relaxed. The look in his eyes reassured her that no matter what, he'd always be there for her. He'd work through these fears. They both would, together. She'd already known that… in her heart. It was just that, every once in a while, her mind had to hear it, see it in his eyes. "Okay, so no more one-upmanship with Ted then?"
"Hey, I didn't start it… " Lee bristled.
"I don't care who started it," Amanda interrupted, feeling like she was scolding one of the boys.
"Look, I just don't like the guy, okay?" Lee offered weakly.
"Yeah, I know," Amanda sighed. "I also think we can safely say that he feels pretty much the same about you."
"Good," Lee grunted. "A mutual dis-admiration society."
Amanda bit her bottom lip, hesitating on her next words. "Which is not going to be easy, considering… "
Lee's jaw tensed. "Considering what?"
Amanda watched the play of his jaw muscles. She took a deep breath. In for a penny, in for a pound. "That Sandra invited us over to their house for dinner next weekend… "
Lee shot her an incredulous look.
She gave him her best smile. "And, I accepted."
"You what???" he exclaimed, his voice hitting an octave higher than Amanda thought he was capable of.
As she opened her mouth to respond, she found herself being none-too-gently shoved to the side as a rather tall, and obviously bleached, blond threw herself at Lee, giving him a full body bear hug. Since she was at least as pregnant as Amanda was, this was no easy feat and the force of the embrace nearly knocked Scarecrow over.
"Lee Stetson! You hound, you!!" the blond exclaimed in an exaggerated southern drawl. "Oh mah gawd, I don't buh-lieve it!"
"Oh-my-god," Lee echoed back, a look of panic crowding out the annoyance that had been there only seconds before. He would have recognized this woman anywhere. The hair, the voice, the accent, the pink-on-pink velour sweat suit… "Crystal," he croaked.
"Crystal?" Amanda's eyes snapped over to the tall blond, taking an instant assessment. Tall, thin, blue eyes, big breasts. She narrowed her eyes. The infamous Crystal. She'd had a lengthy discussion with Lee concerning this woman; it had been an integral part of the 'truth or dare' session they'd shared one afternoon in the Q-bureau.
Amanda knew of the multitudes of women that had pranced their way through Lee Stetson's rumpled bedclothes. Most of them she easily dismissed. One-night stands and encounters with Russian tumblers and over-sexed violinist in the line of duty were of no threat to her. Tawdry? Yes. Immature? Yes. Annoying? Yes. But threatening? No. There were a few women, however, that had gotten under Amanda's skin… mostly because she'd known they'd gotten under Scarecrow's. Leslie, Dorothy, and Eva, to name three. However, she'd gotten to know the fine points of his relationship with these women in intimate detail.
Leslie, Amanda knew, had simply been Lee's way of fighting off his growing attraction towards his partner. An Amanda clone that had everything he wanted and, yet, amazingly, wasn't who he wanted at all.
In Eva's case, perhaps Amanda had been acquainted with the details of their history together a bit too intimately. She could still draw up within her mind the look on Lee's face when he had first been reunited with his old love. But what was over was over. Lee had said that himself.
Dorothy perhaps had been the hardest memory for her deal with. She was gone, never to return… taken from Lee before he'd really had the chance to figure out where she fit into his life. Who knows what would have happened if only… but again, it didn't play out that way.
But Crystal… Crystal had been another matter. All the other women that had paraded into Lee's life had paraded out with only a brief notation in his black books to mark the occasion. Except for Crystal. She'd been around long enough to leave behind a little momento. That sleazy, cheap, Pepto Bismol pink robe. She knew it was such a petty thing to dwell on, but that robe had really bothered Amanda. It might have been jammed back in his closet with all the sports coats and suits Lee'd grown tired of, but it had still been there. Sharing his apartment with him. Taking up space in his life. It was still around, balled up in the bottom of a plastic bag full of old clothes that neither of them ever remembered to take to the local shelter. Not that she'd wish that robe on anyone… not even a homeless person. Now she finally had a chance to meet this woman. She of the pink acetate bathrobe and, Amanda was sure, although Lee would never admit to it, the half empty bottle of Jean Nate she'd found dropped behind the sink in his bathroom.
"Crystal," Amanda crooned, plastering a sweet as sugar smile on her face. "So nice to met you!"
Crystal turned and smiled at the brunette. "It is?" she questioned, taking the hand that Amanda offered her.
"Oh, excuse my husband," Amanda laughed, giving Lee a whack in the chest that made him cough and rub his sternum gingerly. "He's never been known for his manners, now has he? I'm Amanda. Amanda Stetson." Not sure of the Bimbo Factor involved, and despite the fact that her name didn't end, as many of Lee's past liaison's had, in an "i" with a big smiley face for a dot, Amanda figured she'd play it safe and spell it out for her a bit more completely. "As in, Lee's wife."
"Oh, really." Crystal's eyes narrowed. "So you're the gal that finally hawg-tied ole Lee."
"Yeeeesssss," Amanda drawled out. "The old hog-tier, that would be me."
Lee grimaced as he watched his old girlfriend and his wife inch closer to one another. It was an eerie image. Both women tall, pregnant, and hormonally driven… it was, he thought, like watching Godzilla and Rodan face off in some old Japanese movie. You know what's going to happen and yet you hope beyond hope that something stops it before any blood is shed or some city is stepped on.
As luck would have it, the instructor began flickering the lights, ending the break and signaling everyone to take their seats. Godzilla and Rodan paused and Tokoyo was saved. Lee let out the breath he didn't even realize he had been holding.
"What a shame," Lee sighed, capturing Amanda with an arm around her shoulders. "Looks like we're going to have cut this short. Back to business."
"Yes," Amanda murmured, "what a shame. But we have six more classes together. I'm sure that we can catch up another time."
"Great," Crystal chimed in, not willing to give Amanda an inch. "You'll have to meet mah husband, Barry. Barry Richards."
"Barry Richards? The center for the Washington Redskins?" Lee gulped.
"Yeeessss," Crystal smiled smugly, then turned on her heel.
"Oh, goody, can't wait. Buh-bye." Amanda chirped, smiling and waving at the departing woman like some sort of deranged airline hostess.
They watched as Crystal moved to the opposite side of the room and snuggled up against a gigantic mountain of a man. The man bent down from his massive height and Crystal, standing on tiptoe, whispered something in his ear and then, smiling, pointed and waved at Lee and Amanda. The man did not smile. He did not wave. He did, however, glare at Lee.
"Oh, that'll be fun, huh, Lee?" Amanda chortled, walking back to their place on the mat. She called back to him over her shoulder. "Remind me to bring her bathrobe in to class next week…I'm sure she'll be happy to have it back."
To Be Continued