Chapter 2

Vicki Ann ran into her quarters. She shouldn't have let the synthehol go to her head. She
had made an absolute fool of herself in Ten-Forward. She sat down on her bed and put her
face in her hands. How could she let this happen? She was supposed to be the one in
control of her emotions and she had let them run wild. She took her communicator off and
placed it on the night stand. She picked up the picture of her and Riker. How stupid she
had been. Had she really thought she could make someone forget their Imzadi?

Rage boiled inside of her, which was something she hadn't felt very much before.
Victorianna Leonard had always pretended to be content, so much that she began to
believe she actually felt that way. She had spent her life dealing with and adapting to
everything life threw at her. Until now. She had finally cracked. After all the years of
abuse by Gerard, the situation with the Q, and her own anger from childhood at her
biological parents, all of it had finally come to the surface. And for once in her life,
Victorianna Leonard, now Troi, was truly angry. Not slightly upset and yet understanding.
She was angry. And it scared her. Never before had her emotions gone out of control like
this. The calm, collected doctor was losing control. And with that loss of control, went her
sanity.

She threw the picture across the room. It hit the wall and the glass shattered all over the
floor. It didn't make her feel any better, although she had thought it would. Vicki Ann got
up and walked over to the window. For the first time in her life, she felt lost. She was all
alone in the universe. She had no Jadzia to send a subspace to, telling her that she had
been transferred to the Enterprise, no one to tell her that they loved her and that she
comprised their entire world. She had no one. Everyone was gone or had some tie to her
anger. Part of her started to make 'what ifs.' What if she had gone back to the Continuum
with Q? She would have never gotten involved with Will and she could have saved Jadzia.
What if she had accepted the assignment on Voyager? She never would have know any of
this and she might have been a happier person.

No, she thought to herself. She would have missed Starfleet if she'd gone off with Q and if
she'd gone on Voyager, she'd have missed Jadzia. That didn't matter now, though,
because she missed Jadzia anyway. Vicki Ann put her face in her hands and cried. As she
sat up and glanced out the window, she caught sight of her wrist. She was still wearing
the silver bracelet Riker had given her. She had forgotten to take it off. She ran her
fingers along the links. She took it off and held it in her hand. The door chimed. Vicki Ann
quickly wiped her tears away. "Come in," she called. She figured it was Beverly coming to
see what had happened earlier and to see how Vicki Ann was doing.

Deanna entered. Very hesitantly. "Vicki Ann?"

"What do you want?" Vicki Ann yelled from the bedroom.

"I thought maybe you wanted to tell me what's going on."

"Not particularly."

"Well, I'm not really giving you a choice."

"What if I don't tell you?"

"Then I will be forced to go to Captain Picard and tell him that I believe you should be
relieved of duty because of emotional instability."

"The counselor is playing dirty now, is she?"

Deanna sensed the anger in Vicki Ann's words. "I'm just doing my job. I'm trying to help
you."

"I don't need your help."

Deanna sighed. "Vicki Ann, no one will tell me what's going on. All I know is that you're
very angry with me and Will and you're dealing with a tremendous loss. Maybe if you'll tell
me why, I can understand."

Vicki Ann came out into the living room. "Stop analyzing me! You can't understand! You
haven't lost two of your best friends. You haven't realized that your life for the past three
months has been a lie. You are not losing control. Therefore, you cannot understand!"

"Vicki Ann, I can try."

"I wish everyone would stop trying to understand and mind their own business. This whole
concept of understanding is a sham. I don't understand. I don't understand how someone
could kill someone as sweet and innocent as Jadzia. I don't understand how Will could do
what he did. And I don't understand how you can be so absolutely clueless as to what is
going on around you? After all, it is all about you isn't it? Everything is about you."

Deanna was stunned. "Me? What are you talking about?"

"Oh come on, Deanna. I find it really hard to believe that you had absolutely no idea that
it was all about you."

"What is all about me?"

"Everything! Everything where Will is concerned. It's all about you. Everything he does,
everything he thinks, is about you!"

"If everything was about me, then why has he been with you for the past three months?"

"Don't you see, Deanna? When he was looking at me, he saw you. When he kissed me, he
was thinking of you. Indirectly. I reminded him of you."

Deanna gasped. "Vicki Ann, you have to be making this up."

"I'm not! He admitted to it! After I told him that I'd figured it out."

Deanna shook her head. "I don't believe this."

"Believe it, Deanna. It's all about you."

Vicki Ann had emphasized the last part, her words stinging Deanna like a slap across the
face. "I'm sorry, but it wasn't my fault."

"It wasn't? Even when you were engaged to Worf, he still hoped that the two of you
would get back together. He went to Betazed to tell you how he felt. To try and win you
back. He risked his life to save you. I think that indicates some feelings other than
friendship! And you never said or did anything to make him think otherwise!"

Deanna was starting to get angry. "Stop treating me as if I'm absolutely stupid!"

"Well, it seems that way. You're absolutely oblivious to something that is as plain as the
nose on your face!"

"Well, it's not as if we haven't seen other people! I almost married Worf, remember?"

"I know. You keep reminding everyone of that fact so that we'll think you don't have
feelings for Will anymore."

"I do not!"

"Yes, you do! You love playing hard to get!"

"Vicki Ann!"

"Don't even deny it, Deanna." She walked over to Deanna and placed the bracelet in
Deanna's hand. "Here, just take this and go. It was probably meant for you anyway." The
door chimed. "Come in!"

Riker entered.

"Both of you, get out!" Vicki Ann screamed.

Riker sighed. Then he got an idea. He crossed his arms and said, "I'm not leaving until we
talk."

Vicki Ann scowled at him. "Very funny. Now, leave!"

Riker shook his head. "Sorry. Turnabout is fair play."

"Too bad this isn't a game," Vicki Ann replied dryly.

Riker decided to try a different tactic. He went over to Vicki Ann tried to move her into
the other room. She resisted so he picked her up and slung her over his shoulder. She
kicked her legs out, trying to get free, but he had a tight grip.

"Let me go!"

Riker shook his head. ""Sorry, Vicki Ann, but I'm stronger than you."

Deanna had to try very hard not to laugh.

Riker carried Vicki Ann into the bedroom and sat her down on the edge of the bed. She
crossed her arms across her chest defiantly. She was absolutely furious with him. He didn't
need to be empathic to figure that out. He pulled up a chair across from her and sat down.
"Now we're going to talk."

"No, we're not."

"This sounds familiar. Come on, Vicki Ann, what happened? I thought things were okay
between us."

"I lied."

"Obviously. Why?"

"Because I've been taught to keep my emotions under control and being angry would
violate that control."

"You're allowed to be angry."

"I know. . . . but I was afraid of losing control."

"It's a little too late for that."

Vicki Ann gave Riker a dirty look.

"I'll tell you what I think happened. You never expressed your anger period. Ever.
Remember you told me that when you were little, you thought that your biological parents
had abandoned you? And that made you angry, but I'll bet you never expressed it. Same
thing with Gerard, and the situation with the Q. The thing with us was your breaking point.
And Jadzia's death didn't help, either. Do you agree with me or am I absolutely crazy?"

"Did you ever consider becoming a ship's counselor?" she replied sarcastically.

"Now, I want you to tell me how you felt when you found out about Deanna."

"You really want to know?"

Riker nodded.

Vicki Ann slapped him.

Riker, stunned, stared at her. "That wasn't what I meant. I wanted you to tell me, not hit
me!"

She shrugged. "It was my first reaction."

"Are you finished?"

"Not really, but I don't think I'm much of a match for you."

"Well, try. Do what you wanted to do before. Say what you wanted to say. Tell me how
you felt."

Vicki Ann stood up and paced. "Well, I first I did what I was supposed to do, understand.
Rationalize it. Then after Julian contacted me about Jadzia, my emotional control broke
down. All the anger I had bottled up over the years was suddenly boiling inside me. I
wanted to somehow make you feel as bad as I did."

"Feeling bad is a general term, Vicki Ann. Be more descriptive. How did you feel?"

She looked at him, her eyes turning a dark blue, much like the ocean on a stormy night. "I
felt as if you had ripped my heart out and stomped on it right in front of me."

"That's better. What did you want to do about?"

She was obviously very annoyed by his 'counseling' and this made her angrier. "I wanted
to rip your throat out!" she screamed at him with a ferocity that rivaled a Klingon's.

Riker, startled, leaned away from her in his chair. "Good," he said, swallowing. "Anything
else? Anything toward Deanna?"

"Yes. I blamed her. For not ending things with you long ago. For leaving everything
hanging between you two. Neither of you ever officially ended it. Even when she was
engaged to Worf. I was angry at her for not doing anything. For letting you believe that
there was still a chance that the two of you might get back together."

"Did you want to rip her throat out?"

"No, as angry as I was, she's still my sister. So I started directing all my anger at you,
until tonight in Ten-Forward."

"But you were never mean or cold towards me until tonight in Ten-Forward."

"I felt I had to maintain emotional control. That I had to hide my feelings. It made me sick
to my stomach to act as if everything was fine, but I felt I had to do it. I mean how would
you feel if you went to Deanna for counsel and she was obviously preoccupied with her
own problems? I can't let my emotions get in the way when I'm practicing medicine or
operating the conn! I could saw off somebody's arm or fly the ship into a black hole."

"Well then, what about when you're off duty? Why couldn't you express and deal with your
feelings then?"

"When did I have time? I have friends here, I'm expected to spend time with them, with
you. What do you think would happen if I showed up at poker on Tuesday and didn't speak
to you and Deanna or snapped every time someone spoke to me?"

"It probably wouldn't go over very well."

"Exactly."

"Okay. What about after when you went back to your quarters?"

"I guess I got so used to bottling everything up that I never stopped. You know, old habits
die hard."

"True. Still feeling angry?"

"Will you stop that?"

"What?"

"Counseling me!"

"You sound angry."

"That's because I am!"

"So let it out!"

"Sometimes I wish I'd never met you! Half of our relationship has been us fighting! Before it
was because each of us thought we'd hurt the other moving too fast after the party.
Then it was because you were being such a jerk because you were jealous of Q. Now it's
because you were an absolute jackass and were absolutely oblivious to your own feelings!
You've had these feelings for Deanna for fifteen years and you've been hiding them for
fifteen years. You should have known better than to get into a relationship with her sister!
I should have known better."

"So you're not only mad at me, you're mad at yourself."

"Yes, I was so stupid! I actually thought that someone could forget their Imzadi and worse
yet, I thought that someone could love me."

"What are you talking about?"

"I should have known better. Why would a handsome, normal, respected officer like you
love someone like me? The only men that fall for me are mentally unstable. I'm a
psycho-magnet. Everyone who claims to love me, hurts me. Why did I think it would be
any different with you?"

"Why would you think that, Vicki Ann? For crying out loud, your were Valedictorian of your
class at the Academy. You are a first class pilot and you're a senior officer on the flagship
of the fleet. You helped to detain a psychotic Q. You got the President's Award for
Distinguished Medicine. You're considerate and caring and almost everyone who's ever met
you loves you, with the exception of a few psychopaths. Now, where is this low
self-esteem coming from?"

"I don't know, I'm not a psychologist! Ask Deanna!"

"I'll bet I know."

"Well, tell me oh, wise one."

He ignored her sarcasm. "Remember when you told me that before you found out about
the experiment that you were angry that your biological parents abandoned you?"

"Yes, yes. You brought it up before. What's your point?"

"You feel that your parents abandoned you because you weren't good enough. So you
kept doing everything you could that you thought would please your adoptive parents so
they wouldn't abandon you; working hard in school, trying to be the good daughter and
stay engaged to Gerard even though he beat the shit out of you everyday, becoming a
doctor, not getting angry or upset. How's that sound? Am I crazy or what?"

Vicki Ann laughed. "Well, you are crazy, but that beside the point. Seriously, did you ever
consider being a ship's counselor? I really think Deanna has rubbed off on you." She
sighed. "But you're right."

"Now do you have all that anger out of your system or are you going to hit me again?"

"Why are you afraid that I would hurt you?"

Riker acted coy. "No, of course not."

Vicki Ann stood up and adopted a fighting stance. "Come on, Commander, do you want to
fight me?"

Riker laughed and stood up. They circled each other and Riker grabbed Vicki Ann around
the waist and lifted her up onto his shoulder.

Laughing, Vicki Ann hit Riker's back and screamed, "Put me down!"

Deanna came running in and started laughing when she saw them.

Vicki Ann repeated, "Put me down!"

Riker dropped her onto the bed.

"Just wait. I'll get you when you're not expecting it," Vicki Ann told Riker. She looked at
her sister. "Deanna, I'm sorry for everything I said to you. I didn't mean any of it. I was
angry and had absolutely no idea what I was saying."

Deanna, smiling, came over and sat down beside Vicki Ann on the bed. "I know you're
sorry. You're also going through a rough time. Jadzia was a very good friend of yours and
therefore you're taking her death pretty hard and it's carrying over into everything else."

Vicki Ann nodded. She hugged Deanna.

"I feel left out," Riker teased from the middle of the room.

Deanna and Vicki Ann looked at each other. They got up, went over to Riker, kissed him on
the cheek and gave him a hug.

Riker laughed. "It's not everyday I get kissed by two beautiful women."

"Oh, I thought that was part of your daily routine," Vicki Ann replied.

Riker gave her a look.

"Just kidding."

Deanna slipped the bracelet Vicki Ann had given her into Riker's hand.

Riker winked at Deanna and then placed the bracelet in Vicki Ann's hand. "Here, this is
yours."

"Are you sure it wasn't meant for Deanna?" Vicki Ann asked quietly.

Riker shook his head. "Yes, I'm sure. It was meant for you, my friend."

Vicki Ann hugged him. "Thanks. You don't know how much it means to have not lost every
friend in the universe."