Chapter 3
Vicki Ann stepped into the shuttle. Once again, Starfleet had requested her presence at a
medical conference. This time the conference was on Earth. She was leaving early so that
she could stop at Deep Space Nine for a few days. She needed to talk to some people
who had known Jadzia so that they could share memories and help ease their pain. It had
been tough, going through each day, knowing that the universe was out of whack
because Jadzia was gone. She'd talked to Deanna about it and Deanna had suggested
leaving early so that Vicki Ann could visit Worf, Julian and everyone else that had known
Jadzia. She waved to Riker and Deanna, who were seeing her off, and climbed in the
shuttle.
Vicki Ann walked past the science station on Deep Space Nine. She felt a twinge of
sadness overcome her at the sight of Jadzia's old post. Instead of Jadzia, there was a
someone else. Then she noticed a small woman with short brown hair walking by the
station. Vicki Ann turned to go towards the infirmary when the woman said to her, "Hello,
Vicki Ann."
Vicki Ann turned around and stared at the woman. This must be Dax's new host. "Hi."
"I know this must be hard for you, seeing me so soon after Jadzia's death."
Vicki Ann nodded. "I haven't quite come to terms with it yet. That's the reason why I'm
here."
Dax nodded. "Maybe we can talk some other time."
Vicki Ann nodded slowly and repeated, "Some other time."
"Vicki Ann!" Julian Bashir's voice called from across the room.
Vicki Ann smiled and ran over to him. "Hello, Julian."
He saw the tears that were forming in her eyes. He hugged her.
"What was that for?" she asked as she pulled away.
"You looked like you needed it."
She smiled. "You were right."
"How are you doing?"
"Not very good."
"Come on, let's go get a cup of coffee."
Vicki Ann and Bashir sat at Quark's bar.
"Has Worf improved any?" Vicki Ann asked.
Bashir nodded. "For a while his attention was focused on making sure that Jadzia got into
Sto-Vo-Kor. He had to win a battle in her name. For him, the war with the Dominion was
preferable. The attack on the shipyard was the battle."
"Ouch. That's a lot to carry on your shoulders."
"Well, Worf has broad shoulders."
Vicki Ann smiled. "True."
"I thought that you weren't stopping by until you went home next month."
Vicki Ann rolled her eyes. "Starfleet requests my presence at another medical conference,
this time on Earth. They probably want another speech. Ever since they reinstated me,
they keep asking for favors, which they know I'll do because I'm so grateful that I got my
job back."
"I heard that your speech about Q caused quite a stir."
Vicki Ann laughed. "You could say that. Starfleet Command didn't like me exposing the
human side of Q. It's easier to hate something if you believe it has absolutely no good in
it."
Bashir nodded. "You know, Vicki Ann, we're talking about everything but what you came
here to talk about."
Vicki Ann nodded. "I know." She glanced up and saw Dax talking to someone a few feet
away. "It's hard seeing her so soon after Jadzia's death. At least you had some time to get
used to her being gone before the new host showed up. I had absolutely no warning. I
showed up and there she was. I guess that's what you get when you're friends with a Trill,
huh? I haven't even accepted the fact that she's gone. It feels like a dream. I just keep
thinking, 'It's not fair, it's not fair. How could this happen to someone so wonderful?"
"I've always been taught that everything happens for a reason. Even the Q believe that.
But why did this happen? What meaning did it have? Absolutely nothing, that's what.
Another needless death. I know as a doctor, I should be used to dealing with death, but
I'm not. I'm a horrible doctor, Julian. I let myself get close to my patients and then if
something happens, I feel it as if they were a friend instead of a patient. It's nice because
they trust me, but it's bad if I lose someone. I became a doctor because I wanted to
protect life, therefore I have a very hard time dealing with death. Especially when it's
something that's pointless. It's one thing if you die fighting for what you believe in and it's
another when you're in the wrong place at the wrong time." She paused, catching a
breath. "It's not fair. She and Worf would have been so happy. I know they would have
been. Jadzia would have been a fantastic mother. It's not fair!" The tears were streaming
down her face so fast now, she could hardly breathe.
Julian stood up and put his hand on her shoulder. "Come on, Vicki Ann, let's go somewhere
else."
She nodded and stood up.
Julian put his arm around her shoulder comfortingly, and the two of them walked away.
And Ezri Dax watched them go.
"There, you can cry all you want without worrying about people seeing you," Julian told
Vicki Ann.
Vicki Ann smiled a bit. They were sitting on the couch in Julian's quarters. "I'm sorry. It's
like I said, I haven't even begun to deal with this yet. I can't deal with it because I can't
accept it. I can't accept it because it's not right. I can't believe she was that
unimportant. It's not fair because I 'm still here. An entire race fought to keep me alive.
Why was I allowed to live and she wasn't? I can't be more important than her!"
"You're not. Her death had some purpose, one we're not meant to know."
"What purpose? To make Worf lose someone else he loves? To make Sisko question
whether he belongs in Starfleet? To make me lose my mind?"
"Maybe so we can win the war with the Dominion."
"What does she have to do with the war?"
"Worf winning a battle in her name."
"I don't care about the war. I want her here not in Sto-Vo-Kor!"
"Don't you think you're being a little selfish?"
Vicki Ann glared at him and said, "I don't care."
"What do you care about Vicki Ann? Obviously not your job because you know that
Starfleet will risk one life to stop a war to save millions. Obviously you don't care about
Jadzia because she would have wanted it this way. She would have wanted her death to
mean something."
Vicki Ann stared at him for a few minutes. She shook her head. "You're right. I was being
selfish." She looked up at the ceiling. "Jadzia, wherever you are, I'm sorry."
Julian smiled. "That's better." He moved over so that he was sitting beside her. "How are
you feeling?"
She smiled at him. "Better."
He slid his arm around her and she put her head on his shoulder. The rest of the night they
were quiet, staring at he stars and keeping silent vigil for their friend Jadzia Dax.
The next morning, Vicki Ann walked into Quark's bar and ordered a Raktajino. Bashir was
dragging behind her.
"How do you do it, Vicki Ann? You hardly got any sleep and yet you're full of energy,"
Bashir asked her.
She smiled. "Mind over matter."
Bashir looked at her. She had a look of contentment on her face. Not joy or happiness. Not
sadness. Contentment. In between. She was starting to deal with Jadzia's death.
Worf walked by. Vicki Ann saw him and ran over to him. She began to walk with him. "Hello
Worf."
"Hello, doctor," he replied.
"Captain Picard says hello."
"You may return the sentiment."
Vicki Ann almost smiled. "Worf, I know you don't want to talk, but I just wanted to let you
know that you're not alone in this. I have been out of control for the last week because I
couldn't accept her death. I still can't accept it but at least I'm dealing with it now. She
would have wanted it that way. She wouldn't have wanted us to dwell on it. I also know
that she would have wanted her death to mean something. And I think that winning a
battle against the Dominion for her was a fine way to do it. Not only did it get her into
Sto- Vo-Kor, but it made her death mean something. Q'apla for Jadzia!"
Vicki Ann thought she saw a hint of a smile on Worf's face. "Thank you, Doctor," he
replied.
"It's Vicki Ann, Worf."
"Vicki Ann."
"I know you're not one for talking, but if you ever need anything; a talk, a friendly face, or
someone to drink bloodwine with, I'm here. Jadzia was quite impressed with how I, a
non-Klingon, held my bloodwine."
Worf looked at her, almost in awe. "I believe you were a Klingon in a past life, doctor."
Vicki Ann laughed. "Thank you, Worf. That's quite a compliment. O'y dashek ga'hg!"
"Batlh biHeghjaj," he replied. Then, he walked away.
Smiling, as Vicki Ann walked to the bar, she whispered to herself, "Q'apla, Jadzia, Q'apla."
The she sat down at the bar.
"What did you say to him?" Julian asked.
"Not much. I told him that I thought winning the battle for Jadzia was a good way to give
her death meaning. And then I said, 'may you endure the pain' in Klingon."
"What did he say to you?"
"He said, 'may you die well.' He also said I must have been a Klingon in a past life."
"That's quite a compliment coming from Worf," Julian replied, smiling.
Ezri Dax walked by and Vicki Ann got up and walked over to her. "Hello."
Ezri looked at her, smiling. "Hi, Vicki Ann."
"Want to go for a walk?" Vicki Ann asked her.
Ezri nodded. "Sure."
"So, how did things go between you two?" Bashir asked Vicki Ann.
She smiled. "Good. She's definitely not Jadzia, but I like her."
"Are you going to keep in touch?" Bashir asked.
"I think so," Vicki Ann replied, nodding.
"When are you leaving?"
"Tonight. The Adrian is leaving at 1700 hours for Earth."
"I'll bet you're going to hate that conference," Bashir said, smiling.
"Why?"
"You don't seem like the type to sit in an auditorium all day, listening to speeches about
how to treat radiation sickness. I think you'd prefer to be doing something, like sit at the
helm of the flagship of the Federation or perform sugery."
"You know me too well. Amazingly. I mean, we haven't known each other all that long and
yet I fell like we've been friends for years."
"I think that's because we were so close to Jadzia."
"Maybe. Maybe not."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing, it's just amazing how everything works out and how appropriately you make new
friends. I mean, I lost Jadzia, but gained you and possibly Ezri."
Bashir smiled to himself. "Yeah, I guess it is pretty amazing."
Vicki Ann stepped into the shuttle. Once again, Starfleet had requested her presence at a
medical conference. This time the conference was on Earth. She was leaving early so that
she could stop at Deep Space Nine for a few days. She needed to talk to some people
who had known Jadzia so that they could share memories and help ease their pain. It had
been tough, going through each day, knowing that the universe was out of whack
because Jadzia was gone. She'd talked to Deanna about it and Deanna had suggested
leaving early so that Vicki Ann could visit Worf, Julian and everyone else that had known
Jadzia. She waved to Riker and Deanna, who were seeing her off, and climbed in the
shuttle.
Vicki Ann walked past the science station on Deep Space Nine. She felt a twinge of
sadness overcome her at the sight of Jadzia's old post. Instead of Jadzia, there was a
someone else. Then she noticed a small woman with short brown hair walking by the
station. Vicki Ann turned to go towards the infirmary when the woman said to her, "Hello,
Vicki Ann."
Vicki Ann turned around and stared at the woman. This must be Dax's new host. "Hi."
"I know this must be hard for you, seeing me so soon after Jadzia's death."
Vicki Ann nodded. "I haven't quite come to terms with it yet. That's the reason why I'm
here."
Dax nodded. "Maybe we can talk some other time."
Vicki Ann nodded slowly and repeated, "Some other time."
"Vicki Ann!" Julian Bashir's voice called from across the room.
Vicki Ann smiled and ran over to him. "Hello, Julian."
He saw the tears that were forming in her eyes. He hugged her.
"What was that for?" she asked as she pulled away.
"You looked like you needed it."
She smiled. "You were right."
"How are you doing?"
"Not very good."
"Come on, let's go get a cup of coffee."
Vicki Ann and Bashir sat at Quark's bar.
"Has Worf improved any?" Vicki Ann asked.
Bashir nodded. "For a while his attention was focused on making sure that Jadzia got into
Sto-Vo-Kor. He had to win a battle in her name. For him, the war with the Dominion was
preferable. The attack on the shipyard was the battle."
"Ouch. That's a lot to carry on your shoulders."
"Well, Worf has broad shoulders."
Vicki Ann smiled. "True."
"I thought that you weren't stopping by until you went home next month."
Vicki Ann rolled her eyes. "Starfleet requests my presence at another medical conference,
this time on Earth. They probably want another speech. Ever since they reinstated me,
they keep asking for favors, which they know I'll do because I'm so grateful that I got my
job back."
"I heard that your speech about Q caused quite a stir."
Vicki Ann laughed. "You could say that. Starfleet Command didn't like me exposing the
human side of Q. It's easier to hate something if you believe it has absolutely no good in
it."
Bashir nodded. "You know, Vicki Ann, we're talking about everything but what you came
here to talk about."
Vicki Ann nodded. "I know." She glanced up and saw Dax talking to someone a few feet
away. "It's hard seeing her so soon after Jadzia's death. At least you had some time to get
used to her being gone before the new host showed up. I had absolutely no warning. I
showed up and there she was. I guess that's what you get when you're friends with a Trill,
huh? I haven't even accepted the fact that she's gone. It feels like a dream. I just keep
thinking, 'It's not fair, it's not fair. How could this happen to someone so wonderful?"
"I've always been taught that everything happens for a reason. Even the Q believe that.
But why did this happen? What meaning did it have? Absolutely nothing, that's what.
Another needless death. I know as a doctor, I should be used to dealing with death, but
I'm not. I'm a horrible doctor, Julian. I let myself get close to my patients and then if
something happens, I feel it as if they were a friend instead of a patient. It's nice because
they trust me, but it's bad if I lose someone. I became a doctor because I wanted to
protect life, therefore I have a very hard time dealing with death. Especially when it's
something that's pointless. It's one thing if you die fighting for what you believe in and it's
another when you're in the wrong place at the wrong time." She paused, catching a
breath. "It's not fair. She and Worf would have been so happy. I know they would have
been. Jadzia would have been a fantastic mother. It's not fair!" The tears were streaming
down her face so fast now, she could hardly breathe.
Julian stood up and put his hand on her shoulder. "Come on, Vicki Ann, let's go somewhere
else."
She nodded and stood up.
Julian put his arm around her shoulder comfortingly, and the two of them walked away.
And Ezri Dax watched them go.
"There, you can cry all you want without worrying about people seeing you," Julian told
Vicki Ann.
Vicki Ann smiled a bit. They were sitting on the couch in Julian's quarters. "I'm sorry. It's
like I said, I haven't even begun to deal with this yet. I can't deal with it because I can't
accept it. I can't accept it because it's not right. I can't believe she was that
unimportant. It's not fair because I 'm still here. An entire race fought to keep me alive.
Why was I allowed to live and she wasn't? I can't be more important than her!"
"You're not. Her death had some purpose, one we're not meant to know."
"What purpose? To make Worf lose someone else he loves? To make Sisko question
whether he belongs in Starfleet? To make me lose my mind?"
"Maybe so we can win the war with the Dominion."
"What does she have to do with the war?"
"Worf winning a battle in her name."
"I don't care about the war. I want her here not in Sto-Vo-Kor!"
"Don't you think you're being a little selfish?"
Vicki Ann glared at him and said, "I don't care."
"What do you care about Vicki Ann? Obviously not your job because you know that
Starfleet will risk one life to stop a war to save millions. Obviously you don't care about
Jadzia because she would have wanted it this way. She would have wanted her death to
mean something."
Vicki Ann stared at him for a few minutes. She shook her head. "You're right. I was being
selfish." She looked up at the ceiling. "Jadzia, wherever you are, I'm sorry."
Julian smiled. "That's better." He moved over so that he was sitting beside her. "How are
you feeling?"
She smiled at him. "Better."
He slid his arm around her and she put her head on his shoulder. The rest of the night they
were quiet, staring at he stars and keeping silent vigil for their friend Jadzia Dax.
The next morning, Vicki Ann walked into Quark's bar and ordered a Raktajino. Bashir was
dragging behind her.
"How do you do it, Vicki Ann? You hardly got any sleep and yet you're full of energy,"
Bashir asked her.
She smiled. "Mind over matter."
Bashir looked at her. She had a look of contentment on her face. Not joy or happiness. Not
sadness. Contentment. In between. She was starting to deal with Jadzia's death.
Worf walked by. Vicki Ann saw him and ran over to him. She began to walk with him. "Hello
Worf."
"Hello, doctor," he replied.
"Captain Picard says hello."
"You may return the sentiment."
Vicki Ann almost smiled. "Worf, I know you don't want to talk, but I just wanted to let you
know that you're not alone in this. I have been out of control for the last week because I
couldn't accept her death. I still can't accept it but at least I'm dealing with it now. She
would have wanted it that way. She wouldn't have wanted us to dwell on it. I also know
that she would have wanted her death to mean something. And I think that winning a
battle against the Dominion for her was a fine way to do it. Not only did it get her into
Sto- Vo-Kor, but it made her death mean something. Q'apla for Jadzia!"
Vicki Ann thought she saw a hint of a smile on Worf's face. "Thank you, Doctor," he
replied.
"It's Vicki Ann, Worf."
"Vicki Ann."
"I know you're not one for talking, but if you ever need anything; a talk, a friendly face, or
someone to drink bloodwine with, I'm here. Jadzia was quite impressed with how I, a
non-Klingon, held my bloodwine."
Worf looked at her, almost in awe. "I believe you were a Klingon in a past life, doctor."
Vicki Ann laughed. "Thank you, Worf. That's quite a compliment. O'y dashek ga'hg!"
"Batlh biHeghjaj," he replied. Then, he walked away.
Smiling, as Vicki Ann walked to the bar, she whispered to herself, "Q'apla, Jadzia, Q'apla."
The she sat down at the bar.
"What did you say to him?" Julian asked.
"Not much. I told him that I thought winning the battle for Jadzia was a good way to give
her death meaning. And then I said, 'may you endure the pain' in Klingon."
"What did he say to you?"
"He said, 'may you die well.' He also said I must have been a Klingon in a past life."
"That's quite a compliment coming from Worf," Julian replied, smiling.
Ezri Dax walked by and Vicki Ann got up and walked over to her. "Hello."
Ezri looked at her, smiling. "Hi, Vicki Ann."
"Want to go for a walk?" Vicki Ann asked her.
Ezri nodded. "Sure."
"So, how did things go between you two?" Bashir asked Vicki Ann.
She smiled. "Good. She's definitely not Jadzia, but I like her."
"Are you going to keep in touch?" Bashir asked.
"I think so," Vicki Ann replied, nodding.
"When are you leaving?"
"Tonight. The Adrian is leaving at 1700 hours for Earth."
"I'll bet you're going to hate that conference," Bashir said, smiling.
"Why?"
"You don't seem like the type to sit in an auditorium all day, listening to speeches about
how to treat radiation sickness. I think you'd prefer to be doing something, like sit at the
helm of the flagship of the Federation or perform sugery."
"You know me too well. Amazingly. I mean, we haven't known each other all that long and
yet I fell like we've been friends for years."
"I think that's because we were so close to Jadzia."
"Maybe. Maybe not."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing, it's just amazing how everything works out and how appropriately you make new
friends. I mean, I lost Jadzia, but gained you and possibly Ezri."
Bashir smiled to himself. "Yeah, I guess it is pretty amazing."