NOTES:: {Standard Disclaimer, just cuz i'm feeling paranoid. Don't own them, don't sue. Thanks}}
WARNINGS:: There's some language, predictable angst, something that might count as Relena bashing(I would just like to say what is contained here in that way is not a reflection of this author's feelings toward Relena, they are Duo's feelings, which he has a right to. Thank you.) Yaoi. And that's about it...enjoy. And FEEDBACK!!
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Duo slid the brush through his hair one last time, watching it float back down, and then settled the brush back down on the dresser with a frown. It seemed to him that the brush, which had been clean only moments before as Duo started brushing the hair, was clogged with the loose strands that built up, but that wasn't right, he had a lot of hair, admittedly, but the brush never looked like that afterward. Leaning forward he squinted into the mirror and wondered if his hair looked less thick. The doctor had warned there was a 45% chance he would start to loose his hair as the weeks came closer and closer due to the medicine.
Shaking his hair out Duo watched as several more loose strands floated down to the tile floor around his feet, gathering with the others. Biting his lower lip Duo picked up the brush and picked several more hairs from Heero's dark blue button-up shirt from the night before. He had pulled it on with a pair of shorts, and the shirt was larger on him then on Heero, so the only part of the jean shorts that could be seen was several inches.
Moving toward the kitchen on the silent feet that had been his trademark as both a street rat on L2 and the gundam pilot he could hear the clatter of dishes and then Relena's soft laugh, the clink of a glass settling on the tabletop. The scent that greeted him was heavy, some sort of chicken and perhaps pasta, yes; Duo definitely could smell the sauce. His stomach reminded him he had not eaten lunch. Pushing the door open a bit Duo slid in, brush held to his side, somewhat nervously, head tilted to one side slightly. Relena stood with her back to him, talking to Heero, who was stirring a sauce. Her hand rested lightly on Heero's arm, but Duo could see the possessiveness of the touch, the tenderness and caring. The words were unimportant, trivial political matters. She took a breath and Duo cut in.
"Heero," he began softly, causing Relena to turn puzzled, and the expression didn't waver as she tried to figure out why the person in front of her, wearing Heero's shirt, looked so familiar. Heero turned with a half smile. "Yes?" Duo held out the brush a bit, not really telling him to take it, just to notice it. "This is going to sound silly, but, um, does it look like to you there's an extraordinary amount of loose hair collected in this brush."
Frowning Heero realized there was more behind the question then a simple inquiry and came forward, took the brush from Duo's weak hand. He chose his words carefully when he answered, "No, it doesn't look like there's an extraordinary amount, Duo, maybe a bit more than usual, but nothing extraordinary."
Duo sighed softly under his breath, relieved, then lifted his eyes to look at Relena, whose mouth had dropped in surprise in a most undignified way. "Duo?"
"Yes Relena."
"What...what are you doing here?" she stuttered.
"Visiting, probably the same thing you're doing."
"Oh...oh, then you won't be here for...for a long time, just passing through?"
"You could say that, or just passing on."
"Then I imagine you were kicked out of the guest bedroom for me to stay here. Heero, you should have told me, I would have been more than glad to find myself a hotel room. Where are you staying now, on the couch? You boys shouldn't be so cramped together if not."
"No, I won't be on the couch," Duo said coolly, "Heero's room is more than adequate. I won't give up my bed just because you're here. By the way, did I mention how lovely you're looking these days, much more grown-up, more mature. I would say it's a pleasure seeing you again, but it's just not, and I don't lie."
Heero sighed and rubbed his forehead a bit, the hair concern completely set aside. He resisted telling Duo to behave, giving him a firm smack along the backside for emphasis, but he also resisted chuckling.
Relena found no words and Duo continued on as if she wasn't there. "I borrowed your shirt, I hope you don't mind," Duo stated, looking at Heero, wrinkling his nose slightly. Heero shook his head, caught up in the vision that Duo presented; leaned forward a bit to lift the edge of the shirt, and then let it drop. "You're swimming in it."
"It's comfortable. Relena, you should close your mouth," Duo stated, lifting her chin up a bit for her. He picked up the glass that he assumed to be Heero's, for Relena's she held in her hand, and moved back to lean against the wall, holding it in his hands after taking a small sip. Heero didn't protest as he turned back around to whatever he had been stirring.
"Well, I...I hadn't quite expected to see you so suddenly. You look...good, if not just a bit pale and tired, but it doesn't make you look too haggard," Relena said, recovering awkwardly, hand smoothing along the length of her skirt. She picked at some invisible lint and forced a smile at the American, whom she had to admit was very enticing with the hair down, sleek muscled body, but something was not right, something was off. He did look haggard, she had been telling the truth, and he looked weary, the kind of weary that extended far from the body and permeated the very soul and mind.
"Thank you for the compliment Relena," Duo said, over to the chair that had been partially pulled back, pulled it the rest of the way and fought a wince as a pain drifted lazily along his side, stealing his breath. Heero noticed; Heero had a sixth sense about that. He was at Duo's side in a moment, supporting him, easing him down in the chair. Duo pushed Heero away, gently but firmly, then shook his head, "I'm fine, Hee-chan, don't let the food burn."
Heero frowned and let his fingertips linger on Duo's shoulder, scratching lightly at the material of the shirt, then moved over to the counter, not nearly as close to Relena as he had been before. "I didn't exactly mean it as a compliment," Relena said dryly.
Duo shook his head, feeling a wave of nausea come over him, realizing he should have eaten lunch before taking his medicine. Propping his elbows up on the table he leaned his chin on his hands and closed his eyes, hair spilling forward around him. He felt Heero behind him, then a feather light touch against his back, questioning.
"Oi, Heero, you wouldn't happen to have any of those crackers handy, would ya?" Duo asked, hating the helpless feeling that welled up inside. Heero didn't chastise in front of Relena, of which Duo was grateful, only settled the asked for item on the table and moved back to his sauce. Duo looked up at Relena as he took a bite of the cracker, the snap resounding loudly in his ears as he quirked an eyebrow. Duo hated the way Relena seemed to go perfectly with the small kitchen, hated the way she seemed to ooze into Heero's life so naturally while Duo had fought so hard for so long to be acknowledged. He wished he could change that.
"Yes, well, Relena, considering that I have two weeks left to live that's a compliment." Relena dropped her cup and it hit the floor with a loud crack, sending shattered glass in every direction and sticky soda along in rivers across the tile. Heero dropped the spoon onto the counter at the noise and turned, eyes instinctively falling onto Duo, before taking in the rest of the situation. In truth the blunt way Duo had said it had shocked him a bit too, but Heero had learned long ago it was just part of the Maxwell charm.
Seemingly oblivious to the shock that he had caused as Heero crouched down to help Relena pick up some of glass Duo continued to talk. "Hey, Hee-chan, I was wondering if we might be able to get some notebooks or something for me in the next couple of days. I'm going bored out of my mind with nothing to do."
"All you have to do is ask," Heero said, nodding his head as he sorted through a shelf of spices, leaving the spilt drink to be wiped up by Relena. "What did you want that stuff for?"
"I discovered that I liked writing in the last few years, and I've been doing it off and on. I find peace in writing." "I didn't know that about you," Heero stated, turning to glance at Duo before going back to what he was doing. "There's a lot of things you don't know, Heero," Duo said, pulling out another cracker. A lot of things you'll never know, he added silently.
"You're teasing me, right?" Relena asked as she recovered, still crouching with a damp cloth in her hand.
"No, I'm not teasing you, Relena. Why in god's name would I say something like that to be funny, after all the death I've seen and been responsible for? Even I'm not that hard-hearted," Duo whispered in a hard voice
Relena swallowed nervously and stood, rinsing the cloth out in the sink.
"I...I didn't mean to sound so...I didn't want it to be taken how you took it. It's just...I can't imagine...it's hard to imagine someone like you dying."
"Why's that?" Duo asked, narrowing his eyes and looking up at Relena, who stepped back against the counter unconsciously.
"It's just...just hard to imagine, that's all. It's hard for me to imagine you so vulnerable that death could touch you, that's all."
"Perhaps that's where you went wrong so long ago, not realizing that I was more fragile and more vulnerable than I looked, more so than you. That thought never even crossed your mind, did it, when Heero came to you, running from me? You knew where he came from; you probably didn't even spare a thought for what condition I was left in, seeing as how you got what you always wanted, and as long as the princess is happy the world can go fuck itself, can't it? You were a spoiled rotten brat then, I imagine you still are now."
Relena took a shocked step back, looking to Heero for perhaps a kind word in her favor, for him to stick up for her. Duo didn't even let either say anything. "Don't follow me," he hissed, stood, wavering from the rapid movement, then left the kitchen and stalked down the hall toward the bedroom.
Relena looked over at Heero again, whose brow was furrowed with his frown. He brought his eyes over to her, and then moved back to the sauce, "I'll go talk to him once the food's done, I'll let him cool off until then, but for now...for now I think we need to talk." She nodded meekly.
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~Journal Entry 9~
I can't even look at that perfect face without wanting to reach out and smack her, to see a red mark against her perfect skin, scratch her eyes out, to shake her and make her open her eyes and think of someone else for a change. Where did this bitterness come from? If anything I should be bitter with Heero, for what Heero did to me, not her, she's guilty of only the same thing that I'm guilty of, loving Heero. But it's her I want to hurt, it's her I want to make feel the pain and loneliness and heartache of three goddamn years. Three years worth of fear and disappointment and pain, three years of longing and that pressing scream of worthlessness. But it's her that knew someone was being hurt when Heero ran to her, she was the one who understood how human emotions worked, she's the one who didn't even think what sort of emotional wreck Heero was leaving behind, so why not blame her? I can see it in her eyes now, she still feels for Heero, and she doesn't want me to be around him because he feels something for me, something she knew he never felt for her. But I got him back, damn-it, I have him back, I'm where I belong, even if it's only for a little while, and she's here now. I can't hate him; I just can't do it, no matter how badly I have wanted to all these years. I love him too much to think like that towards him, so I guess that's why it all goes to Relena. I can't hate him, I don't have the energy, I don't have the desire to carry this bitter feeling in me any more, it's taking up space for all the feeling I do have now. And I don't have the energy to hate Relena either; it's almost a redundant feeling, to hate her. No, I'll try to get along with her, I know she's human, and I have to be honest with myself. If Heero had come to me, running from her, I would have greeted him with open arms and have never let go. But shit, that's alright for me, I deserve that sort of happiness, after all I've been through in my life, after all I've given and what's never been given back...Oh god, there's that pain again, ripping up my side and squeezing my lungs, daring me to breathe too deeply. Where's my...oh, damn-it, my meds are in the kitchen. Oh well, time to face the music...I guess. Just as soon as I can stand...
Maxwell...
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Duo leaned against the doorframe just outside the kitchen, catching his breath, before opening the door slowly and stepping in. He kept his head down, moving toward the cabinet, and began to speak before anyone could say anything, "Hey, sorry about the way I acted earlier...I don't know what came over me..." his words were cut short by Heero's arm sliding around his waist, leading him over to the table. "It's all right," Heero stated, sitting him down. "Relena's in the bathroom right now, and don't bother apologizing. I'm surprised you didn't get up and punch in the face; I could see the rage boiling beneath the surface. Are you alright?"
Duo smiled weakly and squeezed Heero's hand. "Could you get me...get me-." Heero pulled away and moved over to the counter. "Sure thing. I hope you can eat something a little spicy, not too much, but I did add some for flavor. Also, the doctor called, said something about you're having put a message on his voice mail. Here, take this, you should watch yourself better, make sure you take what you have to take when you have to take it."
Downing the pill Duo tilted his head back slowly to look up at Heero, who was studying him with concerned eyes. Pulling Heero down slowly Duo pressed a light kiss to his lips, then let him go, just a simple reassurance that Heero was still his, even if only for the moment. "What did he have to say?"
"He can see you tomorrow around three, if it's not too late." Duo shook his head, pulling his hair back slowly away from his face, tying it back. The door behind him opened, then Relena came back in slowly, easing down in the chair across from him without a word. Heero settled down in the chair adjacent to both of them and silently murmured a hope they would behave themselves during dinner.
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~Journal Entry 10~
Amazing. Heero's sound asleep and I'm writing this on his back, and he hasn't stirred yet...well, he stirred to see what I was doing but I told him to go back to sleep, I'm just jotting something down, and he did. Now, I know I'm the curious one, but when he wants to know something...well, he'll know it if it's the last thing he does. He has such a nice back, the smooth skin, the way it curves, the silky firmness of the flesh, and it makes a wonderful table. All right, I'm done ogling his perfect body. Make's sense, ne? I'm rambling, well, I'm nervous. I have that doctor appointment tomorrow, to see if the hair...well, no, I'm not going to dwell on that just now. Relena was actually polite at dinner, sweet even; I wonder what Heero said to her. And boy, the look on her face when she came out of the kitchen with her drink to find me on Hee-chan's lap, kissing. Priceless. I can die a happy man now...well, no, scratch that. That's like wishing for it to happen, don't want to call the grim reaper closer than he already is. Shit...I had to remind myself. Not like I had forgotten. It's kind of hard to forget when I have to remember to take my medicine or I have to grit my teeth through the pain that strikes no matter what I do, or when getting up and walking from the bedroom to the kitchen takes the breath from me, or sitting up for extended periods of time wears me out. I'm a gundam pilot, was a gundam pilot, and look at what I've been reduced to. I hate myself sometimes, I hate my life, and I hate everything. And there's pity in my friends eyes, pity. That's probably what Heero feels, but he's just so wonderful at hiding his feelings. Fuck, look at what I've done, I'm lying to myself again, and I know I'm lying to myself, I'm just not sure what I'm lying about. I...screw that; I'm too tired to get worked up right now. I'm over the anger thing, way over it, have been for years. I will not let it rule me, I will not let it rule me, and I will not let it rule me. Maybe if I keep telling myself that I might believe it someday, ne? I'm so full of shit. But hey, at least I know it, right?
Duo Maxwell
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The Most Bittersweet Gift part 7
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Duo leaned his head back a little, hands coming up to rub at the throat, sweeping along to the back where small tendrils of hair inevitably escaped the braid, rubbing in a soothing manner. It did little to ease the tense muscles and suddenly Duo's body temperature seemed to plummet, leaving him chilled in the room which he had been previously comfortable in. His eyes strayed over to Heero, who was sitting rigid, straight-backed in the somewhat comfortable chair, watching Duo's doctor's face, expression almost unreadable. Suddenly Duo wished that they had opted to sit on the couch again, so Duo could lean into the warm, comforting body, for more reasons than physical chill. Dr. Wright began to speak in his soft voice, the one normally reserved to soften the blow bad news brought with it, and that's all the answer Duo needed.
"I'm sorry, Duo. It does seem, unfortunately, that you do seem to be losing your hair. It's actually more normal than most think, since it's not a disease that's causing it, which is rare, and a combination of medicines. Sometimes it's unavoidable, if the medicine is doing what it's supposed to do. Eyesight may fail a bit, memory may get a bit fuzzy, in your case, hair loss. It's not the worst thing in the world, I suppose. It may not be entirely either, I think that the fact you have so much hair may be pulling down a bit more than needed and that's helping the rate at which it goes. My advice, to keep your hair for a bit longer, if it's planning on falling out on you at all, is to cut it. It'll last longer. Good news though."
"How's that?" Duo managed, fighting successfully to keep back the tears he had not allowed to fall for himself in so long.
"Well, it shows that you have actually been taking your medication. Only a long time on the medication would lead to such a build up like this, enough to cause the hair to weaken and the chemicals to differ slightly. Probably not good advice as far as you care, but there's nothing really that can be done as far as reversing the process." Doctor Wright paused, letting it sink in slowly and easily, then broke through the silence again, rising slightly in his chair, arms extended over his tabletop to Heero. "Pleasure seeing you again, sir, even though it had to be like this. I have another appointment, I had to squeeze this in, but that's really no bother, and don't hesitate to call if you need to see me about something, alright Duo?"
Duo nodded, not really hearing the blurred words as they fell on his deaf ears, mind numb from the shock of what was happening. He vaguely had the sensation of Heero pulling him up against his warm body, throwing an arm tightly around the waist, leading him away from the office and down the hall. He was blind to the others waiting to be seen as they looked on as the two young men passed, some with pity and sympathy for the obviously distraught pair, some with unease at seeing the two so close. He wasn't even sure how he made it to the car except to know he was there, the seatbelt pressing against his chest, staring out the windshield through narrow eyes. They weren't moving.
"Duo," Heero whispered from beside him, drawing Duo's attention outward, away from himself and towards the sound, and Duo looked over to see Heero settled beside him in the drivers seat, one arm thrown over the steering wheel, cheek resting against that arm, deep, burning, Prussian blue eyes focused solely and entirely upon him, Duo Maxwell.
"Yes?"
"I...I'm sorry."
Two little words that released the flood from behind a broken dam and Duo broke down into sobs, drawing his legs up to his chest and wrapping his arms around his knees, forehead resting against the knees. Heero moved closer and pulled Duo close, knowing without words being spoken the angst this caused him. Once the sobs had subsided and the breathing had evened out Duo lifted his head to look at Heero through blurred eyes. His hand came up, wiped absently with the back of his hand against his face. "What do you think I should do?" he whispered.
Heero smoothed the hair back away from Duo's face where they were coming loose (and not off, thank god, Heero thought), knowing he owed Duo the truth. "I think...I think you should cut it. He may be right, and besides, that much hair has to...it has to weigh you down, right? Especially when wet."
A moment's thought, then Duo nodded, and Heero wasn't sure if he was agreeing or answering the question posed. Another nod, then Duo lifted Heero's hand and pressed it against his flushed, tear-streaked cheek, tilting his head into the touch. "Alright," he breathed, voice breaking slightly. "Alright, if you think that's best."
"I do."
"Now, before I lose my nerve."
Heero reluctantly pulled his hand away, but caught Duo's hand and squeezed, settling their joined hands against his own cheek momentarily before letting go. Starting the car he glanced over at Duo, then back to the road.
The position was alien to him, but he accepted whole-heartedly and without thought as he chattered on and on about nothing in particular. Not his style, this was Duo's thing, but Duo was silent and Heero didn't want Duo to back out or draw into himself. He had to respect the American though, after trying to talk for five minutes about nothing and finding his already struggling monologue was collapsing in on it's self, and this was something Duo could do for hours upon hours at a time.
"That's an awful lot of hair, there," the barber remarked, looking at the braided chestnut rope snaking it's way down the back of the chair. "And you want me to cut it all off, hmmm, where do you want it cut at?"
Those heartbroken violet eyes jumped over to Heero without a second thought and Heero cursed the fact he would have to make this decision. Moving from where he was in front of Duo, blocking Duo's view of the mirror and of the barber's hands, to where the older man stood, and studied the braid. The braid, which had become as much of a part of Duo as the cross around his neck, or the maniac grin on his lips, or the ever-present chatter. It took a full minute for Heero to decide, and then he slowly touched a place on the braid, several inches below the shoulders, feeling Duo wince at that light contact. He hissed under his breath he wanted the braid intact, unable to part with it even if it had to part from its owner.
Duo's eyes were shut tightly, humming lightly under his breath, but he still knew the exact moment the braid was cut, as the ever-present weight, the ever-present reminder it had served all these years, was suddenly no longer there. Followed closely was the thought that Heero loved his hair, would Heero love him now that it was gone?
There was no time to ponder that as Heero petted the back of Duo's hand gently, silent, the barber not as silent as he trimmed the now shorter hair, it reaching to some point one fourth down his back, where before it had dangled teasingly against his thighs, brushing his knees when he wore shorts, getting caught up in doors and being sat on. Never again, a little voice whispered in his mind.
"Heero," Duo whispered. "Take me home."
Heero looked up, and then nodded, feeling a smile touch his lips. Yes, he would take Duo home.
"Not likely, he's been sitting on the couch like that ever since I brought him home at two-thirty and it's near about six," Heero answered, glancing over at Relena, who was peeking out of the open kitchen door watching where Duo sat, glass of water by his side, writing in one of the notebooks Heero had bought him on the way back from their appointment and the impromptu murder of the braid.
"Do you think he'll eat dinner, even if he doesn't come to the table?"
"Doesn't matter," Heero answered, looking over his shoulder with a frown at Duo, who's hair had promptly been pulled back into a ponytail and left there, not touched once since then. Heero had to admit he liked the new look, it was different, and while the other look made Duo into a fey creature, this gave him back the masculinity that was lost in the trailing feet of hair. It framed his face, making him appear more delicate, but stronger at the same time. "I'm going to make him eat, even if I have to feed him myself," Heero explained.
"So the hair had to go to slow the process of him losing it all very fast, so now he looses only bits very slow," Relena asked. Heero nodded. "I imagine he's feeling very insecure right about now, then," Relena stated. The obvious was left unsaid, Duo had been feeling very insecure for a long time, and the bulk of the insecurity started when Relena had appeared on the doorstep.
"I love him," Heero told her, looking back. "Did you know that?"
"Yes. Does he know that?"
"I don't know," Heero admitted.
Just then Duo looked up at them, eyes on Heero first, then moving to Relena, tracing a path down the waist length hair. Relena glanced over at Heero. "I'm going to talk to him," she said. "Don't interrupt."
Closing the kitchen door behind her she settled next to Duo on the couch and stared ahead at the blank television screen a moment.
"Yes Relena," Duo urged, seeing she had no intentions of getting up and moving away anytime soon.
"Are you alright?"
"What do you care?"
"I do, I have no choice. I adore Heero and you make Heero happy, so I have to care, even if I don't want to. Don't worry, I do. I wronged you, I'm sorry."
"What's that?" Duo looked up.
"You heard me, I wronged you, and I'm sorry. You were right, what you said yesterday. I'm older now, and if this me was looking back on the younger, more spoiled me, I would tell her to face the facts and see that Heero can never be mine, his heart belongs somewhere else, and to make sure it returns to it's home. He's found a home in you, Duo. I don't know if he realized it or not."
Duo pressed the pencil against the paper again but it didn't move. "What are you writing?" "I'm just writing. I like to write; it helps me release my feelings. I used to be a cutter, but that's dangerous, so instead I take my aggression out on paper with a pencil, not on my skin with a razor."
"Does Heero know?" Relena asked, faintly surprised, looking over at Duo.
Duo nodded, "Hai, he knows. It wasn't a new thing, and he came back to the safe house early from a mission to find me on the bathroom floor, razor in one hand, the blood seeping from a shallow cut I had made in my arm onto the floor, watching it with dull, disinterested eyes. He freaked out, as much as he could freak out, ripping it out of my hand and threatening to kill me if I ever did it again. I think it scared him, or it was something he couldn't understand. Self-mutilation, only those who practice it can understand what release it brings. If I hadn't made that promise, that's probably where I would be right now, under the hot spray of the shower, razor in hand, but something tells me I wouldn't have stopped until I had made enough cuts to stop the pain forever." Duo lifted haunted eyes to Relena's then back down to the paper where the pencil was still poised to write.
"I hate you," he whispered. "I hate you because I can't hate him, and there's no more room for self-hatred left, it's already all taken up space for other matters. And that's not the half of it. I hate you because you don't hate me, because you even seem to care, like now, you seem on the verge of something nice, liking pulling me into a hug, but you know me well enough to know that will only make me hate you more. Doesn't that just suck, you're being punished for a crime you know nothing of?"
"Is that how you felt?" Relena asked in a whisper.
"Yes, among things. What do you think that said to me, that the person I had loved more than life itself, who I would have done anything for, leaves me when I needed him the most, simply because I needed him. Maybe if he had run to someone else it would have hurt less, I wouldn't have been so upset over the loss. But no, it was you, the peace-endorsing, perfect, rich, spoiled, faultless Miss Relena Peacecraft. What do you think that said to me, the street rat from L2, the orphan who had no family, no friends, no home to return to after the war, the plague that brought death with him everywhere he went. Heero was innocent, he just didn't know it.
"I know why the doctor's can't understand why I'm dying, why they think it's a mutated version of the engineered plague which swept my home, and that only because there's no better explanation. Would you like to know why, Relena? It's because they've never before seen what's killing me, what's eating me alive from the inside out, and yes, that's what it feels like. The reason they can't find anything is because I've poisoned myself. I've poisoned myself with my bitterness and now it's killing me. And you know what, I must deserve it, or else why would it have happened?"
"Oh Duo," Relena breathed. "You don't honestly believe that, do you?"
Duo was silent, shading the lines of his paper along the margins, almost like she wasn't there, and then he spoke softly. "Leave me alone, Relena."
Relena got up slowly and went into the kitchen, before retreating to the guest bedroom with a plate.
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Alright, just wanted to say, but didn't want to clutter up above, thank you everyone who has been sending me the feedback on this story, and I'm getting it out as fast as I can. Sorry about the deathfic, but I had to get it out of my system. Probably won't write another like it for a while, and if I do, I doubt I'll target Duo.
^_^
WARNINGS:: There's some language, predictable angst, something that might count as Relena bashing(I would just like to say what is contained here in that way is not a reflection of this author's feelings toward Relena, they are Duo's feelings, which he has a right to. Thank you.) Yaoi. And that's about it...enjoy. And FEEDBACK!!
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Duo slid the brush through his hair one last time, watching it float back down, and then settled the brush back down on the dresser with a frown. It seemed to him that the brush, which had been clean only moments before as Duo started brushing the hair, was clogged with the loose strands that built up, but that wasn't right, he had a lot of hair, admittedly, but the brush never looked like that afterward. Leaning forward he squinted into the mirror and wondered if his hair looked less thick. The doctor had warned there was a 45% chance he would start to loose his hair as the weeks came closer and closer due to the medicine.
Shaking his hair out Duo watched as several more loose strands floated down to the tile floor around his feet, gathering with the others. Biting his lower lip Duo picked up the brush and picked several more hairs from Heero's dark blue button-up shirt from the night before. He had pulled it on with a pair of shorts, and the shirt was larger on him then on Heero, so the only part of the jean shorts that could be seen was several inches.
Moving toward the kitchen on the silent feet that had been his trademark as both a street rat on L2 and the gundam pilot he could hear the clatter of dishes and then Relena's soft laugh, the clink of a glass settling on the tabletop. The scent that greeted him was heavy, some sort of chicken and perhaps pasta, yes; Duo definitely could smell the sauce. His stomach reminded him he had not eaten lunch. Pushing the door open a bit Duo slid in, brush held to his side, somewhat nervously, head tilted to one side slightly. Relena stood with her back to him, talking to Heero, who was stirring a sauce. Her hand rested lightly on Heero's arm, but Duo could see the possessiveness of the touch, the tenderness and caring. The words were unimportant, trivial political matters. She took a breath and Duo cut in.
"Heero," he began softly, causing Relena to turn puzzled, and the expression didn't waver as she tried to figure out why the person in front of her, wearing Heero's shirt, looked so familiar. Heero turned with a half smile. "Yes?" Duo held out the brush a bit, not really telling him to take it, just to notice it. "This is going to sound silly, but, um, does it look like to you there's an extraordinary amount of loose hair collected in this brush."
Frowning Heero realized there was more behind the question then a simple inquiry and came forward, took the brush from Duo's weak hand. He chose his words carefully when he answered, "No, it doesn't look like there's an extraordinary amount, Duo, maybe a bit more than usual, but nothing extraordinary."
Duo sighed softly under his breath, relieved, then lifted his eyes to look at Relena, whose mouth had dropped in surprise in a most undignified way. "Duo?"
"Yes Relena."
"What...what are you doing here?" she stuttered.
"Visiting, probably the same thing you're doing."
"Oh...oh, then you won't be here for...for a long time, just passing through?"
"You could say that, or just passing on."
"Then I imagine you were kicked out of the guest bedroom for me to stay here. Heero, you should have told me, I would have been more than glad to find myself a hotel room. Where are you staying now, on the couch? You boys shouldn't be so cramped together if not."
"No, I won't be on the couch," Duo said coolly, "Heero's room is more than adequate. I won't give up my bed just because you're here. By the way, did I mention how lovely you're looking these days, much more grown-up, more mature. I would say it's a pleasure seeing you again, but it's just not, and I don't lie."
Heero sighed and rubbed his forehead a bit, the hair concern completely set aside. He resisted telling Duo to behave, giving him a firm smack along the backside for emphasis, but he also resisted chuckling.
Relena found no words and Duo continued on as if she wasn't there. "I borrowed your shirt, I hope you don't mind," Duo stated, looking at Heero, wrinkling his nose slightly. Heero shook his head, caught up in the vision that Duo presented; leaned forward a bit to lift the edge of the shirt, and then let it drop. "You're swimming in it."
"It's comfortable. Relena, you should close your mouth," Duo stated, lifting her chin up a bit for her. He picked up the glass that he assumed to be Heero's, for Relena's she held in her hand, and moved back to lean against the wall, holding it in his hands after taking a small sip. Heero didn't protest as he turned back around to whatever he had been stirring.
"Well, I...I hadn't quite expected to see you so suddenly. You look...good, if not just a bit pale and tired, but it doesn't make you look too haggard," Relena said, recovering awkwardly, hand smoothing along the length of her skirt. She picked at some invisible lint and forced a smile at the American, whom she had to admit was very enticing with the hair down, sleek muscled body, but something was not right, something was off. He did look haggard, she had been telling the truth, and he looked weary, the kind of weary that extended far from the body and permeated the very soul and mind.
"Thank you for the compliment Relena," Duo said, over to the chair that had been partially pulled back, pulled it the rest of the way and fought a wince as a pain drifted lazily along his side, stealing his breath. Heero noticed; Heero had a sixth sense about that. He was at Duo's side in a moment, supporting him, easing him down in the chair. Duo pushed Heero away, gently but firmly, then shook his head, "I'm fine, Hee-chan, don't let the food burn."
Heero frowned and let his fingertips linger on Duo's shoulder, scratching lightly at the material of the shirt, then moved over to the counter, not nearly as close to Relena as he had been before. "I didn't exactly mean it as a compliment," Relena said dryly.
Duo shook his head, feeling a wave of nausea come over him, realizing he should have eaten lunch before taking his medicine. Propping his elbows up on the table he leaned his chin on his hands and closed his eyes, hair spilling forward around him. He felt Heero behind him, then a feather light touch against his back, questioning.
"Oi, Heero, you wouldn't happen to have any of those crackers handy, would ya?" Duo asked, hating the helpless feeling that welled up inside. Heero didn't chastise in front of Relena, of which Duo was grateful, only settled the asked for item on the table and moved back to his sauce. Duo looked up at Relena as he took a bite of the cracker, the snap resounding loudly in his ears as he quirked an eyebrow. Duo hated the way Relena seemed to go perfectly with the small kitchen, hated the way she seemed to ooze into Heero's life so naturally while Duo had fought so hard for so long to be acknowledged. He wished he could change that.
"Yes, well, Relena, considering that I have two weeks left to live that's a compliment." Relena dropped her cup and it hit the floor with a loud crack, sending shattered glass in every direction and sticky soda along in rivers across the tile. Heero dropped the spoon onto the counter at the noise and turned, eyes instinctively falling onto Duo, before taking in the rest of the situation. In truth the blunt way Duo had said it had shocked him a bit too, but Heero had learned long ago it was just part of the Maxwell charm.
Seemingly oblivious to the shock that he had caused as Heero crouched down to help Relena pick up some of glass Duo continued to talk. "Hey, Hee-chan, I was wondering if we might be able to get some notebooks or something for me in the next couple of days. I'm going bored out of my mind with nothing to do."
"All you have to do is ask," Heero said, nodding his head as he sorted through a shelf of spices, leaving the spilt drink to be wiped up by Relena. "What did you want that stuff for?"
"I discovered that I liked writing in the last few years, and I've been doing it off and on. I find peace in writing." "I didn't know that about you," Heero stated, turning to glance at Duo before going back to what he was doing. "There's a lot of things you don't know, Heero," Duo said, pulling out another cracker. A lot of things you'll never know, he added silently.
"You're teasing me, right?" Relena asked as she recovered, still crouching with a damp cloth in her hand.
"No, I'm not teasing you, Relena. Why in god's name would I say something like that to be funny, after all the death I've seen and been responsible for? Even I'm not that hard-hearted," Duo whispered in a hard voice
Relena swallowed nervously and stood, rinsing the cloth out in the sink.
"I...I didn't mean to sound so...I didn't want it to be taken how you took it. It's just...I can't imagine...it's hard to imagine someone like you dying."
"Why's that?" Duo asked, narrowing his eyes and looking up at Relena, who stepped back against the counter unconsciously.
"It's just...just hard to imagine, that's all. It's hard for me to imagine you so vulnerable that death could touch you, that's all."
"Perhaps that's where you went wrong so long ago, not realizing that I was more fragile and more vulnerable than I looked, more so than you. That thought never even crossed your mind, did it, when Heero came to you, running from me? You knew where he came from; you probably didn't even spare a thought for what condition I was left in, seeing as how you got what you always wanted, and as long as the princess is happy the world can go fuck itself, can't it? You were a spoiled rotten brat then, I imagine you still are now."
Relena took a shocked step back, looking to Heero for perhaps a kind word in her favor, for him to stick up for her. Duo didn't even let either say anything. "Don't follow me," he hissed, stood, wavering from the rapid movement, then left the kitchen and stalked down the hall toward the bedroom.
Relena looked over at Heero again, whose brow was furrowed with his frown. He brought his eyes over to her, and then moved back to the sauce, "I'll go talk to him once the food's done, I'll let him cool off until then, but for now...for now I think we need to talk." She nodded meekly.
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~Journal Entry 9~
I can't even look at that perfect face without wanting to reach out and smack her, to see a red mark against her perfect skin, scratch her eyes out, to shake her and make her open her eyes and think of someone else for a change. Where did this bitterness come from? If anything I should be bitter with Heero, for what Heero did to me, not her, she's guilty of only the same thing that I'm guilty of, loving Heero. But it's her I want to hurt, it's her I want to make feel the pain and loneliness and heartache of three goddamn years. Three years worth of fear and disappointment and pain, three years of longing and that pressing scream of worthlessness. But it's her that knew someone was being hurt when Heero ran to her, she was the one who understood how human emotions worked, she's the one who didn't even think what sort of emotional wreck Heero was leaving behind, so why not blame her? I can see it in her eyes now, she still feels for Heero, and she doesn't want me to be around him because he feels something for me, something she knew he never felt for her. But I got him back, damn-it, I have him back, I'm where I belong, even if it's only for a little while, and she's here now. I can't hate him; I just can't do it, no matter how badly I have wanted to all these years. I love him too much to think like that towards him, so I guess that's why it all goes to Relena. I can't hate him, I don't have the energy, I don't have the desire to carry this bitter feeling in me any more, it's taking up space for all the feeling I do have now. And I don't have the energy to hate Relena either; it's almost a redundant feeling, to hate her. No, I'll try to get along with her, I know she's human, and I have to be honest with myself. If Heero had come to me, running from her, I would have greeted him with open arms and have never let go. But shit, that's alright for me, I deserve that sort of happiness, after all I've been through in my life, after all I've given and what's never been given back...Oh god, there's that pain again, ripping up my side and squeezing my lungs, daring me to breathe too deeply. Where's my...oh, damn-it, my meds are in the kitchen. Oh well, time to face the music...I guess. Just as soon as I can stand...
Maxwell...
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Duo leaned against the doorframe just outside the kitchen, catching his breath, before opening the door slowly and stepping in. He kept his head down, moving toward the cabinet, and began to speak before anyone could say anything, "Hey, sorry about the way I acted earlier...I don't know what came over me..." his words were cut short by Heero's arm sliding around his waist, leading him over to the table. "It's all right," Heero stated, sitting him down. "Relena's in the bathroom right now, and don't bother apologizing. I'm surprised you didn't get up and punch in the face; I could see the rage boiling beneath the surface. Are you alright?"
Duo smiled weakly and squeezed Heero's hand. "Could you get me...get me-." Heero pulled away and moved over to the counter. "Sure thing. I hope you can eat something a little spicy, not too much, but I did add some for flavor. Also, the doctor called, said something about you're having put a message on his voice mail. Here, take this, you should watch yourself better, make sure you take what you have to take when you have to take it."
Downing the pill Duo tilted his head back slowly to look up at Heero, who was studying him with concerned eyes. Pulling Heero down slowly Duo pressed a light kiss to his lips, then let him go, just a simple reassurance that Heero was still his, even if only for the moment. "What did he have to say?"
"He can see you tomorrow around three, if it's not too late." Duo shook his head, pulling his hair back slowly away from his face, tying it back. The door behind him opened, then Relena came back in slowly, easing down in the chair across from him without a word. Heero settled down in the chair adjacent to both of them and silently murmured a hope they would behave themselves during dinner.
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~Journal Entry 10~
Amazing. Heero's sound asleep and I'm writing this on his back, and he hasn't stirred yet...well, he stirred to see what I was doing but I told him to go back to sleep, I'm just jotting something down, and he did. Now, I know I'm the curious one, but when he wants to know something...well, he'll know it if it's the last thing he does. He has such a nice back, the smooth skin, the way it curves, the silky firmness of the flesh, and it makes a wonderful table. All right, I'm done ogling his perfect body. Make's sense, ne? I'm rambling, well, I'm nervous. I have that doctor appointment tomorrow, to see if the hair...well, no, I'm not going to dwell on that just now. Relena was actually polite at dinner, sweet even; I wonder what Heero said to her. And boy, the look on her face when she came out of the kitchen with her drink to find me on Hee-chan's lap, kissing. Priceless. I can die a happy man now...well, no, scratch that. That's like wishing for it to happen, don't want to call the grim reaper closer than he already is. Shit...I had to remind myself. Not like I had forgotten. It's kind of hard to forget when I have to remember to take my medicine or I have to grit my teeth through the pain that strikes no matter what I do, or when getting up and walking from the bedroom to the kitchen takes the breath from me, or sitting up for extended periods of time wears me out. I'm a gundam pilot, was a gundam pilot, and look at what I've been reduced to. I hate myself sometimes, I hate my life, and I hate everything. And there's pity in my friends eyes, pity. That's probably what Heero feels, but he's just so wonderful at hiding his feelings. Fuck, look at what I've done, I'm lying to myself again, and I know I'm lying to myself, I'm just not sure what I'm lying about. I...screw that; I'm too tired to get worked up right now. I'm over the anger thing, way over it, have been for years. I will not let it rule me, I will not let it rule me, and I will not let it rule me. Maybe if I keep telling myself that I might believe it someday, ne? I'm so full of shit. But hey, at least I know it, right?
Duo Maxwell
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The Most Bittersweet Gift part 7
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Duo leaned his head back a little, hands coming up to rub at the throat, sweeping along to the back where small tendrils of hair inevitably escaped the braid, rubbing in a soothing manner. It did little to ease the tense muscles and suddenly Duo's body temperature seemed to plummet, leaving him chilled in the room which he had been previously comfortable in. His eyes strayed over to Heero, who was sitting rigid, straight-backed in the somewhat comfortable chair, watching Duo's doctor's face, expression almost unreadable. Suddenly Duo wished that they had opted to sit on the couch again, so Duo could lean into the warm, comforting body, for more reasons than physical chill. Dr. Wright began to speak in his soft voice, the one normally reserved to soften the blow bad news brought with it, and that's all the answer Duo needed.
"I'm sorry, Duo. It does seem, unfortunately, that you do seem to be losing your hair. It's actually more normal than most think, since it's not a disease that's causing it, which is rare, and a combination of medicines. Sometimes it's unavoidable, if the medicine is doing what it's supposed to do. Eyesight may fail a bit, memory may get a bit fuzzy, in your case, hair loss. It's not the worst thing in the world, I suppose. It may not be entirely either, I think that the fact you have so much hair may be pulling down a bit more than needed and that's helping the rate at which it goes. My advice, to keep your hair for a bit longer, if it's planning on falling out on you at all, is to cut it. It'll last longer. Good news though."
"How's that?" Duo managed, fighting successfully to keep back the tears he had not allowed to fall for himself in so long.
"Well, it shows that you have actually been taking your medication. Only a long time on the medication would lead to such a build up like this, enough to cause the hair to weaken and the chemicals to differ slightly. Probably not good advice as far as you care, but there's nothing really that can be done as far as reversing the process." Doctor Wright paused, letting it sink in slowly and easily, then broke through the silence again, rising slightly in his chair, arms extended over his tabletop to Heero. "Pleasure seeing you again, sir, even though it had to be like this. I have another appointment, I had to squeeze this in, but that's really no bother, and don't hesitate to call if you need to see me about something, alright Duo?"
Duo nodded, not really hearing the blurred words as they fell on his deaf ears, mind numb from the shock of what was happening. He vaguely had the sensation of Heero pulling him up against his warm body, throwing an arm tightly around the waist, leading him away from the office and down the hall. He was blind to the others waiting to be seen as they looked on as the two young men passed, some with pity and sympathy for the obviously distraught pair, some with unease at seeing the two so close. He wasn't even sure how he made it to the car except to know he was there, the seatbelt pressing against his chest, staring out the windshield through narrow eyes. They weren't moving.
"Duo," Heero whispered from beside him, drawing Duo's attention outward, away from himself and towards the sound, and Duo looked over to see Heero settled beside him in the drivers seat, one arm thrown over the steering wheel, cheek resting against that arm, deep, burning, Prussian blue eyes focused solely and entirely upon him, Duo Maxwell.
"Yes?"
"I...I'm sorry."
Two little words that released the flood from behind a broken dam and Duo broke down into sobs, drawing his legs up to his chest and wrapping his arms around his knees, forehead resting against the knees. Heero moved closer and pulled Duo close, knowing without words being spoken the angst this caused him. Once the sobs had subsided and the breathing had evened out Duo lifted his head to look at Heero through blurred eyes. His hand came up, wiped absently with the back of his hand against his face. "What do you think I should do?" he whispered.
Heero smoothed the hair back away from Duo's face where they were coming loose (and not off, thank god, Heero thought), knowing he owed Duo the truth. "I think...I think you should cut it. He may be right, and besides, that much hair has to...it has to weigh you down, right? Especially when wet."
A moment's thought, then Duo nodded, and Heero wasn't sure if he was agreeing or answering the question posed. Another nod, then Duo lifted Heero's hand and pressed it against his flushed, tear-streaked cheek, tilting his head into the touch. "Alright," he breathed, voice breaking slightly. "Alright, if you think that's best."
"I do."
"Now, before I lose my nerve."
Heero reluctantly pulled his hand away, but caught Duo's hand and squeezed, settling their joined hands against his own cheek momentarily before letting go. Starting the car he glanced over at Duo, then back to the road.
The position was alien to him, but he accepted whole-heartedly and without thought as he chattered on and on about nothing in particular. Not his style, this was Duo's thing, but Duo was silent and Heero didn't want Duo to back out or draw into himself. He had to respect the American though, after trying to talk for five minutes about nothing and finding his already struggling monologue was collapsing in on it's self, and this was something Duo could do for hours upon hours at a time.
"That's an awful lot of hair, there," the barber remarked, looking at the braided chestnut rope snaking it's way down the back of the chair. "And you want me to cut it all off, hmmm, where do you want it cut at?"
Those heartbroken violet eyes jumped over to Heero without a second thought and Heero cursed the fact he would have to make this decision. Moving from where he was in front of Duo, blocking Duo's view of the mirror and of the barber's hands, to where the older man stood, and studied the braid. The braid, which had become as much of a part of Duo as the cross around his neck, or the maniac grin on his lips, or the ever-present chatter. It took a full minute for Heero to decide, and then he slowly touched a place on the braid, several inches below the shoulders, feeling Duo wince at that light contact. He hissed under his breath he wanted the braid intact, unable to part with it even if it had to part from its owner.
Duo's eyes were shut tightly, humming lightly under his breath, but he still knew the exact moment the braid was cut, as the ever-present weight, the ever-present reminder it had served all these years, was suddenly no longer there. Followed closely was the thought that Heero loved his hair, would Heero love him now that it was gone?
There was no time to ponder that as Heero petted the back of Duo's hand gently, silent, the barber not as silent as he trimmed the now shorter hair, it reaching to some point one fourth down his back, where before it had dangled teasingly against his thighs, brushing his knees when he wore shorts, getting caught up in doors and being sat on. Never again, a little voice whispered in his mind.
"Heero," Duo whispered. "Take me home."
Heero looked up, and then nodded, feeling a smile touch his lips. Yes, he would take Duo home.
"Not likely, he's been sitting on the couch like that ever since I brought him home at two-thirty and it's near about six," Heero answered, glancing over at Relena, who was peeking out of the open kitchen door watching where Duo sat, glass of water by his side, writing in one of the notebooks Heero had bought him on the way back from their appointment and the impromptu murder of the braid.
"Do you think he'll eat dinner, even if he doesn't come to the table?"
"Doesn't matter," Heero answered, looking over his shoulder with a frown at Duo, who's hair had promptly been pulled back into a ponytail and left there, not touched once since then. Heero had to admit he liked the new look, it was different, and while the other look made Duo into a fey creature, this gave him back the masculinity that was lost in the trailing feet of hair. It framed his face, making him appear more delicate, but stronger at the same time. "I'm going to make him eat, even if I have to feed him myself," Heero explained.
"So the hair had to go to slow the process of him losing it all very fast, so now he looses only bits very slow," Relena asked. Heero nodded. "I imagine he's feeling very insecure right about now, then," Relena stated. The obvious was left unsaid, Duo had been feeling very insecure for a long time, and the bulk of the insecurity started when Relena had appeared on the doorstep.
"I love him," Heero told her, looking back. "Did you know that?"
"Yes. Does he know that?"
"I don't know," Heero admitted.
Just then Duo looked up at them, eyes on Heero first, then moving to Relena, tracing a path down the waist length hair. Relena glanced over at Heero. "I'm going to talk to him," she said. "Don't interrupt."
Closing the kitchen door behind her she settled next to Duo on the couch and stared ahead at the blank television screen a moment.
"Yes Relena," Duo urged, seeing she had no intentions of getting up and moving away anytime soon.
"Are you alright?"
"What do you care?"
"I do, I have no choice. I adore Heero and you make Heero happy, so I have to care, even if I don't want to. Don't worry, I do. I wronged you, I'm sorry."
"What's that?" Duo looked up.
"You heard me, I wronged you, and I'm sorry. You were right, what you said yesterday. I'm older now, and if this me was looking back on the younger, more spoiled me, I would tell her to face the facts and see that Heero can never be mine, his heart belongs somewhere else, and to make sure it returns to it's home. He's found a home in you, Duo. I don't know if he realized it or not."
Duo pressed the pencil against the paper again but it didn't move. "What are you writing?" "I'm just writing. I like to write; it helps me release my feelings. I used to be a cutter, but that's dangerous, so instead I take my aggression out on paper with a pencil, not on my skin with a razor."
"Does Heero know?" Relena asked, faintly surprised, looking over at Duo.
Duo nodded, "Hai, he knows. It wasn't a new thing, and he came back to the safe house early from a mission to find me on the bathroom floor, razor in one hand, the blood seeping from a shallow cut I had made in my arm onto the floor, watching it with dull, disinterested eyes. He freaked out, as much as he could freak out, ripping it out of my hand and threatening to kill me if I ever did it again. I think it scared him, or it was something he couldn't understand. Self-mutilation, only those who practice it can understand what release it brings. If I hadn't made that promise, that's probably where I would be right now, under the hot spray of the shower, razor in hand, but something tells me I wouldn't have stopped until I had made enough cuts to stop the pain forever." Duo lifted haunted eyes to Relena's then back down to the paper where the pencil was still poised to write.
"I hate you," he whispered. "I hate you because I can't hate him, and there's no more room for self-hatred left, it's already all taken up space for other matters. And that's not the half of it. I hate you because you don't hate me, because you even seem to care, like now, you seem on the verge of something nice, liking pulling me into a hug, but you know me well enough to know that will only make me hate you more. Doesn't that just suck, you're being punished for a crime you know nothing of?"
"Is that how you felt?" Relena asked in a whisper.
"Yes, among things. What do you think that said to me, that the person I had loved more than life itself, who I would have done anything for, leaves me when I needed him the most, simply because I needed him. Maybe if he had run to someone else it would have hurt less, I wouldn't have been so upset over the loss. But no, it was you, the peace-endorsing, perfect, rich, spoiled, faultless Miss Relena Peacecraft. What do you think that said to me, the street rat from L2, the orphan who had no family, no friends, no home to return to after the war, the plague that brought death with him everywhere he went. Heero was innocent, he just didn't know it.
"I know why the doctor's can't understand why I'm dying, why they think it's a mutated version of the engineered plague which swept my home, and that only because there's no better explanation. Would you like to know why, Relena? It's because they've never before seen what's killing me, what's eating me alive from the inside out, and yes, that's what it feels like. The reason they can't find anything is because I've poisoned myself. I've poisoned myself with my bitterness and now it's killing me. And you know what, I must deserve it, or else why would it have happened?"
"Oh Duo," Relena breathed. "You don't honestly believe that, do you?"
Duo was silent, shading the lines of his paper along the margins, almost like she wasn't there, and then he spoke softly. "Leave me alone, Relena."
Relena got up slowly and went into the kitchen, before retreating to the guest bedroom with a plate.
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Alright, just wanted to say, but didn't want to clutter up above, thank you everyone who has been sending me the feedback on this story, and I'm getting it out as fast as I can. Sorry about the deathfic, but I had to get it out of my system. Probably won't write another like it for a while, and if I do, I doubt I'll target Duo.
^_^