Chapter 13

Julian walked into his quarters on DS9. Vicki Ann was staying with him now that the
Enterprise was docked. He saw that Vicki Ann and Deanna were sitting at the table in the
dining room. He smiled at them. Vicki Ann just stood and ran into the other room. Julian
sighed and sat down at the table with his head on his arms.

Deanna put her hand on his arm. "Julian, it's nothing personal. You have to understand
that she's very vulnerable right now and she's afraid of getting hurt. She's making herself
distant to protect herself."

Julian looked at her, his eyes blazing with anger; anger at himself, at Tom. "But she should
know that I won't hurt her!"

"She does, Julian, but her fear is in control right now, not her mind. You just have to give
her some time. Keep trying, though. Social support is very important during times like this."

Julian nodded.

She stood. "If you need me, let me know."

"I will." After she left, he went into the other room and tried to talk to Vicki Ann. She just
ignored him. He sighed and said, "Alright. You don't have to talk. I have to go speak with
Kira, anyway. So if you need me. . . I'll be in her office."

She didn't reply, but he knew she heard him.

Julian turned his back on her and went to Kira's office. Maybe a kindred spirit will help.

Kira stepped onto the turbolift and told the computer her destination. She was on her way
to Julian's quarters. He had asked her to talk to Vicki Ann about the assault and her own
experiences in the Occupation. She had no idea what to say. Hello, Vicki Ann. Julian
asked me to talk to you about my experiences. She sighed.

That's good. I'll just remind her even more about her experience when all she wants to do
is forget it ever happened. Although, it does help to know you're not alone in a situation
like this. She decided that it was a good idea to talk to Vicki Ann. The turbolift stopped.
"Well, here I go." She rang the chime for Julian's quarters. No answer. "Computer, where is
Dr. Troi?"

"Dr. Troi is in Dr. Bashir's quarters."

She rang the chime again and leaned toward the door. "Vicki Ann, it's Kira. I'd like to talk
to you."

No answer.

Kira flashed back to herself after she had been assaulted during the Occupation. She saw
herself lying in the street, her clothes dirty and torn to pieces. Her face, bloody and
bruised, was against the ground. She could felt a sharp pain in her chest as if she'd broken
a rib or two and her head spun when she lifted it up. She thought she heard someone
calling her name.

"Nerys?"

It was Shakkar. He helped her up and took her back to the camp. A few days later, while
everyone was sleeping, she took his dagger. She wandered outside and away from the
camp. Shakkar had noticed that she had left. When he found her, her arms were covered
with blood and the dagger lay in her hand. He had taken her back to camp and wrapped
her wrists. It had taken long time, but she had gotten over her fears and had been able to
get on with her life.

Kira's mind instantly thought the worst. She frantically overrode the security lock and
raced into Julian's quarters. She went into the bedroom. She quickly scanned the room and
saw Vicki Ann, lying unconscious on the bed. A Klingon dagger lay beside her. Flashes of
red hit Kira's eyes as she ran over to the bed. "Vicki Ann!" She grabbed Vicki Ann's comm
badge off the night table and placed it on her. Then she tapped her own. "Medical
emergency! Transport Dr. Troi and myself to the infirmary! Dr. Bashir report to the
infirmary immediately!" Kira grabbed Vicki Ann's wrists and tried to use her hands to stop
the bleeding as they shimmered and disappeared.

Julian sprinted into the infirmary. He saw his nurses frantically rushing around a patient. He
saw Kira sitting on a biobed, sobbing, her hands covered in blood. As Julian approached
the patient, one of the nurses moved and he saw that the patient was wearing a blue
medical uniform. Oh God, no. He forced himself not to look and asked one of the nurses
to fill him in.

"Patient slit their wrists with a Klingon dagger. 20% blood loss."

Julian started giving out orders to the nurses as he checked the extent of the damage.
"These cuts are too deep for the dermal regenerator. Get me some bandages." He repaired
what damage he could, cleaned up the wounds and bandaged her wrists. He again forced
himself not to look at her face and instead at the life signs monitor. He told the nurses to
start administering the transfusion and that he would be back to check on her. Julian
cleaned himself up and then went over to Kira. "Are you alright?" he asked her, his voice
still calm.

She looked up at him, her eyes filled with fear. Her eyes focused on him and the fear
disappeared. She nodded. "I'm fine. I just had a flashback when I found her."

Julian handed her a towel to wipe her hands with. "What happened?" he asked, his voice
shaking slightly.

"I don't know. I went to go see her, like you asked me too, and she didn't answer. The
computer said she was there and for some reason, I thought of myself when I had been
attacked. I had slit my wrists with Shakkar's dagger and for some reason, I thought she
might have done something similar. I overrode the privacy lock and went in. As soon as I
found her, I called the infirmary."

Julian nodded. He sighed and leaned against the biobed. "I can't believe she did this. She
has a million friends she can talk to. Both her sister and close friend are psychologists.
Why did she feel like this was her only option?"

"Julian, after something like that happens, you feel as if the world has crashed down on
you. You don't think you can trust anyone. Honestly, I'm surprised she lets any man near
her."

"That means she's able to discriminate that it was one man who did this to her and that
the entire male species isn't evil," Ezri said, as she walked up to them. "Which is a good
thing. Maybe we can use her trust in you, Julian, in her recovery."

"How can we help her if she's going to try and kill herself?"

"Can you take some time off from the infirmary? To stay with her?" Ezri asked.

"Wait, we could take shifts. When I'm off duty, I can spend time with her, and so can you
Ezri. That way, Julian won't have to leave the infirmary. He can spend the rest of his time
with her," Kira suggested. She smiled slightly. "It won't be any different than normal for
Julian."

Ezri nodded. "That's a good idea. The thing is, we can't make her feel like she's being
watched constantly. We have to incorporate her therapy into this time. I can work with
her when I'm with her. Kira, you can get her to talk and you can share your experiences
with her. Julian, you can try to help her to see that life is worth living and try to make her
feel better. How's that?"

Kira and Julian nodded.

"Good. I suggest you take the rest of the day off, Julian and take her back to your
quarters when she wakes up. Spend the day with her. Try to get her to talk about it, if
you can. If not, make sure she knows that she can come to you if she has these feelings
again. Other than that, just let her know that you care about her and that she's not
alone. That's the most important thing. She has to know that she has people to help her
through this."

Julian Bashir walked over to the bar in Quark's and asked the Ferengi for a drink. He sighed
and sat down at the bar, waiting for Quark to return. He felt a hand on his shoulder and
turned around. He was greeted by O'Brien's smiling face.

"Ready to be beaten at darts?"

Julian forced a smile. "Only if I let you win."

As Quark brought Julian his drink, O'Brien sat down at the bar. He watched his friend down
a third of his drink in one gulp. He could see the exhaustion, both physical and mental, on
Julian's face. He wanted to ask how everything was, but was unsure of how to word it. He
looked at the bar for a moment and then turned to Julian. "Rough day?"

Julian almost laughed. "You could say that. But then again, lately, every day is a rough
day."

"Well, that's what happens when you're the best doctor around."

"I wish it was thought simple."

O'Brien wasn't getting anywhere. He was hoping that Julian would mention the situation
with Vicki Ann, but he was clearly avoiding it. "And everything else?"

Julian looked at him. "Everything else is why I'm here." He sighed. "I'm going stir crazy in
those quarters. I feel like all I'm doing is talking to the wall. She doesn't even listen to me
anymore. Sometimes I feel it would be best if she had separate quarters."

"But the fact that she chose to stay with you shows that she hasn't turned away from
you completely. She still trusts you enough to let you near her."

"Yes, but it's like I'm not even there."

"Julian, she may not be answering you when you talk to her, but I'm sure just the sound of
your voice is some comfort to her."

"If I'm a comfort to her, then why am I constantly being told to leave by Ezri or Kira? Why
does she turn away when I come near her? Why am I sleeping on the couch instead of by
her side? Why does she cry alone at night and hide her tears when I come to comfort her?
If I'm a comfort to her, why is she pushing me away?"

"I don't know. I'm just an engineer, not a counselor. Have you talked to Ezri or Deanna
about this?"

"They keep telling me the same thing: that she needs time."

"Well, then give it to her."

"It's not that simple, Miles."

"Why not?"

"Because she may not have time."

O'Brien was confused. "I don't understand."

"I assume you heard that she was brought into the infirmary today." When O'Brien nodded,
Julian continued. "Do you know why she was brought in? She tried to kill herself. Slit her
wrists with Jadzia's dagger. Luckily, I had sent Kira to speak with her or I would be
performing an autopsy on my girlfriend right now."

"I'm sorry, Julian."

"Don't be sorry. I should have expected it. It's common in situations like hers. I should
have seen it coming." He hesitated before his next words. "I shouldn't have left her alone."
He downed the rest of his drink.

"It's not your fault."

"Not totally."

"Not at all. You're not responsible for her actions. You can't blame yourself for what she
chose to do."

"Not only am I supposed to be her doctor, but the man she loves. The man she expects to
protect her, to take care of her. And I haven't done anything but cause her pain. Because
I wasn't there."

"Is that what this is about?"

"What?"

"You're upset that you weren't there when it happened? Julian, you can't be expected to
be by her side twenty-four hours a day. Keiko and I are married and we don't even spend
that much time together. Besides, when it happened, you were here, on DS9, where you
belong, and she was God knows where. It wasn't under your control, so stop blaming
yourself for it."

"I suppose you're right," Julian replied, although O'Brien bet he really didn't mean it. "You
know, I really don't feel much like playing darts tonight. I think I'm going to head back to
my quarters and get some sleep."

O'Brien nodded. "That sounds like a good idea. Good night, Julian."

"Good night, Miles." Julian stood and headed back to his quarters, even though it was the
last place he wanted to be.

A few weeks later, Vicki Ann walked into the shrine. She laughed quietly to herself. This is
the last place I'd thought I'd be. "Look," she said. "I'm not exactly what you could call a
religious person, after all, I am a scientist. But I do know that something exists. Something
above us and even the Q. After all, if Jadzia believed enough to come in here and talk to
you, there's a pretty good chance you exist.

"I also know that everything happens for a reason and nothing is left to chance. And as a
scientist, I have trouble accepting things if I can't find a reason for them. So, I'm asking
for a little help. Once I know the reasons for everything that has happened, I can accept
it, deal with it and move on. And I really need to move on. So, I guess I'm asking for a
leap of faith." She laughed and then grew serious. "Please."

There was a blinding flash of light and Vicki Ann was knocked unconscious.