The Adventures of Solid Snake
Episode Three: Metal Gear Santa (Part Two)
When we last saw Solid Snake he was in the clutches of his evil and very gay brother, Liquid Snake. Liquid, filled with anger and hate, strapped his twin brother into a torture device and fried the hell out of him. After the torture, Snake was dragged off to his cell. And now, the conclusion.
Solid Snake's Cell, 9:07 PM
Solid Snake awoke in a cold cell, his head and body aching badly. Man, he thought to himself. This is worse than a hangover! Snake pulled himself to his feet, feeling a bit dizzy. His shirt and shoes were gone, but his pants (thank God), he still wore.
"It sure is cold in here," Snake mumbled to himself.
Outside of his cell, a guard hissed, "Shattup in there!"
"Bite me, asshole," Snake muttered under his breath. The guard didn't hear him. Snake quickly took a look around, saw only one door (locked) in his small cell, and then sat down hard on the concrete floor. "Well, Otacon," Snake said to himself, "if you don't show up, I'm a gonner."
Otacon's Personal Quarters, 9:07 PM
"If I don't stop Liquid," Otacon said to himself, "Snake'll be a gonner!"
As if on command, the door swung open, revealling Liquid Snake. He seemed to be in a bit of distress, and that was when Otacon realized the problem. Liquid's life support system was malfuntioning. He couldn't breath.
Good! Otacon thought to himself. Now he'll die and I'll be free!
"Help me, you bastard!" Liquid choked.
"What makes you think I will?" Otacon asked smugly.
Liquid raised a FA-MAS assault rifle and pointed it in the general direction of Otacon's crotch. The frightened Otacon reacted quickly, rushing to Liquid's side. It took a few seconds of fiddling about with the wires before the life support was back on-line.
"Snake, you sonuvabitch," Liquid muttered after he had gotten his breath. "If he hadn't found me pleasuring myself with a stick of jerky in that freezer, I wouldn't have to be hooked up to this damned thing!"
"Well," said Otacon, bravely. "I'd say you deserved it!"
"Ungrateful little shit," Liquid spat. He shot out a muscular right arm and caught an unsuspecting Otacon in the balls. The nerdy scientist squealed, fell to the floor, and passed out.
Liquid grinned widely and quickly left the room.
Colonel Campbell's...Office, 9:45 PM
Colonel Roy Campbell bit into a meatball sandwich (which he had found lying discarded in the dumpster) while he read the latest issue of "Large Asses", the magazine devoted to people's large asses. The cover of this such particular issue featured the hairy and sagging butt of Ernest Borgnine. Campbell saw this as sexual entertainment.
"Oh, Ernie," Campbell whispered. "How you light my FIRE!"
Without warning, Campbell's Codec began to beep loudly and rapidly. The Colonel reached for the device, activated it, and was greeted by Mei Ling. The hot and young Japanese woman looked worried. No matter. Roy Campbell would get to the bottom of it!
"What do you want, Mei Ling?" Campbell asked.
"I just thought that you would like to know," said Mei Ling, "that I have not heard from Snake."
"So what?" Campbell muttered. "We NEVER hear from him!"
"Yes," Mei Ling continued, "but I REALLY thought he was going to call me. He's such a hunk of a man, you know..."
"Ah, um," the Colonel gasped. "I-I don't know what you mean! Homosexual? Who ever said I was THAT?"
Mei Ling looked puzzled. "What ARE you talking about, Roy?"
Relieved that Mei Ling had not discovered his terrible secret, Campbell said quickly, "Oh. I-It's nothing."
"Wait a minute," Mei Ling said. "Is that a naked picture of...ERNEST BORGNINE!?"
"I can explain, dammit!" Campbell roared.
"Sir, I never would have guessed that you were interested in men," Mei Ling began. "I was quite sure that it was cows, b-but...MEN?"
"Ahem," the Colonel said, embarassingly. "I-I y'know...just get the, um...the, uh, magazines for th-the...articles. Yes! Articles! That's all."
"There is a saying where I come from," Mei Ling said. "If you purchase a homosexual magazine for entertainment, you are a homosexual."
"I'm not so sure that's a saying," Campbell mumbled.
The serious face of Mei Ling disappeared as she deactivated her Codec. Campbell was once again left alone to stare at Ernest Borgnine's ass.
"You are so CUTE!" Campbell whispered.
Solid Snake's Cell, 10:13 PM
Snake, now almost fully recovered from his terrible ordeal, had hatched a near fool-proof plan. He would pretend that he was dead, and when the guard noticed that there was something wrong he would come into the cell, and then Snake would kick his sorry ass!
"It's brilliant!" Snake exclaimed.
"Shut the hell up, you bastard!" the guard shrieked.
"Touchy little shit," Snake grumbled.
It was time to work the ol' Solid Snake "charm".
"Oh!" Snake cried, clutching his chest. "Oh...OOOH! This is the worst pain EVER! UGH!" Snake did his worst performance ever and collapsed in a jumbled heap.
The guard, having the intellegence of a half retarted lab rat, believed that the prisoner was truly dead. He quickly unlocked the door and rushed inside.
Snake bolted straight up just as the guard exclaimed, "Hey! You're not dead!"
The foolish guard had neither the time to scream nor the time to shit himself. Snake kicked him in the groin and snapped his neck in two.
"Ahh," Snake whispered dreamily. "Nothing like the sound of snapping bone and senew in the...evening."
Snake robbed the guard of his FA-MAS and clothing, then rushed out of the cell and into a nearby hallway. He continued on, not knowing exactly what he was doing. Who should he contact? Who should he avoid? What was Meryl wearing at that exact moment? Perhaps nothing? Perhaps not!
A Large Storage Facility, 10:21 PM
Liquid smiled to himself as he stared up at the behemoth of a robot. Standing exactly one hundred feet tall, it was (without a doubt), almost unstoppable. The doomsday weapon had only one flaw, one weakness...it's unshielded groin, where most of the vital circuitry was located. No matter, Liquid thought. Snake would be dead before he get a chance to even SHOOT the robot's nuts.
"Our little glitch is fixed?" Liquid asked Otacon, who was busy cowering in the corner.
"Uh, y-yes," squeaked the scientist.
"You may take him back to his room." Liquid motioned to two armed henchmen, who dragged Otacon away and out of sight.
Liquid returned his attention to the robot. He smiled again.
"Time for you to see your late Christmas present, Snake," Liquid said to himself. He began to chuckle.
Colonel Campbell's...Office, 10:33 PM
"Welcome to the Farm Lover's Channel. All farm animals, all the time."
Campbell stared, open mouthed, at the television screen. Beastiality was one of his favorite forms of pornography, and he loved it very dearly.
"Tonight's movie," said the T.V., "is 'Milk The Cow', the 1987 classic that brought you animal lovers to your knees."
"I can vouch for THAT!" Campbell said as he quickly jerked off into a bowl of cream of mushroom soup.
Any moment, Campbell thought. Any moment that damn Codec will beep. I know it!
But, it never did.
Janitor's Closet, 10:34 PM
Snake ripped open the door of the janitor's closet, peered inside. A mop, a bucket of grey water...and a cardboard box marked "Snake's Belongings"!
The box was quickly torn apart and looted. Snake donned his gear (which included his Codec) and rushed out of the closet. He grabbed the communication device that was his Codec and quickly rang up Mei Ling.
"Hello," said Mei Ling. "Oh...SNAKE! Where have you been?"
"No time for small talk," Snake said. "I'm trapped in some sort of underground base. Liquid is running the show."
"Your twin brother?" questioned Mei Ling.
"Yes."
"Well," Mei Ling said, a sexy and aroused smile spreading across her face, "I'm sure there's a LITTLE time to chat."
"Not really," Snake said, matter of factly. "Liquid probably has his soldiers looking for me right now. I'm not safe here."
"Oh, come on, Snake!" Mei Ling nearly shrieked. "Talk dirty to me!"
"Woah, lady!" Snake exclaimed. "I think we got our signals crossed here. You see, I need help."
"Then why didn't you call the Colonel?"
At this, Snake shuddered and groaned. "You can't POSSIBLY expect me to call Roy!"
"Well," Mei Ling said plainly. "Then I can't help you."
"You little whore!" Snake yelled. "You were always so helpful!"
"Perhaps," said Mei Ling quietly. "But that was the old Mei Ling. I'm not your bitch anymore, Solid Snake!"
"Please," Snake pleaded. "Mei Ling, I apologize. Please, get me out of this mess!"
"There is a saying where I come from, Snake," Mei Ling began. "If you don't talk dirty to a girl, she won't pull your sorry ass out of the fire."
"I've had enough of your sayings, you dirty slut," Snake growled. He was seething with anger now. "If you won't help me, I guess I'll just have to help myself!!"
Snake threw the Codec and watched as it landed in the bucket of dirty water. It fizzed, crackled, and died. So long, you bitch! Snake thought to himself. Ahah!
"So there you are, brother," came the voice of Liquid. Snake whipped around and came face-to-face with his twin brother. "You were making such a racket," Liquid continued. "It was almost a shame to have to shut you up."
"I suppose you're going to kill me now," Snake mumbled.
"Yes," said Liquid, "but first I want to show you something."
A Large Storage Facility, 10:47 PM
Snake stared in amazement as he entered the large warehouse. A gigantic robotic Santa Claus, perhaps a hundred feet high, stood in the center of the facility. Liquid smirked.
"Amazing!" Snake exclaimed.
"Yes," Liquid gloated. "It is."
"You've actually managed to create something utterly stupid!"
"What!?" Liquid hissed.
Snake turned around and smiled. "I just find it funny how you put so much time and effort into...THIS." He gestured to the gigantic eyesore.
"You sorry little meanie!" Liquid gasped. "I'm gonna bitch-slap you like you'd NEVER believe!"
Liquid struck. He lunged forward, hissing, swiping with his feminine hands. His form was terrible, and he missed by a mile. Snake dodged easily, tripped his brother, and then twisted his arm behind his back.
"OW!" Liquid shrieked. He continued to squeal like a little girl.
"Say UNCLE!" Snake roared.
"Never!" Liquid screamed. "I'll never say!"
Snake twisted Liquid's arm at an odd angle, heard the familiar snap of a compound fracture, and kicked his brother in the head.
"UNCLE!" Liquid nearly screamed at the top of his lungs. "UNCLE I SAY!!!"
Snake released his death-grip and stomped on Liquid's hand. Liquid quickly curled up into a little ball and began to cry.
"Fucking pussy," Snake spat. "Never could win at a MAN's fight!"
Before Snake could continue to taunt his weaker and much more gay brother, the loud growl of hydrolics filled the warehouse. Snake turned and stared in horror as the gigantic Metal Gear Santa roared into life!
"Holy shit," Snake groaned. "This is a whole new ball game!"
Metal Gear Santa let out a Godzilla-like roar and stomped toward the unarmed Solid Snake. Liquid, however, giggled. He giggled as if this were some sort of terribly funny joke. Snake on the other hand, ran his ass off.
Snake ran over to a guard who was standing nearby, paralized with fear. He never noticed Snake as he stole his FA-MAS. Solid Snake turned to face Metal Gear Santa, let out a war cry, and began to fire.
Hot tracer bullets streaked through the air, striking the robot in the shins, and richocheted off harmlessly. Snake cursed and leaped to his left as the Metal Gear released its own lead. Twin miniguns dropped down from the robot's armpits and began to unload 3000 rounds a minute, all of which striking the unlucky bastard of a guard.
"I can't beat this thing!" Snake hissed.
Metal Gear Santa roared again, and launched two side-winder missiles. The point of having a robot equipped with side-winders was unclear to Snake at that moment, but it didn't really matter all that much anyway.
The two missles struck the wall a few yards from Snake, the explosion lifting him off of his feet and then flinging him across the warehouse. After rolling a couple dozen times and ending up in a jumbled heap, Snake decided that he had lost.
But then: "Go for the crotch, Snake. The crrrrroooottttch!"
The voice of Otacon spoke to him from far away, perhaps in his head. Somehow, Snake decided, Otacon was speaking to him telepathically. It was the only way to explain...but then Snake saw Otacon with a megaphone, speaking to him from a booth a few stories above.
"Well," Snake muttered, "that shoots down MY theory!"
Snake grabbed the wall and pulled himself to his feet. He then turned to Metal Gear Santa, his FA-MAS drawn. One chance, that's all he had...
Suddenly, the robot unleashed a metal tentacle with a three-fingered hand at the tip. The hand grabbed Snake and pulled him up close to the robot's face. Damn! Snake thought. Liquid had obviously modeled this Santa after himself! What an UGLY sonavubitch!
"HO HO HO!" The robotic Santa Claus roared.
"Fuck you!" Snake screamed. He pointed the assault rifle in the direction of the robot's groin, and held the trigger. A long spray of FA-MAS fire streaked through the air, hitting their mark.
Sparks exploded from where the robot's dick would have been, had he been equipped with such, well, equipment. And then, a giant fireball as the vital circuits fizzed and burst. The robot's eyes flickered and he uttered a weak "HO HO...HO?"
And then...BOOM! The robot's lower half exploded, leaving the top half suspended in the air for a brief, almost magical moment, before it too tumbled to the metal floor in a flaming heap of wreckage. Snake was flung clear of the blast, oh yes indeedy! How could he die? Being the hero of the story and all, it would just be cruel!
Outside the Warehouse, Midnight
Snake watched in satisfaction as the warehouse exploded, sending deadly flaming shrapnel in all directions.
"I'm just glad all of the good guys in this story lived!" Snake exclaimed.
Suddenly, Otacon appeared from the wreckage, clutching his wounded belly. "Snake..." he gasped.
The scientist collapsed and fell face-first in the snow. Snake rushed to his side, grabbed him up in his arms, and screamed: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Does Otacon die? Does Meryl appear to Snake in the nude? Does the Colonel continue to watch animal porn? The answer to all of these questions is "YES". Well, except for the part where Otacon dies. He lives, unfortunately. He did, however, have to spent six months in the hospital.
"His injuries were THAT serious?" questioned Snake, after hearing the news.
"No," the doctor replied. "We were able to repair his innards within two hours. But afterwards, in the recovery room, an angry Metal Gear fan broke into the hospital and shot him fifty times with a Glock 40."
"That would require quite a bit of reloading, wouldn't it?" Snake said. "Why didn't anyone try to stop him?"
"Well," said the doctor. "To be pefectly honest, we all share his views. Death to Otacon!"
"What a shitty ending," Liquid mumbled. "The readers never found out what happened to ME!"
"Everyone knows you died in that horrible warehouse explosion," Snake said.
"Or...so you THINK!" Liquid exclaimed. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!"
THE END...? Yes, it is.