Note: This story dates back to the ancient and forgotten time of 1997, when people still watched the X-Files, Bill Clinton was still president, and — believe it or not — people still connected to the Internet on dial-up! Kinda hard to imagine that it was only 14 years ago, isn't it?
New this Christmas from Twentieth Century Fox
From "X-Files" creator Chris Carter
and "Anastasia" creator Don Bluth
comes the thrilling animated movie that reveals the greatest mystery in Fox history —
S A M A N T H A
Here's an exciting sneak peek!
Fox Mulder: The year was 1973, and the royal family of the FBI lived a grand life of elegant palaces and fine parties. My father, William Mulder, the nation's official Drug Czar, had decreed that a grand ball was to be held in honor of the nation's 200th anniversary.
Okay, so it was 3 years before the 200th anniversary. Ain't you heard of artistic license?
Many assistant directors and other nobles were present that night, but no star shone brighter than that of the Grand Duchess Samantha, my youngest sister.
I was just about to depart for school in Washington, D.C., but Samantha begged me not to go. To make the separation easier, I gave her a special music box to remember me by.
Samantha: For me? Oh, thank you, Fox!
Fox: Read what it says on the key.
Samantha: "Together in D.C."? Oh, Fox, do you mean it?
Fox: Of course. I promise we'll be together in D.C. soon.
But we would never be together in D.C., because a dark shadow would soon fall over our lives. His name was Cancer Man. We thought he was a government man, but he was a fraud; power-mad and dangerous.
Cancer Man enters with his bat, Krychek.
Czar William Mulder: How dare you return here?
Cancer Man: But, I am your confidante!
Czar William: Confidante, hah! You are a traitor!
Cancer Man: You think you can banish me? By the extraterrestrial powers vested in me, I banish you with a curse! I will not rest until I see the end of the Mulder line FOREVER!
Cancer Man raises his green, glowing alien energy rod and blasts a chandelier from the ceiling.
Fox: Consumed by hatred for the Mulder family, Cancer Man sold his body to alien scientists for the power to destroy them. Soon afterwards, a great flying saucer descended upon the FBI palace, and hordes of little gray aliens swarmed out, abducting everything in their path! We ran for our lives, but Samantha wouldn't leave without her music box. As the aliens closed in, all seemed hopeless until a servant boy named Byers opened a secret door and helped us escape. However, Cancer Man followed us and closed in for the kill!
Krychek: Master, they're getting away!
Cancer Man: Nothing can save you now! Ha Ha Ha!
He fires a blast of alien energy at Samantha, but she quickly ducks in front of a car. The beam reflects off the car's side mirror and blasts Cancer Man to the ground. However, the aliens are still pursuing them. As Fox and Samantha rush to the bus station, Samantha falls to the ground and hits her head just as Fox jumps onto the speeding vehicle. Fox's last view of Samantha is as she lies on the ground, surrounded by Grays.
Fox: SAMANTHAAAAAA!
Cut to twenty-five years later, in the town of St. Petersburg... Florida.
Woman: Thank you for calling GTE Internetworking, my name is Michelle, may I have your user ID please?
Man: User ID? What's that? Look, I've called ten times about this local access number being down. When are you going to fix it?
Woman: (to herself) You've called ten times and you still don't know what a user ID is? What a moron.
Man: What was that?
Woman: I'm sorry, but St. Petersburg, Clearwater, and Tampa are all still down, and I have no idea when they'll be back up again. Thank you for calling GTE Internetworking! (click)
Music starts.
Man 1: St. Petersburg is gloomy!
Man 2: St. Petersburg is bleak!
Man 3: The local access number has been down all week!
All: Since GTE took over, our lives have been so gray.
Thank goodness for the newsgroups that get us through the day! Hey!
Have you heard, there's a rumor on the Internet;
Have you heard, what they're saying on the Web?
Man: Although the Czar did not survive, one daughter may be still alive!
All: The Grand Duchess Samantha!
Woman: And maybe her cat Jeb!
All: It's a rumor, a legend, a mystery!
Was she abducted by the Greys or by a Fed?
It's a rumor that made X-File history!
Woman: They say her FBI brother will pay a royal sum,
All: To find out whether she's alive or dead!
UFO Fan 1: A dollar for this implant — it's alien, I swear!
UFO Fan 2: Spaceship pieces from Roswell, comrades, buy a pair!
UFO Fan 3: I got this from a UFO (pronounced you-foe), it's lined with E.T. fur!
All: It could be worth a fortune, if it belonged to her!
Byers: It's the rumor, the legend, the mystery!
It's the Grand Duchess Samantha who will help us fly!
You and I, friend, will make X-File history!
We'll find a girl to play the part and teach her what to say, dress her up and take her to D.C.!
Imagine the reward her FBI brother will pay!
Who else could pull it off but you and me?
We'll be rich!
Frohicke: We'll be rich!
Byers: We'll be out!
Frohicke: We'll be out!
Both: And the Internet will have some more to talk about!
All: Have you heard?
There's a rumor on the Internet!
Have you heard what they're saying on the Web?
[song and dance]
All: Have you heard?
There's a rumor on the Internet!
Have you heard?
Man: It's in this week's episode!
All: A federal conspiracy!
Byers: The best X-File in history!
All: The Grand Duchess Samantha!
Alive or dead...
Man: Who knows?
Unfortunately, Cancer Man is still alive, having been transformed into a creature made entirely of cancer cells like Leonard Betts! And, with the help of his gray alien servants, he plans to make sure Samantha never gets home!
Chris Carter: See, we do care about continuity in this film! This also allows him to lose his fingers, hands, limbs, head, etc., and keep coming back for more! We think the kids will love it!
Later, after a series of thrilling adventures, Byers, Frohicke, Samantha, and her dog Queequeg finally make it to D.C., where they must convince Fox's skeptical partner Dana Scully that Samantha is the real thing and not another clone, replicant, alien Barbie doll, or whatever the hell they want her to be this week! And as if that's not hard enough, they also have to convince the X-Files audience, who're so damn sick of seeing Samantha clones that they're ready to throw Chris Carter to the lake monster that ate Queequeg if he shows them one more GODDAMN FAKE!
Chris Carter: I promise, this is the real Samantha this time! No, this time I'm serious about it! Honest!
Having convinced Scully, the trio go shopping in D.C.'s lavish downtown districts accompanied by the red-headed FBI agent who sings the following exciting song about her wonderful city...
[music starts]
Political Advertiser: Voters!
Teenage Congressional Pages: Ooh La La!
Scully: Welcome, my friends, to D.C.!
Here, have a T-Bill on me!
We don't obey laws in D.C., just because!
We all get campaign funds for free!
D.C. holds the key to your heart, and all of D.C. plays a part!
Voter: The mayor snorts coke, law enforcement's a joke!
All: 'Cause if it was not, the Congress'd be broke!
Ooh la la! Ooh la la! Ooh la la!
Congressman: D.C. holds the key to big bucks!
Newt Gingrich: 'Cause Clinton and Gore are lame ducks!
Democrat 1: There's cash in the bank!
Democrat 2: We've the Chinese to thank!
Both: The Feds have it down to an art!
All: D.C. holds the key to your heart!
Scully: When you're feeling poor, the PACs give moola!
When the law says "don't," the Feds say "do!"
Congressmen: If you're out of work, just get elected!
Scully: Everyone can do it! You can do it too!
[Congressmen make out with teenage pages]
Byers: D.C. holds the key to her past,
Yes, Duchess, I've found you at last.
No more pretend, you'll be gone; the show will end...
All: D.C. holds the key to your heart!
Democrat: You'll vote Democrat if you're smart!
Republican 1: You'll make cash with ease!
Republican 2: You'll be swimming in bucks!
Scully: The city of sleaze!
Clinton: Where campaign reform sucks!
All: And one never knows what will start!
D.C. holds the key...
Byers: To her...
All: Heart!
Ooh la la! Ooh la la! Ooh la la!
Eventually, Fox and Samantha are reunited, but not before he and Cancer Man have their final, shocking confrontation!
Cancer Man: Join me, Fox, and we can end this destructive conflict!
Mulder: I'll never join you!
Cancer Man: If you only knew the power of the Consortium! Mr. X never told you what happened to your father!
Mulder: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Cancer Man: No. I... AM YOUR FATHER.
[dramatic pause]
Mulder: No! That's not true! That's impossible!
Cancer Man: Search your feelings, you know it to be true!
Mulder: NO! NO!
Cancer Man: Fox, you can destroy the Well-Manicured Man! He has foreseen this! Join me, and together we will rule the Consortium as father and son! Come with me! It is the only way!
Fox lets go of the railing he's holding onto and falls... about 3 feet, landing on his back on solid asphalt.
Fox: Ow! Where's a bottomless pit when you need one, huh?
Does Frohicke finally get to marry Scully? Do the alien implants in Queequeg prevent fleas as well as the Consortium hopes? Will Chris Carter actually resolve this plot, or will he put in yet another hint that it isn't REALLY Mulder's sister, thus making a sequel necessary?
All these questions and more will be answered in SAMANTHA, the exciting new film from Twentieth Century Fox!
In theaters this Christmas!
DON'T MISS IT!