Voldemort
Gets a Nervous Breakdown
Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah…I don't own them…'cept for
Billy-Bob. Yeah. I wish I owned Ron. But I don't. Life sucks. *coughs loudly*
Hello everybody! Here were the requirements to METMA
Mandy's challenge:
n must be funny
n someone has to say "kiss me I'm IRISH!"
n Harry can't be Irish J
n Crabbe needs to get plastic surgery
n someone must say "Yo soy muy aburrido" which means "I am very boring" in Spanish
n someone needs to be wearing pink tights at one point *grins evilly* oh, the possiblities…heh heh…
n a teacup must speak
n Gilderoy Lockhart must be mentioned or seen
Welp, there it is,
and this may be the ending to this
little 'series' (if you could call it that) but if I get a lot of good reviews,
I might think about another one…Oh well, ENJOY!
"You'll never beat them." Gilderoy
said again. Voldemort shot Lockhart a very annoyed look.
"Do you ever shut up?"
"You'll never beat them."
"SHH! I need to wallow in my own
self-pity, because I miss NAGINI!!!!!!!!" Voldemort fell to the floor and
started kicking and screaming again. Suddenly, Nagini slithered in. Voldemort
shut up immediately and tried to hug her, but he could not, as he was in a
strait jacket.
"Oh my dear Nagini! I have missed
you so much!" Voldemort burst into sobs. Nagini hissed soothingly. Gilderoy,
who was in the corner still playing with his paper dolls, immediately reverted
back to…
"Nice day isn't it?"
Nagini hissed curiously and
Voldemort yelled, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
The mere effect of that phrase on
Voldemort was magnificent, and since what I just wrote probably made no sense
I'm going to revert it to plain English, 'Voldemort turned into a great, big,
ugly, very ugly, extremely ugly, kicking, crying, should-be-ashamed-to-show-his-face-as-an-evil-dark-lord-again
baby yelling, "MOMMY, MOMMY, MAKE IT STOP!!!!"'
Nagini saw this and was ashamed to
be Voldemort's 'pet'. He was a worthless piece of *[nasty word, tsk, tsk]*.
But…that Gilderoy fellow seemed to have his own sort of power…maybe he would be a better dark lord. After
all, he had reduced Voldemort to a crying baby, and he had made all of the
Voldie-haters run away in fear.
Gilderoy took no notice of this, as
he was now in pink tights, a pink leotard, and a pink tutu dancing Swan Lake
with his paper dolls.
Nagini hissed coldly at Voldemort,
and then slithered over to Gilderoy, who was now twirling on his tiptoes.
Voldemort stopped kicking and screaming and looked at Nagini in disbelief.
"N-Nagini? What are you doing, my
pet?" he gasped. Nagini ignored him and continued gliding on.
Voldemort gaped and yelled in
despair to Nagini, "Kiss me, I'm IRISH!"
Nagini turned to look at him and
consider. Gilderoy was jumping and leaping and twirling in the background.
Nagini decided against going back to Voldie.
"No, Nagini! NO! DON'T GO TO THE
DARK SIDE!" Voldemort suddenly thought about his words. "I mean, DON'T GO TO
THE…um…THE…uh…THE FLUFFY SIDE! Yeah…that's it…"
Nagini did not listen. Voldemort
cried and started banging his head against the floor, which he cursed for being
padded.
After he had had a good, long cry,
Voldemort settled himself in a dark corner. A great, big, gray cloud began to
form above his head, and it started to rain, but only on him. Voldemort
shivered.
"Oh, woe is me, woe is me…I have
lost my dear, dear Nagini…" Voldemort sighed.
POOF!
Two little red devils appeared on
Voldemort's shoulders.
"Psst, hey, bub, did you know that
there's a rain cloud above your head?" one of the little demons hissed in his
ear.
The other demon spoke up.
"Of course he does, Jerkwad! Now
we're here to help him, right?"
The other demon looked sulky.
"Yeah…sure…"
Voldemort heaved another great big
sob and said, "Oh, how can you help me? Like I need your help! I'm the most…the
most…EVIL wizard! I don't need your help! GO AWAY!"
The demons looked offended.
"Dude, who spit in his coffee?"
asked one demon.
"He's just in one of his 'moods'
right now. He'll get over that little snake…" the other demon muttered.
"NO I WON'T!!!!!" Voldemort
screamed.
The demons shook their heads sadly at him and said
in unison, "Oh…he needs more than our help…he needs The Almighty Talking
Teacup's help!"
POOF! TINK, TINK!
A giant, pink, porcelain teacup appeared in front of
Voldemort and the two demons. The demons started bowing to it.
"You called?" the teacup said in a very deep,
powerful voice. He's a pink teacup, folks. Go figure.
"Yes…yes…this worthless piece of crap here needs
your help, O breakable one!" one demon squeaked.
"You mean this poor, pathetic ugly dark lord right
here?" the teacup asked.
Voldemort sobbed again and said in
the best sarcastic voice he could muster, "Yes, and thank you for rubbing it
in!"
The teacup…um…shoved its porcelain
face into Voldemort's.
"Looky here, mister 'I'm all mighty and powerful'. You were once the most feared dark lord in the world. Now look at you! All pathetic and weak, and for what? A snake?" the teacup seemed to be hitting a nerve in Voldemort, because he had stopped crying and the rain above him slowed down to a drizzle.
A television appeared in
front of Voldemort. It was on the CNN channel, and he stared at it, transfixed.
CNN
Breaking News:
Today young Vincent Crabbe will be getting plastic surgery.
One of our top reporters is at the scene now. Larry? Are you there?
[scene switches to a guy in front
of a hospital]
Uh,
yeah, Jimmy, I'm here. Well, this is an important day for all of us. Mr. Crabbe
is one of the most ugliest students
in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. But today, all that may change.
Hey! Look! Here he…wait…he? That looks like a she! Oh my…
[the former Crabbe now looks like Britney Spears]
OH
MY GOD! Entertainment Tonight, where are you? We are witnessing the birth of
Britney Spears! Look, and her [*it's
nasty, get the picture?*] aren't that huge right now! That's a sight to
see!
[scene goes back to the anchor]
Uh…that's…weird…right…well…in other news, Lord Vold--- Oh
yeah, I mean You-Know-Who has been
admitted to an insane asylum. Many of his supporters are very ANGRY at this.
ANGRY. Yeah. Sure. Anyway, he doesn't look like he's getting out any time soon,
so everybody, let's PAR-TAY!
This
Has Been a News Update By CNN
Voldemort's face was now red with
anger.
"Party? THEY CANNOT PARTY!!!! I'M
NOW GETTING ANGRY, ANGRY, ANGRY, OKAY!!!! NOW I'M ANGRY!!!!!"
The teacup grinned, however the heck
he did it, and said, "Well, I suppose you want to break out then, don't you?"
"YES!!!!!!!" Voldemort yelled, then
he considered something. "But how? THESE FREAKING WALLS ARE PADDED! LOOK!"
Voldemort banged against the wall
with his head to prove it. The teacup answered, "I guess you'll have to figure
that out by yourself, won't you?"
The two demons, who were disgusted
by the Britney Spears picture, were now dancing with Gilderoy, his paper dolls,
and Nagini.
"YO SOY MUY ABURRIDO!" they both
yelled sadly. Yes. They had very pathetic lives. It's not exactly a wonderful
life, being a demon. No commitment, always trying to do bad, never obeying
people…hey! Wait a sec! What am I saying? THEY HAVE GOOD LIVES! Just kidding…
"Halfwit! Jerkwad! What are you two
doing?" yelled the teacup. Apparently those were the demons names.
Both the demons stopped and looked
down.
"We were…being good." one demon
flinched.
"GOOD?! ALRIGHT BUCKOS, YOU WILL NOT BE HAVING A BAD TIME TODAY! NOW
COME!"
"Yes, master…"
The teacup and the demons both
disappeared with a POOF! and Voldemort was left with two ballet-dancing freaks,
and his thoughts.
Gilderoy suddenly stuck his face
into Voldemort's.
"Nice day isn't it?" he asked
innocently.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
A/N: Well, well, well…poor Voldie…what am I
saying? POOR?!?!?!?!?!?! More like pathetic…yeah…okay, now you had better
review me, because if you don't…I'll…I'll…I'll send the smurfs after you! YEAH!
Sic em' Papa Smurf! *cackles evilly* Now I feel like the wicked witch of the
west. Did I say west? I meant Southwest. Yeah. *cough*
toodles,
Ron
Weasley's Cutie
(you
betcha!)