'Sailor Pirate Princess' started to reply sharply, but stopped herself. After all, how many innocent people had she brought doom upon, simply by moving in next door? "You're probably right," she conceded.
"Hi, Elaine! Nice outfit," called a cheery voice from the Fortress. Everyone jumped.
"You've got to find a better way to bring new characters into this fanfic!" shrieked Elaine.
Hey, sorry, I do the best I can.
Luna peered up at her. "Sailor Pirate Princess?"
"Sorry...I'm just under a lot of stress right now."
"Did I come at a bad time?" The brown-haired woman approaching them looked concerned. "I mean, Murray and I were thinking of coming over to see Elli, but I'd forgotten you sent her over to Gret's for the weekend..."
"No, Chari, you're fine. We're just in a mess right now."
Chariset and her husband, Murray, met the girls and the cats with remarkable calm. "Hey, it's too late in the story for us to freak out now," she said sensibly. "Besides, I like cats."
"Gross! You're carrying a skull around?" chirped Sailor Moon.
"That's no skull--that's my husband," Chari explained.
"Bwuahahahaha!" chortled Murray.
"Guh-ROSS!"
"You're married to a skull?" Mercury's tone was incredulous.
"He's normally a human being. But he made one too many remarks not long after we got married about 'Should've quit when he was a head.' I had no choice." Chariset shrugged. "I'll change him back before too much longer."
"And you're Mantree's sister, huh?"
"Guybrush, and yes. Why?"
Elaine looked uncomfortable. "That's the mess I was about to tell you about."
They explained the situation, still proudly clad in their Sailor suits. Chari, being the loving and devoted sister (and helpful soul) that she was, reacted predictably.
"Dress in that? You've got to be kidding."
"Awwwww," whined Murray.
"No way. Sorry, girls, but I come as I am."
"But we won't match."
She snorted, disgusted. "Is this a rescue or a sleepover?"
"Chari," said Elaine firmly. "This story's not going anywhere until you get a move on."
She rolled her eyes. "All right. For the sake of the plotline." She picked up Murray with both hands and hoisted him aloft. "By the Power of Greyskull!!"
"That's not the way it goes!" hissed Mina.
"Who cares? You want to be stuck here forever? With the chamber pot?" Raye, as usual, was impatient with this entire business.
"Good point."
Transformation complete, Sailor Pirate Skull set her husband gently on the sand. "Okay. Now what?"
"We need to find a way to stop Sailor Pirate Chicken."
"Wouldn't it help to find out what he's actually doing first?"
"Not really. We know what's wrong.." Luna began.
"..the rose in the eye.."
"..we just need to find a way to reverse it."
"A rose in the other eye?" suggested Tuxedo Mask.
Elaine shook her head. "That would just make him twice as evil."
"A blue rose in the red eye?"
"Where are we going to find a blue rose? Besides, I don't want to hurt him."
"A mystical Amulet with magical powers?" This from Chari.
"A Shinto charm?" Raye suggested.
"How about a computer?" Ami.
Elaine blinked. "What's that?"
"Er....never mind."
"The kiss of true love," sighed Serena.
"We could assault him with a pair of pants.."said Lita.
"Flatter him into humility?" Artemis.
"Electroshock?"
"Murray!"
"Muahahahaha!!"
"Marathon VeggieTales?"
Elaine smiled a slow, evil smile.
"Actually no...I have a better idea..."
Beyond them, in the quaint Caribbean town of Puerto Pollo, people were running about clawing at their own faces and screaming.
"Make it stop!" wailed Blondebeard, proprietor of the local chicken shop. "I can't take it any more!" His voice simply added to the general cacophony.
Frisking through the town, the cause of it all, was Sailor Pirate Chicken, formerly Guybrush Threepwood, Mighty Pirate. As the good citizens of Plunder Island fled in terror, he tossed strange devices at them with a snap of his wrist, Frisbee™-style. They locked into place over the victims' heads--unusual earmuffs, each ear bearing an autographed picture of the former pirate.
Each earpiece, then, began playing a recording. Guybrush's voice, recounting the story of how he had defeated the Ghost, Zombie, Demon, and Ice-Demon Pirates LeChuck, in glorious stereo.
Pirates, unable to remove these headphones, were slowly going mad all over the city, moaning piteously.
Worst of all, as the stories went on, they were actually starting to believe them.
On the headphones: "..so I bust into the church and say--"
"'Now you're in for it, you bilious bag of barnacle bait!'" obediently chorused the mind-numb citizens.
"And then LeChuck cries--"
"'Guybrush! Have mercy! I can't take it anymore!'"
"Hear that?" said Sailor Pirate Skull. "Things are getting bad down there."
"I know, I know," groused Sailor Pirate Princess. "I'm almost ready."
"Could we go talk to the Voodoo Lady?"
"'Voodoo Lady'?" asked Luna. "A friend of yours?"
"Oh, yeah! She knows all about magic, and she usually knows how to solve problems--"
Elaine cleared her throat warningly and gave the skimpy Sailor outfits a significant glance.
"--but I think she's on vacation at the moment," Chari finished quickly.
The red-haired Governor sighed, relieved. "That was too close," she whispered.
"So what's the plan?" asked Sailor Jupiter.
"I'll tell you when we get there," bluffed Elaine.
"Then let's book it!"
At this nonsensical phrase, all five girls ran madly into the center of town. The other two women and the skull exchanged glances and followed after.
The renegade Sailor Pirate vaulted to the top of the local theater--the Long John Silver Center for Performing Arts--and addressed the crowd below. Several hours of blatant self-aggrandizement weren't that easy to resist--the brainwashed crowd looked up at him adoringly.
"Who's your Daddy?" he called out, miniskirt flaring dramatically in a gust of wind. It was a fair indicator of their devotion that not one person below him flinched.
"You are!" they shouted.
"Tuxedo Mask, now!" Elaine commanded.
The elegantly dressed man made a slight motion with one hand. A rose flew out and struck the figure on the roof, knocking him off-balance. He hit the ground with a dull thud.
"Sorry, Guybrush," said Luna quietly as they raced over to the fallen pirate. He was sprawled out on the ground (luckily, the magic miniskirt covered everything which needed to be covered), and seemed to be unhurt, just stunned.
But before they could reach him, a field of black Nega-energy, laced with lightning, surrounded his body. He vanished.
Sailor Moon looked dismayed. "Oh no! Not again!"
"You mean this happens on a regular basis?" demanded Sailor Pirate Princess.
"Well....only when the Negaverse is after the romantic male interest of a Sailor Scout," clarified Luna. "They generally try to turn the person against his girlfriend....or wife...knowing she can't bring herself to hurt him."
"Well, they got the wrong couple," replied Elaine grimly.
"So what do we do now?" asked Murray.
Sailor Venus shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe we should free all of these mind-controlled drones while we wait for an evil Guybrush to turn up."
This they did. They sent the dizzy pirates home with memories of imbibing in a bit too much grog and passing out on their own coffee tables, then they waited a bit more. By then it was lunchtime, so they went back to the Fortress and ate. Then they played some cards. And waited a bit longer.
Finally, Luna announced that she felt a great disturbance in the Negaverse. "As if a million million fingernails were dragged across a chalkboard and were suddenly broken."
Murray was impressed. "Wow...what imagery."
They ran out to the center of town, near a small but picturesque fountain. The sky overhead trembled, filled with dark clouds--a central swirl pulsed red with negative energy.
"This must the be attack I was warned about," Luna called out. "Be ready, Sailor Scouts!"
"Right," they replied, Elaine and Chari among them. Murray actually sweat-dropped.
They watched, tensely, as the clouds lowered until they almost touched the top of the theater behind them. The small hill on the far end of town could no longer be seen. The air-pressure was increasing rapidly, every wind was still, and the lowering ceiling of black-red clouds was making everyone feel hemmed-in and slightly claustrophobic.
The tension was unbearable.
"Enough!" shrieked a female voice from above. "I cannot abide that story one more time!"
A circular hole opened in the center of the lowering clouds, through which the moans and cries of tortured souls emerged. "How horrible!" gasped Sailor Mars. "There must be a hundred prisoners up there."
"Get him out of my sight!" spat the same female speaker. "I never want to see him again!"
"But I'm just getting to the good part!" protested a familiar voice. "You've got to hear it!"
"Guybrush?" Sailor Pirate Princess' tone was incredulous.
"I have heard quite enough, thank you!" The opening in the cloud widened slightly, discharging a single gangly figure with all the tender care of a housemaid throwing out the trash. He landed on his inadequately-covered derriere, followed by a shower of headphones.
Instantly, the clouds withdrew and began to dissipate.
"Generals! Get us out of here!" screeched the thin, distant echo of the female voice, just before the sky had cleared completely. "If there are any more people like him on this miserable planet, it's not worth it!"
Elaine ran up to her husband, still sitting unhappily on the cobblestones. "Guybrush? Are you okay?"
He blinked at her, then shook himself a little. "Ah, they didn't deserve to hear a good story," he said disgustedly, half to himself. "Hey, nice outfit."
She chuckled. "Thanks. You too."
And then, of course, the battle over, all the outfits dissolved into ribbons and vanished, leaving girls and pirates clad in normal gear.
Well, not entirely vanished. Guybrush was left holding a purple ribbon, Elaine a green one, and Chari dark red.
"Are you all right?" Elaine asked again.
"I'm fine--I think. I had this thorn in my eye--" he showed her the offending item "--but it came out when I landed."
"Rose-throwers should be a little more careful," Chari commented with a pointed look at Tuxedo Mask. He had the grace to blush.
Suddenly, they were surrounded by a gaggle of chattering girls, all talking at the same time.
"That was amazing!"
"You okay, Mantree?"
"Queen Beryl's never coming back here again!"
"Was that the plan, Elaine?"
"That was remarkably insightful. How did you ever figure it out?"
"Yeah, how'd you know--?"
"Now I see why Queen Serenity wanted us to come here. She must have known this would happen."
"Right, but how did Elaine know?"
"Yeah, tell us!"
Elaine looked embarrassed. "Well, I...."
"Yeah?"
"Go on."
"I..." She crumpled and put her face in her hands. "I read ahead!"
"You skipped ahead to the ending?"
"Elaine, how could you?"
"I couldn't think of any better plan. So I read ahead to find out how I solved the problem." Her face was still buried in her hands.
"That's got to be the cheapest plot contrivance I ever heard of!" snapped Lita.
"Yeah, it's the author's fault, Elaine, not yours."
"You bad fanfic writers ought to be ashamed of yourselves!"
"Fanfic?" asked Murray, baffled.
"Hey, calm down," interjected Guybrush. "There's still a lot of story that hasn't been written yet." He hugged Elaine. "Did you read ahead and see this, too?" He kissed her.
"Awwwww!"
She blushed. "I read a lot more than just that."
"Yowsa! Let's get back to the Fort!"
"And we need to get back to our own timeline," added Luna. "Queen Beryl may have left here, but she's safe to cause trouble in modern-day Tokyo."
Serena sighed. "Do we have to?"
"Yes," chorused Guybrush, Elaine, Chari, and Murray. Everyone laughed.
"Feel free to borrow our balcony," added Elaine. "And take a pair of those ear-covers with you." This they did.
When everyone was assembled in the Threepwood's bedroom, the girls, cats, tuxedo-boy, and pirates said their goodbyes. "Thanks for your help," said Serena. "If you're ever in twenty-first century Tokyo, look us up."
"Uhh....we'll do that," promised Guybrush.
"Sailor Pluto, we're ready," Luna called into mid-air.
A circular, swirling portal, glowing ruby, flowered into existence. Within it stood a woman with impossibly long, dark-green hair, holding a staff shaped like a key. "Are you ready?" she asked.
"Right. Take us home," Mina put in.
They stepped over the balcony railing and into the swirling red darkness, Luna last of all. Guybrush gave her an affectionate scratch under the chin. "You were right, cat. They're not so bad once you get to know them."
She purred. "Thank you all so much. We couldn't have done it without you."
Elaine smiled. "Feel free to come by sometime when the world isn't in immanent danger."
And then the bizarre visitors from the future were gone. Chari and her skull-husband followed not long after, leaving Guybrush and Elaine alone in their bedroom once more.
He glanced at the chamber pot. "What on earth do you suppose they use?" he mused.
"Who knows? And who cares?" She shot him a mischievous look. "Purple is definitely your color."
The ribbon was still wrapped around his hand. "Ah yes. Purple. The color of royalty." He posed, but the effect was spoiled by her laughter. "Hmm. Maybe I should wear a ribbon in my hair from now on."
She just shook her head. "It's your hair."
"And now," he prompted, setting the coiled ribbon down on a table. "Didn't you say you had a story for me?"
"Yes, I do. A nice long one." She got up and closed the curtains, he snuffed out the candles, and the story began.
And this one ends here.
Sorry, folks.
Hey, you don't want it to be an NC-17 'fic, do you?
"Will you keep it down?" protested Guybrush. "We're trying to read, here!"
Ah. Pardon me.
[whispered] And so this story comes to an end.
Quietly.