SCENE: Later on that evening, at an illustrious London opera house. Zechs takes his seat, a fresh cup of tea in hand. Relena [Johnath Hawker] sits next to him. In the hall, Quatre is busy trying to rescue Wufei from the amorous advances of Trieze. Wufei takes advantage of the blonde's distraction and slips into the box.
Wufei: (Pissed off, as usual.) Dammit! I swear I'm going to kill that son of a... (Notices Relena sitting there.) What the hell are you doing here, woman?
Relena: (Politely.) I'm playing the role of Johnath[an] Hawker.
Wufei: Nani?! I thought Trowa got that part.
Relena: No, he didn't.
Wufei: So, woman, which part did he get?
Relena: You should know. Weren't you at the casting call?
Wufei: No I wasn't! I had more important things to do, like fighting for justice, STUPID WOMAN!!
Relena: Ummm...you have read the whole script then, haven't you?
Wufei: *Sullen silence.*
Relena: *Sweatdrop.* {I hope he knows what going to happen to him later on...}
*Quatre burst into the room and unknowingly glomps Relena.*
Quatre: (Estatic.) TROWA, DARLING! (Suddenly realizes who he's hugging.) RELENA?!
Relena: (Equally shocked.) QUATRE?!
Wufei: Well, well, now who's the baka who missed casting call? *Smug laugh.*
Relena & Quatre: *DEATH GLARE!*
Zechs: *sip*
Quatre: Let me guess; You're playing Johnatan.
Relen: And you got Mina.
*They slump into their respective seats.*
Voice: Excuse me, but may I join you.
*Everyone turns and [Excluding Zechs.] facevaults in surprise.*
Quatre: TROWA?!
Trowa: QUATRE?!
Relena: TROWA?!
Trowa: RELENA?!
Wufei: NANI?!
Zechs: (Dead calm.) *sip!*
Quatre: TROWA?!
Trowa: QUATRE?!
Relena: TROWA?!
Trowa: RELENA?!
Wufei: NANI?!
Zechs: (Zenlike calm.) *sip!*
Quatre: TROWA?!
Trowa: QUATRE?!
Relena: TROWA?!
Trowa: RELENA?!
Wufei: NANI?!
[Boy, do I ever need to stop watching "Rocky Horror"!]
Zechs: (Takes another sip of tea.)Have a seat, Barton.
*Trowa sits between Quatre and Wufei. An awkward silence falls upon them. Wufei whips out his script.*
Wufei: (As he reads.) What the... (He leaps out of his chair.) INJUSTICE! I'VE SUFFERED TROUGH THE ABUSE AND HUMILATION YOU'VE WROUGHT LONG ENOUGH, V-CHAN!(He throws down his script and flips the author the bird.) SCREW YOU, AMA! I'M LEAVING!
(He storms out, ranting.)
Quatre: I wonder what his problem is now?
Relena: Don't tell me you didn't read the script either...
*Quatre takes his script out and looks the scene over.*
Quatre: WHAT THE FUCK?!?!
[*V-chan falls out of her chair.* HOLY SHIT! DID HE REALLY JUST SAY THAT?!]
Zechs: (Drops his cup from shock.) Quatre...did y-y-you just curse?
Relena: (Shakily.) I...I can't b-b-beleive it...
Trowa: ?!
Quatre: (Noticing everyone's shock.) Well, you'd be pissed to it you had to set through...through...
Trowa: Through what?
*Quatre hands him the script and angrily points to the offending passage.*
Trowa: Excuse me. (He walks backstage and brags into the director's office.)
Chaine: Yeeeeessssss.... How may I help you?
Trowa: Were the hell is she?
Chaine: Who? Catherine?
Trowa: No, V-chan. I need to speak with her.
Chaine: Ummm...I'm sorry but you can't see her.
Trowa: Perhaps I'm not making myself clear... (He pulls an uzi from out of nowhere and puts it in Chaine's face.) I want to see V, NOW!
Chaine: Ummm...that not gonna really do any damage to me. Afterall, I am from a DBZ fic. {Or soon will be if V-chan gets off her lazy butt and writes the damn thing!}
Trowa: Damn. I forgot. (The uzi vanishes and he grabs a sword.)
Miri Trunks [DBZ]: HEY! THAT'S MY SWORD!
Trowa: I only need it for a second. (Puts it dangerous close to Chaine's throat.) Now, tell V-chan to get in here.
Chaine: Okay, okay! (Pushes a buzzer on his desk.) But it's your funeral.
*Suddenly, the skies burst apart and a beam of light spews forth. Shourded in fog, an impressivelyl cloak figure descendes from on high and floats before the insolent fool who hath raised her ire.*
Chaine: Boy, we're just full of ourselves today, aren't we?
V-chan: Watch it, neko-boy! (Turns to Trowa.) What's so important that you just had to see me?
Trowa: Well, some of us, myself included, are having a problem with this scene.
V-chan: Yeah, well that's just too bad.
Trowa: But I have a boyfriend!
V-chan: I know, but you have to do it. It's in the script!
Trowa: I'd like to see you make me!
V-chan: Wrong answer. (Blows a whistle.)
*A cherry red convertible crashes through the wall and pulls up in front of them. The driver, a white-haired biseinen, leaps out of it and walks to V-chan.*
Akio [Revolutionary Girl Utena]: You called?
V-chan: Why yes, I did. Remember that bishounen I promised you a while back...
Trowa: (Scared shitless.) Alright V, you made your point. *Nervous laugh.* I'm going back to the fic now like a good little performer. (He discreetly flees for...*cough!*...safety.)
Akio: Damn! And he was cute, too.
V-chan: *Sweatdrop.* Ummm...okay.
*Someone tugs on her cloak.*
Amelia [Slayers]: Excuse, Miss V-chan, but there's just one little problem; Mister Wufei has left the fic.
V-chan: Oh, don't worry. He should be back here right about...NOW!
*In flies Goku [DBZ] with a gagged and strait-jacketed Wuffie slung over his shoulder.*
Goku: I gotta 'em, V! (That stupid grin of his is plastered on his face.) Now, can I have my reward?
V-chan: Sure! (Hands him a "Get One Meal Free" coupon for Shoney's.) Run along now.
Goku: *Estatic* Argatou gozaimasu! (He teleports to the nearest Shoney's.)
V-chan: (Smiles evilly at Wuffie.) Now that you realize it's futile to escape this fic, I must insist that you cooperate. Otherwise...
*Akio eyes him hungerly.*
Wufei: *Muffled whimpers.*
V-chan: Chaine, return Mr. Chang to his place.
*The author and the light vanish, and the office returns to normal.*
Chaine: Well, you heard the woman. (Drags Wufei back on set)
~*~*~*~
Relena: I wonder if Trowa's finishe working this out with V-chan.
Zechs: *sip!* I hope so. Otherwise, things are going to get ugly...
Quatre: (Catty.) She'd better have change this scene.
[*BOOMING DISEMBODY VOICE ALERT!*]
V-chan: No, I didn't. Now stop being so frickin' pissy! It's just not like you.
Relena & Quatre: (Awed) How she'd do that?!
Zechs: Author powers. *sip!*
Both: Oh...
*Trowa walks in, followed by Chaine with Wufei in tow. Chaine shoves him into the nearest chair and leaves.*
Trowa: Well, let's get this over with. (He ungags Wufei.)
Wufei: INJUSTICE! (He begins struggling to get out of the strait-jacket.) WHEN I GET OUTTA THIS THING, I'M GOING TO... *GLUG!*
*Zechs forces some of his tea down Wufei throat. As soon as he swallows, the Wu-man relaxes and becomes docile.*
Wufei: (Dreamily.) Mmmm...yummy. Can I have some more?
Relena: Umm... Milliardo-chan, what's in that tea?
Zechs: I'm not sure. You'll have to ask that Xellos fellow. He's the one who made it.
Relena: On second thought, maybe I don't want to know.
V-chan: Umm...can we please get back to the fic? (Makes the strait-jacket vanish.)
Zechs: Alright. (In character.) Well, *sip!* to whom do we owe this visit?
Trowa: (Laughs softly.) Forgive me. I'm so well known in my native coutry that I often forget to introduce myself. (Bows slightly.) I am Count Vald Dracula. [Return of the ONIMIOUS PIANO MUSIC!] I just arrived in your beatuifull country.
Relena: You're quite welcome here, sir. Allow me to introduce you. I'm Jhonath Hawker, this is fiancee, William, (Gestures to Quatre, then to Zechs.) And his father, Dr. Seward.
Trowa: (Forcing himself.) And who is this...lovely creature.
Wufei: (Giggling like a school-girl. [o.O*!]) I'm Lucas...Lucas Westrina.
Trowa: Such a beatuiful name...(He strokes his neck.) And such a beatuiful throat. [OMINIOUS but EROTIC PIANO MUSIC.] (Sweat drop.) {Now that was just wrong.}
Wufei: *GIGGLES even more*
Quatre: grr... (DEATH GLARES Wufei.) Back off my man, you...
*Relena nudges him in the ribs. Trowa sweat drops.*
Zechs: (Oblivious to them.) So, *sip!* where are you staying, Count?
Trowa: Oh, I've just purchased Brooke's Abbey [Subtle pun, folks.] and some of the surrounding land.
Zechs: Hontou? *sip!* Brooke's Abbey is right next to my manor/asylum. *sip!* Perhaps you might stop by one of these days for some tea.
Trowa: Why of course, doctor. I'd be happy to visit your home, seeing as you have TWO of the most delightfully youths living there with you. [Oh...sucking up now, arent' we?]
*Wufei giggles, Quatre blushes, and Relena just rolls her eyes.*
~*~ Later on that evening... ~*~
SCENE: Seward Manor/Asylum.
*Wufei, after receiving another fix of Xellos-chan's Strange Brew [*Patent-pending*], is getting ready for bed. From his balcony, Trowa [less than] eagerly watches him. Noticing that he's being watch, Wufei giggles and teasingly starts stripping.*
Treize: Quick Une, get a camera!
Lady Une: Already filming, sir!
*Sally appears with a wad of dollar bills in hand.*
V-chan: BAD! (Promptly shocks the lot of 'em with her mystic cattle prod.) [Hentais!]
*When he gets to his undies, Wufei pulls the shades closed. [Can't you just see Quatre seething in the background?]*
*Trowa transforms into a bat and...*
Duo: WHOA! STOP THE FIC! Just how the hell is Trowa able to pull that one off?
V-chan: Because I said so, baka!
Duo: That's not good enough!
V-chan: I'm warning you braid-boy, you're treading on thin ice...
Duo: I don't care! All I wanna know is how the heck you got all those super spiffy special effects and stuff.
V-chan: Uh... I used my nifty power of Omni-something.
Duo: Bullshit!
V-chan: Alright! I made Lina teach me Ra-Wing. Happy?
Duo: No. That doesn't explain the bat thing.
V-chan: Oh, that's easy. I just made Pu'ar [DBZ] turn into a copy of Trowa and then change into a bat.
Duo: That flying blue cat can do that?! Mondo cool!
We now return you to your regularly scheduled fic.
*...And he flies to the window. Deftly, he steals into the room and, crouching over his sleeping victim, proceeds to bite Wufei's tender neck and drink his blood.*
Trowa: ... (Just stands there and stares at Wufei.)
V-chan: AHEM! I said, "...and he proceeds to bite Wufei's neck!"
Trowa: I won't do it.
V-chan: You have to, remember. It's in the script.
Trowa: You can't make me! Nah-nah! (Sticks his tongue out.)
V-chan: Wow, that was so mature. [Sarcasm! Sarcasm!] Now, do it! Or else...
Trowa: Or else what?
V-chan: (Evil smile.) Or else...
*Akio appears in a smoking jacket [Ala Hugh Huffner.], iced drink in hand. He jiggles a set of keys for the NO-TELL Motel and winks at him.*
Trowa: No! (He cowers.) You're evil, V! Pure EVIL!
V-chan: Thank you, pericious. Now, bite!
*Reluctantly, Trowa leans over the unconcious Wufei and bites his neck.*
Akio: Mmmm... Kinky. (Starts to sneak toward them.)
V-chan: I don't think so! (Grabs Akio and drags him out of the room.*
...And so ends Part 3! In our next installment, you finally get to see what horrible things I've done to our favorite perfect soldier and...
*Suddenly, an extremely tall, damphyre appears.*
D [Vampire Hunter D]: Veronica, I cannot allow you to continue this fic!
V-chan: Why?!
D: It's an afrontment to all vampire hunters. What you did to Yuy is an inslut to our trade!
V-chan: Are you sure this isn't about the costume?
D: ...(Just glares.)
That face in D's palm: Yep, that's what's bugging him.
V-chan: I thought so! Lookie here, D-chan; I will not be threatened into stopping my fic just because you have a problem with my choice of outfits! Now, begone so I may finish my outro!
*D turns and leaves.*
V-chan: Well, guess you all will just have to wait and find out. Until the next fic. This is V-chan signing off!
Ja-na!